


Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

by fanfic814



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Library, Anxiety Disorder, Big Brother Gabriel, Caretaker Dean, Caretaker Gabriel, Clubbing, DJ Dean, Depression, First Time, Innocent Castiel, Librarian Castiel, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Guilt, Schmoop, Sex Positive, Shy Castiel, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Virgin Castiel, fear of intimacy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:01:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 80,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8836747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic814/pseuds/fanfic814
Summary: AU Cas gets a little help for his anxiety and depression from a very unlikely place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Something a little different... I needed to step into an AU for a bit. Let's see where this goes.

"Goddammit!"

Cas Novak hated days like today.  From the moment he woke up, everything that could possibly go wrong did.  His alarm didn't go off so he overslept.  When he wandered into the living room, he somehow managed to stub his toe on the coffee table, taking off half his toenail in the process.  While ironing his pants, he burned his hand.  He dribbled toothpaste on his only clean shirt, and now, he had spilled hot coffee on his lap and didn't have time to turn around and change.  He fanned his pants away from his leg as best he could, and pulled the car over to the side of the road, dabbing at his leg with a pile of napkins.

It had been hard enough just getting out of bed this morning with his anxiety and depression, and all he wanted to do was go home and hole up in his bedroom. Unfortunately, he had already missed too much work lately, so he had no choice but to continue on.  He pulled back onto the road and continued on his way to he library, then dashed inside, hoping to avoid his boss as much as possible.

"Novak!  Hurry up," his co-worker Charlie hissed as soon as he stepped in the door.  "I punched you in, so she thinks you're around somewhere.  And I have to warn you, she's on another rampage."

Cas sighed heavily.  His boss could be really fucking crazy sometimes. "What's she on about now?" he asked.

"Well don't worry, it's not just you.  But she's going through everyone's shelves and if a single book is out of place... Well shit, see for yourself."

Cas frowned and hurried off to the nonfiction section of books he was in charge of keeping neat and orderly.  Each of the clerks were assigned a section to look after, and Cas was meticulous about keeping his books in impeccable order.  He had just organized them before he left last night, so when he turned down his first aisle, the sight before him nearly took his breath away.  There, in each of his aisles, were random chunks of empty shelves with the books strewn in piles everywhere, as if someone had yanked the entire shelf onto the floor.

"What the hell?" Cas muttered under his breath.

"That's what I said," a voice behind him grumbled.

Cas spun around, embarrassed that he'd been heard, and he sighed in relief as he realized it was just Hannah.

"You should see what she did to mine," Hannah said, shaking her head.  "She's had me working my ass off on that after school program, and I haven't had time to organize my shelves in almost two weeks!  Still, I have an easy section! It's all unpopular stuff, so it's never a mess. What the fuck is her problem today anyway?"

"Who knows," Cas sighed.  "I just organized these last night!  No way in hell they were that bad.  We were only open two hours after I left!  I swear to God, she just hates me." He'd been feeling that way more and more lately, to the point he dreaded coming to work.  Of course, it could partially be his anxiety and depression, but working under _Meg_ certainly didn't help matters.  And Cas usually took the brunt of her craziness, since he also happened to be the office administrative assistant.

"I need to quit this place," he sighed as he began picking up the bent and battered books.  "You know, the worst part is, I _like_ what I do.  I love the library.  She just makes life so damn miserable!"

Hannah nodded sympathetically.  "You and me both.   Well I'd better get to work before the book Nazi comes by," she rolled her eyes.  "See ya, Cas."

"See ya."  Cas sat dejectedly on the floor in front of one of his empty shelves, putting each book back in numerical order.  He was stewing in resentment, thinking about how much he didn't want to be there when Charlie came dashing over.

"Good news.  She just left for the day!"

"Who?  Meg?"

Charlie nodded.  "Yep.  She 'has a meeting', supposedly.  You know, like the meetings all the people in other districts say she's never been to?" she laughed.

Cas shook his head.  "So she comes in just to fuck with all of us, then she takes the day off?  That woman takes more vacation days than the entire staff combined!"  He took a long, deep breath to calm his frazzled nerves.  "Well, I guess I shouldn't complain.  That means she'll be out of my hair at least."

Charlie grinned.  "Exactly!  Alright, I've got to go open up and start checkout duty.  Want to go to McDee's for lunch with me later?"

"Sure."

"Cool."  She gave a little wave and turned on her heel, her red hair spinning out behind her as she trotted back to the circulation desk.

Cas breathed a little sigh of relief and returned to his books, zoning out as he placed each one in order on the shelves.  Usually he found organizing relaxing, so he quelled his anger by drowning himself in numbers until every single book was back in it's rightful place.

The rest of the morning flew by, and after lunch with Charlie, the afternoon was off to a decent start.  He loved when Meg was away.   It was so much easier to get his real work done when she wasn't here, as compared to the days she had him doing personal errands.   _Not that he was resentful._  He had already finished most of his invoices, and was just about to assemble their monthly office supply order when his phone buzzed.   _Anna._  Anna was the reference librarian.  She had the most seniority at the library, so she was always in charge when Meg was gone.  He liked Anna, mostly because she didn't bother him and stayed out of his way.

"Yes?"

"Hey, Cas.  I'm so sorry to do this, but Hannah's not feeling well.  I think she's going to go home.  Can you take over the circulation desk for a while?"

Cas grumbled to himself, but put on his most pleasant voice.  "Yeah, of course.  Let me just finish this and I'll be there in five."  He hung up the phone and sighed.   He hated working the circulation desk - his anxiety made him a much better behind-the-scenes worker.  Oh well.  Not like Hannah could help it.  Quickly, he filed the invoices in a drawer before meeting Hannah out at the desk.

"Oh Cas, I'm so sorry!" Hannah said apologetically.  "I was fine until lunch, but..."

"Don't worry about it," Cas interrupted, "You look a little green.  Go home and get some rest."

Hannah smiled weakly.  "If I weren't sick I'd hug you.  Thanks."

"No worries.  Feel better." Hannah went off to gather her things and Cas set to work emptying the book drop.   _Okay. This really wasn't so bad_ , he thought to himself.  He didn't like dealing with people much, but he _was_ good at it.  It was easy to slap a fake smile on his face. After all, he'd been living with depression for years now.  Faking it was just second nature to him.  He had always been - what had his doctor called it? - 'high functioning' in terms of his mental health.  He _usually_ had no problem getting out of bed like some people in his position, but he had a hard time finding joy in anything.  Most of the time, he felt robotic; like he was just going through the motions, so he was good at these menial, repetitive tasks.  

"Excuse me.  Could you tell me where I'd find books on flower arranging?" A young woman's voice startled him and Cas jumped as he pulled the last of the books from the drop.

"Oh!  Sorry!  In my own little world here I guess," Cas said in embarrassment.  "They're at 745.9," he said, scribbling the Dewey decimal number on a piece of paper.  "It's that fourth set of shelves on your right," he said, pointing.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Cas smiled pleasantly and began checking in the returned books.

_Beep.  Beep.  Beep._

The mindless task was a welcomed one.  Cas hadn't worked the circulation desk in ages, but he could suddenly see how this could be a much-needed break from Meg during the day.  Maybe he'd have to start working the desk more often.  There weren't many customers this time of day, so he puttered around making jobs for himself: Cleaning some books whose covers were returned filthy.  Taping up torn pages.  Refilling the low ink on the printer.  Wiping down the counters.  Frivolous jobs.  Robot jobs.  Still, he preferred to stay busy.

 _Thump_.

As he went to put his cleaning supplies away, he stopped dead in his tracks as his heart skipped a beat.   _No.  No, not now. I cannot have a panic attack now._

_Ba-dump-ba-dump-ba-dump-ba-dump_

_Shit_.   Within seconds, his heart was racing so fast it felt hard to breathe.  He closed his eyes and leaned against the counter to steady himself, taking some long, deep breaths.  Almost immediately, sweat began pouring down his face and he was starting to feel faint.  In desperation, he picked up the phone and buzzed Charlie's extension.

"Hey Cas!  What's up?" Charlie's cheerful voice called through the phone.

"Charlie.  Panic attack.  Can you cover me?" he gasped.

"Oh shit.  Yeah, of course.  I just have to finish up with this customer and I'll be right there."

"'kay." Cas hung up and leaned on the counter again, hoping his legs didn't give out in the meantime.  This was bad.  He'd had a lot of panic attacks in his life but this was a big one.  The room was spinning around him and it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, so he slumped down, lying his head on the counter.

"Are you okay?"

"Huh?" Cas startled, looking up into the brightest green eyes he had ever seen.

"Are you okay?" the voice repeated.

Cas stood staring dumbfounded at the stunning creature in front of him.  It was already hard to speak with his heart racing so fast, but even on a good day he would have fumbled trying to talk to this guy.

"Yes.  F-fine,"Cas stuttered, slapping a clearly uncomfortable smile on his face. "How can I h-help you?"

The man in front of him frowned. "You're trembling and you look really pale.  Do you need me to call someone?"

"Cas, I'm here.  Go sit down," Charlie suddenly called as she came flying up behind him.

Cas nodded. "Thanks, Charlie." He took a few steps and swayed unsteadily. "I... I feel dizzy.  I need to lie down..."

"Hey," the man interjected, speaking this time to Charlie.  "Is there a break room or something he can lie down in?"

"Yeah..." Charlie answered uncertainty.  She pointed to a hallway that was marked for staff-only.

Without another word, the man swooped behind the desk.  "Can I help you now?"

Cas nodded weakly, and an arm slipped around his waist, guiding him back to the staff area.

"Oh good.  There's a couch here.  Lie down," the man said firmly. Cas was so woozy and breathless that he didn't argue.

"I'm Dean, by the way," he continued.  "What's going on?  Should I call 911?"

Cas managed a weak laugh.  "No.  No, I'm fine.  P-panic attack is all," he admitted sheepishly.  "A really b-bad one. I don't know why."

"Oh!  God, I thought you were having a heart attack.  Okay, okay.  Do you need to be alone?"

"Ye... ye..." Cas struggled as his breathing became heavier and faster.   _Oh shit, I'm hyperventilating,_ Cas thought. _In front of... what did he say his name was?  God he's gorgeous..._  He could feel tears prickling his eyes at the sheer embarrassment, and he tried determinedly to blink them away.

"Can I walk you through some breathing?"

"O-kay."

"Good.  Close your eyes," Dean said softly as he knelt down on the floor next to him.  "Breathe in through your nose.  One. Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.   Hold it.  One. Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.   Out through your mouth.  One. Two. Three. Four.  Five.  Good.  Again.  In through your nose..."

Cas closed his eyes, focusing hard on his breathing as he tried desperately to forget where he was.   If he thought about the fact that he was at work hyperventilating in front of the most gorgeous man he'd ever seen in real life, he'd probably pass out.

"Good.  You're doing good," Dean crooned.  "What's your name, anyway?"

"Oh!  Sorry. C-Cas," he stuttered, opening his eyes for a brief second, long enough to nearly swoon at Dean's slightly parted, full pink lips and rugged jawline. _It should really be illegal to be that beautiful..._

"Hey Cas," Dean smiled.  "Keep breathing.  And keep your eyes closed. In through your nose..."

Cas closed his eyes and fixated on his breath again, determined to at least get the hyperventilating under control.  He allowed himself to cling to Dean's voice like a lifeline; after all, it wasn't like things could get much worse.

Ever-so-slowly, his breathing became slower and more regular, but he kept taking long, deep breaths as he waited for his heart rate to slow.  Aside from that pesky heartbeat, he was actually starting to feel somewhat relaxed, and he startled when he suddenly realized Dean had been gently stroking his hair away from his forehead.

"Shhh.  That's it," Dean murmured.  "Just relax.  Breathing better?"

"Mmmhmm," Cas hummed.

"Good. Keep it going."  Dean continued to brush the hair away from his face in a soothing manner, and Cas just let him, relaxing into it until Dean's fingers were gently rubbing at his scalp.  He realized that this should feel a lot weirder than it did, but the sound of Dean's breathing and the gentle scalp massage was nearly lulling him to sleep. 

When he opened his eyes ten minutes later, Cas felt normal again.  Well, except for the fact that he was somewhat mortified that this kind stranger had just talked him through a stupid panic attack.  He rubbed at his face anxiously and struggled to sit up.

Dean was looking at him expectantly.  "Feeling better?"

"Yeah.  Just embarrassed."

"Don't be.  Why don't you see if you can leave here and go home to rest, okay?  You're probably going to feel like shit the rest of the day, huh?"

Cas squinted at him curiously.  "How would you know that?"

"I used to get 'em on occasion," Dean winked.  "For no good reason, really.  And I know that I felt drained and shaky and awful the rest of the day when it happens.  C'mon, I'll even take you home if you want.  You live far from here?"

Cas shook his head.   "About ten minutes away."

"Well.  Tell the boss you're leaving and grab your coat."

"I...I can't," Cas faltered.  "We're really shorthanded.  I'm already covering for someone who got sick and..."

"Cas!"  Anna burst through the break room door.  "You okay?  Charlie told me.  Do you want to leave?"

"Uhh... " Cas started.  "Kind of.  But Hannah already left and..."

Anna rolled her eyes.  "We'll be fine, Cas.  You can't hold this place together single-handedly.  Go home and rest and... who's your friend?" she blurted suddenly.

Dean grinned shyly and looked down at the floor, pretending not to notice that Anna was not-so-subtly drooling over him.

"Um.  I... We just met.  This is Dean  uh..."

"Winchester.  Dean Winchester," Dean said, extending a hand to shake.  "Nice to meet you... Anna, was it?"

Anna nodded, eyebrows furrowed deep in thought.  "Dean Winchester...  Why do I know that name?  And you look so familiar...  Wait.  You're not..."  Her eyes widened.  "No.  Dean Ambrose!" she yelled excitedly.

Dean rubbed his chin nervously and chuckled.  "Uh.  Yeah.  I guess that's me."

"Oh my god!  I saw your set at Ultra this summer and it was amazing!  Why are you in town?  Are you playing here anytime soon?   Can I get a picture with you?" Anna was speaking fast, fumbling over her words in her excitement.

"Yeah, um, sure," Dean said awkwardly, handing Anna's phone over to Cas.  "Would you mind?"

Cas was standing there in total confusion, but he took the phone and snapped a quick photo before handing it back to Anna.

"Okay. If you don't mind, I'm going to give Cas here a ride home.  I think he needs to rest," Dean said quickly.

"Of course!  Yeah," Anna agreed.  "Go home, Cas.  Don't worry about us. We'll manage.  Feel better."

Cas nodded as Dean put an arm around him and lead him past the circulation desk, where Charlie gave them a suspicious look, then herded him out the front door.  

"You have someone who can pick up your car later?" Dean asked nonchalantly.

Cas nodded. "Yeah.  My brother can.  Thanks." 

"Well if not, I'll give you my number.  If you need someone to take you, I don't mind." He steered Cas to a large white cargo van and opened the passenger side door for him, and Cas let out a nervous little laugh.  

"What?"  

"Oh.  Nothing," he said, shaking his head and grinning.  "Just getting into a huge unmarked cargo van with a complete stranger struck me as a bit funny. And somewhat stupid."

Dean laughed.  "No pressure here, buddy.  Promise."

"It's okay.  I'm just being stupid." Cas stepped up into the cab and seated himself and Dean closed the door behind him.  

"Sorry," Dean was still smiling as he climbed into the driver's seat. "I've got my work vehicle today. I guess it _does_ look kind of shady, doesn't it?"

Cas nodded in agreement.  "Soo... speaking of work, what was that all about back there?  With Anna?" 

"Uh, guess I was recognized," Dean said, sheepishly rubbing at his jaw.  "I'm a DJ. Apparently she's a fan of my work," he shrugged, looking a bit embarrassed.  "Dean Ambrose is my stage name. When I started out, I didn't want people to know my real name, but of course, people find shit out."

 _"_ A DJ?  Like you do weddings and stuff?"

"Heh.  Not exactly," Dean grinned as he put the van in gear.  "Where to, by the way?" 

"Oh, right. Corner of Spring and Peach Streets." 

"Got it.  I create, mix, and produce my own music," Dean continued.  "Trance.  Some house.  I actually host a big party in the city every weekend at Escape.  You should come.  It's huge.  Good music, drinks, lots of celebrities stop by..."

Cas chewed his bottom lip nervously.  Was this guy  _flirting_?  After that ridiculously pathetic display at the library?  God, he was so bad at this.  There was a _reason_ he'd been single all his life.  As much as he wanted to say yes to pretty much _anything_ Dean suggested, this guy was _way_ out of his league.  He might as well save him the disappointment now.  Besides, clubs and parties really weren't his thing. "Thanks," he said sincerely, "but I'm really not good with crowds.  Anxiety? Panic attacks?" he reminded him.  
  
Dean smacked a hand to his forehead.  "Right.  Sorry, I wasn't thinking."  He slowed for a red light before turning onto Cas's road.  "Does Mexican food give you panic attacks?"  
  
"What?" Cas asked, laughing.  "Why?"  
  
"Well," Dean chuckled.  "I know a great place.  Best enchiladas in the city.  You wanna get dinner tomorrow?"  
  
_Shit_.  He'd been holding it together pretty well so far, but the anxiety was starting to kick in again.   "Uh.  I um.  I work until six," he stammered.  "So that'll probably be too late to head into the city, and..."  
  
"No, no.  That's perfect.  I'll pick you up there, okay?"  He pulled into the driveway where Cas had pointed and put the van in 'park'.   
  
Cas nodded breathlessly, completely dumbfounded at what was happening.  
  
"Oh!  Shit, I don't have a pen.  Well," Dean said, digging in his pocket for his wallet, "this is kind of douchey, but here's my card.  If you want me to take you to get your car later, just give me a call okay?"  
  
"O-okay."  
  
"Good," Dean grinned.  "See ya, Cas."  
  
_Right.  Don't just sit there staring.  Open the door._   "Bye, Dean," he said faintly, slamming the door behind him and hurrying toward his house.  


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey Cas!  Just coming to borrow something," Gabriel's voice rang through the house, waking Cas from his nap on the couch.  He sat up groggily and rubbed at his eyes as his brother entered the living room.

"Oh!  I didn't actually think you'd be home.  Where's your car?"

"Work," Cas yawned.  "Had a really bad panic attack.  Someone brought me home. What are you borrowing this time?"

"Damn," Gabe said sympathetically.  "Sorry, bro.  I just came down to borrow some milk."

"Borrow?  Since when do you replace it?" Cas chided.  Gabriel lived upstairs in the duplex they shared and he was forever coming down to 'borrow' something.

"Borrow, steal, same difference.  Want me to take you to get your car later?"

"If you don't mind... Hey Gabe?  I think I have a date tomorrow," Cas blurted, his face flaming red at the awkward admission.

Gabriel paused in mid-step as he looked at Cas in surprise.  "Holy shit, really?  It's about time, man!  I haven't seen you date at all since we moved in here.  What's it been, like five years?"

"Since we moved here, yeah..."  Cas faltered.

Gabe squinted suspiciously and flopped down in the chair across from him.  "You _have_ been on a date before, right Cassie?"

Cas glanced away and sighed, focusing his attention awkwardly at the floor, but he could still feel the weight of Gabriel's stare.

"What are you now, twenty-three?"

"Twenty-five," Cas flushed. "You know I have issues, Gabe."

"Shit.  I know, man.  I just... _wow_.  So who is this guy who broke your streak?  What's he do?  Am I going to have to give him the big brother talk?" he grinned, eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Shut _up_ ," Cas said, embarrassed.  "I don't know.  Maybe it's not a date.  Maybe it's just two guys getting dinner. His name is Dean.  He's a... DJ, I guess?"

Gabriel raised an eyebrow and gave him a wry look.  "Is he in a garage band too?  Let me guess, he's just staying in his parents' basement while he finds his 'sound'," he chortled.

Cas sighed heavily and pulled his blue fleece blanket up around his shoulders..  "Look, I don't know much about him yet.  I just know I said 'yes' even though I was freaking the hell out, so this is a really big deal for me."

"I'm sorry.  I know, I know!" Gabriel said.  "You're right.  It _is_ a big deal.  It's just my job as your brother to bust your balls.  And you'll be fine. Really."

Cas sighed, suddenly feeling a bit nauseated.  "I shouldn't have said yes.  I'm not sure I'm ready for this right now."

"Cassie," Gabriel started, "I know you have anxiety and all, but you've always been good with people."

"When it doesn't matter!" Cas exclaimed.  "When I can fake a smile and tell them what they want to hear!  I'm great at being insincere," he laughed bitterly.  "I don't even have many friends!  And no close ones, they're more like _acquaintances_.  I'm not good with being... _real_ with people."

"You're real with me."

"Yeah," Cas nodded.

"So you _can_. You've just been closing yourself off for so long, it's going to take some time and practice.  You're going to be fine.  Just treat this like you would when you and I go to dinner.  I mean, it's the first time you've gone out, so hopefully there won't be too much pressure.  Just talk about shit!  Your job.  Your cat.  Books.  Movies. Your incredibly handsome older brother."

Cas burst out laughing, and Gabe shot him a dazzling grin.

"Yeah, that's the last thing I need.  I finally start dating and he'd fall in love with you," Cas said, rolling his eyes.

Gabriel shrugged.  "Yeah, well.  It's a blessing and a curse being this good looking," he said matter-of-factly, trying hard to keep a straight face.  "Luckily for you, I don't swing that way."

"You might if you _saw_  this guy," Cas mused. "He's fucking gorgeous.  Like, _model_ -gorgeous.  So far out of my league, it's not even funny."

"Hey," Gabriel protested, "I'm not the only good-looking one in the family. _Plus_ you got the sexy voice.  I'd kill for those pipes!  And that shit doesn't even matter, because you are honestly one of the most amazing people I know. If he doesn't like you, he's an idiot. Don't underestimate yourself, man."

"Wow." Cas stared curiously at his brother, who was suddenly shifting uncomfortably in his seat.  "That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"I know.  I'll go back to busting your balls now," Gabe said, shoving up out of his chair  "And stealing your milk.  Lemme know when you want to get the car, okay?"

Cas smiled and lay back down on the couch, pulling the blanket up to his chin.  "Thanks, Gabe."  He closed his eyes, listening to Gabriel rummaging around in the cupboards, and then in the fridge.

"Hey, did you make this pie?" he called from the kitchen.

Cas laughed.  "Yeah.  Take the rest with you."

"You're the best.  Hey..."   Cas heard the refrigerator close and steps coming back toward him, then Gabriel popped his head back into the doorway.  "It just hit me.  That means you're still a virgin, doesn't it?"

Cas groaned and pulled the blanket up over his head.  "Oh my god, let's not talk about this."

Gabriel chuckled quietly.  "Alright, baby bro.  But I'm always around if you need to, okay?  Call me later.  Thanks for the pie."

Cas grinned and closed his eyes again, thankful that his brother was pretty awesome, even if he was a total pain in the ass sometimes.

:::::::::::

When the alarm went off the next morning, Cas groaned and hit his snooze button.  He didn't want to go to work today.  Meg would surely be back and he wasn't sure he could face her after her toddler hissy fit yesterday.  Come to think of it, _all_ the days of work he'd missed lately had been because he didn't want to deal with Meg.  He knew he should look for a new job, for his sanity's sake, at least, but library jobs were not easy to come by.   Not to mention, switching jobs gave him almost as much anxiety as working under a tyrant for the rest of his life.  He sighed and kicked his blanket off, shivering as he looked out the window at the chilly winter morning.  Everything was covered in a foot of snow, and as far as the eye could see, there was nothing but a blinding whiteness.  He sighed again as he dressed in layers, hoping he could shovel himself out before the plows came by to bury him in again.

Much to his chagrin, not only was there snow on the ground, but it was all encased in a thick layer of ice.  He cursed as he chipped away at the hideous stuff.

"You work today?" a voice called out from behind him. He turned around to see Gabriel walking toward him in a full-blown snow suit with a shovel in hand.

"Of course.  It's only Friday."

"Yeah, I know.  But everything is cancelled.  Schools, events, a lot of factories, even.  I told my workers not to come in today.  You guys aren't closed?

Cas shrugged.  "The phone hasn't rung.  Meg is supposed call here by seven o'clock if we are."

"Huh.  That's fuckin' shitty.  Who's going to come to the library in a goddamn ice storm?"   Gabriel picked up his shovel and sighed heavily.    "I'll start at the end, you start here.  Meet you in the middle."

"Thanks, Gabe."

They set to work, cursing and grunting the entire time, and nearly an hour later, they had the driveway cleared enough to get their cars out.

"Fuck, Cassie, I'm going to hit the showers, and then I'm going back to bed," Gabriel panted.  "Be careful, alright?"

"Of course."  Cas headed inside to get ready for work, checking the phone for messages along the way.  Seeing as the machine was still empty, he headed off to the shower.

The drive to work was treacherous, at best.  Generally, Cas could make it there in about ten minutes, however, after white-knuckling the whiteouts and the icy roads, it was a forty minutes before the library finally came into view.  Crawling along at ten miles per hour, he pulled into a completely empty parking lot.

"What. the. _fuck_?" he grumbled.  He pulled his car into the very front handicapped spot and got out of the car, penguin-waddling over the ice to get to the door, where he was greeted by a sign:

_Closed due to inclement weather._

"Are you freakin' _kidding_ me?" he yelled to no one in particular, his voice echoing off the pristine, white landscape. He waddled back to his car, only slipping on the ice once before falling into the car and slamming his door.  Quickly, he pulled out his phone and dialed Charlie's number.

"Hello?" a groggy voice answered.

"Charlie?  It's Cas.  We're closed today?  Did Meg call you?"

"Yeah, of course.  She didn't call you?"

"No!  I'm at work!  I just risked my ass to get here!  It took forty minutes, and I passed two accidents and three cars off the road.  That freakin' bitch!" he yelled.  It wasn't often he used that word, but today he was _pissed_.

"Oh my god!  Holy shit.  Are you okay?"

"Yeah.  Just angry," he sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself.  Winter driving was another anxiety trigger, and goddamn it, she'd made him drive in this crap for absolutely nothing.

Charlie huffed angrily into the phone.  "What the fuck?  Listen, if she ever calls off again, I'm gonna call you, okay?  I never thought about it, I just figured she'd do her damn job."

"Thanks, Charlie.  Alright, I guess I'm going to try to get home.  I'll see you next week, okay?"

"Yeah, of course.  Text me to let me know you got home okay.  See ya, Cas."

"Bye, Charlie."  Cas hung up the phone and started the precarious drive home.

When he pulled up to the house, the plows had gone by, shoving another foot of snowy ice chunks at the end of the driveway.  He was still too damn angry to get out and shovel again, so he crossed his fingers and drove over the pile, thankfully making it without getting stuck.  The drive home had been horrendous, and he was shaking with nervous energy by the time he got out of the car. He stormed into the house and slammed the door, kicking his shoes halfway across the entryway.

"Cas?" Gabriel's voice called as his footsteps echoed down the stairs.  "You okay?"  He knocked once before bursting through the door.

"Hey.  Yeah, I'm fine.  We _are_ closed!  Meg didn't call me!"

Gabriel frowned.  "That bitch!  Did it really take you that long to get there and back?  Shit, I was worried.  I made the mistake of watching the news."

"Yep," Cas nodded.  "Forty minutes either way.  It was a whiteout, I couldn't see shit.  The roads weren't plowed yet.  There were accidents, and cars off the road... I'm so anxious I could vomit.  I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep for the rest of the day."  He shed his coat, leaving it lying uncharacteristically on the couch, but just as he was about to flop down, Gabriel grabbed him by the arm.

"Nope.  You're not shutting down today.   _You_ have a date tonight, and I'm not letting you wallow.  C'mon upstairs.  I was in the midst of making brunch.  Belgian waffles.  Your favorite."

Cas huffed stubbornly.  "Do you have Nutella?"

"And strawberries and whipped cream," Gabriel assured him  "Just like you like them.  C'mon.  Take your anxiety pill if you need to and come upstairs."

There weren't many things in this world that could convince Cas to get out of bed when he felt overly anxious, but Gabriel's Belgian Nutella waffles were one of them   "Alright," he said grudgingly.  He decided to take half an Ativan first, then followed Gabriel upstairs.

"You're lucky I started these last night," Gabriel grinned  "Sit."

"Last night?  Wait, what's that?" Cas said, poking at the dough balls on the counter   "Is that white chocolate?"

Gabriel laughed.  "No.  Those are Belgian sugar pearls.  And they're absolutely necessary for the perfect Liège waffle. That's how they get those caramelized sugary bits."

Cas shrugged and sat down at the kitchen table.  "You're the chef."  Gabriel owned a bakery in the city, and had a sweet tooth to match, so Cas was forever his guinea pig when trying new recipes.  Not that he was complaining. Over the years, he'd developed a bit of a sweet tooth himself, and he'd even begun baking a bit.  But while Gabriel could whip up whatever sugary confection you could dream of, Cas had focused his talents on making the perfect pie.  It was an accomplishment he was pretty proud of, considering his brother's enthusiastic approval.  
  
"So are you getting excited about tonight?" Gabriel asked as he loaded a ball of dough into the waffle maker.    
  
"I guess I need to call him," Cas groaned.  "He had planned to pick me up at the library.  It's so bad outside, I should call it off.  I wish I had given him _my_ number.  I hate making phone calls to people I don't know well.  It's a little easier if _they_ call _me_."  
  
Gabriel nodded.   "I know, I know.  How do you survive as an administrative assistant who hates being on the phone?"  
  
"Barely."  
  
"Well," Gabe smiled affectionately, "Usually I'd say don't you dare cancel, but you need to at least call him.  It's really sketchy outside.  Maybe you can reschedule."  
  
"Maybe I should just forget it.  It was stupid to think I can do this..."  
  
"I swear to God, Cas, don't you dare," Gabriel interrupted, slamming a plate of waffles down in front of him.  "You'll be fine.  You're going to go have dinner with this... this  _dreamy_ guy of yours.  It's just dinner.  You'll manage."  
  
Cas sighed.  "I guess..."  
  
Gabe put his own plate down on the table and sat down across from him.  "Call him after we eat."  
  
"I can call him later..."  
  
Gabe narrowed his eyes. "Humor me, Cassie."  
  
"Fine," Cas huffed.  "You just want to make sure I don't cancel."  
  
"Um, duh?"  
  
Cas slouched forward, drowning his waffles and his sorrows in Nutella.  "Such a ballbuster," he grumbled.    
  
"Yeah," Gabriel agreed.  "But you'll thank me later."  
  
Cas rolled his eyes and sighed again.  He reached into his pocket for his wallet and dug out Dean's card, setting it sulkily on the table in front of him, but Gabriel snatched it away before he could protest.   
  
"Dean Ambrose," he mused, squinting expectantly at Cas. "Wait.  This isn't _the_ Dean Ambrose, is it?"  
  
"Um?"  
  
"The trance DJ and producer, Dean Ambrose?  Has a big party downtown at Escape every weekend?"    
  
Cas shrugged.  "I guess so.  He does _something_ at Escape I remember.  Anna at work knew who he was.  She was practically fangirling over him. Is he really that big?"  
  
"Wow," Gabriel mused, still staring down at the card.  "He's not like  _Tiësto_ -big, but he's a hot up-and-coming, yeah.  Pretty well-known in New York, anyway.  I've been to some of his parties.  He's really good.  Shit, Cassie, when you said he was a DJ I thought it was some kid playing songs on his laptop for bar mitzvahs.  And you're right -  I suppose if you're into that sort of thing he's a good-looking guy.  You think Anna was bad, you should _see_ the fangirling that goes on at the club!" he chuckled.  
  
"Huh... so why the hell is he asking _me_ to dinner?  And who's Tiësto _?"_ Cas asked, sullenly picking at his waffle. __  
  
Gabriel paused and shot him a dirty look.  "Seriously?  God, I have _got_ to get you out more...  Well hey, none of that matters," he said quickly, feeling Cas's unease growing.  "He's just a guy.  A guy that is apparently interested in you.  Call him, Cassie."  He nudged Cas's cell phone closer to him.    
  
Cas knew there was no getting out of this.  Gabe would keep bugging him until he just called already, so he took a deep breath and dialed Dean's number.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Um.  Hi," Cas squeaked, suddenly dumbfounded and at a loss for words.    
  
"Hi?  Who is this?"    
  
Cas jumped as Gabriel gave him a swift kick under the table.  "Oh!  Um.  C-Cas.  It's Cas.  From the library?"  
  
"Hey, Cas," Dean said warmly.  "Did you get your car home okay last night?"  
  
"Y-Yeah.  I did.  But um.  We're closed.  I mean, the _library_ is closed.  I mean, the weather is really shitty today, so if you want to..."  
  
"Yeah," Dean interrupted.  "It's pretty nasty out.  I guess we won't go into the city tonight.  But uh... maybe we can hang out at your place?   I'll bring dinner!" he suggested.    
  
Cas could feel his face burning with embarrassment - god, he could barely speak and he was stuttering like an idiot.  "I-I uh, I don't want you to risk the roads..."  
  
"I'll take the van again.  It's not that far, and it has four-wheel drive. What do you say?"  
  
Cas swallowed hard, rubbing anxiously at his jaw.  "Um.  I guess that would be okay."  
  
"Great!  Since you're not working, I'll come a little earlier.  Say, five o'clock?"    
  
"O-okay."  
  
"Awesome.  I'll see you in a bit."  
  
Cas hung up the phone, staring silently at it in disbelief.    
  
"Well?"  
  
"I... I guess he's coming to hang out here instead.  At five."  
  
Gabriel grinned and stood, clearing their plates from the table.  "Good.  I promise you, Cassie, you're going to be fine."  
  
Cas just nodded uncertainly, still staring blankly at his phone.  



	3. Chapter 3

_Ten minutes._

Cas rearranged the magazines on his coffee table for the third time in an feeble attempt to calm his nerves. He had already taken the other half of that Ativan but he still felt like a hot mess.  His entire body was vibrating with anticipation and anxiety, and he'd had to change his shirt because he was sweating so badly. 

_Nine minutes._

The crunch of tires on the icy snow outside made him tense as he realized Dean was a few minutes early. Oh god, he was _so_ not ready for this.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself not to hyperventilate in front of Dean again.

Cas had a fleeting moment of panic as he heard the knock on the door, and he considered hiding in his bedroom and pretending he wasn't home. _No. Gabriel would kick his ass if he did that._ Besides, Dean had come out in this weather, and it would be completely rude to make him drive for no reason.

He took another deep breath, and opened the door.

"Hey," Dean greeted him with a huge smile that had Cas melting and fidgety at the same time.  He was dressed in a slim-fitting black leather moto jacket with a layered hoodie, and a green t-shirt that made his already-bright green eyes look even brighter. It was a look Cas could never pull off, and he stood there staring stupidly at how effortlessly breathtaking he was.

"Hey," Cas finally squeaked.

"Can I come in?" Dean finally asked, a hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips as he watched Cas in amusement.

"Yeah.  Yes!" Cas said, shaking his head as if snapping out of a trance.  "God, I'm sorry." He ushered Dean inside and took his coat.  "I'm really bad at this," he muttered, not realizing he'd said it out loud until Dean patted his shoulder.

"You're fine," he said casually.  "Soooo.  Do you know even the damn restaurants are closed today?  I tried three places and gave up.  So it looks like we're having Taco Bell," he said sheepishly, holding up two paper bags.  "Lamest date ever.  You said you like Mexican, right?" he laughed.  "It's uh... _sort of_ Mexican."

Cas couldn't help but laugh.  "Sort of.  But it's fine.  Who doesn't like Taco Bell?"  Part of him was suddenly giddy at the fact that Dean had just called this a 'date'.  He'd never understand it, but for some reason Dean _was_ interested in him. He swallowed hard, not really sure how to handle that information.

Dean nodded.  "I knew I liked you for a reason.  Where should we eat?"

Cas led him into the dining room and pulled out a chair, and to his surprise, Dean plopped down right next to him.

"I didn't know what to get, so I just got the family pack," Dean said.  "Twelve tacos.  Hope you like a challenge."

Cas nearly snorted out loud.  "I'll see what I can do."  They both sat silently for a moment as they unwrapped their tacos, passing sauces back and forth between the two of them.

"So," Dean said around a big bite of his taco, "No work today, huh?"

"No," Cas said.  "Except I drove there this morning anyway.  My boss called everyone but me to tell us we were closed. It was a nightmare.  They hadn't plowed or salted yet.  Took me forty minutes each way."

"Holy shit.  Why didn't she call you?"

Cas shrugged.  "Who knows.  She's like the world's worst boss."

"That sucks," Dean shook his head sympathetically.  "I had a boss once who was forever changing procedures without telling anyone and then he'd freak the fuck out if people weren't following them.  I guess we were supposed to be psychic."

"Oh she does that too." Cas grimaced.  "Some people just aren't cut out for management."

"Damn straight.  So... tell me about you.  All I know about you is that you work at the library, and you get panic attacks.  What do you do for fun?"

Cas chewed his lip nervously.  He hated talking about himself, mostly because he was incredibly boring.  "Um.  I read. And I draw. I watch movies and listen to music. I... I have a cat.  She's around here somewhere.  I don't know," he stuttered, his face reddening a bit at how stupid he sounded.  He'd been doing so well until now, and he suddenly felt like fumbling idiot.

Dean didn't even flinch.  "Yeah?  I can't draw to save my life.  What kind of stuff do you read and watch?"

"Uhh," Cas swallowed hard.  "I read just about anything.  One perk of working at the library I guess.  And as far as movies, I watch mostly comedies and fantasy/sci-fi..."

"Star Trek or Star Wars?" Dean interrupted.

"Star..." Cas paused and chuckled a bit as he thought about how to answer.  "This is a loaded question."

"Mmmhmm."  Dean nodded and grinned, raising an eyebrow expectantly.  "Choose wisely."

"I'm sorry.  But Star Trek, hands down."

"Yesss!" Dean yelled.  "Good man," he exclaimed, handing Cas another taco.

Cas shook his head and laughed.  "Don't you know you're not supposed to talk religion, politics, or Star Wars vs. Star Trek?  I'm pretty sure that's how wars are started!"

"Mmmph," Dean mumbled around another big bite of food.  "I like to know what kind of person I'm dealing with right away."

"And what if I had said Star Wars?"

"I'd have taken my tacos and left."  Cas sat there for a moment, not quite sure how to respond to that until Dean burst out laughing.  "I'm kidding!  Sheesh!  I would have left you a taco..."  he winked, and Cas found himself blushing all over.

"Uh.  How about you?" he managed. "W-what else should I know about you?" _Dammit.  He'd started out so well, and suddenly he was overanalyzing and stressing about every word that came out of his mouth._

"Hmm," Dean chewed thoughtfully.  "Well, my work takes up a lot of my life, to be honest. But in my spare time I'm a bit of a movie buff.  I'm a big concert-goer.  Even when I'm not working, music is a big part of my life.  I have a pair of rats named Iggy and Ziggy.  Named after Iggy Pop and the Starman, of course.  What kind of music are you into?"

Cas momentarily lamented the fact that he knew nothing about the sort of music Dean made for a living. Still, music was one thing he was passionate about.  "A lot of things.  I think my tastes are kind of eclectic.  Believe it or not, I listen to a lot of punk music.  The Ramones, Black Flag, Bad Religion, Rancid..."

"No fucking way," Dean said with a grin.  "You're right.  I did _not_ expect that."

Cas blushed.  "Most people say that.  I like a lot of folksy punk songwriters too.  And the _good_ 80s stuff -  The Smiths.  Morrissey.  The Cure.  Joy Division. Siouxsie and the Banshees. A lot of rock - Bowie.  Dylan.  Cohen. Springsteen.  Waits. Way too much to mention. I uh, also like lounge-y stuff like the Rat Pack..."

"Wow.  So you're a bit of a music nerd too," Dean said, nodding his approval. "You have ridiculously good taste."

Cas smiled and shrugged. "I like to think so.  What do you listen to?"

"Nearly everything you just listed off.  Seriously. I'm dumbfounded, to be honest.  I've never met someone who likes so much of the same shit I like.  Of course,  I also like a lot of trance, house, drum and bass... Depends on what I'm in the mood for."

"I don't know a thing about dance music," Cas said apologetically.

"S'okay.  But you can't tell me you never dance around your house when no one's around?" Dean said.  "I mean, not that I do that..."

Cas bit back an embarrassed smile. "Sometimes..."

"Sooo... What do you dance to?"

"Oh I'm _not_ telling you that," Cas laughed.  "It's awful.  A total guilty pleasure."

Dean mock-frowned.  "Tell me."

"I can't."

"Come on!"

Cas sighed.  "Don't judge me."

"Scout's honor," Dean said, holding up three fingers in a typical Boy Scout salute.

Cas covered his face with his hand as he mumbled. "Britney Spears."

"Yeah?"  Dean smiled, trying hard to fight the urge to laugh.  "What's your song?"

"Uh.  I'm a Slave 4 U..."  Cas squeaked, cringing in shame.  "I know!  It's awful!  I can't help it!"

Dean pressed a hand to his mouth, a gesture to partially hide the enormous grin on his face.  "That's adorable.  Seriously. I would kill to see that.  Here, eat up," he said, handing him another taco and a sauce packet. 

"Oh my god, why did I tell you that?  Wait, you _must_ have a guilty pleasure.  Now you _have_ to tell me. Please?" Cas whined. He unwrapped his food and took a big bite to distract himself. 

"Alright, alright.  I've never told anyone this but..." Dean paused to let out a deep sigh.  "Sometimes if I'm flipping through stations and Taylor Swift is on... I stop."

The blush on his face didn't go unnoticed, and Cas grinned.  "Okay.  That's _almost_ as bad." 

Dean chuckled sheepishly.  "We've all got guilty pleasures I guess.  Well, hey.  I surrender with these tacos.  If I eat any more I'm going to explode.  How you doing over there?"

"Me too.  I'm so full," Cas groaned, placing his hand over his stomach.  "I guess we could uh.  Go watch a movie on TV or something?" Cas suggested awkwardly as he balled up the trash and threw it into the bag.

"Sounds good.  Lead the way."

Cas made his way to the living room with Dean following close behind.

"Shit, it's getting worse out there," Dean murmured, his eyes glued to the large picture window that graced Cas's living room.  The snow was falling harder now, and it was difficult to even see across the street through the sea of white.  "Hope I can make it home."

Cas took a seat at the very end of the couch and picked up the remote as Dean stared wistfully out the window.  "Ugh.  You can shut the blinds so we don't have to look at it, if you want.  I guess I should flip the Weather Channel on."  

"Nah.  It's nice to look at anyway," Dean said. "Funny how when you're a kid, snow is like this magical, amazing thing, and when you grow up, you dread it.  There's still a part of me that loves it though.  Even though it's an enormous pain in the ass."

Cas took another calming breath to quell his anxiety.  "I _want_ to like it.  But I hate shoveling.  I hate driving in it.  I hate the ice, and the whiteouts.  If I had zero responsibilities again, I'd love it.  I miss being young and playing in the snow.  Building snowmen, and snowball fights.  When I was little, we lived near this park with a huge hill.  It was awesome for sled riding.  God, we did that for hours sometimes..."

Dean smiled and strategically sat down in the middle of the couch, rather than giving Cas the empty seat between them, which he expected. "You know, Cas, you're very passionate about things once you get talking.  I'm sorry I make you so nervous," he speculated, watching for Cas's reaction.

"N-no!  No.  I'm not.  I'm f-fine," Cas stuttered.   _Oh god, Dean could tell he was a nervous wreck._   "I'm... um... _everything_ nervous," he sighed weakly. "I'm sorry, I'm just not good at..."

"Shhh."

"Huh?"

"Shhh.  It's okay.  You've been _so_ anxious all night.  Let's just relax and watch a movie alright?"  Dean stretched his legs out to make himself comfortable, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "Can you come closer?" he asked softly.

"W-what?"

Dean grinned.  "You don't have to.  No pressure.  But you really seemed to relax when I was stroking your hair yesterday... "  He held an arm out and motioned for him to come closer.  "Come here," he whispered.

Cas's heart was hammering in his chest. _He couldn't..._   _How did he expect this to go when he even feared being touched?_ _What the hell was he thinking?_ He could feel a red flush creep over his face and suddenly his entire body felt hot all over.  "I um..." he stuttered, trying to say something, anything, but he couldn't find the words.   All he wanted to do was run and hide, and...  "I'll be right back," he blurted, bolting from his spot on his couch in an attempt to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes.  He'd barely made it into the dining room when a wave of dizziness hit him.  His vision started blacking out around the edges and he took a few last desperate, staggering steps toward the bathroom before everything went black.

"Cas?"

He could hear a voice faintly calling to him.  Everything sounded like he was under water - muffled and distorted, and difficult to understand.

"Cas?  Hey.  Wake up, Cas."

He was vaguely aware of a tapping at the side of his face, and the sudden realization that his eyes were closed made him struggle to sit up.

"Don't move," the voice said as a hand pressed against his chest, keeping him flat on his back.

His eyes flew open, and he stared up at a bright green pair of eyes just inches from his own.

_Dean._ _No.  Oh, this couldn't be happening._

"Just talk to me for a minute, okay?  Did you hit your head?  I heard a nasty thump as you went down..."

"Uhhh..." Cas was still feeling disoriented, and thinking was ridiculously hard right now.  "I don't think..." he started, running his fingers over his head.  "Oh, oww."

"Do me a favor," Dean said softly.  "Say the months of the year backwards."

"What?"

"Just... Please?"

Cas closed his eyes, as if that might help him think.  "December. November. October. September... August. July. June... May. April. March. February. January." he finished triumphantly.

"Good.  Just stay down one more minute and keep talking, okay?"

"I... I'm fine. I just... Well, I fainted, but I'm okay."

"Okay, okay," Dean nodded.  "Do you remember what happened?"

Cas could feel himself blushing again and the tears were starting to prickle at his eyes. Why did he always have to make such an idiot of himself?  He closed his eyes, hoping to forget the fact that Dean was still staring at him in concern. "I. Uh.  Just anxiety... I'm a hot mess," he blurted suddenly, covering his face with a hand in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry, Dean.  I'm not good with people one-on-one, I'm not good at being social... _everything_ scares me, I don't have many friends and I'm not a ..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dean chuckled, pulling Cas's hand away from his face.  "Look at me," he demanded.  Cas opened his watery eyes and Dean pressed a finger to his trembling lips.  "Stop putting yourself down.  Have you passed out when you're anxious before?"

Cas nodded.  "Rarely.  But yes."

"Are you this anxious because of _me_?"

"N-no!  Yes. I..  I don't know!"

Dean nodded slowly.  "Cas..." he asked tentatively.  "You've been on dates before, haven't you?"

Cas just stared stupidly up at him, not willing to answer that question.

"So you haven't...?" Dean paused.  "Huh." He didn't bother finishing his sentence as he saw Cas cringe in abject terror.  "Well I think you're okay to get up," he said, changing the subject.  "Slowly, though."

Cas sat up, taking a few steps back to put some distance between them. _God he was such a fucking loser._

"Would you like me to leave?"

"No!" Cas yelled.  "I mean... I don't blame you if you want to go. B-but I'd like you to stay," he uttered weakly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Dean grinned, almost as if in relief. "Okay.  And I promise I won't ask you to come near me again."

Cas shifted uncomfortably from his spot on the floor.  "No, I... Just..."  He sighted heavily.  "Don't promise that either. Please?"

"Alright.  In that case..."  Dean extended a hand and reached forward in an attempt to help him up and Cas nervously grabbed his hand, allowing himself to be pulled up.

"You want to go attempt that movie again?"

Cas nodded shyly. "I'd like that."

Dean smiled and led him by the hand back into the living room.  "Sit," he demanded. Once again, Cas took his seat at the furthest end of the couch, and Dean sat opposite him, a few feet of space separating them.  They settled into watching the movie again, and a half hour passed with neither of them saying a word, despite the palpable tension between them.

"You don't really like being touched, do you?" Dean suddenly blurted.  "I... I'm sorry.  I mean, it's okay.  It's just something I should know."

"W-what?  I um... Well...  Not exactly... It's not that I don't _like_ it, it's just... "

Dean's hand gripped his firmly and gave a gentle tug and almost immediately, Cas found himself crawling across the couch to be nearer.  His breathing was becoming quicker though as the anxiety of being so close to Dean hit him, and once again, he tried to convince himself not to hyperventilate.

Dean pulled him in close to his side, resting Cas's head on his chest. "Shhh.  This is it.  Right here," he whispered.  "This is all we're doing.  So relax, okay?"  He began gently scrubbing little circles against Cas's scalp.  "Deep breath," he said quietly as he heard Cas's breath catch in his throat.  "Good.  Now here's the remote," he said with a smile, handing him the remote control from the side table.  "Find us something to watch."

The next thing Cas remembered was waking up.

Despite the lights and television being off, it wasn't pitch dark.  The blinds were still open, and the streetlight reflecting off the pristine, white snow gave the room a spft glow as Cas blinked tiredly into the dusky room.  He was so warm and comfortable he didn't want to move, but he immediately tensed as he realized he was lying on the couch, cuddled up close to Dean.

For a moment, he just lay there, breathing in Dean's warmth and the smell of his cologne. He was torn between snuggling in closer and bolting; it was exciting, and confusing, and terrifying at the same time.

"Cas?" Dean's sleep-heavy voice startled him, and he started struggling to sit up.

"No, no, no," Dean insisted, pulling him back down at his side.  "It's okay.  Are you alright?"

Cas swallowed hard and nodded.  "What..."

"Shhh," Dean soothed, lazily stroking those magical fingers through his hair again.  "Once you settled in, you were out like a light," he chuckled softly.  "You looked so comfortable for the first time all night, I didn't want to wake you.  So I watched the rest of the movie and I was going to leave, but it's a damn blizzard out there.  I uh, hope it's okay, but I thought maybe I could crash here 'til morning?"

"Yeah.  Uh.  Yes, of course," Cas mumbled, rubbing tiredly at his eyes.  "But um.  How did I get... Uh.  Like this?" He motioned to himself, pressed tightly to Dean's body with an arm wrapped around his shoulder.

Dean laughed.  "When I lay down, I just coaxed you down with me.  Is this okay?  I promise, no funny business.  I mean, you don't have to stay here.  You can go to your bed if you want.  I'll be out of here as soon as the plows go by in the morning."

Cas laughed nervously.  "It's okay.  I'm...comfortable," he managed, surprised that he wasn't quite as anxious as he expected to be. And he really _was_ comfortable.  It was confusing, to say the least.  He'd always thought he hated being touched, but perhaps all of the _thinking_ about it was worse than the actual contact.

"Yeah...  I'm pretty comfortable too," Dean sighed. "Want to go back to sleep?"

Cas nodded.  "Mmmhmm."

"Good.  'Night, Cas."

"'Night."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Cassie?  It's just me!  Came over to borrow something!"

Cas jolted awake at the sound of his brother's voice and he startled again as he realized Dean was _spooning_ him.   He had no idea how he'd managed to roll over in the tight quarters, but all he wanted to do was lie there, reveling in how safe and warm he felt.  It seemed silly at his age, but he'd never been  _held_ before, and even if he didn't know Dean all that well, it felt... well, it felt  _good_.

"Cassie?  You fall asleep on the couch again?" Gabe asked, poking his head into the living room.  "Oh!  Fuck!  I-I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.  Just came to borrow some eggs. I'll be gone in a sec!"

Dean opened his eyes, squinting tiredly at Gabriel and the blinding white snow outside. "Um.  Hello?"  He tightened his grip around Cas's waist as he lifted his head.

Cas went stone-still, both submitting to Dean's touch and completely at a loss at what he should say to Gabriel, who was standing there in stunned silence.

"Uhhh. Yeah.  Hi," Gabe said awkwardly.  "I'm Cas's brother, Gabriel.  Sorry to interrupt you. I'll talk to you later, Cas."

Cas lay there quietly until he heard the door close and footsteps on the stairs.  "That was awkward," he squeaked.

Dean just smirked and snuggled in closer to him.  "Little bit," he breathed.  "So that's your brother, huh?"

"Yeah.  That's Gabe.  He lives in the unit upstairs.  And don't let him fool you, he's not _borrowing_ shit.  He comes over to steal my food all the time," Cas grumbled. "Can't really complain though.  He cooks for me a lot."

"That's nice.  I guess you guys are close then?"

Cas nodded, carefully adjusting Dean's arm that he was using for a pillow.  "Yeah.  I guess we are.  He drives me crazy with how overprotective he is sometimes, but he's my best friend.  I guess that's kind of sad," he laughed bitterly.

"Not at all.  I'm really close to my brother, Sam.  He's a few years younger. I kind of raised him after our parents passed away, so I guess I'm a bit overprotective of him too," Dean admitted.  "It's a big brother thing.  Get used to it."

Cas just smiled and closed his eyes again.

"Comfortable?" Dean whispered.

"Mmmhmm," Cas murmured.

"Me too.  God, you smell good," Dean whispered sleepily.  "What are you wearing?"

"Uhh," Cas's nervous little laugh just made Dean hug him tighter.  "It's called Kenzo Woody."

Dean snorted.  "Woody, huh?  Well it's nice.   _Really_ nice. Makes me want to lick it off of you...   _Fuck_ , did I just say that out loud?  Oh my god, I'm sorry!"

Cas giggled hysterically, both at the thought of Dean licking him, and at Dean fumbling over his own words.  It was refreshing to see _him_ acting nervous for a moment.

"You could try." Cas completely stunned himself as the words brazenly fell out of his mouth.

"Don't tempt me," Dean purred.  "Wait... are you _flirting_ with me?  Wow," he mused.  "I guess you're finally feeling a little less anxious, huh?"

Cas nodded uncertainty.  "Yes and no.  I think I'm relaxed mostly because I'm warm and sleepy. I'll be anxious again when I'm more awake."

Dean laughed and nuzzled at his shoulder.  "Well till then, I guess I'll just have to take advantage of your sleepiness by spooning you until the plows go by.  What time is it anyway?".

Cas picked his head up to glance at the DVD player, but it was flashing twelve o'clock.  "I don't know.  We must have lost power at some point."

"Hmmph.  Well, I think we can lie here another ten minutes, and then I should probably get up and see how the roads are. God, is it still coming down out there?" he asked, squinting again at glare of white through the big picture window.

"Sure looks like it."

Dean frowned.  "Shit.  You got anywhere you need to be today, Cas?"

"Not really."

"Good...  Can you turn on the weather from there?"

Cas stretched to reach the remote control that was just inches from his grasp on the coffee table, and Dean moved with him, unwilling to lose his warmth even for a moment.  The TV clicked on and Cas found a local station just in time for the weather report.

_"...blizzard in western New York has left hundreds of motorists stranded after a seventy-four car pile-up.  Snowplows are fighting to keep up with the accumulation, and many roads currently remain unplowed.   Another eight to ten inches are expected by three p.m.  Once again, police have urged all residents to stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary...  Up next, we'll give you the full list of closings and cancellations, so stay tuned..."_

"Well," Dean sighed.  "That sucks.  I guess I'd better call off the show tonight.  Hopefully I can make it home..."

Cas pulled away, rolling over until he was face-to-face with Dean.  "You can't drive home in this.  Didn't you hear them?  Stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary."   _Okay, being close enough to feel Dean's warm breath on his forehead felt a bit too intimate, and it made him feel a little woozy._

"I can't stay, Cas," Dean laughed.  "I'm sure I've worn out my welcome already by staying overnight.  I'm sorry, usually I don't presumptuously spend the night like that," he grinned.  "And then I snuggled with you all night, which is sort of inappropriate for the first time we've hung out, I suppose.  By the way, you cuddle when you sleep.  It's pretty cute."

Cas smiled shyly as he felt his face redden. "I do?"

"Mmmhmm.  I'm not exactly complaining."

Cas rubbed nervously at his face to hide his sloppy grin.  "It _has_ been nice.  But really, you can't leave until the roads are plowed."

"Oh _really_?"  Dean narrowed his eyes and shot him a sly grin.  "You just don't want me to leave."

"Uh.  No.  I mean, the weather..."

"You just want to stay here on the couch cuddling with me all day," Dean teased as he entwined their legs together.

Cas swallowed hard as if he'd been caught.  "I um..."

Gently, Dean raised his chin, forcing Cas look him in the eye.  "You're _adorable_ , you know that?"

Cas could feel his face burning, and he tried to glance away, but fingers on his chin kept him from moving.  For a moment, he thought Dean was going kiss him, and a million panicked scenarios began running through his head.  But instead, Dean's lips gently brushed against his forehead.

"I guess I should get up,"  he said softly.  "You getting up too or am I crawling over you?" 

"Do we have to?" Cas groaned.  He kicked off the nice, warm blanket that Dean had apparently pulled off the back of the couch, and shivered at the chill in the room.  Slowly, he untangled himself from Dean's arms and stood up, blinking his sleep-heavy eyes at the window.

"Wow," he muttered. The snow that he assumed had drifted against his windowpane wasn't so much drifted as it was deep.

"Holy shit," Dean's voice echoed behind him as he hobbled over to look out the window.  "I guess you _are_ stuck with me a bit longer, Cas."

Cas smiled to himself, the combination of anxiety and giddiness making him feel a bit nauseated.  "Well," he started, "If Gabe left me any eggs, I guess I can make us some breakfast..."

When the plow went by almost three hours later, Cas's heart sank.  While he had still been anxious, he'd managed to entertain pretty well.  Conversation was flowing, albeit awkwardly at times, and the longer they were together, the more comfortable Cas felt.  Then again, he figured, having their bodies pressed together for the last eight or so hours probably helped.

He frowned as a knock on the door rattled them from their conversation, and he rolled his eyes as Dean grinned.

"Your brother?"

"No doubt," Cas sighed.

"Cassie?  You decent?" Gabriel's voice called.

Cas opened the door to Gabriel grinning like a lunatic.  "Since when do you ask?  You always just barge in."

"Well you have company.  Thought you might be naked after your little sleepover last night!"  He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Cas frowned and looked over his shoulder toward Dean.  "Shhh.  God, just shut up.  What do you want?"

"Actually, I heard the plow go by, so I figured you might want help shoveling.  Your little buddy there's never gonna get out of the driveway."

"Oh," Cas said, feeling a bit bad for snapping at him.  "Thanks.  But I can handle it.  I mean, I'm sure between the both of us we can..."  He jumped as an arm slipped casually around his waist.

"Hi again," Dean said politely.  "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier. I'm not a very good morning person.  I'm Dean," he said, holding out a hand to Gabriel.

Gabriel squinted menacingly at him as he shook his hand.  "Mmmhmm.  I know who you are.  Enjoy your little slumber party last night?  Tell me, Dean.  What exactly are your intentions with my brother?"

Dean glanced at Cas, suddenly looking like a deer caught in the headlights.  "Um.  I uh.  We...."

"I'm just messing with you!" Gabriel howled with laughter, but he quickly sobered. "But on a serious note, if you hurt him in any way, I will hurt you in ways you never thought possible."

"Gabe," Cas sighed, exasperated. " _Shut up_."

"I'm just saying.  Now, do you want help shoveling out your van?"

::::::::::

"Cas, thanks for putting up with me," Dean said softly.  " I guess this was kind of a weird date, but it was really nice." They were standing face-to-face at the end of Cas's driveway, sweaty and panting from shoveling the heavy, wet snow.

"It _was_ nice.  Thanks for dinner."

Dean laughed.  "No problem. Next time we'll go somewhere better. I mean, if you want to go out again?"

Cas's heart fluttered at the thought that Dean even wanted to see him again.  He nodded shyly.  "I'd like that."

Dean grinned.  "Good.  I've got your number now, so I'll call you."

"Okay," Cas nodded, his anxiety slowly building as they got closer to saying their goodbyes.  "Be careful driving home."

"Will do.  C'mere." He tugged at Cas's coat sleeve until Cas took a few steps forward, then wrapped him in a huge embrace.  "You still smell good," he whispered before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.  

Cas blushed as he pulled away, both relieved and disappointed that Dean didn't go in for a kiss just yet. 

"Talk soon, 'kay?" Dean winked.

"Yeah... Bye Dean."


	4. Chapter 4

Gabriel gave his spaghetti sauce a final stir and reached into the cupboard for a mixing bowl.

"Cassie," he grumbled into his phone.  "You're not holing up there all day long.  Put some damn sweatpants on and come upstairs.  I'm making your favorite.  Cheese lasagna, no meat.  You might as well do it before I come down there and drag you kicking and screaming."

Cas sighed and kicked his blankets off, scowling both at his brother and the chill in the room.  "You're such a pain in the ass," he sulked.  "I'm fine.  You know how depression is.  I'm just a little down today for no good reason.  It'll probably pass."

"Yeah.  It probably will.  But in the meantime, you're at least going to try to eat something.  Fifteen minutes and I'm coming down there."

The phone clicked as Gabriel hung up and Cas sighed again. While deep down he was grateful to have someone check on him when he didn't feel like taking care of himself, it could also be really freaking annoying when he just wanted to be left alone.  He reluctantly crawled out of bed and rifled through his dresser for a pair of sweatpants and he slid them up his hips.

It had been well over a year since he'd had a bad depression day like this, and for a brief moment, he hoped this wasn't indicative of more to come.  As usual, there was no good reason for it.  Aside from his anxiety worsening as well, his life seemed pretty decent overall.  He paid off his car two months ago, so he had a bit more expendable income than usual.  Gabriel had recently given him a rescue cat named Scout, and despite insisting he didn't want a pet, the fuzzy little bastard had weaseled his way into his heart.  Having a pet around was surprisingly calming; it was nice to have 'company' around the house, and petting the cat often helped quell his anxiety.  He had a great job that he loved, and despite having a horrible boss, she wasn't any worse than usual.  And... Dean had called him to ask him out next Friday.   While he was nervous about that, he was also extremely giddy.  He had no good reason to be feeling bad, but clinical depression was a bitch sometimes.

He'd blown off work again today; getting out of bed just seemed way too overwhelming.  He still had plenty of sick time left, but he knew he was pushing his luck with the amount of time he'd been off lately.  Meg would most likely give him a warning when he returned, and the thought of that made him sick with anxiety.

He hurried to the bathroom to brush his teeth, finger-combing his unruly bedhead at the same time.  As a last-minute thought, he grabbed his weekly pill case from the medicine cabinet and pocketed it.  He'd forgotten to take his meds this morning, and Gabriel would doubtlessly be on his case about it; might as well take them in front of him to shut him up.  He frowned at his still-messy hair and made his way upstairs.

"There he is!  Welcome to the real world, bro.  It's not so bad here - we have lasagna and cheesecake!  Or at least we will in a bit." Despite his best efforts, Gabriel's cheerful greeting did nothing but grate at his nerves.

"Did I have a choice?" Cas grumbled.

"No.  Have you eaten anything today?"

"No."

Gabriel frowned.  "Cas..."

"I know, I know.  I forgot to take my meds too." He pulled the pillbox out of his pocket and waved it at him.  "I'll take them when I eat so you don't 'mother hen' me to death."

"Don't be shitty," Gabe rolled his eyes.  Gabriel was an extremely patient man, but Cas could be a bit of an ass when he wanted to be left alone.  Fortunately, Gabe could take it just as well as he could dish it back.  " _Someone's_ gotta take care of your ass.  Now sit down, shut up, and have some caprese salad while you wait for the lasagna."

Cas slumped down into the nearest chair.  "I'm sorry," he muttered.  "And thanks for dinner."

"I know you are," Gabe smiled softly. "And you're welcome.  So what happened today?  Anything bugging you?"

Cas shook his head.  "I don't think so.  Just shitty brain chemistry."

"Alright," Gabe nodded knowingly as he sat down across from him and stabbed a chunk of mozzarella off his salad plate.  "Thought maybe something happened with whatshisname."

"Huh?"

Gabriel laughed.  "You know.  Dean.  Everything okay?"

"Oh."  Cas felt himself blushing all over at the mere mention of his name. "Everything's fine.  We're going out next Friday I guess, because he'll be out of town this weekend.  I'm kind of terrified but I'm sure I'll be okay."

"Good." Gabriel stood and walked to the counter to begin assembling the lasagna.  "You never really told me how it went, you know.  Are you okay?"

"What?  Of course I'm okay.  Why would you ask that?"

Gabriel shrugged.  "Just checking.  I mean, I didn't expect you to sleep with him on the first date you've ever been on, that's all.  Wanted to make sure he didn't take advantage of your... disability," he finished.

"You think because I have anxiety, I can't say no?" Cas huffed defensively.

Gabriel turned and cringed apologetically at him.  "I'm saying sometimes it's easy to take advantage of someone who's afraid to speak up.  I'm sorry.  I just worry about you."

Cas sighed again.  "I know you do, and I appreciate it. I _know_ I'm not always good in social situations, Gabe.  And I know that I'm not always in the right state of mind, so I get it.  I admit, I was a nervous wreck most of the time he was here.  But I could still say no if I wanted to."

Gabriel nodded.  "I'm sorry.  I know you're not stupid. But I still worry."

"I know...  For what it's worth, we didn't sleep together."

"You didn't?"

"No.  He only stayed because it was a blizzard outside."

Gabriel frowned.  "Hmm.  Well yeah, I guess I can understand him staying... then what were you doing on the couch with him?"

"Sleeping!" Cas said.  "I fell asleep on and he didn't want to wake me.  So when he went to lay down, we just kind of... _snuggled_ most of the night," he blushed furiously.  "That was it.  That was all we did."

"That's it?  No kissing, no heavy petting, nothing?" Gabe exclaimed.

"That's it.  Really."

Gabriel harrumphed and glared at him suspiciously.  "I can't believe he didn't make a move on you."

Cas shrugged.  "He really didn't. He was... _sweet_ ," he sighed blissfully.  "And he was really understanding about my issues.  I um...  I even passed out in front of him earlier in the night."

"Again?" Gabe exclaimed as he loaded their dinner into the oven.  "What happened?"

"I don't know.  I just got really, really anxious.  But I was fine. Just a bit mortified."

Gabriel pondered the situation and grumbled again as he retreated to the refrigerator to pour some drinks.  "Well, just promise me that you won't rush into anything you're not completely comfortable with. I know you're a damn adult and all, but getting so worked up that you faint can't be good, Cas."

"I know.  It was just the anticipation. Once he touched me, I relaxed a little."  Cas blushed again. _Why was he so embarrassed talking just about this?    He **was** a damn adult.  Why was all of this so difficult for him? _

Gabriel choked on the soda he had just sipped.  "Wait.  I thought he didn't touch you?" he asked, reaching for a napkin to dab off his shirt.

"Not like that!" Cas yelped in embarrassment.  "I mean like... Stroking my hair. It actually calmed me down," he struggled awkwardly.   "I told you.  We fell asleep and I kind of ended up... uh...  cuddling with him.  I didn't really realize I was doing it, so when I woke up, I got a little anxious... and he lulled me back to sleep by stroking my hair again. I guess I could have gone to my bed, but I didn't want to let him go," he sighed.   He speared a tomato from his plate and shoved it in his mouth in an attempt to stop rambling.

Gabriel paused mid-wipe and his features softened.  "Aww, Cassie.  You really like this guy, don't you?"

Cas nodded weakly.  "It doesn't matter.  What the hell would he see in me?  I'm nothing special. I'm boring. I have obnoxious mental health issues..."

"Stop putting yourself down," Gabe interrupted, and Cas flushed a bit as he was reminded for the second time this week.  "You're the kindest, most caring person I know.  And there are a million awesome things about you and you know it.  Obviously, because he's already asked you out again."

"I guess," Cas pouted.

Finally, Gabriel couldn't help but laugh at his brother's desperate attempts to contradict him.  "You look tired.  Why don't you go watch TV until dinner's ready?  It won't be much longer."

Cas stood and headed to the living room, thankful to get away from Gabriel's questions for a while.

After a heavy dinner of cheesy pasta and crusty, buttered bread for dinner, followed by an even richer cheesecake for dessert, Cas crashed back down on Gabriel's couch.  He had to admit, albeit grudgingly, coming here had been more beneficial for him than staying home in his bed.  For as much as he wanted to shut out the world when he was depressed, wallowing usually just made him feel worse.  Besides, he was at Gabe's place often enough that it just felt like an extension of his house.  He didn't even have to physically leave his safe place to come visit.

Gabriel ruffled his hair as he walked by, then flopped down in the recliner across from him.  Wordlessly, they sat and watched the end of a Doctor Who rerun together before Cas finally spoke.

"Thanks for dinner," he said softly.  "Everything was awesome, as usual. And thanks for looking after me, and for kicking my ass when I'm being antisocial."

"Anytime," Gabe smiled.  

They returned to their companionable silence as the familiar theme song started again and Cas lay down, tucking a pillow under his head.  "Hey Gabe..." he asked hesitantly.  "Do you think it's even _possible_ for people like me to date or have normal relationships?"  He'd pondered this question for years, and until recently, he'd convinced himself he was destined to be alone.  Usually, just _thinking_ about it gave him so much anxiety, it wasn't worth the hassle.  Still, he couldn't shake those few moments of calm he'd had with Dean, and the surprising comfort of human touch.  He _wanted_ those things.  All this time, he didn't know how much he needed it, and the sudden realization that maybe, just _maybe_ , he could have them... Even with his depression gnawing at him, a tiny part of him felt _hopeful_ for the first time in years.

"Yeah," Gabriel said pensively.  "I do.  I think it's _entirely_ possible.  I'm not going to lie and tell you it will always come easy, but I know you can make it work.  Living with your illness doesn't mean you have to shut yourself off from the world... I know that it might present some challenges in a relationship, but just remember that _all_ relationships take work.   _Everyone_ has their own quirks and baggage that you have to deal with.  Just because your situation is different doesn't mean it's not manageable."

Cas nodded slowly.   _That was Gabriel for you - brutally honest, but surprisingly insightful._  It was kind of ironic taking relationship advice from him, since he had a bit of a reputation as a playboy.  Still, his exes never seemed to harbor any ill-will since he was up front about his intentions, so it was possible that Gabriel _might_  know what he was talking about.

"It's just something your partner needs to understand," Gabriel continued.  "And honestly, not every person will take the time to understand it - so when you come across those people, sometimes it's better to just let them go."

Cas lay there quietly for a minute, staring sullenly at the television. "How can I expect anyone to understand this, Gabe?  Even _I_ don't understand it sometimes!"

"Okay, okay.  Let me rephrase that.  Anyone who really cares about you will _try_ to understand. I don't always know what I'm doing either, but I try."

"Yeah," Cas sighed.  He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and shook it out, pulling it up to his chin.  "For what it's worth, you do pretty well."

"Thanks, Cassie."

Once again the house fell silent save for the Doctor's plight, as Cas lay there, deep in thought.  Gabe had been right, as usual.  Maybe he _didn't_ really want to be alone today.

"You know, maybe we need to make you a doctor's appointment," Gabriel said quietly.  "It's been a while since you checked in.  I know you're a generally anxious person, but it feels like it's been getting worse lately.  And with the depression rearing it's ugly head again... I know you hate it, but I also know what happens if you wait too long."

Numbly, Cas nodded.  He'd been dealing with this shit long enough that he knew Gabe was right; the further he went down that depression spiral, the harder it would be to claw his way back.

"Yeah.  I guess so," he muttered.

"I'll call Dr. Mitchell in the morning.  Maybe she can get you in this week."

"'kay," Cas said tiredly.  Whether it was the warm blanket, the heavy dinner, or just the exhaustion of depression, he could barely keep his eyes open.

Gabriel smiled.  "You staying here tonight?"

"Mmmhmm," Cas murmured.

As their show ended, Gabe stood and weaseled the remote from Cas's grip.  He flipped the TV off and hurried to the linen closet to grab another blanket, then returned to cover him up.

"Warm enough?" he asked his already-snoozing brother.

"Mmm," Cas hummed happily.

"Good.  Night, Cassie."

::::::::::::::::::

"Hey."  
  
_Cas was lying on the couch next to Dean again, their bodies mashed together in the cramped space.  They were face-to-face, Dean's lips dangerously close to his, and Cas could feel his warm breath ghosting across his chin._

"Cas."

_Suddenly, Dean tightened his grip around his waist and flipped onto his back, pulling Cas on top of him. As Cas tensed up, Dean's hands began stroking his back, slowly making their way up to tangle in his hair._

_"Shhh.  This is all we're doing, so relax, okay?" he whispered just before he gripped Cas's hair and pulled him down, crushing their mouths together in a bruising kiss._

_Cas's anxiety slowly drained away as he melted into him.  He let his lips part as Dean's tongue forcefully prodded at him, and he moaned as Dean sucked his bottom lip._  
   
"Cas!  Wake up!"  
  
"Hrrmph," Cas groaned, suddenly aware that he was dreaming and Gabe was so rudely trying to wake him.  He pulled his blanket up over his head and grumbled something unintelligible.

"Hey.  Come on!  You need to call off if you're not going to work.  I called Dr. Mitchell and she had a cancellation this morning, so she can see you right away."

Cas sighed heavily and moved the blanket.  He opened his eyes and squinted in annoyance at his too-cheerful brother.

"What time is it?" he whined.

"Eight twenty-five.  C'mon, we've gotta be there by nine."

Reluctantly, Cas crawled up off the couch and began getting ready. When he'd agreed to go to the doctor last night, he didn't expect to do it right away.  Still, it was probably for the best, since it gave him less time to stress out.  He tiredly dressed and brushed his teeth and hair, then managed to make the dreaded phone call to work again before Gabe whisked him off to the car.

While he hated going to _any_ doctor, Cas liked Dr. Mitchell. She had been his psychiatrist since he was fifteen, and though he hated talking about himself, she made him feel safe and comfortable.   Once he got warmed up, talking to her was like talking to Gabe - not always easy, but he could usually be coaxed into opening up.

"Mr. Novak!  Long time no see.  I assume that means things have been going well for you?" Dr. Mitchell greeted him with a warm smile.  "Although if you're here now, I'm guessing that's not the case. What's going on with you?"

Cas slumped down into the plush tan couch and sighed.  "Well, my anxiety has progressively been getting worse over the last few months.  And now I'm starting to feel depressed again.  I was doing okay for a while..."

The doctor nodded sympathetically.  "Any changes in your life lately?  Anything that may have triggered the change in your mood?"

Cas thought for a moment and then shook his head.  "I don't think so.  Just shitty brain chemistry, I guess."

Dr. Mitchell smiled a bit at his analysis.  "How about sleep?  Are you eating okay?"

"Yeah," Cas said.  "I'm eating, but mostly because Gabe makes me," he said sheepishly.  "If I had to make my own dinner, I'd probably just lie in bed instead.  I don't have much energy."

"Well thank goodness for Gabe," the doctor smiled.  "You _need_ to eat.  Even if it's just a piece of fruit or a bowl of cold cereal, eating something is better than not eating at all.  I want you to work on that this week.  Wake up and eat breakfast."

Cas nodded.

"What about your sleep?  How are you dealing with work?"

"I sleep okay, once I fall asleep.  I can't turn my brain off, so I toss and turn until 4 a.m. or so most nights.  So it feels like I just want to sleep all the time during the day."  Dr. Mitchell was scribbling furiously on her clipboard as he spoke.  "I'm not dealing well with work at the moment.  I keep missing days.  I'm so anxious, it's hard to leave my bed some days, but I'm also afraid I'll get fired if I miss any more." 

Pensively, the doctor stared at him, long enough to make him feel a bit self-conscious.  "I'm trying to decide if a little time off would be beneficial for you," she explained.  "On one hand you wouldn't have the stress of work while we adjust your medication.  You know the side effects can be harsh at first sometimes... And on the other hand, that gives you more time to hide out in bed, which I don't want you doing either.  Let me hear your thoughts.  Do you think some time off would be good for you?". 

Cas hesitated.   _Of course_ he wanted time off work; he could barely function some days.  Still, he could definitely see himself hiding and shutting out the world again too.   And as much as he _wanted_ to do that, the loneliness that eventually came with being a hermit always made him feel worse.

"I... Uh... I'm afraid if I continue working at this rate, I'll b-be fired," he stuttered nervously.  "But I know I tend to shut down sometimes when I'm alone.  So I don't know."

Dr. Mitchell nodded.  "Okay.  We definitely don't want you to get fired.  I'm going to recommend you take three months off and we'll go from there.  Knowing your history, I don't want you ending up in the hospital again if we can help it.  I do, however, want you to try getting up and doing something each day.  I want you to keep a journal of what you accomplish.  Now, don't get overwhelmed.  I know we've talked about trying things that scare you before, but I'm not asking you to do that now.  Right now just focus on little, necessary things.  If even getting out of bed is hard, then try to get up and move to the couch.  If it's hard to get off the couch, go shower.  Get dressed.  Make breakfast.  Even if you only accomplish one of those things each day, it's still an accomplishment.  You can do more, of course, but don't make it too difficult for now."

"I'm still managing to do those things," Cas said.  "It's not as bad as last time.  It's just that they're getting harder to do," he sighed.  

"Well, It's been a long time since we adjusted your medication.  I think just a slightly higher dose may help.  I'm also going to add a daily Ativan to take for a while.  That should take the edge off your anxiety while we work through this.  You'll still have the sublingual one for panic attacks, okay?"

"Okay."

"Good.  I want to see you back in two weeks, but you can call if you have any issues or concerns.  We still have some time.  Anything you want to talk about?"

Cas shook his head.  "No.  I don't think so.  I'm just kind of disappointed in myself.  I think I was doing really well for a while."

"I know you're disappointed, but it's not your fault.  Sometimes it can't be helped.  Mental illness is like any other illness.  You wouldn't be mad at someone whose diabetes or cancer worsened, would you?"

"Of course not.  But that's different..."

"Not really.  Sometimes organs just don't forget function properly. I'm a Type I diabetic.  We found out when I was eight years old.  I have a wonky pancreas.  Some people have wonky hearts or livers.  You have clinical depression, so you have a wonky brain," she winked, and Cas couldn't help but laugh. 

"I'm not sure how I feel about that," he grinned.

"Well, no one _likes_ having wonky organs," she smiled.  "But you just take the medication and do your best to keep it in check.  And sometimes, despite our best efforts, it gets worse.  So it's important to be proactive like you are right now."

Cas took a deep breath and nodded.  Dr. Mitchell always knew the right things to say when he was feeling sorry for himself.

"Sooo... What are you going to do tomorrow?" she prompted.

"Get out of bed.  Eat breakfast.  Take my meds... Make Gabriel cook dinner," he added with a laugh.

Dr. Mitchell grinned.  "That sounds like an _awesome_ plan."

"Dr. Mitchell?  I did try  _one_ thing that scared me lately."

"Yeah?" she beamed.  "What was it?"

"I-I went on a date."

Dr. Mitchell's eyes widened just a bit as she stared at him.   "Wow.  That's great. You had relegated yourself to never dating last time we talked, I believe."

Cas blushed, feeling stupidly proud of himself.  

"How did it go?"

"Well my anxiety was so bad, I passed out in front of him," he laughed nervously.  "But after that, it was okay.  I don't know if I would have managed with anyone else, but this guy was really nonchalant about my little quirks.  He didn't make a big deal about it.  And he actually managed to calm me down a bit."

"That's fantastic.  Glad to hear your date was so understanding.  Do you think you'll go out again?" 

"Yes," Cas said breathlessly.  "Next weekend.  I'm nervous but excited."

Dr. Mitchell smiled.  "I'm happy for you.  We've talked about your intimacy issues before, and how you don't like people touching you.  Are you having any anxiety about that you'd like to talk through?"

Cas thought for a minute.  "I think I'm okay.  I think..." he paused.  "I think the _thought_ of someone touching me is worse than the actual contact.  Like I'm getting too worked up over nothing, to be honest. I mean, I've always known that was the case.  But I build it up in my head until it's big and terrifying.  It's still a little scary, but I can do it. Not with everyone, obviously, but people I like and trust.  And actually, I just realized that once I relax... I kind of enjoy it."

"Hmm.  This is wonderful.  I love that you've been analyzing this too.  By all means, if you find yourself needing human touch, explore that some more.  Just don't push yourself too fast.  Hugs are a good, fairly neutral way to work up to more intimate touch." A tinny bell suddenly sounded from atop the desk, and Cas actually found himself feeling disappointed that their time was up.

"We can talk more about this in two weeks, okay?" she asked.

Cas nodded.

"Good.   I know you feel a little disappointed about the illness worsening, but you've made some great strides socially. I'm very proud of you.  Let me get you your prescriptions and the paperwork for your boss, and you can head out."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, Cas," Dean's voice echoed through the phone as Cas lay in bed, nervously picking at his bedspread.

"Oh.  H-hi Dean." This wasn't the first time Dean had called him, but the anxiety was always the same.  For some reason, he was just slightly better at talking to people in person than he was on the phone. "What's up?"

"Not much... Hey, I know I told you I'd be out of town the next few days, but I was thinking -  if you're not busy, maybe we could grab dinner?  I know it's kind of last-minute, but I wanted to see you before I leave."

"You did?" Cas blurted.  "I mean... um." Spontaneous plans were not Cas's forte.  He was a creature of habit, and anything that interfered with his schedule made him feel overwhelmed. He also didn't feel like leaving the house today.  At all.  Still, _Dean wanted to see him_ and he most definitely wanted to see Dean, even if the thought made him tremble with anxiety and anticipation.   "Um.  When?"

Dean laughed.  "I was thinking right now.  I mean, if you're free."

"Uh..." Cas glanced at himself in the mirror and scowled.  He couldn't go out like this.  Since he felt like shit, he'd been skulking around in an old pair of sweatpants and his extremely faded favorite tee.  His hair was, as always when he didn't leave the house, sticking up in every which direction, and he hadn't even showered yet today.  "I'm kind of a mess," he uttered weakly.  "I just woke up from a nap..."

"Oh. Well no worries.  No pressure or anything.  Just figured if you weren't busy maybe..."

The suddenly embarrassed tone of Dean's voice just about ripped Cas's heart out, as he realized Dean thought he was making excuses.  He was way too intimately acquainted with that embarrassed feeling to leave Dean hanging.  "N-no," he interrupted.  "I-I'd like to.  I just um.  Need a few minutes," he cringed at his reflection,  lamenting how pathetic he sounded.

"Yeah?" Dean's voice brightened.  "How about a half-hour?"

"Sure.  Sounds good."

"Awesome.  So I guess you're at home today?  I expected you to be at the library.  Figured I'd pick you up after work."

Cas's breath caught in his throat for a moment, and his face burned with embarrassment. He still felt a weird sense of guilt and shame over being off work for the next few months, and he just couldn't mention it to Dean just yet. "Um.  Yeah.  I'm off today," he murmured.   _Okay, it wasn't totally a lie._

 _  
_ "Alright, no worries.  I know where you live."  Cas could hear Dean smiling into the phone, and it made him feel all shivery. "I'll pick you up in a few, okay?"

"Okay."

"Oh, and Cas?  Dress warm.  It's cold out."

 _Shit._ He stood there staring at the phone for a minute, not quite sure what had just happened.  "Guess I'm going out," he muttered, a perfect mix of dread and excitement gnawing at his stomach. _God, he didn't want to leave the house_... but he would.  He hurriedly cleaned himself up and got dressed, and shoved an emergency Ativan in his pill holder keychain, just in case.  As a last-minute thought, he spritzed himself with a little of that cologne Dean had liked so much, because... Well, he wasn't sure why exactly.  How could he be both anxious about being touched and practically begging for it at the same time?   _Damn wonky brain._

With a final glance in the mirror, he shrugged doubtfully.  He cleaned up okay, he supposed, but he felt like such a nerd.  Dean always had an effortlessly cool, put-together, edgy look.  He always looked like he'd stepped out of the pages of some trendy fashion magazine.  Cas was the type that wore boring sweaters and khakis and sensible shoes.  He sighed and picked up his phone.  Gabriel had been checking on him a lot the last few days, so he figured he'd better text him lest he panic if he came downstairs:

_Hey.  Going out for dinner.  Back in a bit._

Almost immediately, his phone rang, and he rolled his eyes as he punched the 'talk' button.

"Where ya' goin'?" Gabriel asked nonchalantly.

"Dinner.  Won't be too late," Cas said flatly.

"By yourself?  But I'm making dinner!" Gabe griped.

Cas sighed.  "No.  With Dean. I'm sorry, I didn't know if you were cooking tonight."

"Ahhh. It's okay.  You'll have leftovers when I go to work tomorrow then.  I thought you guys weren't going out until next weekend?"

"We weren't.  It's kind of last-minute."

Gabriel smiled into the phone. "Alright. I'm kinda glad you're getting out. Thanks for telling me.  Call if you need anything."

"Yeah, well, I figured you'd tear my place apart looking for me if you came down and I was gone," Cas frowned.  "See ya in a while."

"I would _never_... okay, I would.  Bye, Cassie.  Have fun."

Cas clicked 'end' and took a long, deep breath as he heard that familiar crunch of snow in the driveway.   "You can do this," he mumbled to himself as he opened the door.

"Hey," Dean greeted him with a wide smile, his impossibly green eyes sparkling with excitement.  "You ready?"

Cas nodded nervously.  "Yeah.  Where are we headed?"

"I know this place..." Dean winked.  "C'mon." He grabbed Cas's elbow and lead him toward the van. "Careful.  It's really slippery here," he instructed as they lightly tread over an icy patch.  Cas took three steps and his stupid sensible shoe slipped on the ice.  He flailed wildly for a split second until Dean steadied him, and somehow they wound up face-to-face as Cas nearly stumbled.

"Well _hello_ ,"  Dean laughed, not quite letting him go yet.  "If you wanted to kiss me so badly, you could have just said so," he teased.

Cas felt his face redden.  "N-no I didn't mean to..."  He struggled to get his footing back.

"I'm kidding!" Dean chuckled.  "Since I have you here like this though, I _am_ , going to go in for a hug if it's okay with you.  I got a little too used to holding you last weekend, and it's kind of all I can think about," he purred.

"Oh! Uh!  Yeah," Cas stammered.  "O-of course."

Dean helped him right his feet and he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in close to his chest. "Mmmm," he sighed, soothingly rubbing his hands up and down Cas's back. "You're going to kill me with that cologne, you know... Hey," he paused.  "You're trembling.  You okay?"

Cas pulled away, hiding his blushing face behind a hand.   _Why was he so anxious?_   _It wasn't like he hadn't done this before!_  He shook his head at how stupid he was being.  "Yeah.  I'm fine.  Sorry."

Dean nodded and silently continued walking them to the van. He opened the passenger side door and helped Cas up into the front seat.

"Uncoolest date vehicle ever," Dean grimaced as he climbed into the driver's seat.  "I do have an actual car, but since it looks like the snow is here to stay, I finally put her away this week.  We're stuck with the van until spring."

"That's okay.  Summer car, huh?  What kind of car do you drive?" Cas asked.

"A '67 Impala.  She's my baby, but she doesn't do well in these New York winters, unfortunately. Totally impractical, I suppose, but I drive her as often as I can.  Sentimental attachment, I guess.  She was my dad's."

Cas smiled, not really sure what to say.

"So... You a little anxious tonight?"

Cas sighed.  "Is it obvious?  You must think I'm such a freak."

"No.  I think you have anxiety," Dean shrugged.  "Doesn't make you a freak.  And you're just fine once you warm up a little."  He put the van in 'drive' and pulled onto the main road.   "Are you okay at restaurants?  Do places like that make you anxious?"

"Restaurants are usually okay... Big crowds like at concerts are really hard for me.  But honestly, I have the most trouble with one-on-one interactions.  I'm okay at work for the most part, but that's mostly because I'm just answering questions.  It's when I have to interact on a personal level with people that I have a hard time... Oh god, why am I telling you this?" he blurted awkwardly.

"Cas," Dean chuckled.  "First of all, you told me about that before.  And second of all, you're doing fine, so stop worrying.  Hey," he said, deftly changing the subject to distract him.  "Do you listen to Frank Turner?"

"I _love_ Frank Turner.  Why?"

Dean grinned.  "I knew you would, because you have excellent taste.  I have a promo copy of his new CD.  In there," he motioned.

Cas narrowed his eyes in confusion as he pulled the CD out of the glove compartment.  "How did you get this?" he asked excitedly.  "It doesn't come out for a few weeks yet."

"Uh.  Not to sound like a jackass, but I have some radio and record company connections.  Shit, that _totally_  makes me sound like a douchebag. Ugh.  Anyway, I burned a copy for me.  Take it with you."

"Really?  Can we listen to it now?"

"Yeah," Dean laughed.  "Of course.  We're almost there, but pop it in."

Cas fumbled with the CD player until the folksy-punk sounds of Frank Turner were streaming through the stereo speakers.

"I saw him play in Cleveland a few months back.  He's so good live," Dean said pensively.  "Have you seen him play?"

Cas shook his head.  "No.  That whole bad-with-concert-crowds thing..."

Dean smacked his forehead in exasperation.  "Right.  You _just_ said that.  Sorry, I'm an idiot." He shifted awkwardly as his face reddened, and Cas couldn't help but think how cute he was when he got embarrassed.  Ninety-nine percent of the time he seeme calm and collected, so the little reminder that Dean might be a bit nervous too actually made him feel better.

"It's okay," Cas laughed.  "Sometimes I think I'd love to go to a concert, but the crowds are just too stressful.  Everyone standing shoulder to shoulder, practically sweating on each other..." he shuttered.  "I love the music so much though, so it kind of sucks."

Dean nodded sympathetically.  "It can be a little overwhelming. It's fun though.  If you ever decide you want to go, tell me and we'll go together."

Cas smiled.  "Thanks...  I like this album so far."

"Right?  I _love_ the next track.  But unfortunately, we'll have to listen to it later, because we're here," he said, pulling into the parking lot of a tiny restaurant Cas had never noticed before.  "I was going to take you to that Mexican place I was talking about, but it's always so loud," Dean apologized.  "I thought it would be easier to talk here.  Is Italian okay?"

"Yeah.  Italian is good."

"Cool."  Dean looped his arm around Cas's elbow again as they exited the van, and they headed inside.

Minutes later, they were seated at a quiet, candlelit table for two in the far corner of a quaint, Italian restaurant.  The lights were dim and a fireplace nearby flickered warmly, adding a soft glow to the room as they browsed their menus.

"Better than Taco Bell?" Dean teased.

"I don't know," Cas deadpanned. "I can't seem to find a Crunchwrap Supreme on this menu anywhere..."   _Okay, maybe he was starting to relax, just a bit.  "_ But seriously, this is really nice.  If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me," he flirted. _Oh god, that sounded **too** relaxed!_

"Maybe I am," Dean waggled an eyebrow suggestively at him and he smirked as Cas blushed.  "Actually, a friend of mine owns this place.  The food is amazing and it's never busy.  Which is good for us, not so much for him.  So I try to come a few times a month."

Cas nodded, still trying to swallow down his moment of boldness.  "So what's good here?"

"Hmmm, I think the spaghetti carbonara is my favorite. The linguini with scallops is good if you like seafood.  The puttanesca is nice.  The ravioli are huge and delicious... Uh.  I like it all," he admitted sheepishly.

"I've never had carbonara.  It sounds good.  Maybe I'll try that."

Dean grinned.  "You'll love it.  The pancetta is so salty and chewy and... oh god, it's so good."  He paused, taking in the amused look on Cas's face.  "Sorry, I'm kind of a foodie," he laughed.   "I mean, not like a food snob, I just like to eat.  Are you a wine drinker?"

"Sometimes," Cas shrugged.  "But I know nothing about wine. Maybe I should have you order me something."

"Sure thing!"  Dean waved the waiter back over. "We'll each have the carbonara, maybe the bruscheta to start," he looked at Cas for confirmation, and Cas shrugged noncommittally.  "And do you have anything in a Gavi?"

The waiter nodded.  "A fine choice.  I have two Gavi de Gavis you may enjoy.  The first is a very refreshing frizzante, very citrusy and light. Quite nice for a casual dinner.  I also have an Etichetta Nera from the La Mesma Estate that is a bit more mature.  It's more acidic and and intense on the palate with some lovely citrus and sage notes."

"Hmm.  What do you think, Cas?  Bubbly or no bubby?"

"Oh," Cas fumbled.  "Um.  Bubbly?"

"The frizzante it is," Dean nodded to the waiter as he handed the menus back.   "Thank you.   So," he turned back to Cas.  "Day off today?"

"Yeah.  I guess you could say that.  I'm actually off for a few months," Cas mumbled, shamefaced.

Dean looked up in concern.  "Oh?  What happened?  Or do you not want to talk about it?"

Cas sighed and nervously drummed his fingers against the table as the waiter brought their wine.  "You might as well know, I guess.  I'm on sick leave for the next few months. Just this whole depression/anxiety thing."

"Aw shit," Dean frowned.  "I'm sorry.  Anything I can do?"

"Nah," Cas smiled.  "Mostly, it's just kind of embarrassing."

"Embarrassing?  Because you're sick?" Dean laughed.  "No reason to be embarrassed there, Cas.  I didn't know about the depression... But I suppose they often go hand-in-hand."

Cas was still feeling a bit flushed and awkward, but it was also nice to get it off his chest.  "You're strangely okay with this," he muttered.  "I don't usually talk about it to people... Especially to people I don't know that well.  The few I've told always seem really uncomfortable when I mention it.  I'm not even sure why I'm telling you, except that I've been acting weird every time you've seen me."

Dean stared at him for a long minute, his features softening into an uncomfortably tender gaze that made Cas's arms tingle with goosebumps.

"There's nothing weird about you," Dean finally said, turning his eyes downward and taking a deep breath  "Hell, I'm medicated, Cas.  I told you I used to get really bad panic attacks, right?  I had more _general_ anxiety, not so much the social.  Obviously," he chuckled softly.  "And I guess I still get anxious in certain situations sometimes, but I haven't had an attack in a few years.  So I guess the meds are working. Also...  I was really close to my mom.  And uh, for many years... she was very sick.  Depression.  So... Don't go thinking you're weird.  It's not that uncommon, okay?"

"Oh," Cas breathed, his wide blue eyes trained on Dean's.  "I'm sorry."

"Don't be.  So really, if you want to talk about it, I don't mind.  Otherwise... We have some wine," he smiled, raising his glass.

Raising his glass in tandem, Cas gave him a sloppy, gummy smile.   "Thank you," he said softly, feeling himself relaxing.  "How is it?" he asked, motioning to Dean's glass.

"It's nice.  Nicely acidic.  Bright and a little citrusy.  I had some doubts, but the bubbles really work with it.  Good choice," he said proudly.  "What do you think?"

Cas sloshed his wine around the glass, and sniffed it, mostly because Dean had done the same, and he took a small sip.  "That _is_ nice," he said, nodding his approval.  "I would drink this almost any time.  I never even heard of a... What did you call this?".

"Gavi.  It's a really common table wine in parts of Italy.  Sadly, it's not as well known in North America.  You can find a few at the wine shops, but they usually suck.  My buddy Tony gets the good stuff here.  I learned everything I know about wine from that guy," he laughed.

They continued polite conversation for a few more minutes, and just as Cas was afraid he'd run out of things to say, their food arrived.

"So... Moment of truth," Dean joked as Cas raised his first forkful to his mouth. "... And?"

"Oh my god," Cas gushed.  "This is _amazing_."

Dean smirked and wound a bite around his own fork.  "Told ya.   So... Did you bring a hat and gloves?"

Cas frowned.  "Um.  No.  Why?"

"I told you dress warm," Dean laughed.  "Don't worry, I brought spares. Thought we'd make a little pit stop before I take you home... is that okay?"

"Sure," Cas shrugged.   Now that he was starting to get comfortable, he definitely didn't want to go home just yet.  "What do you have in mind?"

Dean shot him a mischievous grin, green eyes sparkling with the flicker of the fireplace.  "You'll see."

::::::::::::::::::

As the van crawled to a stop along the side of a quiet, deserted highway, Cas frowned at Dean in confusion.

"Um.  Okay.  What are we doing?," Cas asked, the ridiculous anxiety-fueled part of his brain suddenly reliving every cliche horror movie he'd ever seen. _Dark, abandoned wooded area, unmarked cargo van, charismatic stranger..._

Dean grinned.  "Stay here a sec."  He got out of the vehicle and opened the back doors, then returned to the passenger side carrying a six-foot long, bent-wood toboggan.  He motioned over his shoulder to the enormous snow-covered hill and beamed at Cas.  "You in?" he yelled.

Relieved, Cas opened the door, laughing a little at his stupid, paranoid brain.

"You said you miss playing in the snow.  So let's play," Dean exclaimed.

"Hell yes!  Holy shit, I've never seen an actual toboggan," he breathed.  "I didn't even know they still made those."

"I know, right?" Dean smiled.  "Maybe they don't.  This thing is ancient; think it was my dad's when he was a kid.  He used to take my brother and I here - it's the best hill ever for sled riding."

Cas looked up at the steep hill, footprints and sled tracks marring the otherwise fresh snow.  It was dark, but one lone streetlight perfectly illuminated the majority of the path. "It looks awesome.  Let's go," he gasped excitedly.  He grabbed Dean's hand and began dashing up the hill.

Dean shoved a hat and a pair of gloves at him and Cas tugged them on as they hurriedly fumbled up the slick pathway.  "I guess neither of us wore the proper footwear for an expedition today," Dean said, chagrined.  "Well, we won't stay too long.  I don't want to give you frostbite."

"I don't even care," Cas puffed as they reached the top. "I can't wait to try this thing."

Dean watched in amazement as the years seemingly fell off of Cas, any traces of anxiety now gone.  He was bouncing with anticipation, and for a moment, all Dean could think about was throwing him down and kissing that adorably excited look right off his face.    
  
"Wanna go first?  Or do you want to go together?" he asked, once he'd managed to reel himself back in.

"We can go together.  C'mon," Cas said, taking a seat at the front and scrunching his legs up.  Dean slotted in behind him and gave them a solid push with his arms before wrapping them around Cas's waist.  The toboggan hesitated for a moment but quickly picked up speed as it began it's downward plummet.

Cas giggled hysterically the entire way down, and whether it was the joy of nostalgia, or seeing Cas so damn carefree for a moment, Dean found himself laughing almost as hard.  The toboggan slid to a stop and they both took a second to catch their breath before Cas stood up and yelled.

"That was awesome!  This toboggan is awesome!  This is the best hill _ever_!"

Dean couldn't wipe the grin off his face if he tried.  "Well, what are you waiting for?  Let's do it again."  They hurried back up the hill, slipping and sliding as they held onto one another to keep from falling.

Several rides later, their feet were soaked as the snow and cold began seeping into their shoes.  Cas was shivering, but he wasn't quite ready to go yet.  "I'm so cold," he murmured.  "Are your feet freezing?"

"Yeah.  They're getting there," Dean nodded.  "How about we do one more, then we'll go warm up?"

Cas smiled.  "Sounds good." They made their final trek up the hillside, trudging slowly now as the cold and exhaustion began to wear them down.

"Here.  You take the front this time," Cas suggested.  He climbed in behind Dean and held on tightly as the sled hurtled down the hill once again.  All at once, the toboggan hit a bump and skidded sideways, dumping them on their side as Cas squealed with laughter.

"Holy shit," Dean panted.  "I haven't had this much fun in a long time, Cas," he gasped, struggling weakly to sit up.

"Me neither," Cas giggled, sprawling flat on his back.  He stared up at falling snowflakes backlit by the lonely streetlight as he tried desperately to catch his breath.   "You know what else I haven't done since I was a kid?" he puffed.

"What?"

"This."  Cas spread his arms and legs wide and flapped them up and down, creating a winged version of himself in the snow. Dean smiled and lay back down next to him, mimicking his motions until there were two perfect, side-by-side snow angels.  He pushed himself up and stood, offering a hand up to Cas.

"C'mon, angel," he winked.  "Let's go before we lose a toe to frostbite.  I brought extra socks, so let's get something warm and dry on our feet, huh?"

Cas nodded gratefully as they dragged the toboggan back to the van.

"Here," Dean said as loaded the sled through the big cargo doors.  "Sit for a minute," he pulled his gloves off and motioned to the back of the van.  Cas took a seat while Dean dug around for the socks he'd stashed in the front.

"Gimme your foot," Dean said as he climbed back out.

"What?"

"Just gimme your foot and slide back a little," Dean laughed.

Cas gingerly held out a foot and Dean pulled his shoe off, followed by his sopping wet sock, then he covered Cas's icy, damp toes with his warm hands.  Cas wasn't really sure what to do in this situation, but he was secretly tickled by the sweet, albeit awkward gesture.  Still, he was finding it hard to look Dean in the eye while he was sitting there warming his toes.

"Warmin' up?"

Cas nodded shyly.

"Good.  Here," he said, as he slipped a warm, woolen sock onto his foot, then repeated the procedure with the other one.  "Better?" he asked finally, sitting down next to him.

" _So_ much better," Cas breathed as he sat back up, cross-legged at the edge of the van, still simpering shyly as he watched Dean change into his dry socks and shoes.   
  
"Whaaaat?" Dean asked self-consciously.   
  
"Uh," Cas blushed.  "N-nothing.  Nothing.  I just... um... I don't know."  
  
"Hmm," Dean nodded uncertainly, staring at him for a long moment.  "What would you do if I kissed you right now, Cas?" he asked in a raspy voice.  
  
"Oh," Cas gasped in surprise, and he shifted in his seat, sitting up a little straighter. "I... uh."  It was still cold outside, and snowflakes were softly clinging to his eyelashes, but he could feel his face burning hot as Dean's gaze met his.  
   
"Come here, sweetheart," Dean whispered gently, letting his fingertips graze the side of Cas's cheek. Like magic, Cas's eyes fluttered closed at the delicate touch and before his brain had time to panic, Dean's lips pressed softly against his, once, twice... By the third time, Cas let his hands wander, allowing himself to caress Dean's face and hair, and by the fourth, he was kissing back.  He knew he was awkward and fumbling, but for just a moment, he forgot about being anxious. The kisses were sweet and chaste, but with the unspoken tension between them, they were plenty intense, and Cas heard himself groan at the frustration of wanting _more_.  
  
"Wow," Dean hummed breathlessly as he pulled away.    
  
"Wow," Cas repeated, and Dean burst out laughing.    
  
"Alright," he smiled sheepishly.  "I'd better get you home before you freeze.  Climb through the front and you won't have to put your wet shoes on just yet," he said.   
  
They both made their way to their respective seats and Dean started up the van again.  "I really don't want to take you home yet," he murmured.  "But unfortunately I have to be on the road early."  
  
"You told me you were going for work... How uh.  How does that work?"  
  
Dean smiled.  "Oh, right.  So usually I just work weekends.  Friday and Saturday usually I do parties, but it's just been Saturday the last few weeks.  But I've also started doing runway mixes. Uh...  For fashion shows."  
  
"Well that's interesting..."  
  
"I actually went to school for fashion design, believe it or not," Dean laughed.  "So it's like the best of both worlds for me.  I get to see all the new stuff, I work with the designers to create a setlist... It's really fun.  Anyway, it's Fashion Week, so I have a few gigs there.  I have an apartment in New York, so I usually just drive up and stay."  
  
"Wow," Cas nodded in awe.  "That's actually really cool.  And it explains why you're always impeccably dressed."  
  
Dean ducked his head, blushing a little at Cas's complement.  "Well thanks.  I'm kind of a fashion nerd.  Hey, how about one more quickie stop?  I was going to suggest coffee, but I'm feeling a little nostalgic after the sled riding.  How about a hot chocolate?  There's a drive-thru just up here."  
  
"Hot chocolate sounds amazing."  
  
When Dean pulled the van into his driveway ten minutes later, Cas let out an audible sigh.  He hadn't been taking much joy in _anything_ lately, but he'd actually had fun tonight.    _It also didn't hurt that Dean had kissed him._ Even with his anxiety nagging at him half the time, he just wasn't ready for the night to end.   
  
They piled out of the van and Dean walked him to his door, grabbing his arm tightly as Cas nearly slipped on the icy patch again.    
  
"Thank you," Cas motioned to his hot chocolate and the CD in his hand.  "For _everything_ , actually.  I had fun.  And I really needed that."  
  
"Me too, Cas," Dean smiled.  "So... I guess I'll see you in a week?   I mean, we still have a date next Friday, right?"  
  
Cas smiled bashfully.  "Yeah.  Definitely."    
  
"Good.  Well... Goodnight?"    
  
"Goodnight..."  
  
They stared awkwardly at each other, both smiling at the implication but neither sure whether or not to make a move.  Finally, Dean took a tentative step forward and wrapped him in a long hug, kissing his neck and cheek as he pulled away.   
  
"Night, Cas," he grinned. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Brief mention of suicide. (Not the main characters).

"Mr. Ambrose, I need you in your booth for a sound check."

 _Two days down._  The mood backstage was tense, the staging area chaotic, flooded with a hundred or so people clamoring to get ready before the big debut. Models and makeup artists, designers and lighting technicians, each one oblivious to anything but their own part in this massive production, floated by Dean's periphery as he found his sense of calm in the booth. He loved this atmosphere, knowing that with the right songs, he could orchestrate the mood of the room, tying all the chaos together with a common thread of music.

Some days it was hard to believe he'd come this far.  It was a far cry from the first time he 'played DJ' at a family party when he was ten years old, making mix tapes from songs he'd recorded on the radio.  Nowadays his parties were becoming so big, celebrities showed up from time to time.

He loved doing runway shows because they combined two of his passions, but here, he had to be cautious. This was about the designer's vision, not his own, and while he had _some_ input on the direction, ultimately this was not about him.

Where he really shined was in a nightclub setting.   There he could hone his craft, mixing and creating whatever he felt, and getting instant feedback from an enthusiastic crowd.  So many times he used their energy to shape his music, morphing it as he went along until it was an audible expression of whatever he was feeling at the time.

"You ready, Dean?"   A tall, lanky figure with a clipboard and headset stuck his head into the booth, shaking his concentration.

"Yeah,  Joe," Dean said, putting his earpiece in. They're getting restless out there, so I'm going to play a little music. Just give me the cue when they're ready to start."

"You got it."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Alone in his apartment for the night, Dean curled up in his recliner and switched on the TV. Usually he'd be at an after party, having a few drinks and schmoozing with models and B-list celebrities; on a really good night, he'd take one of them back to his place and make them breakfast in the morning. But for some reason, his heart just wasn't in it tonight. He wasn't sure why, exactly.   It wasn't like he hadn't had offers this evening.  Normally he thrived on the social interaction, but right now, he just wanted to be left alone.

He picked up the remote, and restlessly flipped through channels, finally settling on a _Friends_ rerun for background noise.  From the end table beside him, his phone emitted a quiet buzz, and he picked it up to answer a text from Sammy, then thumbed through his contacts.  As he scrolled past the list of names, he paused.   _Cas Novak_.  He wondered what Cas was up to.

Goddammit, he hadn't stopped thinking about Cas since the night they slept together. Well, the night they actually _slept_.  Together.  He had no idea how they'd managed to spend an entire night in each others' arms without _at least_ a heavy makeout session.  It wasn't exactly Dean's style to spend the night in bed with strange people just for the purpose of cuddling, but Cas had just been so tentative and... _afraid_.  Comforting and calming him had felt way more rewarding than a quick roll in the sheets. That wide-eyed, hopeful naivety just made him want to hold him and protect him from the world. Not that Cas needed protecting - he was navigating the world with extreme anxiety and still kicking it's ass. Cas might not see it, but as far as Dean was concerned, he was brave as _fuck_. Hell, he'd been so anxious he _passed out_ , but he was still determined to carry on.

He had taken Cas  _sled riding,_ for God's sake.   _How damn cheesy was that?_   When he saw the wistful way Cas had mentioned it, he just couldn't help himself - and seeing him turn into a carefree six-year-old for just a while had been totally worth it.   It was funny to see how shy he became again afterward.     
  
Something about that nervous, tentative nature occasionally made _Dean_ nervous.  Cas was naive and a little skittish, and Dean was constantly second-guessing his actions; he didn't want to push him too far, too fast.  Maybe it was time to admit he already fucking liked this guy.  How could he not?  He was _adorable_.  Dean wasn't typically a snuggler, but damn if he didn't want to just cuddle him to death. Of course, another part of him wanted to pin him down and give him a good and proper fucking, but for right now, that was neither here nor there.

The sudden realization that Cas had probably never _had_ a good and proper fucking hit him like a ton of bricks.  If Cas hadn't really dated before, he'd probably never... _Huh_. _This should be interesting._  Dean was so... _not_ naive when it came to sex.  He set his phone down as he stared dumbfounded at the TV.   It just made sense, but he hadn't really thought about it until right now.   Shit, he wondered if that had been Cas's first actual kiss...  _Fuck_.  This was a lot of pressure.  It was all way too much to think about right now.   He scratched his jaw anxiously and tried to focus on the television.  

Still, he couldn't stop thinking about the charming little bastard, and he suddenly wondered if he was okay.  Cas had only briefly mentioned his depression, but if he was off work because of his illnesses, it must be pretty bad, and the thought of that scared him.  

He remembered when his mom had first taken off work for her clinical depression.  He remembered how her usually cheerful disposition slowly changed into an empty numbness.  In the end, she didn't survive her illness.  Dean was 15 when he found her unresponsive with an empty pill bottle in her hand, and he had never been quite the same. 

The stress of losing his wife was too much for the oldest Winchester, and he took his own life soon after.  Dean and his younger brother Sam were placed in state custody, and eventually bounced between a few different foster homes when the first family couldn't handle Dean's anger issues, and a family friend got a little too handsy with Sammy at the second home.  

When Dean was finally old enough, he filed for custody of his brother and got them the hell out of there, settling in a little town a few hours from New York.  There, he could find work in the city while Sam finished high school.  It really hadn't been that long, but it seemed like a lifetime ago.  Dean was twenty-seven now, Sam twenty-three, and they were still impossibly close.  So close, that when Dean's career started to take off, he bought two houses on the same street, one for him, and one for his brother.  They might as well just live together since they were always at each other's houses, but it was nice to have their own space.

Sam was the complete opposite of Dean.  He was much more the type that enjoyed staying home over going out.  Dean was forever trying to get him to go to the club with him, but Sam would much rather stay home and read.  He was kind of shy, and a bit of a nerd, and... _Well, shit,_ he was a lot like Cas.

_Cas.  Right._

Well what happened to Mom was sure as hell not going to happen to Cas.  Even if this whole dating thing had to be put on the back burner while he worked on his recovery, he was going to be there. He already liked the guy too damn much to let anything happen to him.

He picked up his phone again and scrolled down to Cas's number, then hit the 'talk' button.

:::::::::::::::

Cas was curled up on Gabriel's couch again after practically being force-fed fresh bread and homemade chicken noodle soup.  He hadn't been feeling well mentally today, and as usual, Gabe had forced him out of his nice, warm bed to make him eat something.  While he appreciated the gesture, he also felt like crying for no good reason.  His brother was an old pro at this, however, and he had mastered the balance of giving him his space while not quite leaving him 'alone', and Cas appreciated that most of all.

Gabriel was sitting in the cushy velvet chair across from him, paging through a magazine while Cas aimlessly flipped through channels with the remote.  "Is that your phone?" he asked suddenly, looking around for the source of the buzzing noise that had just sounded.

"Yeah.  I left it in the dining room," Cas mumbled.  "It can go to voicemail."

Gabriel frowned and stood.  "What if it's important?" he asked as he headed for the dining room.

"The only important person who calls me is you," Cas yelled. "It's probably just a scammer."

He heard Gabriel reply but he couldn't quite understand what he was saying.  "What?"

"Yeah, he's here.  I see you've been keeping my baby brother out all hours of the night..." Gabriel said as he walked back into the room with Cas's phone pressed against his ear. "I know it was you, Winchester. Who the hell else drives a big-ass cargo van?  I'm watching you, bucko," he cracked.

"Gabe!" Cas squealed, jumping up from his seat.  "Give me that!" he yelled, wrestling the phone away.  Gabriel howled with laughter as he returned to his chair.

"Uh.  Hi," Cas said awkwardly into the phone.  "Sorry about that.  My brother is an idiot."

"Hey," Dean laughed.  "Don't worry about it.  Older brothers are _supposed_ to be idiots.  I should know."

Cas smiled.  "I didn't expect you to call.  Are you back home?"

"Nah, I wish.  Still in New York.  I'm just not feeling it this week."

"How come?"

"I don't know...  I kind of want it to be next Friday already."

"Oh?" Cas asked.  "Why Friday?"

Dean chuckled softly.  "Because I get to see you."

"Oh." Cas felt his face reddening, and he tried hard to hide his toothy grin from the prying eyes of his brother.

"How are you doing today, Cas?" Dean asked, sobering.

"Uhh," Cas faltered.  He glanced down at himself, and grimaced as he realized he was still wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday.  He hadn't showered in two days, and he felt kind of gross.  "I'm okay, I guess."

"That wasn't very convincing."

Cas sighed.  "Honestly?  I've been having kind of a rough day.  No reason for it. I just feel like shit."

"I'm sorry," Dean said sympathetically.  "What can I do?"

"Nothing.  I'm okay, really.  Gabe made me eat, and I'm hanging out at his place.   Not that I had a choice."  He rolled his eyes at Gabriel.  "He keeps forcing me out of bed."

"Well," Dean laughed.  "He may be a total pain in the ass, but I'm glad you have him.  And you can tell him I said that too."

Cas reluctantly smiled.  "Yeah, he's alright I guess.  He can cook, so that's a bonus...  How are things there?"  He paused, suddenly shocked at how easily the words were coming for a change.  "When do you get back?"

"I get back Sunday morning.  I have this fashion stuff all week, then a party Saturday night.  You know, since I only work a few days a week, and you're not working right now... maybe I can see you before Friday?" Dean asked, suddenly cringing at how desperate his voice sounded.

Though Cas didn't feel much like going out the last few days, he was also pretty eager to see Dean again. "I-I'd like that," he managed, suddenly shy again.  "Hopefully I can get my ass out of bed that day..." he sighed. 

"Well, I'll drag you out," Dean promised.  "And if that doesn't work, I'll just crawl in there with you and we can snuggle and sleep like last time."

Cas tried, but he couldn't hide the smile this time. "Oh, " he squeaked. "That would be..." he stopped abruptly as he looked up to see Gabriel grinning like a lunatic.  He cleared his throat and pulled his blanket up over his head, and Gabe took the hint to leave the room for a few minutes.  "That would be nice," he finished quietly.   
  
"I uh, I guess I can let you go. I just wanted to hear that raspy, sexy voice of yours," Dean teased.  Since Cas was seemingly not too anxious on the phone today, he thought he'd push his luck a little.   
  
" _Dean_..." Cas simpered shyly.   
  
"I wish I were in bed with you right now...In your bed, our warm bodies pressed together... maybe a little kissing?"  
  
Cas giggled nervously.  "What are you trying to do to me right now?"  
  
"Maybe you'd let me nibble at your neck and ear a little..."  
  
" _Dean_ ," Cas yelped.  "I'm-I'm at _Gabe's."_.    
  
"Oh," Dean laughed.  "Right. Sorry.  I know you were thinking about it though.  You might be a little nervous, but you like when I touch you, don't you?" he purred.   
  
"Y-yes," Cas hissed.  His entire body was on fire, flushed with embarrassment and... something else.    He wasn't sure why just talking about Dean touching him made him so shy and... oh god, he was  _horny_.  Well this was new.  It wasn't like he'd never been horny before but it was nice to have an actual _reason_  for being horny.   
  
"Mmm.  Well next time, you just tell me where you want to be touched," Dean whispered.   
  
"Ohh," Cas gasped. "D-Dean.  Gabe's here," he whispered quietly as Gabriel walked back into the room.   
  
Dean grinned.  "You sound a little turned on, Cas.  Everything okay?"  
  
"Y-yes. You're so cruel," Cas laughed softly.   
  
"Okay, okay, sweetheart.  Calm down.  Think about... I don't know.  Barbara Bush naked.  Projectile vomit.  Your brother in a Speedo."  
  
"Fuck!  Ew!  Thanks for _that,"_ Cas laughed.  He paused for a minute and frowned as he suddenly remembered something.   "...that's the second time you've called me that."  
  
"What, sweetheart?" Dean asked.  "Yeah.  Is that okay?"  
  
"Y-yes," Cas was flushing from his toes to the tips of his ears now, and Gabriel was pretending not to look at him, hiding a goofy grin.    
  
Dean sighed contentedly into the phone.  "You are just _adorable_.  Well hey.  It's been a long day here, and I think I'm going to try to sleep.  You can call me if you need anything though, okay?"  
  
"Okay.  Thanks for calling."    
  
"Anytime.  Can I call you tomorrow?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Awesome.  Goodnight, sweetheart."  
  
"Goodnight, Dean."  Cas hung up the phone and pulled the blanket up to his nose to hide his blushing face.    
  
"Cassie, Cassie, Cassie," Gabriel hummed.    
  
"Shut up, Gabe."  
  
Gabriel grinned.  "It's just good to see you smiling."


	7. Chapter 7

_Just get up and shower.  Then you can lie back down._

The thought echoed through Cas's head as he kicked the blanket off and stared at his alarm clock.  It was already two in the afternoon, and after tossing and turning all night, he'd slept most of the day away.   He must have looked pretty pathetic this morning, because even Gabriel had suggested he go back to sleep.

Now it was late, and he _had_ to get up.   After all, it was Sunday, and Dean was coming today.  He really didn't want to get out of bed, but he also _really_ didn't want Dean to see him like this - unshowered, unbrushed teeth, dirty, messy hair, and wearing nothing but a faded, worn pair of boxers.

"Must be nice to be a cat,"  Cas yawned at the purring ball of fur curled up at his side.  "I hope you appreciate all I do for you. I didn't even feed myself, but I dragged my ass out of bed early to feed _you_ ," he muttered as he stroked her smoky gray fur.  Scout just purred louder and nuzzled at his arm, and Cas smiled softly.  "Yeah, yeah.  You're welcome.  Alright, let me get up," he sighed.  By sheer will and the threat of embarrassment, he managed to drag himself to the bathroom.

He adjusted the temperature and stepped into the shower, sighing at how much energy this seemed to be taking. He was exhausted already, and he had just woken up.  Without another thought, he grabbed the shampoo bottle and sat down on the floor of the tub, letting the spray pour down around him.  He hung his head, watching the little rivulets of water stream off his forehead and down around his jaw as he thought about the last time he'd sat here.

It had been a long time since he'd sat sullenly on the floor of the shower like this.  When he and Gabriel shared a house, this is where he'd go to cry on bad depression days.  There were times he was inexplicably teary, and as much as he tried to stop them, the stupid tears would fall anyway.  He hated worrying Gabe, especially when he didn't even know _why_  he was crying.  So he'd cry in the shower, usually sitting on the floor, since standing took too much effort.  The water washed the salty tears down the drain and kept his face from turning red, and the steam kept his sniffly nose clear.  The first time he'd stepped out of the shower after a good breakdown, he could barely even tell he'd been crying, so for a while, it became a guilty little habit.

Thankfully, he didn't feel like crying today.  To be completely honest, he didn't feel much of _anything_ right now. He wanted to see Dean, of course, but he also kind of wanted to hide from the world today.  With no experience to speak of, he realized he was awkward at this whole dating-thing, but still, dating while depressed felt somewhat surreal. He had never planned on dating _at all_  in this state, but Dean was strangely persistent.

Somehow Cas managed to lather up his hair and scrub himself clean before climbing out of the tub and drying off.  He glared at his reflection in the mirror, feeling like he'd gotten a bit soft over the last few weeks.  While he wasn't exactly a health nut,  he generally kept in shape by bicycling or walking a few times a week.  Since he started feeling shitty again, walking up the stairs to Gabriel's place was the most exercise he'd been getting.  That was depression for you though; it wasn't happy just messing with your mind, it had to mess with your body too.  He drew a fluffy white towel around his waist and ran some fingers through his hair, then headed off to his bedroom to get dressed.

"Cas?"

Cas nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice coming from his living room.

"It's Dean," the voice said, and Cas vacillated between relief and panic. He didn't want Dean to see him like this.  Good thing he hadn't walked out naked like he did some mornings.

"Hey. Uh. I'll be there in a minute, I just..." He yelped as Dean came walking into the hallway with Scout curled up and purring contentedly in his arms.

"Hey," Dean said nonchalantly.  "Your brother saw me knocking, so he let me in.  Hope that's okay..." He grinned and gently set the cat down, then held out his arms for a hug.

"I'm uh. Kinda n-naked," Cas stuttered as he had a brief vision of his towel falling off.

"I _know_ ," Dean grinned, waggling an eyebrow.  "Okay, okay.  I'll wait. Go get dressed.  And think about what you want to do today. Are we going out or staying in?"

Cas nodded and hurried off to his bedroom, still a little embarrassed that Dean had seen him nearly naked. He was so self-conscious for some reason; most guys didn't think twice about going shirtless, but it made Cas uncomfortable, and having his little moment of body anxiety a few minutes ago didn't help. Quickly, he slipped into a button-down shirt and a pair of khakis, and after another minute of frowning at himself in the mirror, he added a grey sweater-vest.   _The more layers to hide in, the better_.  Making his way back to the living room where Dean was now waiting, Cas suddenly realized that aside from the whole almost-naked-thing,  he didn't feel too anxious today.  Still depressed, yes, but the anxiety seemed to be a bit better.  Maybe his meds were starting to work.  Or maybe he was finally getting more comfortable being around Dean. Either way, it was nice for a change.

"Soooo," Dean greeted him as he walked through the doorway.  "Can I get that hug now?"

Cas nodded shyly and Dean wrapped him in a embrace.

"Mmmm.  You have no idea how much I wanted to do this while I was away," Dean hummed against his ear, and Cas shivered excitedly.   He pulled away, giving Cas a soft kiss on the cheek.  "So.  How are you feeling today?"

Cas shrugged.  "Exhausted, mostly. I don't know if I'll be good company today, to be honest."

"That's okay," Dean said, making his way to the couch.  "You don't have to entertain me or anything.  I was thinking... have you been out at all lately?"

Cas's face contorted in shame.  "No.  I don't think I've left the house since I last saw you."

"Hmm.  In that case, we're going out."

Cas bit his lip and sighed.

"I know, I can tell you don't want to leave the house, but that's why it's even more important that you do," Dean said. "You know how it is.  The more you isolate yourself, the harder it is to get out again."

"Yeah," Cas sighed, knowing full well that was true. "Alright."

"I have something tentatively planned.  But if it's too overwhelming, we can grab takeout and come right back here and watch a movie, okay? "

Cas nodded.  "I'll be fine.  I'm not scared to go out or anything,  I'm just exhausted today."

"Well I'll keep you awake with my brilliant singing in the car," Dean grinned. "But seriously... This might be a little out of your comfort zone... but I think you can do it."

"What is it?"

Dean laughed.  "It's a surprise. I promise you'll like it though."

Almost immediately, Cas could feel the anxiety growing in his stomach again, and for no good reason, he was suddenly filled with a vague sense of dread.

"Dean..." he managed.

"Uh uh.  Don't look at me like that," Dean smiled.  "You trust me, don't you?  I promise.  If it's too much, we leave.  Just say the word."

Cas didn't trust a lot of people, but he had to admit, he _had_ grown to trust Dean in the short time they'd known each other.  "Yeah," he grumbled.  "Let's go then."

"Such enthusiasm," Dean cracked.

Cas nodded somberly, and slipped his coat on.

::::::::::::

"Where are we going?" Cas asked. "Coffee? A restaurant? Can you at least tell me that?"  He really needed to break down and tell Dean he wasn't good at spontaneous plans. The anxiety was gnawing at him stronger now, but he was trying hard to keep it under control.

"Nope," Dean shrugged.  "We're going into the city though, so settle in.  Why don't you control the music for us?  If you hit this button," he said, pressing a button on the stereo, "I have a huge memory card full of albums on there.  Go nuts."

Cas nodded and began scanning through Dean's collection, thankful for the distraction. Poring through each album, he was amazed at just how similar their musical tastes really  were.  With the exception of a few albums he didn't recognize, this could well be his own music collection.  "You really do have good taste," he murmured.  "Wait.  'Dean Ambrose'.  Is this you?"

Dean laughed nervously.  "That's me."

"Of course it is.  That was a stupid question," Cas scoffed. "I mean, is this like... live music or...?"

"Yeah.  Most of them are live sets.  I have an album in the works... Tentatively.  You'll see it if you scroll down.  But it's pretty rough right now.  It's not finished."

"Can I hear it?"

"Uh.  If you want, I guess.  I don't think you'll be into it, though."

Cas shrugged.  He wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not, but Dean suddenly looked incredibly self-conscious.  "I don't care. I want to hear what you do."

Dean nodded and hit a few buttons on the stereo, and an upbeat, pulsating trance song began pouring through the speakers.  A few seconds of quiet settled between them as Cas listened and Dean held his breath. Slowly, Cas's head began bobbing as he found the rhythm.

"It's catchy," he said.  "Who's the girl?"

"That's my friend Leigh.  She actually deejays too. Doesn't she have a fantastic voice?"

"She really does.  So... Like I said, I know nothing about trance music.  You create it all?  I mean... how do you... _do_ this?"

Dean laughed.  "Yeah, pretty much.  I have a studio set up in my house.  It's kind of hard to explain without showing you.  It's a lot more intense than most people realize.  I have six different software programs where I create beats and full tracks.  Each separate beat, each instrument, each hand clap, whatever is added in until I have something cohesive. Sometimes it'll be completely my own creation, sometimes something to complement someone else's song, depending if it's for me, or when I'm playing at the club.  Then I hook my laptop or computer to my controller... I have three hookups, so I can hook up a turntable, CD, my iPod, whatever for mixing too.  And then it's a whole lot of layering. Taking two or three tracks and mixing them, making the beats match, fading one track in or out, fading the volume in or out, adding or removing filters for each track, adding a few beats on the fly, messing with the EQ to even it all out, tone matching... Then I have the studio mixing and mastering for the CD.  I know, it all just sounds like a bunch of jargon, but you'd get it if I showed you."

"Wow," Cas nodded, only halfway following.  "So... You really have to _know_ music to do all that shit, huh?"

Dean grinned.  "It definitely helps. It's funny, no one's ever asked me that before. Everyone just assumes any jackass can use a computer program to make music... which is true to an extent," he sighed.  "But actual deejaying is an art.  The true test is playing live and being able to create on the fly."

"Well, I like it," Cas said.  "It's not what I usually listen to, but it's really catchy.  It's happier music than I usually listen to," he laughed.  "I didn't expect the vocal track, which I really like too."

"Thanks," Dean beamed.  "Sometimes I have a vocal, sometimes not.  I like creating my own stuff for the CD, but it's really all about the live gig for me.  The energy is so intense.  I feed off the crowd, to be honest."

"God, we're _such_ different people," Cas said shaking his head. "I like watching you talk about it though.  Your face just lights up and you get so excited.  I kind of want to see you in action now."

Dean chuckled.  "You know, _you_ get that way when you talk about music too.  I'd love for you to come.  Any time you're ready, you just let me know.  You can hang out in the booth with me.  Then you won't have to deal with the crowd so much."

"Hmm," Cas nodded slowly, seemingly deep in thought. "That might not be _so_ bad.  Maybe someday...  For now, you should make me a copy of this," he said softly.

Dean paused to look at him.  "Really?  Uh, yeah.  Sure. But don't judge me on this.  It's nowhere near done yet. I'll burn you one of my favorite live sets."

"Cool," Cas smiled.

The snow swirled down softly around them as they made the long ride downtown, with Cas happily manning the stereo, but as the traffic slowed and grew dense, he started to lose interest.  He stared out his window instead, marveling at the famous buildings, and taking in the lights of the city.

"I've never actually been to New York," he murmured quietly as the buildings

"Really?" Dean exclaimed.  "We only live like two hours away and you've never come into the city?"

Cas shook his head.  "Never had a reason to, really.  And to just go by myself with no specific plan can be a little overwhelming."

 "Yeah, that's true," Dean nodded.  "Well, I'll have to take you sightseeing another day.  For now, we're here."

"Society for Ethical Culture?" Cas said confusedly, reading the banner on the weathered grey building.  "What's this?" he asked as Dean circled the block to find parking.

Dean just shook his head and chuckled warmly as he pulled the van up to a valet.  "You really don't like surprises, do you?" he asked as he handed some cash out the window to the man in the parking booth.  He pulled the van forward and put it in 'park'. "C'mon," he said, head motioning to his door.  Cas took a deep breath and climbed out, and Dean met him around the back of the vehicle as he handed the keys to the valet.

"You look nervous," he noted.

"I am."

Dean just smiled and slipped his arm around Cas's waist, guiding him toward the front door of the building.  "Just a few more minutes, sweetheart, and you'll see.  I think you'll be fine though."

Usually Cas would be slightly nervous with Dean's arm around him, and while he _was_ nervous, he wasn't even thinking about that yet.  Right now he was too busy imagining all the possible worst case scenarios of where they could be going and what could go wrong. The unknown was the worst.  He could handle _most_ public places, but the few he couldn't made him nauseated just thinking about them.

Already, there was a small line to get into the building, which made Cas worry.   _So it was an event of some sort_.  He didn't do well with big crowds, and having to stand in line didn't bode well.

"Dean..." he squeaked.  "I don't know if I can...".

"Shhhhh.  Come here." He grabbed Cas's hand and yanked him forward until they were standing face-to-face, just inches apart.  "I am going to get you some blinders," he teased, cupping both sides of his face so that he couldn't see around them.  "That way, you can only look straight ahead."

"Dean," Cas giggled, trying to turn his head.

"Uh uh.  It's just you and me here," Dean continued.  "No need to look around.  Besides, if you haven't noticed, you have a _fantastic_  view!"

Cas playfully rolled his eyes and Dean leaned forward to kiss the tip of his nose.

"Hey, we're moving," Dean said suddenly, grabbing Cas's hand and entwining their fingers before pulling him gently forward.  The line began to move steadily, and as they neared the front, Dean slipped a hand inside his jacket pocket, removing two tickets.  He handed them to the woman at the door, who tore the ends off, then stamped each of their hands with a blue logo before letting them through.

"I think the line was the worst part of it," Dean assured him.  "Right through here," he said, pointing to a large set of double doors. "You okay?"

Cas nodded uncertainly, doing a brief scan of his surroundings.   There was a flat, ground-level stage at the front of the room, with wooden, consecutive bench seating arranged around it in curved rows. It could be for music, or it could just as well be a lecture hall or a town hall building for all Cas knew.

"We're down front," Dean said, tugging him along, and Cas blushed as he suddenly realized they were still holding hands.  Sitting down in the first row, Dean helped him with his coat and stowed all of their winter gear under the seats.  "So.  We're here. Is this okay?"

Cas was still busy looking around at the other people filing into their assigned rows, but he nodded bravely.  "It's not too bad I guess.  Can you tell me now why we're here?"

Dean chuckled and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.  "Well, I have some sponsors who give me tickets to things once in a while.  I didn't plan on making it to this one, but since I got to your place early, I thought we'd try to go together."

"Go... To what?"

"Oh.  Right," Dean laughed.  "A concert. You said you've wanted to go to a concert, but it was too overwhelming.  So... This is a tiny venue, we have seats instead of standing elbow to elbow,  and it's an acoustic show, so it won't get too loud or crazy... Thought it might be a nice place to get your feet wet."

"Really?" Cas asked, his curiosity suddenly trumping his anxiety.  "Who are we seeing?"

"Have you heard of Butch Walker?  I think you'll really like him, since we have similar tastes and all."

"Seriously?  I love Butch Walker!" Cas gushed.  "'Letters' got me through my last big depressive episode.  I listened to that album every day for weeks!"

Dean beamed proudly.  "I swear to God, Cas, you're fucking amazing. Then you probably know he has a new album coming out..."

"'Afraid of Ghosts'," Cas interrupted.

"Yeah," Dean laughed.  "Sooo... You think you'll be okay?  I promise, we can leave if you need to."

Cas looked around the room again, taking in the crowd.  "I... think I'll be okay," he said hesitantly.

"That's my boy," Dean murmured, pulling him closer for a soft kiss on his temple. "Remember. Blinders," he winked, shielding the far side of Cas's face.  "It's just you, me, and the stage tonight."

"Stop it," Cas giggled, shoving his hand away.  "I'll be fine."  He was still anxious, but he was also excited, and with Dean being so touchy-feely tonight, the warm, giddy feeling in his stomach was making him forget everything else.  He let his head rest on Dean's shoulder, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.   _He was at a concert.  With a date. In the city. And it wasn't so bad._

The seats continued to fill around them, and Cas just sat there, eyes closed, slowly breathing in Dean's scent.  He'd almost forgotten this smell; the smell of soap mixed the leather and spicy bay rum scent of his aftershave. He hadn't been this close to him since they fell asleep together, and right now, that scent and that warmth were keeping him grounded.

"You comfy?" Dean asked in amusement, nuzzling the top of his hair.

"Mmmhmm." He tuned out the rustling of the people around them, breathing in that calming scent until there was nothing there but him and Dean.

"Lights out, sweetheart," Dean whispered.  "Open your eyes."

Cas had always been passionate about music, but he didn't realize how much more intense live music could be.  As the next two hours progressed, he found himself awash in emotions, forgetting everything but how the music made him feel. He was singing along with Dean, belting it out with the crowd at times without the slightest hint of self-consciousness.  He was silently introspective during the slow songs, goosebumps prickling his entire body as the crowd sat transfixed, so quiet you could hear a pin drop.  At one point, he was so overwhelmed by it all - in a good way - he could feel his eyes stinging with tears. 

"That was  _amazing_ ," he yelled to Dean as the crowd chanted for an encore.

Dean just laughed.  There was that excited six-year-old again, eyes shining, not a care in the world.  Seeing him like this was all Dean needed. He gave Cas's hair a quick tussle and put his arm around him again.

As the audience stood for the final song, a sad, melancholy crowd favorite, Dean felt an arm slip around Cas's other shoulder.  He glanced over, angrily at first, but he quickly noted much of the front row had linked shoulders, singing and swaying in time with the music.   Worrying for a moment about how he would react, he pulled Cas a little closer, but Cas was so wrapped up in the music, he didn't even flinch.

Dean grinned as the woman next to him linked an arm around his neck and he returned the gesture as they all continued singing.

 _"Seven hours till the moon sleeps_  
_I lose my mind as I drive away_  
_Your cigarettes are in the back seat_  
_I can't bring myself to throw away_

 _All of the film from the camera that took_  
_All the pictures of the images in my mind_

 _So I'll drive a straight line, right across the state line_  
_Out into the ocean, in a moment I'll be gone_  
_Then you won't have to feel torn..."_

 As the lights came back on and the crowd began shuffling out, Cas sheepishly realized tears were streaming down his face. He wiped them away, but not before Dean caught a glimpse of him.

"Relax. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house during that encore," Dean laughed, dabbing at his own eyes.  "I guess you had a good time then?"

"That was so... That was...  Wow.  I have goosebumps.  Still," Cas managed. "Thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome."

"No," Cas started.  "Not just for the show.  For pushing me out of my comfort zone. And you put so much thought into how I'd feel..."  He drew in a shaky breath.  "A regular concert would probably have been too much, but this whole thing was just perfect," he breathed. "If you had told me ahead of time, I would have said no.  And I would have missed all of that.   So thank you."

Dean could feel his face reddening.  He had never been good at complements or chick flick moments, so he just smiled and handed Cas his coat. "Come on," he said, tugging his jacket  on.  "Are you as hungry as I am?"

Cas nodded.  "Getting there. But maybe we could just stop at a drive-thru?" he asked.  "This was awesome, but I don't know if I can do a restaurant too tonight.  I'm a little overstimulated," he said weakly.

"Yeah.  Of course," Dean agreed.  "We'll eat in the van.  It's probably better that we get on the road anyway. It's already getting late and the weather is supposed to turn shitty."

Cas nodded and slipped into his coat, and timidly, he reached for Dean's hand.

They stepped out of the concert hall to a thick blanket of freshly fallen snow, and Cas blinked the heavily falling snowflakes away from his lashes as they made their way back to the van.

"Scratch that," Dean sighed. "The weather _is_ shitty.  Might take us a while to get home.  Doesn't look like a plow has been by all night.  Might wanna text your brother so he doesn't freak," he laughed.

Cas rolled his eyes."Yeah.  I probably should... Hey, you have a place in the city, right?"

"I do.  About fifteen minutes that way," he pointed.  "Why?"

"Well," Cas swallowed hard, hoping this wouldn't sound as bad as it did in his head, "Since the weather is crappy, we could crash there for the night if you don't want to drive home in this..."  His mind was suddenly racing, and he hoped it didn't sound like a desperate invitation to sleep together.  He was making progress, but he wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for that just yet.  Well... He wanted to _actually_ _sleep_  with Dean again, but he couldn't expect that to happen, could he?

Dean turned to him, giving him a good staredown before he spoke. "Are you sure?  If you want to go home, I'll get you there, Cas.  It just might take us a while."

Cas shook his head.  "No sense risking our lives if we can just stay here.  I'll be okay."

"Alright," Dean agreed, finally convinced that Cas was really okay with this plan. "Let's just go there then. We'll find something comfy to sleep in, watch some Netflix, and order a pizza. Sound good?"

"Yeah," Cas smiled.  "That sounds good."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After changing into some borrowed flannel pants and a t-shirt, and texting Gabe to feed his cat in the morning, Cas shuffled back to the main living area.  Dean's studio apartment was small, but it was plenty of space for one guy living here two days a week. It was probably also expensive as hell being in a desirable area of Manhattan, Cas thought.  He didn't like to think too much about how Dean seemed to be pretty well-off.  If it weren't for Gabe right now, Cas wasn't even sure how he'd be surviving while off work.  Even while he _was_ working, he lived paycheck to paycheck on his paltry library clerk's wage.  It gave him a bit of a complex if he thought about how much more worldly and sophisticated Dean was.  He knew Dean was way out of his league, but if he dwelled on it too much, the depression would drag him down, so he did his best not to think about it.

"Pizza's here," Dean said cheerfully, placing a huge box and some paper plates on the coffee table.  "Did you text your brother?"

"Y-Yeah," Cas choked, recalling the ten-minute conversation wherein Gabe repeatedly asked if he had protection.  "I did."

Dean narrowed his eyes questioningly as Cas turned red, but said nothing.   "Sit," he motioned to the couch. "Let's find something to watch."  He flipped the TV on and scrolled through Netflix for a bit, and between the two of them, they settled on a comedy neither of them had seen before.

"So..." he said, taking a seat next to Cas.  "If you've never been to New York, That means you've never had a New York slice, have you?"  He opened the box and took out a giant slice for each of them.

"No... cripes, that's a big slice of pizza."

Dean nodded.  "Bleecker Street.  Best pizza in New York. I will fight anyone who says otherwise," he winked.  "Now, if you want to eat like a true New Yorker, you fold it."  Dean picked up his slice and folded it in half, then took a big bite.  "Orgasmic," he mumbled, eyes closed, mouth full.

Cas grinned and picked up his pizza, folding it before shoving a bite into his mouth and chewing thoughtfully.  "Oh. My. God.  I don't think I can ever eat regular pizza again," he murmured. " _So_ good."

"Right?" Dean exclaimed.   "It's... oh shit, I just noticed how exhausted you look," he laughed.  "Little tired?"

Cas ducked his head as he blushed fiercely.  "Yeah.  Sorry.  I don't have a lot of energy these days and it's been a big day.  I'm totally worn out."

"Aww.  Well, we'll head to bed after we're done eating, okay?  Um.  Obviously I don't have a guest room or anything, so you can take the bed tonight. I can sleep here," he suggested casually.

"Oh. Uh.  Okay..." Cas muttered, trying hard to hide the disappointment on his face.

Dean paused, cocking a suspicious eyebrow at him.  "Unless you want to shaaaare," he drawled.

Cas looked away nervously.  "Um, well I hate to kick you out of your own bed..." he stammered.

Dean's face twisted into a look of pure satisfaction.  "You _want_ to sleep with me," he gloated.  "You sly bastard, you."

"What?  Not like th... I mean, no, I..."

"Relax," Dean laughed.  "Im just teasing you.  Let's finish our pizza, and we can share the bed.  We'll _snuggle,_ " he emphasized, once again giving Cas a push without pushing him too far. They'd been a bit touchy-feely tonight, and it wasn't like they hadn't shared a sleeping space together, so it wasn't a far stretch.  Besides, Cas had clearly been looking forward to it.

Minutes later, Cas found himself in a plush, comfy bed, hesitantly curled up to Dean's side. He was still nervous, mostly because Gabriel's words kept echoing in his head:  _'You have protection, right Cassie?'  Twenty-five years old, and scared of sex_ , he scoffed to himself.   Sure, he had tested it himself with a finger from time to time, but a finger was much smaller than...   _that_.  Not that he didn't want it.  Oh he _did_. He was just having a really hard time with the intimacy of it all.  Hell, sometimes he still struggled with all of the little touches and kisses.  He loved it, but years of retreating into his own little world made it hard to be so raw and openly affectionate with anyone.

It didn't help that was was so self-conscious.   He'd felt out-of-shape since this whole depression bout had hit, but even when he was feeling fit, he'd always been shy about being naked, or even just shirtless. Worst of all, at twenty-five, he was  _embarrassed_ that he was still a virgin. Most people he knew seemed to be sexually active by high school, or shortly thereafter.  Gabriel had tried to convince him that it really wasn't a big deal, but it still made him feel awkward and naive.

"What are you thinking about?" Dean whispered into the darkness.

"What?  Nothing.  Why?"

"You just got really tense.  What's up, sweetheart?" Dean crooned.  "Talk to me."

"I don't... It's just... I'm a virgin!" Cas blurted. "Oh my god..."  He clamped a hand over his mouth, feeling absolutely mortified.   _Well, that wasn't what he had planned on saying, but it was to the point, he supposed._

Dean did his best to bite back the laugh that burbled up in his throat.  "Are you suggesting that I'm going to take you right here, right now?"

"I... Um.   _Fuck_ ," Cas stuttered.  "Well, no, but..." He was glad the lights were out to hide the constant reddening of his cheeks this time. He didn't think he could Dean in the eyes right now anyway.

"What are you worried about?" Dean murmured, comfortingly ruffling his fingers through Cas's hair.

"I don't know. I get freaked out at the thought of anyone seeing me naked.  Or even shirtless. It's stupid, I know.  And being... _intimate_ is hard for me. I just... I feel so stupid. I'm _twenty-five_ , Dean!" he fumbled.

"So what if you're twenty-five?  Who cares how old you are?"

Cas covered his face, the mortification setting in.  "Why am I telling you this?  And why do you put up with me?  Aren't most people sleeping together by now?  Isn't there like a third date rule or something"

Dean frowned.  It was true that usually he'd have his partner in bed at this point.  It was also true that he wanted Cas trussed up and writhing on the end of his cock.  Still, he really liked Cas, and if he had to wait, he would. He'd just have to resign himself to...  _taking the edge off_ at home for a while.

"Hey, hey, hey.  Calm down. No.  Not always.  And I'm not just 'putting up with you,' Cas.  I like you.  You're clearly anxious about that, so I'm not gonna push you, alright?  It's okay, really."

Cas sighed heavily.  "You can push me a _little,"_ he whispered.

"...Is that a hint?"

Cas shrugged, bashfully burying his face in Dean's shoulder. "Maybe."

Dean grinned.  " _Maybe_ I should kiss you..."  he said, rolling onto his side to nuzzle softly at Cas's cheek.

Cas giggled and playfully nuzzled back, and as Dean's lips met his, he whimpered excitedly.

"So cute," Dean murmured, going in for a few more soft pecks before pressing a little harder, and lingering a little longer. His hands gently made their way to Cas's face, stroking and cradling him like he was something delicate and precious before he shoved him flat on his back.

As Dean's thumb dug into his chin, Cas took the hint and unlocked his jaw, moaning as Dean's tongue slipped past his lips.   Over and over, Dean lapped into him, humming his approval as Cas timidly let his tongue slip forward to caress his own, and just when Cas thought he might suffocate from lack of oxygen to his brain, Dean finally pulled away.

"Ohhh," Cas panted furiously. "That was... _Ohh_."

Dean grinned and nuzzled against his cheek.  "Mmmhmm.  And there's lots more where that came from..." He rested his head on Cas's shoulder, and possessively ran a hand up and down his torso.  "...Cas?"

"Hmm?"

"Wait," he said, changing his mind.  He sat up and shrugged his t-shirt off over his head, and tried not to laugh as he saw Cas's eyes widen.

"Okay," he said, resting his head on Cas's shoulder and snuggling into his side. Tentatively, he inched his fingers up under the hem of Cas's shirt as he studied his face.

Cas frowned in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"Pushing you." Slowly, he let his hand inch up Cas's shirt, watching intently in case he should protest. He paused as he exposed the smooth skin of his stomach, and pressed a soft kiss just above his navel.

Cas swallowed hard, but he didn't speak, so Dean continued slowly sliding his shirt up, pausing ever inch or so to kiss the newly exposed skin.

"You're beautiful," Dean whispered. 

"Dean," Cas whispered nervously.  His breathing was heavy and he could feel himself trembling already. _God, this was so stupid.  He should be able to take his shirt off in front of him without freaking the fuck out._

"Shhhh. Look at me," Dean commanded.

Cas's wide, frightened eyes locked on Dean's.

"You can say 'stop', you know," Dean said softly.

"I know," Cas squeaked.

Dean smiled and kissed his stomach again.  "Good boy."

Something about the way Dean said those words made Cas shiver, and he suddenly realized he was _horny_ , just from Dean kissing his stomach like this.  His shirt was slid up to his armpits and he shuddered as Dean's tongue flicked against his collarbone.  

"Take it off," Dean whispered. 

"W-what?" 

"Off."

Cas nodded breathlessly as he sat up, just enough for Dean to pull his shirt off over his head. 

Dean smiled.  "See? Not so bad, right?" he asked as he continued softly kissing and nibbling at his chest.  "I'm not going to ask you to take anything else off, so relax."

Cas closed his eyes and arched his back as Dean teasingly flicked his tongue against a nipple, giggling a little at the tickly sensation. 

"And now the best part," Dean said, lying on his back next to him.  He held out an arm and Cas slid in next to him, resting his head on his shoulder.  "I get to hold you like this... Feel your bare skin on mine... " He wrapped his arms around him and Cas purred happily as he tightened his grip around Dean's waist. "And rub at these tight muscles in your back... And kiss you to sleep..." he said, pressing lazy little kisses to his lips and cheeks.

"It _does_ feel good," Cas sighed. He was still horny, but he was also still drained from the excitement of the day, so he closed his eyes and gave in to this warm, blissful feeling that was rapidly consuming him. For a morning that started out void of feeling, Cas was pretty sure he'd felt a dozen different emotions today.  And as welcome as they were, they were also utterly exhausting.

"You had a big day.  I'm proud of you.  Sleep now, sweetheart."

"Thank you, Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> State Line - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C7gC3xBch8


	8. Chapter 8

Cas hadn't been sleeping long when he was violently jostled from the warm pillow of Dean's shoulder. He groaned and blinked hard, willing his eyes to focus in the darkness.

"Dean?" he asked, immediately realizing something was wrong. Dean's chest was heaving and he was sure he'd heard a groan just as he was shaken awake. "Are you okay?" he asked, bolting up quickly in panic.

"F-fine, Cas," Dean panted.  "Go back to sleep," he said, trying to disguise what sounded like a sniffle.  

Cas frowned, placing a hand on his chest, but Dean gently pushed him away.    
  
" _Dean."_ He crawled over to the lamp and switched it on, and Dean covered his face with his elbow. "What's wrong?"

Dean let out a shaky breath as he sighed. "Just a panic attack. I'm okay."

"Oh," Cas said in surprise.  "I-I'm sorry.  Can I do anything?"

"Nah."

For a moment, Cas felt a bit slighted at how abruptly Dean dismissed him, but then he remembered how scared and embarrassed he felt when he had an attack.  Without overthinking it, he gently reached out and stroked Dean's hair.

"You're okay," he whispered.  "I'm here with you, and this will pass.  Just breathe deep and slow for me, okay?"

Dean attempted to chuckle through his ragged breathing. "Tables have turned, huh?"

"Shhh. Breathe.  Imagine you're smelling a rose," Cas said, using one of his favorite visualizations.  "Good," he said as Dean took a deep breath in through his nose.  "Hold it.  Now blow out the candle." Dean exhaled his breath through his mouth.  "Again.  Smell the rose. Hold. Blow out the candle." He continued on, stroking his hair and whispering little affirmations as Dean tried to gain control of his racing heartbeat.  As he sat there, doing his best to comfort him, his hand brushed against his cheek, and he realized that Dean was crying big, silent tears.  He frowned, but said nothing, continuing to focus on his breathing. God, how he wished there was something he could do.   _This must be how helpless Gabe felt every time he'd tried to talk him down from a panic attack._

He rubbed gently at Dean's scalp, working soothing little circles with his fingertips.  When he was younger, Gabriel would rub his scalp like this and sing to him when he had an attack, so before he could talk himself out of it, he picked the first song that popped into his head and began singing in a trembling voice,

 _"I wrote the song two hours before we met_  
_I didn't know your name or what you looked like yet_  
_Oh, I could have stayed at home and gone to bed_  
_I could have gone to see a film instead_  
_You might have changed your mind and seen your friends_  
_Life could have been very different but then_  
_Something changed..."_

Dean let out a shaky sigh and gripped Cas's hand as the song ended, and they stayed quietly frozen in that spot for what seemed like hours before Dean finally spoke.

"Well that hasn't happened in years," he said sheepishly.  "Sorry, Cas."

"Don't apologize... What happened?  Or do you have panic disorder like me where they just come out of the blue?"

"Nah," Dean shook his head. "More like a bit of PTSD.  I had a dream..." he trailed off tiredly rubbing at his eyes.

"About what?"

"...my parents."

"Oh," Cas breathed, "I... I'm sorry... Do you want to talk about it?"

Dean sighed again and shrugged. "The short story?  My mom killed herself when I was fifteen. She took a bottle of pills.  I found her. Dad kind of went crazy after that.  Shot himself a few months later.  I was the one who found him too."

Cas sat there in stunned silence, not really sure what to say. "I... Oh my god. I'm so sorry."

"That's when I started getting the panic attacks, or shortly thereafter. I used to have these dreams all the time... About finding them. I wake up in a cold sweat, in full-blown panic mode... Well, you saw, I guess. I haven't had one in probably two years.   I'm sorry you had to see all of that. And hear all of this... I'm kind of a mess, huh?" he laughed nervously.

"No," Cas whispered. "You're not a mess.  You're so pulled together all the time, I had no idea, Dean... I'm so sorry.  Are you okay?" he asked, knowing it was a stupid question, but he wasn't sure what else to say.

"Yeah," Dean said, wiping at his face.  "Yeah.  I'm alright. Just a little embarrassed.  Every time I think I'm somewhat okay again, this seems to happen," he sighed.  "Will you lie back down with me?" he asked, holding the blanket up for Cas to crawl under.

Cas dove under the blanket and tightly wrapped his arms around him, suddenly feeling very possessive.  All this time Dean had been looking after him, and he had demons of his own.

"Thanks, Cas," Dean whispered.

"For what?"

"Taking care of me there.  For calming me down.  You just sprung right into action.  Thank you."  He nuzzled Cas's forehead and gave him a gentle kiss.

"Oh.  Uh. No problem..."

"And _of course_ you would know Pulp!  You have a great voice, by the way.  I might have to start making you sing me to sleep," Dean teased.

"Noooo," Cas protested shyly.  "I suck."

For a second, Dean almost kept quiet, but he couldn't hide the mischievous smile on his face.  "Oh yeah?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh my god," Cas blurted before he could stop himself, his face burning red as usual.  He knew Dean was desperate to change the subject away from what had just happened, so he just went with it.

Dean just laughed, pulling him in a little closer.  "I love teasing you.  You're so cute when you get all embarrassed.  And _speaking_ of being embarrassed, look who's okay with still being shirtless," he teased, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

"Shut up," Cas laughed nervously.  "I know it's stupid, but it still feels weird." 

"Hmm?  I think it feels amazing."

"I mean, it feels nice, but it still feels weird," he yawned tiredly.  

Dean nodded faintly.  "You know what the problem is?"

"What?"

"You still have pants on," Dean grinned. "You'd be _much_ more comfortable if you took them off."

"Dean!" Cas exclaimed, giggling nervously

"Whaaat?  I'm just looking out for your comfort!"

"Uh huh."

Dean flashed that winning grin, the one that made Cas giddy and anxious at the same time.  "Come on, sweetheart..." he purred, mashing his face against the side of Cas's in a rough, sloppy kiss.  "You can leave the underwear on," he winked.

"So what's the point of that then?" Cas laughed.

"I get to rub our naked legs together... And you get to be almost naked, so It'll totally help you get past that fear," he said as solemnly as possible while biting back his laughter.

"That's such bullshit," Cas tittered.

"Yeah," Dean grinned.  "I just want to get you out of your pants.  But you really should take them off...  I mean, your shirt is already off, sooo..."

Cas anxiously chewed his bottom lip,  considering this.  The shirt was the worst part.  And as long as he kept his boxers on, it didn't matter much.

Dean began kissing up the side of his neck again and Cas shivered excitedly.  "Okay, okay!  I guess they can come off."

"Mmmm," Dean hummed happily as he sat up and tugged Cas's pajama pants off, tossing them to the floor.  "Now you get to take mine off."

" _You_ can take them off," Cas giggled.  "I'm not taking your pants off for you."

"Yes you are."

"What?" Cas laughed.  "Dean!"

"Cas," Dean said in a low, rumbly voice.  "Take my pants off."

Something about the way Dean said that made Cas's jaw drop, and without further hesitation, he found himself slowly inching Dean's flannel pants down around his ankles.

Dean gave his pants a kick and lunged forward, knocking Cas onto his back.  "Good boy," he panted as he began smothering him with kisses again.  "Can I tell you a secret?" he whispered against Cas's ear.  "I really..." he paused to nibble his earlobe and Cas's entire body jerked. "... Really," he continued, sucking tiny nibbles to his neck, " _Really_ like being obeyed."

"Ohhh," Cas squeaked, his breath catching in his throat.  He had no idea why that turned him on so much, but it did.  Dean sucked a little harder at his neck and Cas moaned loudly.  For a brief moment, he worried that it might leave a mark, but since he wasn't exactly around people lately, he supposed it didn't matter.

"Mmm.  Such a pretty little moan...  Does my baby need to play a little?" he breathed.

Cas was panting hard, and he was confused as hell. Earlier in the evening he was sure he wasn't ready for anything sexual, but right now it was all he could think about.  Okay, it still made him anxious, but he was so damn horny, he couldn't think straight.

"I... Um... Don't know," Cas squeaked.

Dean smirked as he continued planting kisses over Cas's chest and stomach.  "My baby is horny," he whispered.  "Aren't you, sweetheart?"

"Y-Yes," Cas rasped.  Dean had just called him his baby, and he suddenly wondered why the hell he was still resisting.  

"What do you think we should do about that?"

"I-I don't know."

Dean subconsciously licked his lips and smirked.  "Well when you decide, let me know."

Cas groaned as Dean continued devouring him, one teasing kiss as a time. _This was completely unfair._ Dean knew he way way too anxious and shy to do anything about it.  Instead, he lay there writhing uncomfortably as his arousal built.

"Dean," he whimpered, feeling embarrassingly close to losing control as Dean's lips worked their way down his stomach again.  "No, Dean, I'm going to...Ohhhh."

"What do you need, sweetheart?" Dean taunted. "Just tell me. I'll give you anything you want..."

Cas groaned internally.  This was way too overwhelming. His hips were thrusting gently, trying to rub against Dean, but his body was just out of reach.  He also couldn't seem to control the fact that he was making horribly embarrassing little gasps and whimpers.  With Dean taunting and kissing him, teasing his nipples with his tongue and sucking at the side of his neck... It was too much.  He was frustratingly hard but the feeling in his groin was warning him that he wouldn't last much longer.   _He couldn't cum like this.  Dean hadn't even touched him._ Unfortunately, his body decided he didn't have a choice in the matter.

"No," he whimpered to himself.  "No. No, no, no, ohh. Oh! Shit!  Shit!"  He instinctively reached a hand to his crotch, as if by hiding it, Dean might not notice.

Dean paused what he was doing and stared in awe as Cas's body buckled and trembled violently.  "Okay," he whispered, finally realizing what was happening.  "Shhhh, it's okay."  
  
Cas yelped and whimpered a final time before curling up in a very embarrassed little ball.

"You alright?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Oh my god," Cas gasped, hiding his face with his arm.   _This just might take the cake for the most humiliating thing to ever happen to him._

"Hey," Dean said, softer this time.  "Are you... crying?" He could just barely hear sniffling, so he pried Cas's arm away from his face to reveal the wet tracks on his cheeks. "Cas, what's wrong?" he asked, panicked that maybe he pushed him a little too far.

Cas didn't _want_ to talk, but sitting there in silence would be even more awkward.  He shook his head, still averting his eyes. "Just really fucking embarrassed."   _Even more so because now he was crying a little._

"Ohh," Dean breathed, almost in relief. "Baaaby," he crooned.  "Come here, sweetheart." He wrapped Cas up in a tight, possessive embrace. "It's not a big deal."

Cas sniffled and buried his face in Dean's chest.  "Right," he grumbled bitterly, "you didn't even touch me and I came in my pants. And why the hell am I crying? Fucking pathetic."

"It's not," Dean insisted. "It happens to everyone sometimes.  And I think it was kind of cute..."

Cas groaned.

"I'm sorry, but it was!  It's my fault, really.  I teased the _hell_ out of you.  I had a feeling that might be what was happening, but I kept at it.  I'm sorry.  That was cruel of me."

Cas just sighed.

"I'll make it up to you," Dean continued.  "You can torture me all you want!  Come on.  What do you want to do to me?"

Despite his desperate attempt to stay pouty, Cas couldn't help but laugh. "I'm not torturing you, Dean," he muttered into Dean's chest.

"No, no!  I mean it!   What do you want?  I have a cock cage you can lock me in!"

Cas abruptly pulled back to look at him, his watery eyes wide with curiosity.  "A _what_?"

Dean chuckled softly.  "A cock cage?    It's uh... a chastity device." He grinned at the traumatized look on Cas's face.

"Why would you have.. I mean, why would you want to..." Cas paused, not really sure what he intended to ask.  "Why would... Just... _Why_?"

"Whaaat? So I'm a little kinky sometimes," Dean laughed.  "I know you're pretty innocent and all, but you can't tell me you don't have kinky fantasies?"

"No!" Cas gasped, fiercely blushing.

"Come on," Dean coaxed. "There must be _something_...  You think about it.  I'm going to go grab you a washcloth and some clean pants," he said.

Dean slipped out of bed and headed off down the hallway to the bathroom, returning seconds later with a warm cloth and some clean boxer shorts.

"Hey," he said softly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  "Let me clean you up."

"What?" Cas exclaimed.  "No, I can do it," he fumbled. "I... Actually I'll go to the bathroom and just..."

"Cas.  Let me help," Dean gently dragged a finger down his torso, making Cas squirm.  "It's just one more layer, sweetheart," he breathed, licking his lips suggestively.

Cas giggled nervously. "It's the most important layer!"

Dean grinned.  "I'm just going to clean you up. Promise.  You can take mine off too if it makes you feel better."

Cas laughed, anxiously rubbing at this face.  "O-okay."

"Good boy.  Take them off for me."

Taking a deep breath, Cas carefully slid his shorts off, trying not to make a bigger mess, and he lay back down, closing his eyes.

"Oh, Cas," Dean sighed, "Could you possibly get any cuter?  Open your eyes, baby."

Cringing, Cas opened his eyes.  He couldn't bear looking at Dean while he was so exposed, but Dean was once again persistent.

"You're beautiful, you know," Dean whispered.

Cas squirmed uncomfortably at the praise and he inwardly groaned.  He certainly didn't feel beautiful. Right now he felt like a gawky, awkward teenager again.

"You _are_ ," Dean insisted, as if reading his mind.  "Now let me clean you up."

Cas nearly doubled over in shock as Dean firmly licked a stripe up the inside of his thigh, taking a lick through the sticky mess near his groin. "Dean!" he yelped, immediately feeling goosebumps rush across his arms.

"Hmm?" Dean asked, licking a stripe up the other thigh.

"Ohhh!" And just like that, Cas was horny again. "W-what are you doing?" he gasped, suddenly unable to control his nervous giggling.

"Just cleaning up the mess," Dean smirked, pulling back to wipe him with the washcloth. "You okay?"

Cas nodded breathlessly. Dean tenderly cupped his balls as he wiped him clean, and just that tiny gesture had Cas ready to explode. When he wrapped his cloth-clad fist around his cock, Cas let out a long, low moan.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?  I'm just wiping you off," Dean said innocently.

Cas groaned in frustration.

"You sure you don't want to torture me yet?" Dean winked as he tossed the cloth to the floor. "Speaking of which, you never told me what your dirty little fantasy is." he said as he threaded Cas's legs through a clean set of shorts.   "You _must_ have some sort of kink."

"I... I don't know.  I haven't _done_ anything, Dean.  I-I have no experience.  I didn't even know a... a _cock cage_ was a _thing_!"

Dean grinned and lay back down, wrapping an arm around his waist.  "Well, you know, props are optional. Come on..."

"I um.  I guess, maybe having my arms restrained while um... you know.  Oh my god, how do you get me to open up about things like this?" Cas blushed, covering his face with a hand.  "And... _fuck_ , I was just  _naked_ in front of you."

"Because," Dean smiled.  "You _trust_ me. Thank you, Cas.  Believe me, I'm not taking that lightly.  I know I've been edging you out of your comfort zone, but I'm trying not to push too hard.  It's just... I can tell there are things you _want_ to do, but the anxiety stops you.   So, if we can do them together... I mean, I kind of like being the one you trust to..."  He took a deep breath and kissed Cas's cheek.  "Look, you're not seeing anyone else, are you?"

"No."

"Me neither. You uh... you wanna keep it that way?"

Cas grinned at the awkward fumbling, for once not coming from himself. "Yeah.  I was kind of hoping that might be the case."

"Good," Dean sighed in relief.

"And you're right, you know. There are a lot of things I want to be able to do. I _want_ to be braver. It's just so hard."

"I know," Dean soothed.  "I can tell.  You're trying so hard.  I'm really proud of you.  We'll keep working on it together, alright?"

Cas nodded.

"Soooo... Restraints, huh?" Dean grinned.

"Shut up," Cas laughed.  "Mr. Cock Cage."

"Hey, to be fair, I prefer to use it on others.  But I'd totally let you cage me, if you wanted to."

Cas shook his head, blushing again. "Pretty sure I'll never feel the need to put your dick in a cage."

"Hey, you never know!  It's nice to have one available in case the mood strikes,"Dean teased.

"Wait," Cas interrupted. "So you get turned on by... Do you want to cage _me_?" he squeaked. "Like, would that turn you on?"

Dean laughed.  "Hmmm.  Well, only if you were into it too. Which you clearly are _not_.  Kink is only fun if both parties want it.  I mean, a little nudge out of the comfort zone is good, but everyone has hard limits. Like for me, anything involving blood, scat, or watersports is a hard _no_.  Hardcore painplay is a _no_ too. I mean, I love a good spanking. But I like using a hand or flogger, maybe a riding crop. Canes and heavy paddles are too much for me. I don't like using them on people either.  I just... I like to keep the painplay confined to the bedroom. I don't like being bruised and sore for days, you know?  I mean, that's just my own personal preference."

"Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?  I don't even know what half of those things are!" Cas yelped.

Dean laughed again, pulling him in close.  "I wouldn't do _any_ of that unless you really wanted to. Besides, if we're going to do _anything_ , I think we should just work up to vanilla sex first, don't you?" he smiled.

Bashfully, Cas nodded.  "Thanks for being so patient.  I'm sorry this doesn't come easier for me.  I feel so stupid and naive sometimes.  To be honest, I never thought I'd date at all while I was in one of these hardcore anxiety-depression bouts.  I'm not always like this, you know.  I mean, I'm always kind of anxious, but this is way worse than usual."

Dean nodded, running his fingers gently through Cas's hair.  "It'll get easier.  Look at all you've done today!  It's a far cry from the first night when you hyperventilated and passed out from just talking to me!"

Cas groaned.  "Don't remind me. If I were you, I'd have run out of there and never come back."

"No you wouldn't have.  You're far too sweet and considerate to do that."

Cas sighed. "Okay I wouldn't have.  But I also wouldn't have blamed you if you did."

Dean smiled and rolled his eyes.  "Didn't want to leave.  You were way too cute and smart and interesting. Plus, I _really_ wanted to make out with you."

"You did, huh?"

"Mmmhmm.  Still do."

Cas chewed his bottom lip, mulling this over thoughtfully.  "Well what's stopping you?" he finally murmured.

He barely had time to blink before Dean was on him, kissing and nibbling at the crook of his neck.

"This okay?" Dean breathed.

"Y-Yes," Cas choked in surprise. The feeling of Dean's weight on him sent a wave of shivers through his body, and he could feel his dick responding to the pressure.

Dean continued slowly kissing and sucking at his neck, working his way up to his earlobe and teasing it with his teeth.

"Well _hello_ ," he purred as he felt Cas's erection rise to meet him.   He shifted his weight and Cas moaned loudly as Dean began rocking his hips, rubbing their straining cocks against each other.

Cas was already overwhelmed by his own arousal, but Dean's hard length rubbing against his felt better than he'd ever imagined. He wrapped his arms around Dean's back, clutching at him desperately as Dean turned his attention to his mouth. With just a few soft, gentle kisses, Cas was ready for more, and he boldly licked against the seam of Dean's lips, urging him to part them.

"Mmm," Dean hummed, digging his fingers into Cas's hair and lapping into his mouth as he increased the friction between them.

Each time Dean would pull back to whisper little words of encouragement, Cas found himself reaching forward for more, and Dean was happy to indulge him. As the feeling in his groin intensified, he groaned and wrapped his legs around Dean's, pressing their bodies impossibly closer.

Cas was hot and sweaty, his cheeks flushed red, and his breath was coming in erratic gasps now as Dean grunted and panted above him. His eyes seemed to have lost the ability to focus as they rolled back in his head, and Dean took that opportunity to suck and nibble at his neck again, making Cas's entire body arch into him.

Dean knew that gaping jaw and the dazed look in his eyes meant one thing.   _Cas was going to cum again._

"Feel good, baby?" he teased.

Cas nodded breathlessly.  "Yesss," he hissed, feeling Dean's hard cock twitching against his own through their boxer shorts.

"D-Dean..." Cas whimpered. "I'm going to... um."

"Mmmhmm. That's the point," Dean said, lowering himself back down for a kiss. "Relax and let it go," he whispered, burying his face in Cas's neck and sucking a wet trail of kisses there.

Cas was overwhelmed with sensation and emotion, feeling both vulnerable and strangely protected at the same time.  Just the feeling of Dean on top of him was enough to make him swoon, but the kisses to his neck and the... _grinding_ were more than he could take.  He dug his fingertips into Dean's shoulders, desperately clawing for anything to hold on to as Dean bucked his hips faster, spurring him on with a little dirty talk.

"You gonna cum, baby?" he taunted between gritted teeth.  "Come on, sweetheart. Cum for me."

Cas couldn't even think straight.  He felt so hot and lightheaded, his vision was blacking out around the edges, and he briefly thought he might pass out.  "Dean!" he yelped, gripping him tighter. "Dean?"

"That's it.  Say my name, baby."

Cas let out a shattered moan as he finally lost control.  "Dean!  Ahh!  Ahh!   Oh fuck. I... Ohh!"

Dean grunted as his hips stuttered and he arched his back wantonly.  "Casss," he groaned.  "Mmm.  Yeah, yeah, yesss, ohhhhh," he panted, finally crashing down on top of him.  "Oh god, Cas... You okay?"

Cas nodded in exhaustion.  "I'm good," he murmured, giggling as Dean covered his face in kisses. "It's so much better when we go together."

Dean nodded. "You know this means you can't keep being so shy around me now, right?" he teased.  "I've seen your 'O' face."  He rolled off onto his side and pulled Cas in close to his chest.

"S-sorry," Cas panted, burying his face in Dean's t-shirt.

"For what?"

"Uh. I don't know..."

"Are you all embarrassed again?  What are you apologizing for?  Cumming?  Don't you dare apologize for that!" Dean laughed.  "You're so damn innocent... I'm going to feel _so_ guilty when I finally ravish you."

Cas bashfully hid his face.

"See?  So freakin' cute.  But I know there's a bad boy in there somewhere," Dean whispered close to his ear.  "And when he's ready, we're going to have _so_ much fun..."

Cas shivered excitedly.  "I hope he's ready soon."

Dean laughed.  "Me too."

As they lay there, panting and sweaty, basking in the afterglow, Dean began softly nipping and nuzzling him, pulling him in even tighter.

"What are you doing?" Cas whispered, not at all complaining.

"Mmm, I get a little needy afterwards," Dean admitted sheepishly.  "I need to touch you." He twined their legs together, repeatedly rubbing every inch of skin he could reach.

"Ohh," Cas hummed.  "Well I like it."

"Me too," Dean said, a blissful look of drowsiness suddenly washing over him.

"I thought people only said things like 'say my name' in porno movies," Cas blurted, breaking the quiet moment of contentment.

Dean laughed tiredly and he shrugged.  "I can't help it. I like you yelling out my name."

Cas blushed.  "You also keep calling me your baby, and telling me 'good boy' like I'm a dog or something."

"I'd probably be more embarrassed if you didn't like it so much," Dean smirked.  "The way your eyes roll back when I call you a good boy... Mmm.  Besides, I like to praise my baby when he does what I ask.  I _told_ you I like being obeyed."

"Oh my god," Cas said, burying his face for what felt like the hundredth time that night.  "You're so... _dirty_ ," he huffed.  "I feel so naïve."

"You are," Dean said simply. "And I think it's sweet. But I also have no qualms about showing you what you might be missing. Just make sure you tell me if I push too far, okay?"

Cas nodded. "I will."

"And sex isn't dirty.  It's fun and totally normal.  I know you're shy and all, but there's no shame in sexytime between consenting adults.  Nothing wrong with exploring your own body either, FYI."

"It's a _little_ dirty," Cas grimaced, glancing down between the two of them.

Dean laughed.  "Well there _is_ that... Wanna come shower with me?"he asked coyly. 

Cas looked at him for a long moment, surprised by what he was about to say.  "Actually... I _do_.  But I'm also  _exhausted_ ," he laughed weakly. 

"Wow," Dean breathed.  "Didn't expect that.  Wellllll," he drawled, "if you come with me, you can just stand there while I scrub you down and wash your hair for you.  Then we'll come back here and sleep in a bit, maybe go to brunch... And then we'll get on the road before your brother sends out a search party for us. He might be small, but he's still scary," he winked.  "I don't want to piss him off."  
  
"Alright," Cas grinned.  "Let's go."  
  
"You know you'll have to be naked again, right?"  
  
Cas nodded shyly.  "I think I'll be okay."  
  
"Mmm.  Good boy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pulp - Something Changed - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFSdf_VeYG0


	9. Chapter 9

"Mr. Novak!" Dr. Mitchell's smiling face greeted him as he walked into the office.  "It's been a few weeks since I last saw you.  How are you feeling?"

Cas settled down into that worn leather chair, the one he'd sat in dozens of times before, so often, in fact, that it's very presence was a comfort. He usually hated this part of the consultation.  Though Dr. Mitchell was a professional, she always looked at him with this expectant hope when he came back after a medication change, and if he didn't see any progress, he had a strange fear of letting her down.  He knew it was ridiculous, but his brain on depression could be a bit irrational at times.  Today though, he was hopeful. He wasn't exactly back to his normal self just yet; in fact, he'd had a little breakdown for no good reason just a few days ago.  Still, he was starting to have a few good days, and that was a definite improvement.

"I'm doing okay.  Not great, but a little better I guess. I've had a few bad days, but I'm starting to have good days again too.  Well," he paused. "Maybe not good _days_ , but I have chunks at a time that are pretty good."

"Well that's good.  You said you weren't feeling much of anything when we last spoke on the phone, correct?"

Cas nodded.  "For a while I just felt numb, but I'm starting to feel a bit more, anyway.  Although two nights ago, I just felt overwhelmingly sad.  I don't know why, I was just miserable."

Dr. Mitchell scribbled on her pad.  "Did anything trigger this?  Did something upset you, or were you in an overwhelming situation?"

"Nothing that I can think of."

She nodded knowingly.  "What did you do when you felt this way?" she asked.

"I-It was late.  But I texted a friend."

"That's a good choice when you're feeling low.  It's good to reach out.  Much better than hiding in your bedroom like a hermit, right?  Who did you text?"

"Um.  Dean," Cas said nervously.

"Dean..." Dr. Mitchell said, trying to remember.  "Is he the one you went on a date with?"

"Yes."

She nodded, a slight hint of a smile turning up the corners of her lips. "So what happened when you texted?"

"Um. He called, but I was crying and so uhh...  He came over."

"And what happened?  Was everything okay?"

"Yeah," Cas sighed.  "He just sat with me and tried to calm me down.  Made me drink some water, and put an ice pack over my sore eyes... Silly, I guess, but I felt better with him being there.  I mean, I felt like an idiot at first."

Dr. Mitchell stared at him for a moment, her kind eyes looking a bit misty.  "You know you're not an idiot because you have wonky brain chemistry.  This Dean sounds like a very good friend."

Cas smiled, a bit sheepishly.  "He is. I've always had Gabe, so I'm pretty lucky.   But Dean has been good to me too, I think."

"I think so too.  I wish all of my patients had your support system. Are you friends? Or still dating?"

"Uhh," Cas blushed.  "Dating."

"That's great!" Dr. Mitchell exclaimed, not even trying to hide her enthusiasm.  "So it's been a few weeks?  Almost a month?"

Cas nodded.

"How are you doing with the touching and intimacy issues?" she asked, quickly sobering. 

Cas drew in a sharp breath. "Pretty good, I guess.  Like I said last time, I think my fear of touching was mostly the anticipation.  I'm okay with it.  I like it, even. I still get a little anxious with public displays of affection if we're out, but otherwise I'm doing okay."

"Fantastic. And intimacy? You're dealing well with all of that now too?"

"Um," Cas fumbled, his face reddening again.  "Kind of. There are things I'd _like_ to do, but I'm nervous."

Dr. Mitchell frowned, deep in thought.  "Now... you don't need to give me details, obviously. But I'm guessing we're talking about _sex_ , right?"

Cas nodded uncomfortably.

"Okay.  Why do you think that is?  It's something most people do at some point in their lives.  Most couples in relationships have sex, right?  You said you want to do it, so why is it scary to you?"

"It's not... _scary_ , per se.  It's... I don't know," he sighed.  "I think there's just this nagging voice in my head saying that it's... _dirty_.   I know that's stupid.  I don't _really_ believe that.  And it's not like I don't _want_ it, because I do.  I mean, it's getting better, I guess.  We've done  _things_. Just not... _sex_."   _God, he couldn't stop fumbling over his words as he tried to make sense of his feelings._

The doctor tapped the end of her pen on her notepad, squinting in concentration.  "Do you think...?  Hmm.  When you first started coming to me, we talked a lot about your parents and your strict religious upbringing.  Was sex ever a topic of conversation in your home?  Even as a pre-teen, teenager, when you were hitting puberty...?"

Cas nearly snorted with laughter.  "Strict is an understatement.  Oh god, no we didn't talk about it. I mean, it wasn't an option. Abstinence until marriage is..." he paused, suddenly coming to a realization.  "Abstinence is all I ever heard about.  And how sex was risky and... _dirty_ and only for procreation... and it was something I should wait to give my..." he chuckled bitterly. " _Wife_."

Dr. Mitchell smiled, "You think that might have a little something to do with it?"

"Yeah," Cas said, scratching anxiously at his jaw.  "Yeah, probably.  No, I'm sure it does."

The doctor made a few more notes on her pad.  "So you've been dating for about a month now.  Has this come up in conversation with Dean?"

Cas ducked his head and took a deep breath.  He was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all this frank sex talk.

"I know this is hard for you," Dr. Mitchell said softly. "We're almost done, I promise."

"Yeah.  Kind of. He's been really patient. I mean, he gives me a little nudge outside of my comfort zone sometimes, but in a good way."

"Oh?  Does he ever push you further than you want to go?"

"No.  No, not at all.  I _want_ to do things.  I'm just a little nervous. I would say no if I didn't want to."

"Good.  Just making sure. Well, I generally don't focus on relationships, but clearly you have a bit of a mental roadblock when it comes to sex.  I can refer you to a colleague of mine if you'd like some more in-depth relationship counseling.  But I think you have a pretty good grasp of what you want and need.  Your partner seems incredibly attentive and patient, so just keep the conversation going.  Be honest.  Tell him what you need, and be vocal about what you're not ready for.  And remember, sex is a totally normal, natural thing.  You're not dirty or bad for having it.  Just be safe.  A good way to feel more comfortable is to experiment with yourself. I assume you masturbate?"

"What?" Cas choked.  "Um.  Sometimes. Not too often."

"Do you feel dirty or guilty when you do?"

"Yeah," Cas sighed.  "That was 'dirty' and 'sinful' too. I mean, I don't _really_ believe that now.  But I guess part of it stays with you."

She nodded sympathetically.  "It's hard to overcome that programming, especially when it's drilled into you at such a young age.  But there's no shame in exploring your own body.  In fact, I highly recommend it," she laughed.  "You _should_ explore.  Touch. Try something new. Try a toy.  Sleep naked. You need to be comfortable with your own body first before you'll be comfortable with it around anyone else, you know?"

"Yeah.  That makes sense," Cas muttered, feeling a bit hot and flushed at this all-new level of embarrassment.

"It's actually very common among people with your type of upbringing. I'm going to send you home with some homework.  A book on purity culture.  Now, admittedly, a lot of it pertains to women, but there are a few chapters I want you to read.  I'm also going to give you a list of websites for people coping with sexuality and religion.  There's one there called the No Shame Movement that I want you to check out."

"Okay," Cas agreed.

"Alright.  We're done talking about sex, I promise," Dr. Mitchell laughed.  "So give me your final thoughts. You're feeling a bit better overall?"

"I think so," Cas nodded.  "A little less anxious.  Not so numb."

"Good.  I think we'll up your SSRI dosage just once more and see how that goes, okay?  You still have your panic pills if you need them.  If you have any problems, if you start feeling worse, call the office and I'll call you back ASAP, alright?"

"Sure."

"Good," she smiled as the bell on her desk rang.  "See you back in two weeks unless you need me sooner, okay?"

Cas gathered his prescription and his homework and stepped back into the lobby where Gabriel was waiting for him.  He had planned on going alone today, but his brother insisted on taking him to his appointment as usual. Gabe was such a damn mother hen when he was sick.

"Everything alright?" Gabe asked quietly as they walked to his car.

"Yeah," Cas sighed.  "You know how it is.  I'm always emotionally drained after therapy.  She gave me homework this time," he said, scowling as he climbed into the passenger seat.

"Oh yeah?  Well, no dessert tonight until you finish your homework," Gabe teased.

Cas just rolled his eyes.

"Purity Culture..." Gabriel read, frowning as he stole a look at the book on Cas's lap.  "Why would she make you read that?"

"Gabe!" 

"I'm sorry!"  He was silent for a few moments as he started the car and turned it onto the main road.  "You and Dean still haven't...?"

"No!" Cas blurted.  "No, not quite."

"Huh... you know, I get it.  All that abstinence bullshit fucks up a lot of people. Fucked me up for a while too.  There's a lot of pressure being a preacher's kid."

Cas snorted.  "Well, you certainly got over it. Man-whore."

"Yeah," Gabriel grinned.  "I was always a bit of a rebel. Look, I know it's hard, but if you want to talk about it... "

"Oh god no," Cas groaned.  "I already feel like such a loser."

Gabriel smiled softly as he turned the car into their driveway.  "You're not a loser.  Look, sex is totally natural.  Nothing to be ashamed of. You'll be fine."

"No, no," Cas interrupted.  "You don't understand.  I'm pretty sure Dr. Mitchell basically told me I need to masturbate more."

"What?"

"I mean, not in those words, obviously, but something about exploring and getting comfortable with my own body... So fucking embarrassing."

Gabriel shrugged.  "You just got permission to lie in bed and jerk off.  Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  You coming upstairs, or do you want to start on your... _homework_?" he chortled.

Cas rolled his eyes.  "I think I'm going to nap for a bit.  I didn't sleep well again."

"Well come on up.  I'm making dinner tonight.  You can nap in my bed or on the couch.  I brought your favorite chocolate-peanut butter cupcakes home from work," he bargained.

"Alright," Cas agreed, knowing full-well that when Gabe was in his protective big brother mode, there was no use resisting.  Somewhat reluctantly, he followed him up the stairs.

"So how's Dr. Mitchell?  Still hot?" Gabe asked mischievously as he opened the door.

Cas cringed.  "Seriously?  Fuck you."  He gave his brother a firm punch on the arm.

Gabriel burst into hysterical laughter.  "I'm sorry! You know I wouldn't date her because she's your doctor, but she's still hot."

"Oh god, I hate you," Cas muttered. "She's like a... I don't know.  A mother-figure to me."

Gabe shrugged.  "Hey, sometimes I'm into MILFs."

Cas shot him a withering look.  "You're gross.  I'm going to bed."

Gabriel just howled with laughter.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It was several hours later when Cas finally stirred, and he groggily glanced at the alarm clock by Gabe's bed. _Shit, he hadn't meant to sleep this long._  The smell of Gabriel's famous stuffed peppers hung heavy in the air and he had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that he was starving. He padded barefoot to the kitchen, following his nose to the smell of food.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty is finally awake!" Gabriel announced.  "I didn't think you'd ever wake up.  I went to the store and back, cleaned the house, made dinner..."

"Yeah," Cas said, rubbing tiredly at his face.  "I didn't plan on sleeping so long.  You could have yelled at me."

"Nah. You must have needed the rest."

Cas slumped down into the nearest dining chair and took a long, deep whiff.  "That smells good.  Thanks for dinner.  Again."

"No worries. I gotta eat anyway. I was short on rice, so I went to borrow some from you... Why didn't you tell me you were so low on groceries?"

Cas shrugged.  "I don't know," he sighed.  "You already do too much for me. My disability insurance should kick in next week, so I'll have a bit of money then."

"Cassie," Gabe frowned.  "You can't just starve."

"Psshh.  I'm hardly starving with you force-feeding me dinner and dessert and sending me home with leftovers every night."

Gabe smiled softly. "I suppose.  I stocked your fridge and cupboards a bit anyway. Mostly easy to grab, very little prep stuff.  Granola bars, canned soups, some fruit..."

"Thanks, Gabe," Cas said sheepishly. "I don't know how I'd be surviving right now without you.  I owe you."

"No you don't. You'd do the same for me.  But you can set the table and get us some drinks if you insist on doing something," he smirked.

Cas rolled his eyes and grinned. Gabe had been giving him tiny tasks to do when he came over lately. He didn't mind, of course, but he knew it was his brother's little way of making him feel useful when he was feeling like shit.  To be honest, it usually worked.

"You know, you should have invited Dean over for dinner," Gabriel said casually. "I'd like to get to know him a little better. He seems like a decent guy, I guess."

"You guess?" Cas asked, digging in the cupboard for some plates.

"Well I don't really _know_ him, obviously, but it sounds like he's been good to you. I mean, I know it's probably just because I've threatened him a few times, but..."

Cas tried, unsuccessfully, to hold back his laughter.  "Yeah. You're _so_ threatening.  Like a yappy chihuahua."

"Hey.  Chihuahuas bite more people each year than any other dog," Gabriel protested.  "I may be small, but I'm scrappy."

"Uh huh."

"Oh fuck off.   _Anyway_ ," he drawled, "Pick a day and invite him for dinner. Just let me know when."

"Okay," Cas agreed, sliding back down in his chair.

"So, where's he at anyway? What's he doing tonight?"

"He and his brother were going to dinner."

Gabe nodded.  "That's nice.  Is he close to his family?"

"Yeah.  Well, close to his brother, anyway.  He raised his brother when their parents died too," Cas said. "So you have that in common.  They live practically across the street from each other now."

"Huh," Gabriel huffed.  "Well that's cool, I guess.  Have you met his brother?"

"Not yet.  Maybe this weekend."

Gabriel nodded as he set a hot pad on the table and returned with the pan of peppers.

"Like I said, I guess he's alright. He's apparently not pushing you too hard on the sex-thing, so that's nice."

Cas clapped a hand over his eyes in embarrassment.  "Ugh, I knew you'd bring that up again."

"I'm sorry!  I'm just glad that he's not pressuring you, that's all. At least, I assume, since you haven't done it yet."

Cas sighed.  "No, he's not pressuring me. He's been really understanding, actually.  I mean, he gives me a little push sometimes but in a good way. And never too much.  He's..." he sighed. "He's been really good to me. And this has all been good _for_ me."

Gabriel smiled and stared pensively at him for a few minutes, long enough that Cas couldn't help but fidget in his seat.  "I'm glad, Cassie," he finally said.  "You deserve that.  Now, let's eat.  And afterwards, go visit your cat.  She was starved for attention when I went down there, which is funny, because usually she doesn't give a shit."

"Really?  Guess I've been out more than usual lately."

"I'm not complaining.  It's good that he gets you out of the house."  He grabbed Cas's plate and heaped it high with white rice and stuffed peppers then handed it back. 

Cas nodded.  "Thanks.  I know.  Even when I want to stay in bed, he makes me get up" he grumbled.  "He's just like you in that way."

"Hrrmph.  Okay, okay.  Stop talking.  You _know_ I don't want to like the handsome bastard."

Cas grinned and started on his dinner.

::::::::::::::::::::

"Alright, cat," Cas said as he opened the door to his apartment.  He walked to the kitchen to refrigerate his leftovers like usual, and nearly tripped as Scout began winding herself around his legs.

"I know, I know," he said to the meowing ball of fluff.  "I guess I _haven't_ been home as much lately. You're never this needy." He bent to scoop her up and headed off to his bedroom.  "You can hang out with me while I read, okay?" he murmured.  Scout rubbed her head against his arm and purred her approval.

He had just set the cat on the bed, and had begun changing into some comfy sleep clothes when he noticed the brown paper bag with a Post-it next to his pillow.  Frowning, he sat down, yanking the yellow sticky note from the package and reading it.

_I'm not being a smartass.  Not pushing you either.  Just sayin' be safe when you do, alright?  I know your money is tight and figured you might need guy stuff. - G._

Cas closed his eyes for a second and shook his head, already feeling the blood drain from his face.  He knew what was coming. Sure enough, he reached into the bag and pulled out a forty-count variety pack of condoms.

"Thanks, Gabe," he muttered, embarrassed, but also slightly relieved that he wouldn't have to eventually go into a store to buy them... For a long time.  Still, there was more in the bag, so he pulled out the next, much heavier item: An embarrassingly big bottle of lube with a pump on top.

"Oh my god," Cas murmured.  "How do you even hide a bottle this big?" There was no being discreet about this.  Sure, he'd seen the same bottle on Gabe's nightstand, but Cas wasn't as keen on keeping an econo-size bottle of lube on permanent display.  He chuckled nervously at his brother's ridiculous purchase, shaking his head.  He picked up the bag to toss it, but realized there was another lightweight box in the bottom.  Curiously, he fished it out and stared at the package.

"What the hell?" he blurted, thinking for a moment that perhaps Gabriel had left this by accident.  An enema bulb?  That was an embarrassing thing to accidentally leave. What the hell would you even _use_ this for?  ... _Oh_.

"Oh my god," Cas yelped, throwing down the box. _Ohh._ Of course he'd thought about the... well,  _cleanliness_ of sex _,_  and it gave him a bit of anxiety.   It certainly didn't help when he already felt a bit dirty, but he'd never even _considered_ this.   _Is this what people do before...?   How do you...?_   _Is this...?_   _Ugh_.  How the hell did Gabe know about this stuff anyway?

Actually, his brother might be straight, but he had always been pretty open about being 'down for whatever'.   _Eww_.  Cas cringed and set the box on his nightstand next to the condoms and the thirty-two ounce monster bottle of lube.

"Fuck, Scout," he murmured, crashing down on his bed.  "I am so damn naïve."  He arranged his pillows and picked up the book next to his bed, opening it to his bookmark.  Part of him knew he should be reading the book Dr. Mitchell gave him, but he was a little overwhelmed after Gabe's 'gift', so instead, he decided to indulge in some fluff reading.  "Come on," he said softly, patting the bed next to him.  Scout took her time strolling over to him, then kneaded the bed a few times before curling up at his side, and he gently ruffled her fur.  He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath before picking up the book again. 

Since they had both bonded over Star Trek, Dean had recently loaned him his copy of 'Redshirts' by John Scalzi, and so far, Cas was really enjoying it.  Last night, he was laughing so hard he could barely breathe, but after reading the same paragraph three times tonight, he finally gave up.   He closed his eyes and sighed, restlessly tapping his foot on the bed.     
  
Since he had napped at Gabe's place, he wasn't really tired, but he didn't know what else to do with himself.  He didn't have the energy to _do_ anything either.  Besides, his mind was still going a mile a minute. He glanced over at his nightstand, wrinkling his nose at the offensive box.   _Why the hell couldn't he stop thinking about it?_ He tentatively picked it up again and stared.   
  
_Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to at least read the instructions..._


	10. Chapter 10

It didn't matter how many times Dean had lived it, winter in New York still held a certain charm - the crisp, clean smell of freshly fallen snow on the pavement, holiday decorations in every storefront window display, a bell-ringing Santa on every corner, and best of all, the Rockefeller Christmas tree overlooking the quaint skating rink.

Despite the holiday cheer and his usual sense of nostalgia, Dean was feeling shitty today.  His plans to meet up with Cas and Sam for lunch were cancelled when he was called into work early for an emergency with the sound equipment.  He felt awful breaking plans today, especially since Cas seemed to be having a bad anxiety day.

Cas would be fine; he knew that.  It wasn't an emergency, and he said he'd probably spend the day at Gabe's place, so at least he wouldn't be alone.  Still, he felt awful for leaving, and it didn't really put him in a 'party' mood.

He'd quickly fixed the sound issue this afternoon, and now he had time to spare, which is how he ended up here, watching the skaters on the ice rink below.  

It had been many years since Dean laced up a pair of skates, but he used to be pretty damn good at skating. Now he wondered if he even remembered  _how_. When he and Sam were young, Mom used to take them ice skating at the local indoor rink every Sunday afternoon. Young Dean even took skating lessons and wound up playing in a peewee hockey league for a few years.  All throughout her illness, Mom still managed to take him to hockey practice twice a week after school, and each time, they'd stop at this little diner on the way home where Mom would get coffee, Dean would get milk, and they'd both share a piece of blueberry pie.  It was their little secret ritual, and even now, Dean still couldn't resist a good slice of pie.  

For a brief second, he considered going down there to rent a pair of skates, but thought better of it.  He really didn't have time to be messing around today. Besides, he thought, he should wait and bring Cas here anyway.  If nothing else, he needed to see the Rockefeller tree lit up at night.

Digging in his pocket for his phone, Dean checked the time and decided to give Cas a quick call before he headed back to the club.

_Two rings. Three rings. Four._ He nearly hung up before he heard clicking and fumbling on the other end.

"Hello?"  An unfamiliar voice answered, and Dean frowned in confusion.

"Hi.  Uhhh.  Is Cas there?"

"Hey Dean, it's Gabriel. Cas is sleeping. He was hoping you'd call though.  I'll wake him for you."

"Oh. Hi Gabriel.  No, no. Don't wake him up. Nothing important. I just called to talk."

"Okay.  Sorry you just missed him.  It's probably better that I let him sleep, honestly. He just had an hour-long panic attack."

"Aw shit. That sucks," Dean sighed.   _Dammit, he knew Cas wasn't feeling right earlier._ "He's okay now?"

"Yeah, yeah.  He's fine. He just feels exhausted afterwards.  I made him go lie down and he was out like a light.  I'll let him know you called though."

"Thanks. I'll text him in a bit.  Thanks for looking after him."

Gabriel snorted.  "Been doing it all my life.  Hey, did Cassie mention anything to you about dinner this week?"

"Um. He told me to pick a day.  What's good for you?"

"How about Thursday?"

"Thursday's good, if you're sure. Thanks.  Can I bring anything?"

"Nah. Just yourself. Alright, I'll let Cas know you called and we'll see you then."

"Thanks, Gabriel."

Dean hung up the phone and glumly shoved it back in his pocket, then began the short trip back to the club.

:::::::::::::::::::

"Ambrooooose!"  a familiar voice called out.  

"Dammit," Dean muttered.  It never failed.  Anytime he set up some music to auto-play so that he could take a quick bathroom break, someone had to talk to him.  He plastered a smile on his face anyway as he glanced up. Strolling toward the booth was a tall, scruffy-looking  man dressed from head to toe in black.

"Nate!" Dean exclaimed, recognizing the familiar face.  "How've you been, man?" he asked, greeting him with the standard handshake-turned-man-hug.  

"Good, good.  Great set tonight!  Hey, I won't keep you, since I know you're headed on break, but give me a call later so we can catch up," Nate said.  "It's been too long."

Dean nodded.  "Yeah it has."  He hadn't seen Nate Cardlin in months, despite the fact that he still counted him among one of his best friends.  Nate had been deejaying this scene even longer than Dean had, and frankly, Dean still considered him a mentor of sorts. Much of what he'd learned in the early days was due to Nate's patient teaching, and though Dean had become more successful, he knew Nate was far more skilled that he would probably ever be. "Hey, do you have any Saturdays off soon?" he asked.  "You should come do a guest set."

Nate frowned as he considered his schedule.  "Not much. I've got a gig at this place in the Village a few weekends a month.  I'm off Saturday, but I think I'm booked the next three or four weeks after that."

"You wanna do next Saturday ?"

"Sure, man. Yeah, it'll be cool. I have some stuff to show you anyway."

Dean grinned.  "Awesome.  Alright, I'll call you with details later."  With a final handshake, he hurried off to the bathroom for a quick break before the music could end.

From the slightly quieter bathroom, he once again pulled out his phone and dialed Cas's number, hoping he wasn't sleeping again.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart," Dean purred. "I missed you earlier.  I heard you had a panic attack.  Are you okay now?"

"Oh," Cas muttered.  "Yeah.  I'm okay.  Thanks. Wow, it's loud there.  I guess you're still at the club?"

"Mmmhmm.  Hiding out in the bathroom for a minute so I can call you. I'm so sorry we didn't get to hang out earlier.  I feel so bad."

Cas shrugged.  "It's okay. I've been having kind of an off day anyway.  Tired, anxious. I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's just the medication increase messing with me. I'm sure it'll even out soon.  I guess you got the sound issue fixed?"

"Oh.  Yeah. Pssh. It took like fifteen minutes.  Kind of pissed me off, because our sound guy should have caught it to begin with.  Oh well.  Hey, here's something random:  Have you ever been ice skating?"

"Uh," Cas fumbled.  "I've always been kind of afraid to, so no."

Dean wrinkled his brow as he flattened his sweaty hair down in the mirror's reflection.  "Would you go if I tried to teach you?"

He heard Cas draw a sharp breath and sigh.  "Umm.  I don't know. Maybe?"

_Well, a maybe was better than a 'no'._ "You don't need to decide right this minute," Dean laughed. "I was just thinking about it as I went past the skating rink earlier.  I was also thinking... I want to see you.  Like _right now_."

Cas smiled.  "Well that would be nice, but I guess we have to wait until at least tomorrow."

"What if I drove home tonight?  Would you leave the door unlocked for me so I could crawl in bed with you?"  Dean asked slyly.

"Oh!" Cas giggled softly.  "Um. I could do that..."

Dean grinned.  "Good.  I probably won't get in until a little after four though..."

"That's okay."

"Yeah?  Alright. I gotta run. Save room in your bed for me."

"I will," Cas smiled, chewing shyly on his bottom lip, the way he always did when he was excited.

Dean chuckled, hearing that little huff and smile through the phone.  "See you soon."

"Bye, Dean."

Dean pressed the'end' button, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he pocketed his phone. _He was grinning like a damn lunatic._ He quickly sobered, shaking his head at the love-struck idiot staring back at him. _What the hell are you doing to me, Cas?_

He'd never been in a relationship for this long without having sex, but it was _almost_ as if all this closeness and trust-building was making their relationship stronger. _Go figure_ , he scoffed to himself.  It wasn't easy, or course; he had his moments where he was pretty sure he might _actually_ explode.  Regardless, it was a slow, delicious torture, and seeing Cas grow stronger and braver every day was well worth the wait.

He hurried back to his booth, nodded a thank you to security for watching his equipment, and jumped right back into mixing.

Talking to Cas put him in a much better mood, and the next two hours flew by in a blur of pulsating music, bright lights, cheers, and glow sticks.  As the crowd slowly started to thin and disperse, Dean took his headphones off, wiping tiredly at his sweaty brow.  When he started this, he never would have thought making music could be physically demanding, but when he was in the zone, he never stopped moving.

Usually he stuck around for another hour or so, chatting to everyone who stopped him, but tonight he just wanted to get out of there.  Alas, he couldn't be rude to people who took the time to complement him, so he patiently thanked, and fist-bumped, and hugged, and bro hugged everyone that stopped to talk as he loaded up his equipment.  After placating the usual slew of girls competing for his attention, and gently turning down the one who gave him her hotel room number, he hurried back to the van and started the long drive home.

He'd never been so anxious to get off the damn road when he pulled into Cas's driveway, and perhaps not surprisingly, he'd made it home in record time.  Right now, all he could think about was stripping down to his boxers, crawling into bed with Cas...and maybe making out a little.

As soon as he opened his door, however, he nearly fell out of the driver's seat as a snarky voice called out to him.

"Late night booty call?"  Gabriel was leaning on his car with his arms folded, leering expectantly at him.

"Oh!  Wha... Um, no, I um, just got back and told Cas I'd drop by..." Dean collected himself and stepped out of the vehicle, nervously rubbing the back of his neck.  He was trying desperately not to avert his guilty eyes.

"Calm down," Gabriel laughed. "As long as you're good to him, I don't care what you do."

Dean chuckled nervously.  "Why are you awake? And _outside_ at three thirty in the morning?"

"I was just headed to work when you pulled in.  Figured I'd harass you first," he grinned, green eyes sparkling in the moonlight. "Alright, I gotta go.  The doughnuts won't make themselves. See you for dinner Thursday, yeah?"

Dean nodded sheepishly.

"Cool.  Later, Romeo," Gabe said as he opened his car door and slipped inside.

Dean gave a little wave as he watched Gabriel drive away.  He'd never understand why that tiny little man intimidated him so much.   _Maybe because he really liked Cas and felt like he really needed Gabe's approval?_  He shook his head again. _Well, that was pathetic._ He didn't think too long about it, because he really just wanted to crawl in bed already.

Quietly, he opened the front door, and then the door to Cas's apartment, locking them behind him.  He didn't want to startle Cas, so he called gently as he walked down the hallway.

"Cas?"

The bedroom door was open, and a floor lamp in the corner had been left on, and Dean could hear faint snoring as he quietly stepped into the room. Cas was in bed, curled up on his side with a book in hand, as if he had tried to wait up but failed. The blankets were only drawn up to his waist, and much to Dean's surprise, he was shirtless.

He smiled wistfully, once again proud of how far Cas had come in a relatively short time. Certainly his meds were helping, but it was also Cas's determination to do the things he wanted to do, anxiety be damned.

He kicked his shoes off and shed his shirt, jeans, and socks, then clicked off the lamp before carefully crawling under the blanket and wrapping an arm around Cas's waist.

"Shhh.  It's just me, sweetheart," he whispered as Cas startled, giving him a soft kiss on his shoulder.

"Mmm.  Hi, Dean," Cas sighed happily.  He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and rolled onto his back to give him a sleepy smile.  "I tried to wait up for you, but I guess I fell asleep.  The one night I actually _wanted_ to stay up, and I crashed early," he laughed, shaking his head.

"It's okay. You can go back to sleep."

"Uh uh.  I wanna see you," he yawned as he snuggled into Dean's chest.

Dean just chuckled.  "Well, I figured we could spend the day together, so you'll see me all day."

"Mmm," Cas sighed.  "Sounds good to me.

"You're extra cute when you're sleepy, you know," Dean said, nuzzling his hair. "And shirtless tonight?"

Cas looked up at his, eyes dull and tired as he blinked a few times. "Yeah," he nodded sheepishly.  "This is how I normally sleep when I'm alone. In just my boxers."

Dean couldn't help but smile.  "I love that you're feeling braver lately."

"Me too... I don't know why I get so worked up over little things.  Dunno why you put up with me either," he yawned.

"Oh, don't start that," Dean warned. "You know I'm not just putting up with you."

Cas smiled softly.  "Okay. I really can't believe you've waited this long though."

"What?"

"You know.   _Sex_."

"Oh," Dean gasped awkwardly. He took a minute to regain his composure. "Well I won't say it hasn't been _hard_ sometimes," he snickered, causing Cas to burst out laughing. "But I'm fine. Hell, I'm into edging anyway," he winked.  "When you feel comfortable, we'll get to the sex-thing."

"Edging?"

Dean snorted. "I was teasing.  But it's when you think you're going to cum, so you stop and see how long you can prolong it... Uh, anyway."

Cas grinned, touching a hand to his face. "I have so much to learn..."

" _Anyway_ ," Dean continued, "If we're going to do it, you're going to have to make the first move."

"Wh-what?  Why?" Cas stammered.  He was certainly not _that_ brave.

Dean shrugged nonchalantly. "I might nudge you a _little_ here and there, but I'm not going to coax you into anything you're not ready for.  So if you want to, you need to tell me."

Cas swallowed hard. "But I... I'm not that bold, Dean."

"You will be. When you're ready. Don't worry about it right now," he said, pulling Cas in a little tighter. "Right now, you should just kiss me."

"Mmm. I can do that." Cas grinned and raised his chin to mash his lips roughly against Dean's.  What started as a few innocent pecks slowly turned into long, deep kisses, and within seconds, Cas was squirming and shamelessly rutting against him again.

"Baby?" Dean whispered, pulling back for just a moment.

"Hmm?"

"Can I suck your cock?" Dean whispered as his teeth tugged playfully at Cas's bottom lip.

"Ohhh," Cas gasped. "Y-Yes.  Please."

"Good boy.  Shorts off," Dean commanded.

He watched in awe as Cas, without hesitation, inched his shorts off and tossed them onto the floor.   "Wow," he breathed. "Little excited tonight?"

Cas nodded shyly.

"Good.  Spread your legs for me," Dean whispered, parting Cas's knees and settling between them.  "Beautiful," he breathed as he caressed Cas's bare torso, noting the slight pink blush creeping over him.  "You okay?" he asked softly.

"Y-Yes," Cas stuttered.

"You can tell me to stop," Dean reminded him.

"D-Don't want you to," Cas panted.

Dean smiled gently and wrapped a hand around Cas's painfully erect cock, watching as his eyes immediately closed and his hips jutted forward in response. "That's it, baby," he whispered.  "Just relax and let me take care of you." He worked his fist up and down the length of the shaft for a minute before leaning in and closing his lips over the reddened head.

"Oh my god." Cas made a strangled gasp as Dean gently began sucking and bucked his hips forward again.

Dean chuckled and choked at the same time at Cas's inexperienced enthusiasm, and he pressed a hand firmly against his lower stomach to prevent him from moving his hips.  He smirked at the high-pitched little whimpers coming from Cas's throat, feeling pretty damn good about himself, knowing that he could coax those debauched noises from his usually gravel-voiced boyfriend on command.

To be honest, Dean didn't suck dick often; frankly, he tended to date more women than men, but when he did, he really threw himself into his work; Dipping up and down, head bobbing hungrily, swirling his tongue around the head as Cas slowly began to fall apart.

Grunting and growling each time Cas moaned, he sped up, working him faster with both his fist and his mouth, making Cas's entire body jerk and thrash as his hands desperately gripped the sheets.

Cas made a sobbing noise as he drew closer to climax, and Dean paused for a second to make sure he was okay, but his head was firmly guided back to Cas's cock.

"Don't stop," Cas hissed.

Dean almost laughed out loud at the uncharacteristic gesture, but Cas was so close now all he could think about was seeing him lose control.  He growled again and doubled down, working him faster and harder until Cas suddenly yelled his name.

"Dean!  I'm gonna...Fuck!"

Dean sucked harder, glancing up in time to see Cas's jaw drop as he realized Dean was about to swallow.

"Don't swa... Oh! Oh! Oh my god! Fuck! Yes! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Dean!" Cas sobbed as he came hard, right into Dean's hot, eager mouth.

"D... Dean," he whimpered, still thrashing on the bed as Dean pulled back."Come here," he whimpered, reaching out for him.

"Shhh.  You did good, baby," he whispered, giving his spent cock a little kiss before moving back up next to him and wrapping his still-trembling body in his arms. "Hey.  Why are you crying?" he suddenly asked in panic. "Oh fuck, did I go too far...?"

"No!" Cas yelped.  "That was amazing.  I'm just overwhelmed.  That was..." He paused and took a long, shaky breath. "A lot of emotion and physical closeness and... Ohhh. Orgasm," he panted. "I think I shoved your head back onto my... Oh god," he blushed.

Dean grinned.  "I _told_ you.  When you're ready, you'll be brave enough to tell me what you want..."

Cas whimpered again as Dean stroked his hair, whispering little words of praise in his ear.

"You did so good. Thank you for giving yourself over to me tonight.  And for being assertive, telling me what you need... That was so incredibly sexy..."

"Dean," Cas protested, covering his face shyly again.

"Whaaat?" Dean grinned. "I can't give my baby a little praise when he's been a good boy?"

Cas licked his lips subconsciously, and Dean chuckled.

"I see that, you know.  You get off on being told you're good," Dean grinned.  "Baby has a little praise kink."

"What?  I do not!"

"You do.  It's adorable."

"Hmmph," Cas huffed.

Dean laughed and smothered his face with kisses until Cas finally couldn't help but giggle.

"I can't believe you swallowed that!" Cas suddenly blurted, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"What?  Oh the... Why not?"

"It's so... _dirty_!" he sighed.  Immediately, he regretted his choice of words.   _Not dirty.  Not bad. Totally normal, he reminded himself._

"Dirty?" Dean snorted.  "Sweetheart, I _am_ dirty.  But what's wrong with swallowing?"

"I... don't know..."

Dean shrugged.  "It turned you on, didn't it?"

Cas cringed.  "Yeah. A lot. Why did _that_ turn me on so much?"

"Why wouldn't it?" Dean rolled over onto his back and pulled Cas into his side. "Someone so horny and hungry for you they want to taste you? _All_ of you? Totally hot."

"Yeah..." Cas sighed.  "It _was_... I have issues.  Oh! I should um.  Reciprocate!"

Dean laughed.  "Not tonight." He had pretty much calmed down by now anyway. "One thing at a time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sweetheart.  Get some rest."

Cas sighed. "I _am_ tired... But you need some too, Dean. It's not fair that you..."

"Shhh.  No, no. It's not about what's 'fair'. I did it because I wanted to. You don't _owe_ me, Cas."

Cas took a long, deep breath. "I know. I'm sorry I'm so bad at this."

"You're not bad at anything. You're just new to it. And you're doing fine. When I came in here and saw you sleeping in just your boxers, I was _so_ proud of you. The way you're getting more comfortable and opening up more... And the way you ripped your shorts off when I asked if I could suck your cock... Mmmm," he hummed.

Cas simpered shyly as he covered his face.  "I was excited..."

"I _know_ ," Dean smiled. "I liked it. You're _allowed_ to be excited."

"I'm _always_ excited around you... Just a little nervous about certain things..."

"It's okay," Dean whispered as he kissed Cas's forehead, "you're getting so much better."

Cas sighed.  "You're too good to me..." He paused for a moment, pensively considering whether or not he should say what he was thinking.  "My therapist thinks a lot of my issues stem from religious guilt," he sighed.

"Oh?" Dean frowned and pulled back for a second, tilting Cas's face towards his.  "What do you mean?"

Cas took another shaky breath.  "I guess I haven't mentioned... My parents were super religious.  Almost fanatically so.  Dad was an Evangelical preacher, mom the typical preacher's wife.  Hell, they named my brother and me after archangels," he chuckled.

Dean wrinkled his brow as he tried to think.  "Wait.  What?  Cas..."

"Castiel," Cas blushed.  "My full name is Castiel.  After the angel Cassiel, I guess. Ironically, I think they got it a bit wrong," he smiled.  "I shouldn't complain.  My parents were great, but they were... strict.  I guess I always have this little nagging thought in the back of my head that sex is dirty and wrong and.. ugh.  I mean, masturbating was sinful, sex was sinful.  Sex was between a man and a woman, of course, and for procreation only.  I don't _really_ believe any of that, of course.  But I guess there's still some weird guilt there.  Gabe told me they were anti-birth control too, and the only reason they didn't have a dozen kids is because mom had some medical issues."  He paused, suddenly embarrassed that he was spilling all of this information.  "I guess, in a way, it's good they never knew I was into guys because I would have been disowned for sure.  You know, being gay was a sin too..."

Dean lay there for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. "Jesus, Cas. Why haven't you told me this before?"

Cas shrugged.  "Embarrassed, I guess.  I mean, that was a long time ago.  I'm not really religious now, and I know I shouldn't be ashamed for being human. I know these are totally normal, human urges... But sometimes those little, nagging thoughts still get through, I guess."

" _That's_ why you have the praise kink," Dean mused.

"What?"

"You like being told that you're good... Maybe because you feel guilty and need that validation."

Cas frowned, silently mulling this over.  "Oh my god.  I am so fucked up."

Dean laughed and ruffled his hair as Cas continued looking mortified.  "Not fucked up.  Just learning how to live life on your own terms. No more guilt. You'll get it.  And until then, I'll be here to give you all the validation you need."

Cas smiled and gently kissed his collarbone. "Thank you."

"Must have been really difficult, growing up like that..." Dean mused.  "Fuck, when I hit twelve, I swear I locked myself in my bedroom and jerked off every damn day," he laughed. "My dad gave me 'the talk', but they were really open and realistic about sex-stuff.  I'm sure they knew what I was doing in there, but they gave me space."

Cas laughed.  "Must be nice.  Gabe and I weren't even allowed to have bedroom doors. Zero privacy, except in the bathroom. Poor Gabe when he started dating..."

"God, that's strict. How did you survive puberty?" he asked wryly.

"Uh. Showers," Cas laughed. "But honestly, even when I did, the guilt was so bad, I couldn't fully enjoy it. I remember crying a lot afterwards... and praying that I wouldn't go to Hell."

Dean took a deep breath, tears stinging at his eyes.  Just talking about this made Cas look younger and scared and vulnerable, and god, did he fucking hate that.    
  
"I hate that you had to go through that," he finally said.  "Sex should be _fun_. Hell, at the very least, _masturbating_ should be fun!  I'm sorry you were made to feel guilty about it. Do you still feel guilty when you jerk off now?"

Cas shrugged.  "I don't do it that often. But yeah.  Sometimes, I guess."

"Don't do it that often?  Seriously?" Dean asked.

"Uh... Maybe once every month or two."

" _Once every month or two?_ " Dean exclaimed. "Ohhh, sweetheart..."

Cas blushed and rolled his eyes. "You sound like my brother. Pretty sure he's on Team Get Cas Laid..."

Dean smiled.  "I'm on Team Get Cas Pleasuring Himself, at least!  I'm going to buy you some lube and we'll practice together on the phone every night," he winked.

"Oh!" Cas blushed. "Okay. But I don't need lube..." he giggled.

"What?"

Cas tittered and pointed to his nightstand at a tall object draped with a clean t-shirt 

Questioningly, Dean picked up the grey tee to reveal the giant bottle of lube and immediately burst out laughing.  "Oh my god sweetheart, are you stocking up for the apocalypse or a really big orgy?"

Cas covered his face, still laughing.  "I know!  Gabe bought it."

" _Gabe_ bought you lube?" Dean said, still doubled over with laughter.  "Oh god, you poor thing."

"I knooow," Cas giggled.  "I told you, I think he's really concerned that I... have issues."

"Well," Dean said as he finally caught his breath, "I think it's great that you guys are so close. I bought Sammy his first condoms and he's still never forgiven me for the embarrassment."

Cas grinned and yawned at the same time. "We don't usually talk about it.  It's just that he saw some stuff my therapist sent home and it kind of came up... Of course, then he came home with enough lube and condoms for an army."

"Well," Dean teased, "at least you'll be prepared."

Cas nodded sleepily as he burrowed deeper into Dean's embrace.  "Thanks for coming tonight, Dean," he murmured.  "It was a rough day. I needed this.  I needed _you_."

"Well," Dean said softly. "That's why I came.  I needed you too. Hey, it's already light outside, and you look exhausted.  Why don't we get some sleep, okay?" He nuzzled against him, breathing in the clean smell of Cas's shampoo mixed with the cologne that drove him so crazy, and he kissed his forehead again.

"Okay," Cas murmured, already in the process of nodding off. "Night, De... Deeean."

"Night Cas," Dean smiled. 

"I love you."

Dean paused, not quite sure if he'd heard that sleepy, garbled voice correctly. Cas's breathing was already deep and slow, and he was sure Cas was already asleep, but he whispered a reply into the darkness anyway.

"I love you too, Cas."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, all. I've had a lot going on lately and I haven't updated in a bit. I haven't even responded to comments on the last chapter yet. I suck. I'll get to that tomorrow. In the meantime, please know I appreciate them all. Perhaps I can make it up to you with a long, smutty chapter?

"Dean, you'll be fine."

Cas watched in amusement as Dean nervously fiddled with his tie for the tenth time this afternoon. They were at Dean's house today since he'd coaxed a depressed Cas out of the house at 3 a.m., insisting that getting out of bed and moving around a bit might help. So after a trip to an all-night diner for tea and coffee, they'd gone back to Dean's place, where, finally, Cas slept like a baby.

"It's just _Gabe_ ," Cas continued.  "And it's not like you haven't met him before. Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?"

Dean shrugged, re-buttoning his vest. Cas had told him he didn't need to dress up today, but he insisted on _at least_ wearing a nice shirt and tie.

"I don't know. This is the first time I'll actually be in a room with him for more than five minutes, you know?  His first impression of me wasn't exactly great..."

"Oh it's fine.  I told you, he likes you."

Dean scowled.  "I don't know.  He's always busting my ass."

"Pssh," Cas snickered.  "He does that to me too.  We pick on each other.  It's what we do!  It's how we 'show love; if you will," he grinned.  "I know he's a total pain in the ass, but if he's teasing you, he's okay with you. Trust me."

"Hmmph.  We'll see.  Hey, come downstairs and help me pick out a bottle of wine to bring."

Cas simpered to himself, completely entertained by Dean's atypical fumbling.  "You don't have to bring anything."

"Cas, please.  It'll make me feel better.  Help me?" Dean pleaded, the wry smile on his face only half sincere.

Cas stretched and stood up, lamenting having to leave his comfy spot on the bed. Dean's bed was so much more comfortable than his own, and best of all, it _smelled_ like Dean.  "Okay, okay.  But you know I know nothing about wine."

"Moral support then!" Dean teased.  "Come on."  Grabbing Cas's hand, he dragged him into the kitchen and opened the door to a small wine fridge."Do you know what he's cooking?" he asked.

"I have no idea.  Probably something Italian.  He usually does some sort of pasta when he has company.  He makes his own sauce, and it cooks all day, so the whole place smells amazing."

"Hmmm.  Oh, I have an excellent Chianti! That should be perfect, right?"

"Suuuure," Cas shrugged.

Dean chuckled and shot him a little wink. "I'll teach you a bit if you want. But right now, I guess we should head out," he said, his smile quickly turning to a grimace.

"Yeah," Cas agreed. "Oh, I have to grab something from my house first too."

"Oh?"

"I made dessert last night. Well, earlier. Before you came over.  I was feeling shitty so I forced myself to get up and do something."

"Yeah?  Good for you, sweetheart.  What did you make?"

"Blueberry pie.  It doesn't really go with Italian food, but it kept me busy."

Dean stopped in his tracks and squinted suspiciously at him.  "Did I ever tell you blueberry pie is one of my favorite things in the entire world?"

"No?  It is?"

Dean nodded. "It may be my absolute favorite thing, next to you, of course."

"Oh stop," Cas blushed. "I don't want to brag, but my pie is pretty phenomenal."

"I'll bet," Dean smirked, suggestively waggling an eyebrow.

Cas shook his head and grinned.  "You're awful.  Alright, let's get this over with. Your nervousness is making _me_ nervous."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Gabriel's house, predictably, smelled of fresh garlic, basil, and tomatoes as they walked in the door, and Dean quietly sighed in relief.

"The Chianti will be okay," he murmured.

Cas just smiled and led him into the kitchen.

"Hey, Gabe," he said casually as he opened the refrigerator and placed his pie on the top shelf. "We're here. Can I do anything?"

"Hey, Cassie.  Dean," he nodded. "Glad you could make it."

"Thanks for the invite. I uh, I brought wine," Dean said, awkwardly holding out the bottle in front of him.

Gabriel stopped stirring the pot on the stove and wiped his hands on a towel before reaching for the bottle. "Oh, thanks," he said cheerfully, eyeing up the label.  "You have good taste.  This will go great with dinner. Let's pop this open. You a wine guy?"

"Uh, yeah a little," Dean said.

"Cool.  Well have a seat. Dinner's ready." He motioned toward the table and picked up the wooden spoon again.  "Cassie, would you grab some glasses? And was that a pie you just put in my fridge?"

"Yeah.  Blueberry."  

Cas grabbed Dean's arm and guided him to one of the dining chairs, then retreated to the cupboard for some wine glasses before settling down next to him.

"So, Dean," Gabriel said as he set plates of spaghetti and meatballs down in front of him and Cas, "I've met you a few times, but I don't really know you." He turned around to grab his own plate and returned to the table. "You met Cas at the library, huh?"

"Um. Yeah. Y-Yes," Dean cleared his throat, stalling for a minute. "I stopped in for a book and I um, I noticed he looked sick or something..."

"I was having a bad panic attack. And he he brought me home," Cas reminded him.  Dean squeezed his knee thankfully and stuffed a forkful of meatball into his mouth in an attempt to collect himself.

"Ah yeah, I remember," Gabe said. "So that's it?" he laughed. "You met because of a panic attack?"

Dean tittered nervously. "Yeah.  At least they're good for something, I guess.  This is delicious, by the way.  The sauce is amazing," he said, twirling some spaghetti around his fork.

"Oh, thanks.  Here, have some garlic bread," Gabe said, passing a basket.  "You know, I feel like it's my brotherly duty to not like the guy my baby bro brings home.  Even if he _is_ twenty-five years old..."

"Gabe," Cas protested.

"I didn't finish!" Gabriel laughed. "I was going to say, you've been making it really hard to hate you, that's all."

"Oh," Dean flushed. "Thanks?"

Gabe chuckled again. "I just mean, Cas has said a lot of good things about you. No offense, but I thought you'd be a _total_ prick."

"Gabriel!" Cas yelled.

"Whaaat?" Gabriel's golden-green eyes sparkled mischievously. "He's a popular guy!  I've been to a few of your parties, you know," he said, turning back to Dean.

"You have?" Dean swallowed hard.

"Yeah.  You're really good, by the way. But you are _constantly_ in demand. I've seen girls _and_ guys just _swarming_ you, all wanting your attention.  I just kind of assumed that shit might go to your head."

"Oh," Dean said, looking rather embarrassed.  "Well, I've always been a social butterfly, I guess.  Most of the people there are regulars, so a lot of them have become friends.  They'll stop me for requests and just to talk I guess..." _Okay, so he'd had his share of casual hookups over the years, but he didn't need to mention that.  He hadn't even been tempted in months. All he could think about lately were deep blue eyes, tentative kisses, and nervous experimentation._

Gabe nodded and swallowed a bite of his meatball. "Have you been there yet Cassie?"

"Haven't felt brave enough yet," Cas shook his head.   I'm getting there.  I think maybe soon."

Dean comfortingly patted his thigh under the table. "You should go one of the weekends I have a guest deejay.  Depending on who it is, I can sometimes sneak out early. That way, if you needed to leave, we could.  One of my old buddies is doing a guest set this weekend," he said nonchalantly.

"Yeah?" Cas asked.  He stared down at his plate, stabbing aimlessly at a meatball as he considered this.  " _Maybe_ I could do it..."

"No pressure.  Just let me know. My brother Sam is going next weekend too, actually, and he hardly ever goes."

Cas nodded, still staring at his plate.

"Its fun, but I think I'm getting too old for that scene," Gabriel laughed.  "I definitely couldn't go every weekend.  That sounds exhausting."

Dean grinned.  "I don't think I could actually _go_ party every weekend either.  But I do love providing the music... This is so good," he said again, shoveling another forkful of noodles into his mouth.

Gabriel smiled. "I already said I don't hate you, so you don't need to suck up. So... Is this your main job?  Or do you have a day job too?"

"Well," Dean said, "I usually work at the club Friday and Saturday nights, though in the winter, we just do Saturdays. And the rest of the week, I'm preparing.  I usually spend anywhere from five to ten hours a day creating music."

"Holy shit," Gabriel murmured.

Dean laughed. "Yeah, most people think I just work one night a week, but there's a lot that goes into those sets.  I do a lot of stuff spur-of-the-moment too, of course, but you've gotta test things, see what works.  And I don't recycle too much. Gotta keep it fresh every week, work with whatever is hot on the dance charts, et cetera.  At least I can pretty much set my own hours, you know?"

"I guess they make it worth your time..."

"Uhh," Dean fumbled.  "They definitely pay for my time. I also have sponsors now, so that helps too.  Soo... What about you? You're a hell of a cook; I hear you own a bakery?  I know because Cas feeds me awesome leftover treats from time to time when I come over."

"Oh. Thanks. Yeah, I have a bakery in Manhattan called 'I'm So Baked'," he grinned impishly.

"Really?  I just passed that place this weekend. I remember because the name made me laugh."

"Aw, thanks. Stop by next time you're in the area," Gabe said.  "I'll hook you up.  But I'm usually only there in the mornings and early afternoons."

"Awesome.  Thank you."

" _This_ bastard makes the best pie crust though," Gabriel said, pointing to Cas. "Seriously.  My pies are good, but his put mine to shame.  He won't tell me his secret either."

Cas blushed as Dean grinned at him. "Yours are just as good..."

"They aren't, and you know it," Gabriel shook his head.  "I went to school for this shit and your pies kick my ass.  You'll see, Dean... Hey, the wine is really perfect with this, isn't it?" he asked, taking a sip from his glass.

Cas nodded.  "Perfect," he echoed as Dean glanced away, trying to hide his self-satisfied smile.

"Well hey, would anyone like more food?" Gabe asked after swallowing his last bite.  "There's lots left."

Dean politely declined. "No, thank you. I'm so full, but I have to save a little room for that dessert."

"Me too," Cas sighed.

"Alright. Leftovers are going home with you then, Cassie," Gabe winked as he stood to begin clearing the table.  Cas and Dean jumped up to help, but were quickly shut down.

"I got it. You're my guests!" Gabriel insisted. "Why don't you guys go watch TV or something while I clean up?  We'll have dessert in a few."

"Since when am I a guest?" Cas scoffed.  "No point in arguing, I suppose," he sighed as Gabriel shooed them away. "C'mon." He tapped Dean's shoulder and motioned toward the living room.

As the two of them settled down into Gabe's cushy purple velvety couch, a couch Cas thought was tacky as hell, and yet so utterly 'Gabriel', Cas leaned over and gave Dean a tiny peck on the cheek.

"See?  You're doing fine," he said softly. "I told you everything would be okay."

Dean smiled and stretched his arm out so that Cas could snuggle in. "Yeah, you did. Part of me knew he couldn't be too bad.  He raised you, after all.  I was still nervous as hell though," he grimaced. "Guess I'm not usually a 'meet the family' kind of guy."

"Why not?"

"I dunno," Dean mused as he gently carded his fingers through Cas's hair. "Maybe I just hadn't met the right person before."

" _Dean_ ," Cas blushed. "You're always saying things like that..."

Dean laughed.  "I _know_ , and it's totally out of character for me. This is all your fault. I'm not complaining though..." He tenderly cupped Cas's cheek and guided their lips together for an innocent kiss just as Gabriel walked into the room.

"No, no.  Don't stop on my account," Gabe grinned.  "I know I should be kind of weirded out, but that was the cutest thing I've ever seen. Soooo," he said, flopping down in the chair across from them, "what are you watching?"

"Uhhh," Cas stuttered.

"Ah, got it.  Too busy making out..." Gabriel teased as he picked up the remote control. "You wanna watch a movie or something or are you two headed back downstairs?" he smirked.

"Sorry." Dean grinned sheepishly.  Cas just blushed and sat up a little straighter.

Gabriel flicked through the channels for a few minutes, and finally stopped on an action movie they had all seen a dozen times.  "So, you think you're gonna go this weekend, Cassie?"

"Umm.  Maybe. I want to see where Dean works. The crowd worries me though. You know how I get when I'm shoulder to shoulder with people."

Gabriel nodded.

"Well, if you _do_ want to go," Dean reminded him, "you can be in my booth with me, so you won't have to get too up close and personal with the crowd.  But really, don't push yourself.  If you don't feel comfortable, it's okay.  I understand. This scene is not for everybody, anxiety or not."

"True," Gabriel agreed.

Cas nodded distractedly.  "I know... But I _have_ been a bit better overall lately..." he trailed off. "I've had a few bad depression days, but the anxiety hasn't been too bad.  Maybe if I can just stay with you, I'll be okay..."

Dean smiled.  "It's up to you, sweetheart. I think you can do it.  But honestly, it's okay if you're not ready just yet. "

"No," Cas shook his head defiantly.  "I want to go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I really want to see you in action."

"Well okay then," Dean beamed, giving him a kiss on the forehead.  "It'll be great.  I'm excited! Look at you. So damn brave and stubborn! I love it."

Gabriel looked back and forth between the two of them, giving them the widest puppy dog eyes Dean had ever seen.

"Fuck," he sighed.  "I give up. Welcome to the family, you bastard.  I have to go get us some dessert or something.  Someone's chopping onions in here..." He stood abruptly and headed back to the kitchen.

Dean looked over at Cas, still grinning from ear to ear. "You're amazing, you know that?" he whispered.

Cas just playfully rolled his eyes.

"Dean, do you do coffee or tea?"  Gabriel's voice called from the kitchen.

"Coffee's fine.  Black, please," Dean replied.  He lowered his voice to a low, sexy growl as he turned back to Cas. "Gonna have to start rewarding you for that bravery..."

Cas's breath caught in his throat as Dean's hand brushed up the inside of his thigh.

"D-Dean," he stuttered. "Not here."

"Alright, alright," Dean grinned. "Maybe later?" He winked and licked his lips suggestively as he watched Cas redden and squirm.

"M-maybe I'll have to start being even braver," Cas stammered, timidly reaching over and ghosting his fingertips over Dean's groin.

"Cas!" Dean laughed, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Here you go!"

They both jumped guiltily as Gabriel came back into the room, carrying a tray of pie and some steaming mugs.

"Cassie, tea with honey. Dean, coffee, black. Help yourselves, kids," he said, setting the tray on the coffee table.

Dean reached for his plate, still trying to stifle a grin. He couldn't look at Cas's blushing face just yet lest he burst out laughing. "Thank you," he managed weakly.

Instead of incriminating the both of them, he turned his attention to his second love, eyeing up the impossibly thick slice of blueberry pie in front of him. It had been a while since he'd had a good slice, and his mouth was watering just looking at it.  He picked up his fork and shoveled a big bite into his mouth.

"Oh my _god_ ," he moaned in an embarrassingly sexual tone, making Gabriel burst into hysterical laughter, and Cas shift uncomfortably.

"I told you," Gabe said smugly, taking a bite of his own pie. "Little bastard.  One of these days I'll weasel the secret out of him," he mock-grumbled.

"Seriously, Cas, this is the best damn pie I've ever had. And I've eaten a lot of pie.  The crust is so flaky, and tender, and buttery, and..." he paused to take another bite.  "Ohhh. It's  _amazing_ ," he gushed.

"Oh," Cas ducked his head and blushed.  "Thanks."

Gabriel smiled, eyeing up his baby brother, who was acting decidedly shyer than he'd ever seen him. "Well isn't he just the cutest?  Don't you want to just fold him up and carry him around in your pocket?" he teased.

Dean nodded, his eyes locking on Cas's.  "He's pretty damn cute."

"Staaaahp," Cas drawled, bowing his head bashfully and focusing on his pie.

"He's never been good with complements," Gabriel chuckled."Even still, he _is_ awfully shy today. I'm not used to that. Usually he's a slightly annoying little smartass."

A little huff from Cas made him laugh even harder.

"Shut up, Gabe," Cas muttered.

"Oh, he couldn't _possibly_ be annoying," Dean said, trying to come to his rescue. "He's so sweet and thoughtful and..."

"Both of you shut up and eat your pie," Gabriel interrupted. "Then go downstairs already. You're both so disgustingly googly-eyed I feel guilty keeping you here. It's obvious you're in that lovey-dovey-can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other phase, so go and... put your hands on each other."

"Jesus, Gabe!" Cas exclaimed.

Gabriel shot him a wry look. "What did I tell you about looking a gift horse in the mouth, Cassie? Finish up and go. I'm officially kicking you out. Go get some." He folded his arms in front of him, giving then a faux-stern look.

Dean bit down on his lip to keep from laughing as Cas's jaw dropped in utter humiliation at his brother telling him to 'get some'.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Cas squeaked.

"I like him," Dean shrugged."You should respect your elders, Cas."

Cas turned to him, hands held up in his best 'what the fuck' gesture, giggling nervously.  "Et tu, Dean?" he sighed.

"Cas," Dean smiled, "Just eat your pie."

::::::::::::

"You're a pain in the ass," Cas said as he opened the door to his apartment. "Don't encourage him. Don't _ever_ encourage him," he stressed.

Dean snorted with laughter.  "Aw, I thought he was kind of sweet..." He paused as Cas shot him a dirty look. "And he sent me home with pie, so he's not _that_ bad," he said, triumphantly holding up a Tupperware container with two big slices of pie in it.

Cas smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Besides, he's right, you know," Dean continued.  "We couldn't wait to get our hands on each other." 

"Well that's kind of presumptuous, don't you think?" Cas laughed.

"Oh really?  Between you touching my dick and that boner you were trying to hide?"

A little gasp escaped Cas's lips and he ducked his head bashfully. "Oh.  Right.  You noticed that?"

"No offense sweetheart, but was hard not to."

Cas sat there in slack-jawed silence for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that.

"Well... You started it!  With your hinting about 'rewards'..." he finally exclaimed.

Dean smirked. "Ah yes.  Speaking of which... I'm going to go to the bathroom. When I come out, I want you completely naked on your bed," he said matter-of-factly.

"Dean!"

Dean just raised an expectant eyebrow at him, then turned around and headed for the bathroom. "Oh, and Cas?  I like being obeyed," he growled over his shoulder.

Cas stared in awe as he walked away, trying to pick his jaw up off the ground.  The click of the bathroom door closing made him snap out of his stupor, and suddenly, he found himself dashing toward the bedroom.  He had no idea what Dean had in mind, but his dick was obviously interested.

Quickly, he stripped off his layered shirts and tossed them in a wrinkled pile the floor.  He was usually much more meticulous about things, but right now, taking a few extra steps to the laundry hamper was the last thing on his mind. He kicked off his shoes and unbuttoned his khakis, letting them pool at his feet before kicking them into the pile, then yanked his socks off.  Taking a deep breath, he let his boxers fall to the floor, then he crawled onto the bed, trying to awkwardly arrange himself so that he didn't look so exposed.

When Dean stepped into the room a few minutes later, he chuckled softly, a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"Good boy.  Now let's work on that reward, shall we?"

Cas nodded eagerly.

"Except this will be a reward for the both of us," he purred in his sultriest voice. From behind his back, Dean produced the Tupperware container, and a wet hand towel, setting them on the nightstand next to the bed.

"What?" Cas asked, frowning in confusion. "Why do I have to be naked to eat pie?"

"You don't," Dean stated. "You have to be naked so that _I_ can eat pie. Lie down," he demanded

Cas was still perplexed, but he did what he was told.

"We're gonna play a little game tonight, okay? " Dean breathed. Ever-so-slowly he unbuttoned and rolled up his sleeves, and then removed his vest.  "Baby's been such a good boy tonight, I thought maybe we could toy around with that little fantasy of yours... And one of mine too."

Cas felt his mouth go dry, and he tried hard to swallow. He'd only told Dean about one little fantasy, which required an ample amount fucking.  Though he was definitely getting better, he wasn't sure he could do that just yet.

"Dean, um, I'm not sure..."

"Not _that_ part," Dean assured him. "I promise. I told you, you were going to have to make the first move there."

"Then wha..." Cas trailed off as green eyes locked on his, and Dean seductively slid his tie from around his neck. That confident, predatory look caused his already-hard cock to twitch excitedly.  

"Mmmhmm," Dean nodded, that satisfied smirk crossing his face again as he knelt on the edge of the bed and grabbed Cas by the wrists. "Now the game is this," he rasped.  "You can tell me to stop at any time, and I _promise_ you I will. But aside from that, I want you to be quiet. Can you do that for me, baby?"

Breathlessly, Cas nodded again. 

"Good boy." He raised Cas's arms over his head and lashed his wrists to the metal headboard with his tie, knotting them securely. "Not a word, or you won't get that pretty little cock sucked."

Cas whimpered as the fabric tightened around him and he squirmed eagerly. He was already achingly hard and Dean hadn't even touched him yet.

"You look absolutely delicious all tied up there," Dean whispered, licking his lips. "But let's see if we can make you taste even better..." He picked up the container on the nightstand and opened it, grinning as he watched Cas's face suddenly register what he was about to do.

He pulled the crust off the top of a slice and stuck a finger into the purple pie goo.

"Wanna taste first?" he taunted, waving his sticky finger in Cas's face. "Open," he demanded.

Cas's eyes widened along with his jaw, and Dean shoved the finger into his warm, wet mouth.

"Suck it off, baby," Dean said softly.

With a little moan, Cas set to work, nearly gagging himself as he sucked it in and out of his mouth.

"Good," Dean praised, drawing his hand back a bit. "Now lick."

Cas licked frantically at the leftover stickiness and Dean swirled his finger around Cas's tongue until he took the hint to do the same.

"That's it," Dean murmured. "Good job."  Again he dipped a finger into the sticky mess. "Now it's my turn."

He brazenly smeared some across Cas's nipples,  rubbing circles around them as Cas squirmed.

"Feel good?" he teased.

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but Dean stopped him.

"Uh uh.  Unless you're telling me to stop, not a word."

Cas whimpered and nodded.

"Good boy." Taking a big glob of pie filling, Dean smeared a long, thin trail down Cas's chest and stomach. "Knees up for me," he whispered.

Obediently, Cas bent his knees, watching Dean in eager fascination. Not being able to talk or move his arms was strangely arousing, as was this domineering version of Dean. Something about the calm, confident way he was giving orders made Cas want to submit to just about anything.  He'd always been a bit stubborn and headstrong, not to mention anxious, so this whole feeling was entirely new.

His cock was already aching and leaking precum, and still, Dean hadn't really touched him. It twitched violently as sticky fingers trailed blueberry goo down the inside of his thighs.  He wanted to moan, to cry out for Dean to just touch him already, but he didn't dare. He wasn't sure how serious Dean was about not sucking him off, but he wasn't about to risk it.

When a tight, gooey fist wrapped around his cock, he bucked his hips, silently begging for something, anything, but Dean just shook his head.

"Not yet, baby," he soothed, picking up the wet towel from the nightstand to wipe his hands.  "Can't leave you a sticky mess, now, can I?" He tossed the cloth and bent to lick a long, flat stripe across Cas's right nipple, then swirled his tongue around it, humming happily as Cas whimpered. "Might take a while to clean you up though..."

Cas bit his lip and closed his eyes, and Dean suckled the nipple into his mouth before licking across his chest to tease at the other one.

"You're squirming an awful lot," Dean hummed.  "Getting a little restless, baby?  You want me to hurry?" he taunted.

Cas nodded frantically.

"I don't know if I can..." He began licking a trail down his torso, dragging his tongue in an excruciatingly slow manner as Cas whined.  "I think it's more fun if I take my time..."

Cas grunted and gritted his teeth. If he could move his arms, he'd have grabbed him by the hair and given him a shove in the right direction, but alas, all he could do was lie there and take it.

Dean continued licking a path down his stomach, finally stopping when his nose was buried in a soft tuft of curly dark hair. Cas bucked his hips again in frustration, but only managed to hit Dean in the forehead with his cock.

"Shhhh," Dean laughed, wiping blueberry off his face. "I'll get there soon enough..."  He crawled around to settle in the space between Cas's legs and began licking down the sticky purple trail inside of his thighs.

Cas was ready to explode.  He was ticklish to begin with, but he was also horny as hell, and the closer Dean got, the louder he moaned. His legs were twitching, and he was struggling against the ties binding his wrists, needing to just grab onto something, wanting to touch Dean.

"Look at me, baby," Dean whispered, sliding his tongue closer and closer to his cock. "You like being tied up?"

Cas nodded and arched his back as Dean dipped close to his balls. He was so frustrated his eyes were watering and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. He was making embarrassing, strangled noises and it was getting harder to not cry out.

Finally, Dean licked the last of the purple goo from his thighs and gave him a final smirk, then deepthroated him in one swift motion.

"Fuuuuck," Cas whimpered, and Dean laughed as he pulled back a bit and began bobbing his head, sucking up and down the length of his shaft.

"S...Sorry," Cas gasped, quickly realizing that he'd spoken out loud.

Dean grinned as he came up for air. "S'okay, baby," he whispered. "You've been such a good boy. You can talk now. In fact, I want you to talk to me for this next part."

"W-what part?" Cas panted.

"You'll see.  Just remember, you can tell me to stop..."

Cas nodded again, both confused and excited.

Dean dipped down again, sliding his tongue around the swollen head before flicking across the slit, and Cas groaned louder.

"Dean... I'm not going to last much longer..."

"Mmm. In that case," Dean teased,  maybe I'd better slow it down."

"Dean!" Cas growled.

Dean grinned and blew on his spit-slicked cock, causing Cas to twitch even more, and then grabbed under his knees and shoved until his legs were in the air.

"Wha..." Cas gasped.

Dean's nose nuzzled the underside of his balls for a second, and suddenly his tongue dipped lower.

Cas's face contorted in horror at first. He couldn't believe Dean would lick... _that_. Then again, he couldn't believe it would feel good, either, but it did.

"Dean... What are you... Oh god.." he whimpered.

"Not stopping unless you tell me to," Dean reminded him, going at him harder. He traced his tongue around the twitchy rim, listening to the most depraved noises coming from Cas's mouth.  When he pressed the pointy tip of his tongue against the hole, Cas yelped as it barely penetrated him.

"Dean!" he exclaimed.

"Want me to stop?"

"Uh. Um. Y-you can't put your tongue there!"

"Why not?"

"I-it's gross!"

"Does it feel gross?"

"It feels weird..."

"Good-weird?"

Cas sighed. "Yes," he squeaked in a tiny voice.  He was suddenly really thankful that he'd been 'cleaning up' before his dates with Dean lately, just in case... Thank god for Gabe and his twisted sense of gift-giving.

Dean laughed and gave it a few more firm licks, then crawled over to the nightstand.  He pumped a glob of lube into his hand and returned to the spot between his legs.

"Legs up," he said softly.

Cas moaned and drew his knees up again, leaving himself very exposed.

"Good boy," Dean whispered. "You're doing so well for me tonight. You look so beautiful like this.  So open and trusting..." He coated a thumb with the lube, then gripped his buttocks with both hands, letting his thumb rub little circles around the fluttering pink hole.

Cas was way beyond his limit.  Sweat was pouring off of him and his entire body felt like it was on fire.  He needed to cum, _now_.  If he had a free hand, he'd do it himself. Whatever the hell Dean was doing to him was turning him on, and making him a tad anxious - which was, strangely enough, just making him hornier.

"Oh fuck!" he yelled as Dean's thumb barely entered him, but as soon as he spoke, it was teasingly rubbing circles around him again.

"You okay?"

Cas bit his lip and nodded.

Again, Dean pressed into him, deeper this time, as Cas threw his head back and groaned.

"Am I hurting you?"

Cas took a deep breath.  "N-not yet.  Just the anticipation. I-I've tried and it always h-hurts. A lot."

Dean paused and frowned.  "It shouldn't hurt that much, baby. Might hurt a little at first, but..." He backed away and grabbed the wet towel from the floor and wiped the lube from his hands.  "I'm gonna untie you now," he said softly.

"N-no. You don't have to stop..."

"M'not gonna, unless you tell me to.  But let's do this right..." He crawled to the top of the bed and unknotted the tie, freeing Cas's aching arms. "Better?" he asked, gently rubbing his wrists, and bringing each one to his lips to kiss them.

Cas nodded weakly and reached out, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck.  He didn't want to admit it, but he was feeling physically and emotionally drained, and still, he was achingly hard.

"Aww, baby," Dean whispered as he kissed his cheek.  "I can tell you're exhausted. So let's get you off quick.  You're gonna help me."

"What?"

Dean grinned and reached over to the nightstand.  "Give me your hand."  He pumped a few squirts of lube into Cas's palm, then slicked up his fingers again.  "Knees up."

Cas bent his knees and Dean lay next to him, reaching between his legs to run a slick finger around his hole again.  Watching Cas's face for any signs of pain, he teased the tip of his finger in and out a few times until Cas got used to it before pressing a little deeper.

"The trick is," he whispered, working his finger in to the first knuckle, "lots of lube, and going slow.  Don't rush it. Take as long as you need.  Let your muscles adjust and stretch."

Cas nodded, jaw gaping as he panted.

"Try to relax.  Don't clench, push instead," Dean continued.  "And once you get this far," he said as his finger breached the tight rim, "sometimes it's best to take the rest in one go..." He slowly shoved his finger all the way in as Cas moaned.  "You okay?" he asked, pausing so he could get used to the feeling.

Cas looked up at him, wide-eyed and awestruck. It hurt a _little_ at first, but not nearly as bad as when he'd done it himself. Mostly it felt...well,  _weird._ It was uncomfortable, but it didn't really _hurt_. "I-I'm okay," he stuttered.

"Good boy," Dean smiled.  "Now baby, I'm gonna finger your ass while I watch you jerk off," he whispered, trailing a few kisses across Cas's shoulder and chest.  "Can you do that for me?"

Cas whimpered and nodded.  Usually he wouldn't be so bold as to jerk off in front of anyone, but he was so damn overstimulated now, he didn't care. All he could think about was cumming already.  He reached down and slowly began stroking himself.

"That's it, baby.  Show me how you get yourself off," Dean breathed.  Gently, he began moving his finger in and out as Cas's eyes rolled back.

"Deeean," Cas whimpered.  "It feels weird."

"Is it hurting?"

"N-no.  It's... it's not bad."

Dean laughed.  "Starting to feel good?"

"K-kind of..."

Dean crooked his finger until he found just the right spot inside him and began gently rubbing .  "You're gonna love this then..."

"What?  Oh. Uhh.  What do you m... Ohhh!" he suddenly yelped, his legs twitching in surprise.  "K-keep doing that," he whimpered.

Dean just grinned and nibbled at his shoulder.  "Mmm.  Love it when baby gets demanding... One of these days, you're going to tie me up and have your way with _me_."

Cas moaned loudly, the thought of _him_ dominating _Dean_  was ridiculous.  He could never... But the thought that Dean would even  _want_ him to was kind of hot. Regardless, right now, all he could think about was the hot, tingly feeling in his abdomen and the fact that whatever Dean was doing was making him thrash and jerk frantically.

"Faster," Dean whispered. "Stroke faster for me, baby."

Cas tried, but his body buckled forward as Dean sat up, intensifying his rubbing as well.

"Deeeean!" Cas shrieked, grabbing wildly at his arm with his free hand.He gave a few more half-hearted strokes, and suddenly, it was all too overwhelming. "Fuck! Fuck! Oh god. Oh! Oh! Oh! Dean!" Dean quickly maneuvered his face over Cas's cock and sucked as he came hard, spurting and twitching and screaming Dean's name.

Finally, Cas's body went limp on the bed, still groaning and twitching with little aftershocks. "W-what the h-hell was that?" he puffed. He was sweating profusely, damp hair matted to his forehead, and he was still trembling.

Dean smirked, slowly removing his finger as Cas groaned again. " _That_ is why sex feels so good."  He picked up the wet washcloth from the floor and wiped his hands again, then passed it to Cas to get the sticky, drying lube off his hands. "Soo...  I guess you're alright?" he asked, as he crawled on top of him to give him a long, lingering kiss.

"Mmmhmm."  Cas nodded tiredly, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. "I don't think I've ever, um, _climaxed_ that hard in my entire life. Sorry I'm so sweaty," he grimaced.

"S'okay," Dean laughed.  "Yeah, it's a different kind of orgasm, huh?  More intense.  You were okay with the tying and the not talking and stuff too?"

"Oh my god. And the pie..." Cas babbled.  "It was all strangely erotic. It was all so...so...  _wow_."

"Good," Dean smiled.  He spent a few minutes smothering his face with tiny kisses before finally rolling off of him.

Cas took a deep breath and sighed happily. "That was amazing.  And it didn't really hurt..." he said softly, still somewhat surprised by this revelation.

"Mmmhmm. You just can't rush it," Dean murmured, holding out his arm for Cas to curl up to him, but instead, Cas just sat up.   "What are you doing, baby?" he asked quietly.

"Ummm," Cas paused, chewing on his bottom lip again.  "I uhh..." He took another deep breath and guided his hands to the waistband of Dean's pants. "I want to um..."

Dean watched him for a moment, intently trying to read Cas's mind. "Cas? Sweetheart?  You can do whatever you want. But don't feel like you have to. I'm fine, really."

Cas wasn't looking at him though; he was staring at the bulge in his pants. He licked his lips nervously. "I want to." Slowly, he unbuttoned and unzipped Dean's pants, then timidly pulled them down to his knees.  His breath caught in his throat as he steeled his nerves, and he yanked down Dean's already-damp boxer briefs. "Y-you're really hard," he stammered.

"Yeah," Dean said softly, as he watched in rapt fascination.  "But you don't have to..."

"I w-want to taste you," Cas whispered, red-faced.

Dean closed his eyes for just a second and took a sharp breath to calm himself.  "Wow. I _like_ brave Cas... I've gotta be honest though, it's not gonna take much after tonight."

"That's okay," Cas whispered. He bent down, tentatively tonguing at the slit of Dean's weeping cock and making him let out a long, shaky exhale. "Ohh Dean," he breathed.  "You've been so patient with me." Awkwardly, he slipped the tip of Dean's cock into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it.

"Mmm," Dean hummed, reaching down to stroke Cas's hair. "That feels amazing, baby. Fuuuuck, I'm not gonna last long," he groaned.

Cas chuckled deep in his throat, and slipped down further, taking as much in his mouth as he could manage before pulling back and bobbing down again. He hadn't done this before, but he _did_ remember what felt good, so he mimicked Dean's actions, adding his hands into the mix, pumping his shaft and cupping his balls.

"Ohhh god.  That's it, baby. That's good." He tightly gripped Cas's hair, arching his back as he moaned.

Cas pulled back and stroked him for a minute to give his jaw a break, and Dean suddenly jerked forward. "Y-yeah. Just like that.  Don't stop," he rasped."Ohh fuck. Fuck! Yes! Yesyesyes! Oh! Oh! Unnghh!"

Cas quickly wrapped his lips around his cock as Dean came, the hot, salty substance making him gag a little as he tried hard to swallow it all. He almost succeeded, but he had to pull away as the last bit spurted out, hitting him in the face.  Grimacing, he wiped it away.

Dean's chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath.  "Cas," he huffed. "C-come here," he motioned, pulling Cas's sweaty body on top of his. "That was amazing, sweetheart," he gushed as he kissed him everywhere he could reach. His arms and legs wrapped around him, clutching him tightly. "Thank you, baby," he whispered, a bit more misty-eyed than he'd like to admit. "Thank you."

"Dean," Cas blushed. "It wasn't a big deal, it was just a blowjob."

"It _was_ a big deal for you. And it was for me too," Dean said kissing his cheek. "I love you."

Cas paused, pulling away.  "You do?"

"Of course..." Dean frowned. "Did I just do something wrong?"

Cas stared down at him, a look of confusion and awe clouding his eyes. "We've never said that before."

Dean, trying to hide his smile, rolled Cas off to his side, propping his head up on his elbow to look at him.

"Oh really?" he asked, bemused. "Actually, you said it first. A few days ago. The night I came home from New York."

"No I didn't."

"You did. You were almost completely asleep, and you mumbled it," Dean grinned, watching Cas's face redden.

"I did?"

Dean nodded.

"Oh." Cas flushed all the way to the tips of his ears.  "Well I, um.  I-I love you too," he finished, grinning sheepishly.

"Are you sure? For a minute there I thought you were gonna pass out," Dean teased.

"I-I thought it would be harder to say for the first time," Cas giggled nervously, "but apparently my subconscious beat me to it."

"Yep. You love me. Deal with it.  You know how I _really_ know you love me?"

"How?"

"You swallowed tonight, even though you were totally grossed out," Dean chortled.

"I was not!" Cas yelped, burying his face in his hand.

"You _so_ were. But you did it anyway."

"I...I _wanted_ to like it!" Cas exclaimed apologetically.  "I was turned on by the _thought_ it.  But it's just so hot and...  _slimy,_ " he sputtered.  "How do you do it?"

Dean just laughed and kissed him on the forehead.  "You don't have to swallow, baby.  Swallowing is optional," he whispered. "You look absolutely wrecked.  What do you say we sleep now, and in the morning, we'll shower off, then relax in the bath for a while?"

"Mmm," Cas hummed. "That sounds good."

"Then I'll take you to one of my favorite brunch places," Dean continued, "and after that, I have to do some work unfortunately, but you can come over and keep me company, if you'd like."

Cas nodded, his eyes slipping closed again. "Okay, Dean."

"Still feel dirty?"

Cas thought for a long minute before he finally answered.  "No," he murmured blissfully.  "I feel good. I  feel... _loved_.  As cheesy as that sounds..."

Dean smiled, pulling him in closer to his chest.

"Good boy," he whispered.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I've been super slow lately. Things are crazy here. Anyway...

Gabriel slowly trudged up the stairs to his apartment, digging through his pocket for his keys. He'd been at the bakery since three-thirty a.m. working on a big custom order, and now, almost twelve hours later, all he could think about was crawling in bed for a quick nap before his date tonight.

He was gradually starting to fall back into his normal routine. Usually at this time he'd be starting dinner, making sure Cas was eating and taking his meds, and generally just keeping him company. However, since Dean had been around a lot lately, he had a bit more free time.

Gabe had been neglecting himself for a while in favor of taking care of Cas - staying up too late, not getting in his usual exercise.  Gabriel was a social guy, but he hadn't been going out lately or participating in any of his usual hobbies. Hell, he hadn't even gotten laid in months.  Not that he minded, of course; Cassie was more important than all of those those trivial things.  Still, he was starting to experience a bit of caretaker burnout.

On the bright side, Cas was slowly getting better, and Dean seemed to be doing a good job of taking care of him when he wasn't around. He knew how difficult loving a depressed person could be at times, and Dean had the patience of a saint. Still, it was still hard to let go.

Cas wasn't exactly a kid anymore, but it was hard to not think of him that way. After all, Gabriel had been taking care of him since he was young, and he couldn't help but worry.  It wasn't just that Cas had a boyfriend - he was insanely happy for him, of course.  He was more worried that Cas had started dating while he was sick.

Gabe had been there for all the psychiatrist visits, the hospitalizations, that suicide attempt so many years ago. He was the one who stayed up with him at four in the morning hugging him when all young Cas could do was cry. For years, they'd made it through each little setback together, so letting someone else take the reins, even for a bit, was difficult. Thankfully, things had been better the last few years.  While it still sucked, this time was was nowhere near as bad as the last time Cas got sick, and he was thankful for that.

It was hard to imagine anyone could take care of his baby brother as well as he could, but seeing Dean and Cas together at dinner the other night had actually made him tear up a little. Dean treated him gently, without babying him.  He encouraged without pushing too hard, much in the same way that Gabriel had always done. When he walked in on the two of them kissing, not once, bit twice, Cas looked more blissful and relaxed than he'd seen him in months, so grudgingly, he had to admit he liked the guy.

Besides, thanks to Dean, Cas would be in the city at his place this weekend, and that left him completely free of responsibility. He planned on taking full advantage of the night off too; he was getting laid tonight. Bela, his favorite casual hookup was in town, and it had been so long, he just hoped his dick remembered what to do.

He kicked off his shoes and yanked the covers back, then crawled into his nice, warm bed, relieved to finally be off his feet. Tiredly, he reached over and set his alarm, then pulled the blankets up to his chin and adjusted his pillow. _Yeah. Tonight was going to be good,_ he thought as he closed his eyes.

"Gabe!"

Cas's voice and the sound of someone thundering up the stairs made him groan.

"You've got to help me!" Cas yelled as he flung open the front door.

 _That_ got his attention. He jumped up and bolted into the living room, yelling back as he ran.

"Cassie? What's wrong?" he asked, panic making his heart pound. He entered the room, to see Cas looking frantic and frustrated.

"Dean's going to be here in twenty minutes and I don't know what to wear!"

Gabriel sighed and took a deep breath, a look of relief slowly spreading across his face. "That's it? A _clothing_ emergency? You dragged me out of bed for a _clothing_ emergency?"

"Oh!" Cas grimaced. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd be sleeping."

"Yeah, well, lucky for you, I wasn't quite asleep yet.  Now, what are you panicking about?"

"I'm a hot mess!" Cas exclaimed. "I don't know what to pack for tomorrow! What do I wear to a _club_?  I've tried on everything I own! I'm _way_ too big of a nerd for this! Maybe this is a bad idea..."

"Whoa, whoa.  Just relax," Gabriel soothed. "We'll find you something to wear. You're right though, your usual khakis and sweater vests might make you stick out at the club," he winked. "It's not one of those snooty clubs with a dress code though, so you don't have to go nuts or anything.  Maybe just go a little more casual."

"Like what?"

"Hmmm." Gabriel thought for a moment. "Didn't you buy a ridiculously expensive pair of jeans a while back? That you've never worn?"

 "Ugh," Cas groaned. "Don't remind me. I don't know what I was thinking. They're horrible.  I should have returned them while I still had time."  
  
Gabriel shook his head.  "Let me see them.  Go put them on."

Cas sighed.  As usual, he knew there was no point in arguing with his stubborn brother.  He retreated back downstairs to his bedroom, and grabbed the jeans from a shelf in the back of his closet.  Scowling to himself, he glanced at the price tag still attached to the hip. _Fucking waste of money._  He'd bought them months back when he was still feeling good, thinking he'd change up his lack-of-style for once, but never had the guts to wear them.  He kicked his khakis off and stepped into them, leaving the tags intact. After all, maybe he could sell them on Craigslist or something.

Gabriel waited patiently for Cas to return as he dug through his closet. He had just thrown a pile of shirts on the bed when Cas walked back into the room.

"See? They're ridiculous," he pouted.

Gabe looked him over carefully. "No they're not. They look really good, actually."

"They're freakin' skinny jeans!"

"They are _not_ skinny jeans," Gabe laughed. "They're slim fit. And they're actually very in style right now. Same with that dark, worn-looking denim. Give me a little turn," he motioned.

Cas sighed and awkwardly turned around as Gabriel checked him out.

"Yeah.  Wear those. You look good, Cassie. All these years and I never knew you had an ass!"

"What?" Cas frowned.

"I'm just sayin, the khakis aren't doing you any favors," Gabe shrugged. "Okay, now a shirt...  I say go classic and simple," he suggested, rifling through the pile on the bed. "I picked out a few, but I'm thinking this one. " He held out a casual, white, button-down shirt.

"Your stuff isn't going to fit me, Gabe. It's too small."

Gabriel shook his head. "No, we're about the same chest size, you just wear all of your shit loose. Humor me," he said, shoving the shirt at him.

Rolling his eyes, Cas tossed his own shirt to the floor and slipped into Gabriel's. Much to his surprise, he was able to button it, though it was a much snugger fit than he'd like.

"See?" Gabe grinned. "Look, it's perfect. It's practically tailored to your body!" he exclaimed, pointing to the mirror.

Cas turned around and stared at himself, still not totally convinced. "The sleeves are kinda short..."

"Relax, were not done,"Gabe said as he drew closer to roll up his sleeves. "Yeah. Three-quarter length sleeves..." He mused. "Take off your socks and put your loafers back on."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it. Dean will be here any minute."

Cas huffed and scrunched his face in confusion, but he pulled his socks off and slipped back into his shoes.

"Yeah, that's good. Aaaand... Effortlessly cool." Gabriel bent down and rolled neat, one-inch cuffs on the bottom of his jeans. "What do you think?"

Cas looked at himself again. _Okay.  It was hard to get past how different it was, but he actually looked... good._ It was still somewhat dressy-casual, but instead of hiding his body like his clothes usually did, they accentuated his form.

"Huh," he murmured.

"Right?" Gabe beamed. "You look good!  Okay, you might have to wear socks if you're outside since it's winter and all, but you can pull that off.  But come spring?  No socks.  Now just sex it up a bit. Unbutton that top button," he instructed, reaching over to pop it open. "And... oh, wait here a sec." He hurried off to the bathroom and returned with a container of hair pomade and unscrewed the lid, handing it to Cas.

"Watch," he commanded. "Just a little bit of this, and..." He took a tiny dab of the pomade into one hand and set the container on his dresser, then rubbed his hands together. "Voilà..." he murmured, working his hands through Cas's hair, tugging at little bits to make them stick up. "Well?" he asked expectantly.

Cas looked in the mirror again, his face completely neutral. "I look like I just woke up," he said.

"Yeah. That's the point! Bedhead is sexy! It gives you that just-got-laid look."

Cas frowned at his reflection. "I don't know, Gabe. It's not very _me_. I mean, well, it _is_ me, just not when I leave the house.  I think..."

"Uh, Cassie? I think I just heard Dean pull up," Gabe interrupted.

"Shit! I'm not ready. I'm so nervous. Why am I nervous?" Cas rambled as he fussed with his hair some more.

Gabriel smiled, watching his brother preen like he was going on his first date. " _Breathe_ , Cas.  I'll go tell him you're up here," he said, heading out to the stairwell, and returning a few minutes later with Dean in tow.

"Whoa," Dean immediately stopped in his tracks to doing a double-take at a cringing, embarrassed Cas.

"I know. I look ridiculous," Cas frowned.

"No," Dean said, walking a little closer to check him out. "You look fucking _hot_. This is a good look for you," he hummed approvingly.

"Really? I um. Uh. I was trying to find something to wear tomorrow night," he stammered shyly.

"Well I think you found it..."

As Cas shot him thankful look, Gabriel smiled and gave a little wink before heading back to the living room. He sighed happily to himself as he flopped down onto the couch. _Maybe Cassie still needed him after all._

:::::::::::::

"So I was thinking," Dean said as the van crept steadily through the snow. "Since you haven't been to the city much, I thought maybe we could make a pit stop before we get to my place. Is that okay?"

"Uhh. Sure."

"Awesome," Dean grinned. "Because we're almost there." He circled to find parking a few times, and finally pulled into a paid lot. "Bundle up," he winked as they exited the van. "We'll have to walk a few blocks."

"Where are we going?" Cas automatically latched onto Dean's arm; the simple gesture that used to bring him anxiety now seemed to calm him.

"We're going to act like New Yorkers tonight," Dean said. "You hungry?"

Cas nodded. "I could eat."

"Good. It's not exactly the Italian food place I took you to, but you need the full New York experience."

"Okay..."

They walked a few minutes more when a faint voice in a recessed nook of a building caught Cas's attention.

"Hey!"

A man with a gnarled grey beard and a worn, holey jacket waved timidly as they came near and Cas patted his pockets, lamenting the fact that he never carried cash anymore.

"Henry!" Dean called out, pausing to hug the man. "How are you?"

"Oh, one day at a time," the man said, his voice weary but cheerful. "I'm still kicking "

"Glad to hear it. Oh, this is my friend Cas," he said, suddenly remembering his manners.  "Cas, this old sonofabitch is Henry."

"Might be old, but I can still kick _your_ ass," Henry chuckled. "Nice to meet you, Cas," he said, extending a gloved hand to shake. "And _friend_ , my ass," he scoffed. "Fess up, Pretty Boy," he said, grinning like a loon as he waited for Dean to speak again.

"Friend, boyfriend, whatever," Dean laughed. "Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?"

"Nah.  Closest shelter is full up," Henry grumbled. "Didn't get there soon enough. I'll be alright.  Been through worse."

Dean frowned and nodded distractedly.  "Well hey, we're about to grab something from Kwik Meal. What can I get you? Chicken? Lamb? Falafel?"

"Really?  Chicken, please." Henry flashed him a wide smile.

"You got it. Back in a few. C'mon, Cas."

Silently, they walked half a block before Dean finally spoke.

"You okay? You look a little upset."

"Yeah... I'm fine."

Dean reached out and gripped his hand as they walked. "First homeless person?" he asked softly.

Cas nodded.

"I know," Dean sighed. "There are no comforting words, really. It just sucks... Hey, this is where we're eating tonight," he said, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. Cas looked up at the building beside them.

"What?"

"No. Right there," Dean laughed, pointing behind him.

Cas looked at the tiny silver trailer next to them in surprise. "Oh."

Dean grinned. "First food cart too, I imagine?"

Cas nodded.

"Well, I recommend something we can eat while we walk... I'm getting the chicken wrap. You?"

"Sounds good."

Dean stepped up to the window and ordered for three. As they patiently waited for their food, Dean took out his phone and scrolled for a minute.

"Would you mind grabbing the food when it comes up, Cas? I gotta make a call."

"Of course not."

"Thanks."  Dean punched a number into his keypad and hit send.  "Hello, is Michelle in tonight?"

Cas tried to keep his confused frown to himself. It wasn't like Dean to play with his phone while they were out. He grabbed their bags and waited as Dean continued.

"Michelle?  Hey. Dean Winchester. Yeah, I know, it's been a while. I need to get back there, it's just been so hectic lately. Yeah. Oh really?  Wow. Well hey, I have a huge favor to ask. You guys have any room tonight?  Just one. Yeah. I know, but c'mon.  I have faith in you. You can?  Perfect. It'll be a half hour or so, okay? Awesome. Thanks, Michelle. Bye." Dean hung up and shoved the phone back in his coat pocket.

Cas handed him one of the food bags. "What was that?" he asked curiously.

Dean grimaced.  "Sorry, sweetheart. I'm just going to find Henry a place to sleep then we'll go do our thing. Is that okay?"

"Yes. Of course," Cas said, nearly offended that he'd ask. "You can find him a place?" he asked as they began walking back toward the spot where they'd left Henry.

Dean shrugged. "I used to volunteer at a shelter, but I haven't been there in a while. I feel bad, but I've just been so busy lately. Anyway, yeah. I've got a friend there and she said they can take him in tonight."

"Oh." They walked along silently as the gentle snowflakes fluttered down around them, with Cas still deep in thought.

"Hey, buddy," Dean called as they saw Henry's feet on the ground, protruding from the recessed nook. "Delivery's here!"

The older gentleman had sat down on the cold concrete, wrapping himself with a thin, ratty blanket from his bag, but he jumped up as he heard Dean's voice.

"You came back," he smiled.

"Always do, don't I?"

"Yeah. Guess I'm just used to most people not coming back. This is for me?" he asked as Cas handed him one of the bags.

"Yep. Chicken and rice. Hope Coke is okay..."

The old man laughed. "Of course. Thank you, brothers," he said, clapping Cas on the shoulder, then giving Dean another man-hug.

"Henry, you know the place on the Bowery where I met you?"

"Yeah, why?  It's too late to check in there. I'm sure they're full already anyway. I'll be fine, really. It's not _too_ cold tonight," the man insisted.

Dean shook his head. "I called. Remember that red-haired woman? Michelle? She said she'll find room for you if you want to head out now."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm. Go ahead and eat. I'll call you a cab."

Henry shook his head, tears filling his tired eyes. "Thank you," he said, struggling to find words. He sat down on the ground again and opened the styrofoam container.

"Anytime."  Dean took Cas's hand and pulled him a few steps back as he dug out his phone again. "Sorry," he whispered.

Cas smiled. "Don't apologize."

Ten minutes later, when a cab arrived, Dean slipped some money and a few instructions to the driver as Henry slid into the back seat. He waved gratefully as the car pulled away from the curb.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I know it's cold out here and we're hungry, and our food is getting cold..."

"Could be worse," Cas said softly. "Some things are more important."

Dean turned to him and gave him a sincere but sad smile. "Yeah," he said, giving Cas a little peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Cas. C'mon. There's a bench up here if you want to sit for a minute."

After quickly inhaling their luke-warm food,  Dean grabbed him by the hand again and led Cas for just a few minutes more.

He had no idea where they were going, and he wasn't really paying attention to the road ahead, rather, Cas was in his own little world, holding onto Dean and watching his step on the somewhat slippery sidewalk.  So when he glanced up to see the shining beacon that was the Rockefeller Christmas tree, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"The tree," he murmured stupidly. "I've seen it on TV, but I've always wanted to see it in person..."

Dean burst out laughing. "I was hoping you'd like this.  I was so afraid you might find it boring. Like I made you freeze and walk three blocks for _this_ ," he laughed. "C'mon. Let's get closer."

Cas stared ahead in awe as they drew nearer, fascinated by the sheer number of lights covering the  enormous tree. "It's even cooler than it looks on TV," he breathed.

Try as he might, Dean couldn't help but smile as he watched. He loved seeing this look on Cas's face; it was the same one he'd had the night Dean took him sled-riding, the one that made him look so wide-eyed and childlike. They approached the plaza overlooking the sunken ice skating rink, and Dean finally spoke again.

"I did something," he admitted.

"What did you do?"

Dean grimaced. "Remember when I asked you if you ice skated?"

"Yes," Cas said, cringing. He knew what was coming and he wasn't excited about it.

"Uhh. Do you want to try it?"

Sighing, Cas shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, Dean..."

"That's a hard 'no', isn't it? I can tell just by looking at you."

"Well... Um."

Dean smiled. "You can say no, sweetheart. But I kind of made reservations for us down there... We don't even have to skate if you don't want to, but see that little glass hut?" he pointed. "I happen to know it's nice and warm inside. It's also full of hot chocolate and cookies, and we can see  the skaters and the tree from there."

Cas smiled. "I _am_ getting cold," he admitted.

"Let's get you warmed up then." Dean threaded their fingers together and led him down to the little hut. "So," he said as they made their way inside to check in. "This is the VIP room. Our time is at nine-thirty actually, but we're a little early," he laughed. "Normally you hang out here while you wait for your ice time. But we'll just warm up and relax for a while."

"Welcome! Skate rental! What size can I get you?" a voice called to them as they entered the main room.

"Oh right. It comes with skate rentals," Dean murmured.  "Uh, ten," he nodded to the young man with chin-length blonde hair.

"They probably don't even have my size," Cas protested.

"What size are you?"

"Fourteen."

"Shoulda known," Dean murmured. "Do you have a twelve and a half?" he asked louder.

"I think I have _one_ ," the younger man replied. "I'll be right back."

"Uh, Dean?  I said fourteen."

Dean smiled.  "I know.  You usually wear about a size, size and a half smaller in skates."  He put an arm around Cas's shoulder and guided him toward the refreshments. "Don't worry, we're just humoring them anyway," he said comfortingly. "Hot chocolate?"

Cas nodded. "Sounds good."

With two cups of hot chocolate and a small plate of cookies, they headed to one of the blue padded benches with a view of the skating rink.

"It's all so pretty," Cas sighed as he looked out at the sparkling tree and dozens of skaters making their way across the ice. He shed his black peacoat and wrung his hands in an attempt to warm them up."I didn't think they'd have skating hours this late," he pondered.

"Yeah.  'Til midnight.  Here," Dean smiled, handing him a cup. "This should warm you up a little."

"Thank you." Cas took the cup and picked up an ice-skate-shaped sugar cookie.  "This is nice,"he murmured.

"It is," Dean sighed. "But everything's nicer with you."

"Oh stop," Cas protested, trying to hide his smile. "You already have me, no need to suck up."

Dean covered his mouth as he laughed, nearly choking on the cookie he'd just bit into. "Whoa. Sassy Cas is my new favorite thing," he chortled as he swallowed. "Maybe Gabe was right about you being a smartass!"

Cas grinned. "Guess I've feeling a bit better lately."

"I've noticed.  And I'm glad," Dean smiled, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.  They sat in silence for a while, watching person after person skate by at all different skill levels.

"Twelve and a half and ten," a voice interrupted, and they both looked up to see the concierge holding up two pair of skates. "Do you want some help lacing them up? My name is Trevor, by the way. I'm sorry, I think I forgot to introduce myself."

"Thanks, Trevor. I think we're okay," Dean assured him.

"Okay. Well if you change your mind or if you have any questions, just let me know."

Cas took his skates and examined them closely. "I don't even know why this freaks me out," he sighed. "Why am I'm so bad at trying new things? There are so many things I wish my parents had encouraged me to do when I was younger. I always wanted to play sports and join school clubs, but they kept us kind of sheltered."

Dean nodded sympathetically. "Yeah. It always seems easier to learn new things when you're a kid. You take falls easier too," he smiled. He took a tentative sip from his steaming cup.

"When did _you_ learn to skate?" Cas asked.

"Hmm. I don't remember, actually. I was really young. We used to live close to an indoor skating rink when I was a kid, and my Mom used to take us skating every weekend."

Cas smiled faintly.  "So you're probably pretty good at this."

Dean shrugged. "I don't know anymore.  I used to be.  I was obsessed with skating when I was a kid; played hockey a few times a week. I was so sure I was going to be a professional hockey player," he laughed. "Then when mom died, I kind of lost interest. Haven't skated since."

Cas nodded, staring thoughtfully out the window.  "Do you really think you can teach me?"

"Cas," Dean started.  "I told you, we don't have to.  This is pretty nice just sitting here with you."

"It is," Cas agreed.  "But I can see that this was important to you, so it's important to me too.  I'll try. I mean, I'm probably not going to be any good at it, but..."

Slowly, a wide smile spread across Dean's face. "Cas, you are so sweet. Really, we don't have to."

"I want to," Cas said, taking a deep breath.  "Teach me.  How do I lace these things?" he said, picking up the skates again.

Dean smiled, shaking his head at Cas's stubborn streak.  "Alright.  If you hate it, we'll come back in," he agreed.  "Here, let me."  He knelt in front of him and took off Cas's wet shoes.  "It's not difficult, you just want them laced nice and tight..." He loosened the laces first and presented the skate to Cas to step into. "Are your toes okay?  Not squished, are they?"

"No.  There's not as much toe room as I'm used to, but they're not squished."

"Good.  That's what you want.  So you just want to lace them up nice and snug so that they support your ankles. He took his time loosening and re-tightening the laces until they were laced up almost to the top.  "How's that?"

Cas shrugged.  "Okay, I guess.  It feels snug."

"Perfect.  Oh, before I do the other one," he said, flipping the skate upside-down and taking the blade guard off.  "See how the blades are?  They have two edges.  So when you're on the ice, I want you to put most of your weight on the inside edge, okay?"

"Okay."

Dean could see the anxiety festering behind that face, but he knew Cas was headstrong once he set his mind to something."I promise we can come back in if..."

"I know, I know," Cas huffed.

Dean tried to bite back a smile.  "God, I love you, you stubborn, sassy bastard."  He finished lacing up Cas's skate and sat next to him to lace his own.  "Alright, we're just going to hobble those few steps to the door." He stood up and offered Cas his hand.

Cas wobbled awkwardly, cursing as he tried to catch his balance.  "Oh god, I can't even stand on the carpet.  How am I going to stand on ice?"

Dean smiled.  "You'll be okay.  Take a minute to get your balance.  Arms out.  Look straight ahead.  Stop looking down.  Alright, before we go out there, remember, weight on the inner side of the blade.  Now your first instinct might be be to lean way forward to balance, but don't do that. Bend your knees just slightly and keep your chest up. You want your weight balanced over the skates at all times."

Cas positioned his feet just so and bent his knees.

"Good, now just straighten up a little.  There.  Feel it?  You're balanced.  Take a few steps with me. We're going to walk over to the rubber mat there.  Now, I put your blade guards back on for inside, but when you're on the ice, you'll have more grip, okay?"

"Okay," Cas murmured uncertainly. He walked gingerly alongside Dean to the area rinkside where skaters entered and exited.

"Just walk back and forth here a bit first," Dean said, taking his arm. They took a few dozen pacing baby steps across the mat until Cas got the hang of walking.  "We're gonna do the same thing on the ice now, okay?  We're just going to practice walking first.  We'll stick to the sides so you can hold onto the railing if you need to, but try to do it without." Dean knelt and removed their guards.

Cas nodded determinedly, even though he looked visibly shaken by this horrible decision.

Dean stepped out onto the ice ahead of him and reached for his hand, and with a final deep breath, Cas timidly stepped onto the ice.

"Make your feet 'V' like a penguin," Dean murmured. "Bend your knees a little."

Cas gripped Dean's arm for dear life as he wobbled toward the railing. "This sucks," he muttered, just as he lost his balance. He nearly dragged Dean down with him, but Dean managed to get his feet under him and stopped him from hitting the ice.

"Oh yeah," Dean said softly as he caught the red-faced, frustrated scowl on Cas's face. "Also? You're going to fall. Everyone does when they're starting out. Don't get discouraged, just accept that it's part of learning."

Cas sighed and accepted Dean's help in righting himself, then clung desperately to the railing. "This is so embarrassing," he said, glaring at a pack of young children who zoomed past him.

"You're not the only one learning. I see four others on the side of the rink too. Take a deep breath."

Cas closed his eyes for a second and breathed deeply.

"Good.  Now let's start fresh. Take a step toward me. You can still reach the railing, and I have your other hand, okay?"

Cas nodded.

"Good. Arms out, and look straight ahead. Get your balance. Good.  Now get your chest up. There it is. You're balanced!  Now, remember how to keep your weight and take a little step or two."

Cas put on his brave face and stepped forward once, twice, three times.

"Yes!" Dean encouraged. "Perfect! Can you keep going?"

"Maybe..." Cas teetered forward for a few more steps.

"I think you've got it. Let's go around the side, okay?"

Slowly, they made their way around the outside of the skating rink, Cas with his arms out, trying to stay on his feet long enough to get back to the little door.

They had reached the halfway point before Dean finally spoke again. "You're doing great!  Can you do it with your arms down?"

"I... I think so." Cas put his arms down at his side and continued on, taking tiny little penguin-waddle steps.

Dean beamed. "Wanna try gliding?"

"Umm... I-I don't know."

"Give me your hand," Dean commanded. "Can you stand with your feet shoulder-width apart?"

Cas tentatively nudged his feet apart.

"Good.  Keep your legs loose but slightly bent, just like that. We're going to push off with the left foot, so turn your toe slightly to the side like this," he demonstrated. "Now put some pressure on the ice and push off."

Cas bit his lip and looked forward, giving himself a little push.  He inched forward a foot or so before panicking and flailing wildly.

"I've got you," Dean hummed, slipping a little himself as he grabbed Cas's arm to steady him. "That was good. When you start moving, glide for a second, then bring your feet back in to position, okay? I'll help you stop."

Cas huffed again and nodded, his breath shaky and somewhat labored. He looked a bit green, and Dean could see he was already getting frustrated, so he figured they'd better start making their way to the exit.  He watched Cas take a deep breath and close his eyes before trying again. This time, he managed to glide a few feet and get his feet back in position before Dean grabbed his arm.

"Good.  Good," Dean crooned.  "You're doing so well.  But you've had enough, haven't you?"

Cas nodded weakly, trying to blink back tears. "I-I'm sorry.  I'm having a p-panic attack."

"Oh shit," Dean breathed. He glanced over at the little door, which suddenly looked miles away.  He couldn't ask Cas to skate that far.  "Umm. Alright. Grab my hands," he said, moving in front of him.  "Just keep your body loose and balance, okay?"

Cas nodded, his shaky hands reaching out to grab him. "I'm sorry," he croaked again.

"Shhh, shh.  It's okay, sweetheart. Really." He shoved off with his right foot, gliding his feet as he tried to get enough momentum to pull Cas along behind him.  "Just don't let me run into anybody, okay?" he teased as he slowly skated backwards.

Cas had closed his eyes now, and a few stray tears were making their way down his cheeks as he tried not to hyperventilate, so Dean did his best to talk him through it.

"S'okay, sweetheart," he soothed. "Breathe in deep for me.  Breathe out.  Good.  In... Out.  Good.  Almost there." He continued on a few more feet until the door was within reach."I need you to let go for just a second so I can get the gate," he said softly. "You want the railing?"

Cas nodded wordlessly, and Dean let him get a grip before opening the tiny swinging gate and stepping inside. "C'mon," he said, reaching a hand out.

Cas grabbed on and Dean pulled him forward until he could easily step inside and onto the rubber mat.

"You did it," Dean smiled, wrapping his arms around him.  "Let's go sit down and relax." They teetered carefully back to their bench and Dean helped remove Cas's jacket. "Sit," he said softly.  "Just keep breathing for me while I get your skates off," he murmured. "What was it you use?  Oh! Smell the rose, blow out the candle. Deep, slow breaths, sweetheart. Do you have a pill with you?"

Cas nodded and dug his pill keychain out of his pocket as Dean worked quickly to remove his skates. He opened the tiny container with trembling hands and slipped a pill under his tongue.

"That's it. Nice, deep breaths," he whispered, sitting down next to him and holding him close to his chest. "I've got you, Cas. I've got you."

Minutes passed with Cas not saying a word, but gradually, his breathing became slow and regular again.

"You okay?" Dean asked.

A heavy sigh met him in response. "I guess. Just fucking embarrassed," Cas said, still burying his face in Dean's chest.

"Don't be. What happened? Did you panic from the skating or was this one of the random ones?"

Cas pulled back and rubbed at his eyes. "I don't know. It wasn't _skating_ in particular. Just felt really overstimulated, I guess. The whole anxiety of trying something new, then falling, all the people skating by..."

Dean frowned. "Why didn't you say something?"

Cas shrugged sheepishly, his face reddening. "I wanted to do this with you. I'm sorry it wasn't as fun as you'd hoped."

"Cas," Dean sighed, his face softening. "You're so damn stubborn. And sweet. But you don't have to do things that make you uncomfortable just to make me happy."

"I know. I always wanted to try but I was afraid to. And now I can say I tried."

"You did," Dean smiled. "And you did really well, for what it's worth. That was great for a first time."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "Well, hey, just relax here for a few.  You're probably exhausted. Let me get my skates off and I'll go get us some more cookies and cocoa."

:::::::::::::::

In the warm haze of sleepy bliss, wrapped in Dean's arms as usual, Cas stiffened, a chain of anxious thoughts suddenly running through his head.

"What's up, sweetheart?" Dean whispered, squeezing him a little tighter.

"I... I don't know," Cas lied.

Dean frowned and pulled away. " _Cas_ ," he said insistently. "Talk to me."

Cas sighed and shifted onto his back. "I was thinking about Henry."

"Oh," Dean whispered. He took a deep breath and sighed.  "I know, Cas. It sucks. I wish I could help everyone."

Cas nodded. "Me too."

"You know, when I first moved here, I had a _really_ hard time with it. I even let a stranger crash at my house and he ended up robbing me," he grimaced sheepishly. "I realize that probably wasn't the best idea... Anyway, I figure the best thing I can do is just help when I can, one person at a time. I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I _can_ help. It's hard knowing you can't help everyone though."

Cas nodded slowly. "I just can't help but think that could be me if I didn't have Gabe. Being I'm off work and sick... I just finally started getting my long-term disability payments, and it's not much. I'm getting better, but if this gone on longer, what would I have done? I see how easily things can happen..."

Dean inched in closer to him and wrapped his arm around Cas's waist, giving him a little peck on the forehead. "Well, I'm glad you _do_ have Gabe. You have me now too, and we're not going to let anything happen to you."

Cas sighed. "Dean... Did you feel bad for me?"

"What?"

"When we met. I've never been able to figure out why the hell you'd stick around..."

The breath caught in his throat as Dean stared at him, jaw agape. "Are you _seriously_ asking me if I started dating you because I felt bad for you?"he asked, not even trying to hide his offense.

Cas cringed a bit, but didn't respond.

" _No_ , Cas. I didn't. Do you really think that?"

Cas swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. I guess my depression is just playing mind tricks on me tonight." He pulled away and rolled onto his side, facing the wall.

Dean's demeanor softened as he stared at him. "Don't you dare hide from me now," he said, spooning up behind him. "Look, if you want the honest-to-God truth, I asked you out at first because I thought you were smokin' hot."

Cas snorted with laughter and rolled his eyes.

"It's true," Dean continued. "I'm not proud of it, but I had some _very_  impure thoughts as I helped you back to that employee couch."

"You're terrible," Cas said, cracking a little smile. 

Dean shrugged in agreement. "I admit it. But then we spent that first night together, and we talked so much... you opened up despite your anxiety, and I told you things I would never usually tell people on first dates. And when I fell asleep with you snuggled against my chest, it just felt... I don't know. It felt right. I spent the next few weeks trying not to call you every ten minutes, because you were all I could think about."

The smile had become wider now, though Cas tried to hide it, and Dean continued on.

"So if you doubt for one damn minute that I was head-over-heels stupid for you the moment we met, I'm just going to have to work harder to prove it to you."

Cas turned his head, grinning back at him. "Okay, okay. I believe you."

"You'd better," Dean said, shoving him roughly onto his back and smothering him in a long, lingering kiss. "I'd hate to have to tie you up again and show you how much you're wanted," he purred.

Cas swooned and pressed forward for another kiss. "Yeah," he gasped as he pulled away. "Because I'd really hate that... I'm sorry," he blurted again. "I guess I'm not _that_ much better yet."

Dean smiled tenderly. "You're having more good days than bad lately.  As long as it's two steps forward, it's okay to have one step back every once in a while.  Baby needs to tell the depression to shut it's lying mouth, okay?"

Cas nodded, the sleep-heavy, blissful look returning to his eyes.  

"You've had such a rough day.  Why don't I blow you and then you can fall asleep?" Dean crooned, completely straight-faced. 

"Dean!" Cas exclaimed, erupting in a fit of giggles.

Dean grinned. "It'll help you relax. Did you know orgasms are clinically proven to relieve the symptoms of anxiety and depression?" he winked. "Pants off. Doctor's orders."

"You don't have to..."

" _Off,_ Cas."

Cas whimpered excitedly, already fumbling with his waistband.  "Y-Yes sir."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. It's been forever. Life has been kicking my ass. On the bright side, the chapters for this one are 8-10x longer than my usual, which is why they're taking longer these days. I never intended for this one to go on so long - hell, I think I've hit 'novel' status with this one - but here we are! I haven't responded to the comments on the last chapter yet, but each one damn near made me cry. So glad you're all still liking it. Thanks, all. 
> 
> It's 3 a.m. here, I'm tired, and I'm sure this needs another minor edit, but I really wanted to publish this before I head out for a few days.

The sun was shining when Cas awoke, streaming through the apartment window, and glaring annoyingly in his face. He groaned and rolled over, reaching for Dean, but was met with a cold nothingness where a warm body once lay. He blinked hard and rubbed at his eyes, giving them a minute to adjust to the brightness before sitting up.

Much to his surprise, Dean was nowhere to be found in the tiny studio apartment.

"Dean?" Cas called, frowning as he crawled out of bed. His pants and boxers were still on the floor where he'd tossed them the night before, so he slid his shorts on and padded barefoot to the kitchen. Assuming Dean had gone out for something, he decided to pour himself a glass of orange juice and wait, but as he took a seat at the tiny bistro table, a note caught his eye.

 _Morning sweetheart,_  
_Sammy's here, but we didn't want to wake you. We're bringing home breakfast. Back soon.  
_ _Dean_

Immediately, he jumped back up and grabbed his overnight bag, then shut himself in the bathroom. _He couldn't meet Dean's brother looking like this._   Thankful that at least Sam hadn't seen him before he put pants on, he took the fastest shower of his life and then began to get dressed. He didn't want to put his club clothes on yet, so he slipped his sleep pants back on and pulled a comfy old NOFX concert tee out of his bag.  Dean always teased him when he wore his old punk t-shirts to bed. For some reason, it tickled him that straight-laced, khaki-wearing Cas was apparently a secret hardcore punk kid. He reached into his bag and swiped on some deodorant, brushed his teeth, and he sighed as he realized he'd forgotten to pack socks.

Voices were coming from the main room now, and he looked himself over in the mirror once more to be sure he looked presentable.  He wasn't sure why the thought of meeting Dean's brother was making him so nervous. Taking a deep breath, he slowly stepped out of the bathroom.

"Hey, there he is!" Dean called cheerfully.

"Hi," Cas smiled shyly as Dean pulled him close and kissed him on the cheek. In front of them stood a tall, lanky man with Dean's green eyes and dark, shoulder-length brown hair.

"Cas, I want you to meet my brother, Sam.  Sammy, this is Cas," Dean said, introducing them.

"Hey, Cas," Sam said in a gentle, soft spoken voice as he reached forward to shake his hand.  "I've heard so much about you. Seriously, Dean hasn't shut up in weeks."

"Oh!" Cas blushed, trying to figure out how to respond to that.  "I um... I hope it was good stuff at least?" he fumbled.

Sam smiled.  "All good, don't worry.  I'm sorry, I uh, should have called before I came over.  Hope I didn't wake you this morning."

Cas shook his head.  "No. Not at all, actually. I'm kind of embarrassed that I _didn't_ wake up."

Dean shrugged. "You had a rough night. And I figured it was better that you stay under that blanket anyway since you were naked."

"Dean!" Cas exclaimed, turning a darker shade of red.

Sam covered his face as he tried to stifle a laugh.

"Sorry, sweetheart," Dean said with a mischievous grin. "Not like he didn't notice your pants and underwear flung halfway across the room. It's a small apartment! Well hey, we brought back breakfast if you're hungry."

Cas slid down into a dining chair, suddenly realizing how much his muscles ached from those few minutes of skating last night. Or maybe it was just from that orgasm...

"How are you feeling this morning?" Dean asked softly.

"What?" Cas blushed again.  "Fine!  I'm fine..."

"I _meant_ , from the panic attack," Dean snorted. "What were _you_ thinking about?"

Cas covered his face with his hand and groaned. "Can I start the morning over?" he mumbled, catching a glimpse of Sam grinning in amusement.

"I told ya, Sammy," Dean said. " _Adorable_."

"Yeah, yeah. But stop picking on the poor guy and let him wake up," Sam laughed. "Jesus, Cas. You put up with him?"

Cas smiled shyly. "He's not so bad... Well, _most_ of the time."

"Smartasses," Dean muttered. "Alright, let's just eat already." He dug into the greasy paper bag and handed out their food. "I got you a breakfast sandwich meal, Cas. Hope that's okay."

"Yeah, that's great. Thanks."

"Then there's this weirdo," he said, tilting his head toward Sam and handing him the bag. "Who gets fruit and oatmeal from a fast food joint?"

Sam just rolled his eyes. "You excited about going out tonight, Cas?"

"I um... I'm sure Dean told you I'm a bit of an anxious person," he laughed nervously. "But I'm excited to see Dean in action."

"Yeah," Sam smiled. "I'm not big on going out either, to be honest, but I go every so often to see him too. He really is good, but usually I'd rather be home reading or something," he laughed. "I'm not as social as he is. I'm much more of a nerd."

"I'm sort of the same way," Cas grinned.  "And he _is_ good. I've heard a little. On CD, anyway," Cas said.  He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. "I just hope I'm not too anxious there."

"Well I should be able to leave early if we need to," Dean assured him. "And if it gets bad, Sammy can escort you outside for some air, okay? Just tell one of us."

Sam nodded.

"Yeah," Cas sighed. "I'm sure it will be fine. So, um. What do you like to read?" he asked as he turned to Sam, struggling to make small talk.

"I read a bit of everything.  Bestsellers, sci-fi, fantasy.  But mostly I read non-fiction."

"Yeah?  That's cool.  I work at a library, so I read a bit of everything too. Mostly sci-fi and fantasy for fun, but I read a lot of non-fic."

Sam's eyes widened. "You work at a library? I've been thinking about going to school for library science! Do you like it? What's it like, anyway?"

"Um..." Cas thought for a moment. "I love it. Most of the time. I like helping people find the information they're looking for. Sometimes I help out with the kids' summer reading program, and I organize guests, and community programs, and author signings.  That's fun. I really just love being around books in general."

"See?" Sam said to Dean. "I would _love_ that. I wish I had figured it out sooner instead of taking time off after high school."

Cas continued. "Of course, you're working closely with the public, which can suck sometimes too. You get the annoying regulars who practically live there, the parents who think we're a babysitting service, the genealogy lady who thinks you need to know about her entire family history... Oh, and there's always at least one guy who thinks you owe him the world since you're a public employee. You know, the 'well I pay your salary!' types?" Cas rolled his eyes.  "Overall, I _do_ love it though. Now if I just had a boss who wasn't awful..."

"Oh I understand. I have a shit boss too.  And a crappy job in customer service at the moment. It's always fun when the sole purpose of your job is doing damage control, you know?" Sam laughed.

Dean chewed his sandwich, silently looking back and forth between the two of them, happy that they seemed to be getting along.  "You know," he said, choking down his last bite, "You and Cas are a lot alike, actually...  He's into the same kinda music too, Sammy."

"I was just going to mention the NOFX shirt!"

Cas grinned, thankful for more small talk ammunition, although talking to Sam was actually easier than he had expected. He was so laid-back and easy-going, it was nearly as comfortable as talking to Dean. Of course, it probably didn't hurt that they had similar interests to discuss.

After breakfast, lunch, and a heated discussion about whether Rancid or Bad Religion was the better band, Sam declared that he'd promised to meet up with a few friends before heading to the club tonight, so Cas and Dean were left alone again to spend the rest of their lazy afternoon together.

"That was so much easier than I expected," Cas said as the front door closed.

"What do you mean?"

"Talking to Sam. I don't know why, but I was _really_ nervous to meet your brother. He seems pretty cool."

Dean smiled.  "He is. I mean, _of course_ he is. I raised him, after all," he winked. "You guys really are a lot alike.  Anyway, if you need anything at the club while I'm working tonight, just find Sammy, okay? He usually sticks around up front by the stage."

"Okay."

"Good.  Well with that, I think I'm going to go have a quick shower. Feel free to turn the TV or the radio on."

"Sure. Oh, hey. I forgot to pack socks for today. Do you have a pair I could borrow?"

"Yeah, of course," Dean nodded. "Top drawer. Help yourself."

"Thanks."

Cas took a seat on the couch and turned the TV on, checking the day's weather forecast as Dean headed off to shower.Though they weren't calling for any snow tonight, it was going to be freezing. _So much for Gabe's 'no socks' suggestion._  He flipped the TV off and began digging for a suitable pair in Dean's dresser drawer. _Wait a minute, what the hell was this?_

"Deeeean?  Do you have a dog?"

Dean grabbed a towel from his cabinet and casually began drying his hair. "What? A dog? No, why?" he yelled back through the bathroom door. After a beat of silence, the door slowly opened, and Dean stepped out. "Ohh," he grinned anxiously. " _That_."

Cas was standing at the dresser, holding a pair of socks he'd asked to borrow in one hand, and a sleek, brown leather collar in the other. His face was scrunched up in innocent confusion and Dean couldn't help but smirk.

"Nope. I definitely don't own a dog."

"So why do you have a collar?"

Dean raised an eyebrow and grinned, waiting for a moment to see if Cas would put the pieces together. When he just continued to stare, Dean finally spoke again.

"Give me that," he said, taking the leather collar from Cas's hand. "Get naked."

" _What_?"

"I'll _show_ you what it's for.  Clothes off, baby," Dean repeated. "Don't keep me waiting."

Entranced that Dean had slipped back into that demanding mode, that cool, confident demeanor that made his dick take notice, Cas slipped out of his sleep pants and boxers. It was early, and he was already shirtless from sleeping, something that finally felt normal and natural, thanks to Dean's gentle coaxing.

"Good boy," Dean breathed. "Now," he said, stepping forward and fastening the collar around his neck, chuckling a little as Cas gasped in surprise. "When the collar is on, you obey me," he said, reaching into the drawer and producing a leash, which he quickly clipped to Cas's collar.  "You are my sweet, obedient little pet, and I am your master. Understand?" he asked, tugging the leash taut. "Be good for me, and I reward you.  Disobey, and be punished."

"Holy _shit_ ," Cas breathed, utterly confused at why he found this so arousing. His dick was already standing at attention, and his mouth had gone completely dry.

"Come with me," Dean said sternly, leading him onto the bed. "Lie down."

Cas hurriedly climbed into bed and lay down, whimpering as Dean tugged on the leash again.

"Legs apart," Dean demanded.

Cas licked his lips as a sudden wave of anxiety flooded over him. He had no idea why, because he was aroused beyond belief. He looked away and took a deep breath, feeling his entire body stiffen.

Dean paused, his stern demeanor suddenly cracking. "Baaaby," he said softly. "You don't really think I would demand to fuck you like this, do you?"

"Wha... No.  No, of course not! I-I'm sorry. I don't know what happened," Cas blubbered.

"Shhh. It's okay." Dean crawled forward to unfasten the leash. "Maybe roleplay is a bit much for you."

Cas groaned and covered his face with his hand. "No.  No, I liked it. I'm surprised at how much I liked it, actually. I just..." he sighed. "I don't know what happened."

"Shh," Dean shushed again. "Don't worry about it. If you want to, we'll try it again another time." He coaxed Cas up so that he could unfasten the collar and lay down next to him. "But you don't have to. Not everyone is into it, and that's okay. "

Cas sighed again. "Why do you put up with me Dean?" he murmured.

" _Castiel Novak_ ," Dean said firmly. "For the last time, I am not _putting up with_ you. I love you, you idiot. And for what it's worth, I was only going to jerk off on your chest," he grinned. "I told you. You're going to have to make the first move for _that_. But you should know by now that I'm not going to force you into anything you're not comfortable with."

Cas nodded weakly, burrowing his face into Dean's shoulder.  "I know you wouldn't. I trust you, Dean. This whole guilt-thing is just so stupid," he groaned.  "I mean, we've done everything _but_ that, and I've been okay.  A little anxious sometimes, but okay. _"_

"I know, sweetheart," Dean whispered. "But you've come so far in such a relatively short period of time.  It's pretty amazing, really. You lived through _years_ of that programming. You don't have to get over everything all at once. I mean, you're far less anxious about being naked, and being touched. And about touching _me_ , for that matter."

"I guess so," Cas sulked. "But I really don't think anyone else would be this patient with me."

Dean tightened his arm around his waist as he tenderly kissed his forehead.  "Well, if not, it's their loss."

Cas frowned, not entirely believing Dean's words, but appreciating the sentiment anyway. "You're sweet... and  _so_ damn kinky," he suddenly giggled. "Who just has a dog collar lying around?"

Dean shrugged and grinned. "Well to be fair, the collar is new. And it's not for dogs, it's a _bondage_ collar. I was going to surprise you with it someday down the road. _If_ you seemed into it of course."

"You... Bought _that_ for _me_?" Cas fumbled, pulling away to stare at him.

"Yeah... Well, I mean... God, that sounds creepy, huh?  This guy I follow on Etsy custom-makes them. And I saw it and thought the hand-tooling was really gorgeous, and... Well I couldn't stop thinking about how you might look in it, so, uh..."

Cas's nervous tittering grew louder as Dean struggled to explain himself.

"S-so I had one made! I didn't intend on you finding it! And I wasn't even going to suggest it for a long time!"

As usual, Cas could feel his face reddening, but he couldn't help but giggle. "You are so _dirty_."

"C'mon! It's no worse than... I don't know! Buying sexy underwear or something!"

"It's a _little_ worse."

"Alright, so I'm a kinky, kinky perv!" Dean admitted. "You love it."

"I kind of _do_..." Cas simpered.  "Can I see it again?" he asked shyly, holding out his hand.

Dean smiled and reached over to the nightstand, grabbing the collar and presenting it to him.

"Oh," Cas breathed, examining it closely this time.  He ran his fingers gently over the tooled leather, blushing a bit as he read the inscribed letters that spelled out 'Baby'. "It _is_ pretty," he admitted. "If you had told me a year ago I'd ever let someone put a collar on me... and that I'd _like_ it, I'd have told you you were crazy," he huffed.

"I know. You're pretty headstrong. I love that about you," Dean smiled. "But I also love when you go all soft and submissive for me..."

Cas licked his lips and groaned softly. "I like it too," he whispered. "What other kinky things do you like?"

"Uhh," Dean laughed, "I think I mentioned most of it.  Restraints, collars, spanking, sometimes a little orgasm control... I _love_ being in control," he purred. " _But..._  every so often, I like being controlled too."

"You do?"

Dean grinned. "Mmmhmm."

"So... You'd like if I... um... controlled you?"

"Oh _god_ , yes. I mean... uh," he quickly stopped himself and laughed.  "I mean if you were into it, I would be too... Mmmm. You can pretty much do whatever you want to me, you know," he winked. "Tie me up, spank me, lock me in the cock cage and tease me... "

"Oh," Cas blushed again. "I don't think I'm bold enough to do... Well, _any_ of that."

Dean smiled. "That's okay. I'll take you any and every way I can get you," he smiled, trailing kisses up the side of his neck. "But for now," he sighed, "I guess we should get ready to go, huh?"

"Yeah. I guess we should,"Cas sighed. He stood up and tugged his boxers back on, then located his overnight bag. "Do you want in the bathroom first?" he asked.

"Nah, I'll just get changed out here."

"Okay." Cas headed into the bathroom and set his bag on the counter. The anxiety was increasing now as it was nearly time to go to the club, and every possible awkward scenario was playing out in his head on a loop: panic attacks, fainting, being awkward in front of Dean's friends. He just hoped he could survive the night.

"Okay," he whispered to his reflection in the mirror. "You can do this." Slowly, he began pulling on the slim-fitting jeans and Gabriel's borrowed shirt. They still felt weird, and if Dean hadn't acted so enamored yesterday, he probably would have just cancelled rather than wear them. He stared at his torso as he buttoned up, wondering if he'd lost a little weight or if he'd just been overly critical before, because right now, he didn't look half bad. Sure, he could pinch an inch here or there, but overall, he was in pretty decent shape. For a brief moment, he didn't hate looking at his body, and that hadn't happened in a long time.

He took a few dabs of pomade and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to make himself look casually disheveled, just like Gabriel had done the day before. Shrugging at his reflection, he washed his hands then spritzed himself with a bit of cologne before opening the door.

"Fuck, you're sexy," Dean greeted him as he stepped into the living room. "Dammit, Cas, you're trying to kill me again," he said, breathing deeply as he pulled him into his arms.  "I can't wait to show you off tonight."

Cas laughed nervously. "Don't draw attention to me," he pleaded. "I'm anxious enough."

"Hrmph," Dean grumbled.  "Okay, okay.  But I can't guarantee I won't be making out with you if I get a break..." he murmured kissing a trail up the side of Cas's neck.

"Deeean," Cas giggled weakly."Let's just go before I lose my nerve."

"Yeah, we should head out.  I've got to be there early for soundcheck."

:::::::::::::::::::

Cas scanned the mostly empty room, wondering what in the world he was so nervous about. The club was nothing special - a large room with a fancy bar along the back wall, a few tall tables for standing, and a slightly elevated stage area at the front; nothing out of the ordinary.

"So _this_ ," Dean said, leading Cas to his deejay booth, "is where the magic happens," he winked. "Just set the laptop over there."

Cas set Dean's laptop down and looked over the panels of knobs and switches. "Cripes, what do you _do_ with all of these?"

Dean laughed as he began setting up. "Oh, you'll see. Why don't you go grab a drink while I get set up?  That's Sara, the bartender. Just tell her you're with me."

Cas nodded and wandered over to the bar, thinking a drink might help to calm his nerves. With all the lights on, the club didn't look like much, but he had a feeling it would be much different once it began filling up.

Cas returned with a whiskey sour in hand and sat on the stool in the booth, watching intently as Dean fiddled with cords, connecting his laptop and controllers to the mixer and speakers.  He smiled a little as he watched, wondering why he was suddenly so damn turned on by this.  Of course, it probably didn't hurt that Dean was bent over and crawling on the floor to plug things in.   _He did have a great ass._

"Alright," Dean stood and slipped a headset mic onto his head, then pressed a button.  "Hey, Dave.  You ready to soundcheck?"

Cas waited patiently as Dean ran through a battery of sound tests with the audio technician.  Just as they finished, the lights dimmed and a series of glowing colored lights and spotlights started moving around the room.  "Whoa," he murmured, completely caught off guard.   _Now_ it was starting to look more like a dance club, and his anxiety was kicking into high gear. People were starting to make their way into the club, and within minutes, a small group of women had swarmed the stage, all clamoring for Dean's attention.

Cas hung back, letting Dean do his thing, but until now, he'd almost forgotten how popular his boyfriend really was. Hell, he was an up-and-coming DJ and producer. He was practically famous, at least here in New York, and frankly, it was a bit intimidating.

Dean looked up, attempting to flag Cas over to the circle of people, but Cas just smiled and shook his head. He'd rather quietly watch Dean in his element, even if he was feeling a slight pang of jealousy at the woman who was currently flirting with him.

Cas slumped down on his stool, pretending not to watch and feeling a bit sulky as more people strolled up to talk. Dean, of course, was the pinnacle of professionalism. He was used to the attention and gracious to to everyone who came over to talk. He took all of the flirting in stride, deflecting it in his typically charming way so as not to offend any of his fans.

Cas gritted his teeth as one particularly aggressive woman leaned into Dean's personal space, running a finger down his cheek. He couldn't quite hear what she was saying, but he didn't have to. The way she stared up at him, coyly biting her lip said it all. He scowled and sighed loudly. She was gorgeous, he supposed, if you were into that kind of thing. Unfortunately, knowing that Dean was bisexual just gave him added insecurity sometimes, even though he knew it was completely irrational. The woman flipped her hair and smiled, and Cas could almost hear her stupid giggle from his spot on the stool. He tapped his foot restlessly. Dean's facial expressions remained calm and neutral throughout this, but the woman relentlessly continued. When she asked for a selfie, Dean obliged, and just as she clicked the button, she leaned in and kissed Dean on the cheek.

That's when Cas snapped. He could feel his own damn teeth clenching as he strolled over and shoved through the crowd, anxiety be damned. He came up behind Dean and possessively slipped an arm around his waist, making him chuckle in surprise.

"Hey!" Dean grinned at him.  "There you are." He slung his arm around Cas's shoulder and quickly excused himself from the crowd.

"That's my cue," he said with his dazzling grin. "Thank you all so much, but it's almost time and I've gotta go. Hope everyone has fun tonight."

The crowd shuffled out onto the dancefloor, and the woman who had been flirting shot daggers at Cas as she turned away.

Dean grinned as the two of them shuffled back to the booth.  "What was that?"

"What was _what_?" Cas asked guiltily.

Dean rolled his eyes in amusement. "Nevermind. Almost time," he said.  "You gonna be okay?"

"I think so," Cas nodded determinedly, downing the rest of his drink. He was going to do this one way or another, even though he could already feel his heart pounding way faster than it should be. He turned away and took a long, deep breath.  _Calm down_ , he reminded himself.  _You can take your panic pill if you need... oh no._ He patted his pockets frantically, realizing he hadn't brought his keys.

"Shit," he muttered.  He was already feeling a little lightheaded and dizzy which didn't bode well, and he pondered whether or not he'd taken his pill the last few days. After nearly a decade of taking medication to keep himself stable, you'd think he'd be better at remembering to take his meds, but if it weren't for Gabriel's constant hounding, he'd forget half the time. He took another deep breath and turned back toward Dean.

The club was filling up faster now, and Dean put on some background music as they waited for the party to start.

"Oh! Almost forgot. Here." Dean fished a black plastic case out of his pocket and handed it to him.

"What's this?"

"Earplugs. Trust me.

" _These_ are earplugs?" Cas held up one of the tiny, rubber-tipped metal plugs on a cord that looked more like a set of earbud headphones than the foam earplugs he was used to.

Dean nodded. "Good ones," he laughed. "Hey... Before it gets too crazy in here, I just want to say thank you for coming. I know this isn't easy for you, and it really means a lot to me."

"Oh. It's not a big deal, Dean."

"It _is_ ," Dean insisted, stepping forward to tangle his fingers in the back of Cas's hair. "You know it is."

Cas blushed, his eyes wandering to the few hundred people who were waiting for the party to begin. "Dean, don't..."

"Shhhh," Dean grinned, "You wanna kiss me, don't you, sweetheart? In front of all these people?"

"Dean," Cas giggled nervously.

"Come on, baby. Show them all who I belong to," Dean breathed.

Cas swallowed hard and leaned in, letting Dean take control. Despite his nerves, he swooned at the way Dean's hands wandered through his hair and down his back, the way his tongue flicked across the seam of his lips, coaxing them open, the way he sucked and licked and teased his way into his mouth. The arms around his waist pulled him in tighter, and Cas found his own hands wandering, fingertips digging into Dean's back as he moaned wantonly.

For a brief moment, he almost forgot where he was, and as they pulled away, Cas hurriedly hid his face from a dozen pairs of curious eyes. They were the focal point of the room, at the front of the club, but even though he was embarrassed, Cas secretly felt a little thrill kissing Dean in front of all these people.

"Good boy," Dean hissed in his ear before turning back to his equipment.  "What's up, New York? How's everyone feeling?" he yelled into his microphone.  A cheer erupted from the room and Cas slumped down onto the stool, trying even harder to blend into the background.

"Thanks for coming out tonight! I'm Dean Ambrose and welcome to Escape!  If this is your first time here, we only have two rules: take care of each other, and have fun. Now, how many of you are excited to see Nate Cardlin tonight?"

Another cheer went up and Dean paused before continuing. "Nate is a long-time friend and he's really been a mentor to me. If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing one of his sets, you're in for a treat. He'll be on at eleven, but for now, let's get this thing started, huh?"

With that, Dean sprung into action. Cas watched in rapt fascination as he began pressing buttons and sliding levers at a frantic pace, molding the music to fit the electric atmosphere in the room. For a moment, Dean looked so intense and blissful in his own little world, that Cas startled when he glanced over to give him a wink.

As he surveyed the crowd, Cas was glad most of the people were so busy dancing that they weren't looking his direction anymore. He had never been a fan of dancing in public; it made him feel too self-conscious. Still, watching these people made him wonder what it felt like to be so uninhibited and carefree. Dean worked the crowd like the seasoned veteran he was, spinning song after song to the voracious masses, seamlessly blending each one into the next until it felt like one cohesive piece of music. There was no denying he was good at what he did, and Cas felt a swell of pride flood his chest.

As he scanned the room, people-watching yet again, his eyes happened to lock on Sam amidst the sea of people. To be fair, he was so damn tall, it was hard to miss him. Even Sam, who seemed to be on the quiet side, was having a good time; beer in hand, dancing with a group of friends.  Cas sighed, feeling a little jealous that he'd probably never experience that sort of freedom, no matter how much he seemed to want it. Unfortunately, he must have been staring, because the next thing he knew, Sam was walking toward him with a huge grin on his face.  He nodded briefly to the security guard and joined them in the booth.

"How you doin'?" he yelled.

Cas grimaced. "Okay, I guess. Little nervous. I feel so awkward," he laughed. "It's nice to see Dean work though. He's amazing, isn't he?"

Sam smiled. "Well if you're feeling brave, you're welcome to come dance with us. You've got to get the full experience from the dance floor."

Cas glanced over at Dean, still intensely focused on his work.  _Maybe he'd feel a little less awkward blending in on the floor instead of up here on this pedestal. Maybe._

"Uhhh," he took a deep breath.

"Come on! Just one song!" Sam coaxed. "We're just up front there, close to the stage."

"O-okay," Cas nodded bravely.

Sam caught Dean's attention and motioned toward the dance floor, and Dean beamed at them. He led Cas to a spot nearby, rejoining his group of friends, which had increased by a few women since he left.  Almost immediately, one of them zeroed in on Sam and began dancing, rather provocatively in front of him.

Sam glanced at Cas and shrugged sheepishly, dancing along for a moment until the girl started getting a little too hands-on. Much to her surprise, he turned away and abruptly grabbed Cas's hand, pulling him closer as if they were a couple, causing the woman to frown and storm away.

"I hate when random people touch me inappropriately," Sam yelled to Cas, who was still laughing at the woman's disbelief. "I don't care _how_ hot you are, you don't just start _riding me_ without my permission," he frowned.  "That's one thing I hate about dance clubs. You okay?"

Cas nodded. He was still anxious, but at least being near the front of the room was way better than being trapped in the middle of the crowd. Sam returned to dancing, giving Cas a little nudge to do the same. Try as he might, dancing really wasn't his forte, so Cas swayed vaguely to the music as he people-watched. The club was different from this perspective, bigger somehow, and the energy from the crowd was overwhelming. It was darker here, save for the wandering lights, which made it a bit easier to blend in.  Still, no matter how much he tried to assure himself that he was fine, he could feel the tension building in his chest, and the flutters starting in his stomach. Through sheer determination alone, he made it through the song, but as his heart rate increased, he knew he needed to get away before panic could set in.

Sam pointed him in the direction of the restroom and Cas hurried off, sticking to the outside perimeter of the room so as not to get swept up in the pulsating sea of people. It wasn't until he reached the relative quiet of the bathroom that he finally realized just how tense he had been. Looking at himself in the mirror, he looked like a pale, scared little kid.

"Jesus," he murmured to himself, dabbing his sweaty brow with some scratchy brown paper towels. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, willing his heart rate to slow, while simultaneously muttering and chastising himself for being such a freakin' baby.

"Alright.  You can do this," he whispered.  He opened his eyes and immediately yelped, spinning around in surprise to see someone watching in the mirror behind him.

"Are you okay there, sweetheart?" A petite blonde man with piercing blue eyes stood in front of him, staring with a mix of concern and curiosity.

"Oh! Yes. I-I'm fine. Thank you."

"Are you sure?" the man frowned.  "You look a little green. I'm Ryan, by the way.  And you are?"

"Ca-Cas," he held out his hand to shake. "I'm fine. I guess I'm just not a big crowd kind of person."

Ryan nodded thoughtfully. "Ahh... Not the best place to be if you don't like crowds... Hey, you were up on stage earlier. With Dean Ambrose."

"Um. Yeah, I..."

" _Tell_ me you are hooking up with that!" he gushed. "He is _too_  gorgeous!"

"Uhh," Cas blushed. "Yeah, I guess I am."

Ryan nodded his approval. "Get it, girl! But you are _entirely_ too stiff up there. And not in a good way. You're dating _Dean Ambrose_! You gotta loosen up a little! Can't you hear that music he's making out there? Dance, baby!"

Cas laughed nervously at Ryan's over-the-top enthusiasm. "I'm not much of a dancer either, I'm afraid. Just not a social butterfly I guess."

"You know what you need? You need one of these..." He reached into his pocket and pulled out an Altoids tin and held up a tiny, white tablet.

Cas frowned and attempted to check his breath with his hand. "Is that a mint? Oh god, does my breath smell?"

Ryan burst into loud laughter. "You are adorable. _Trust_ me, honey. You need this." He slipped the pill into Cas's mouth and before Cas could even register that it wasn't a mint, he had swallowed it, nearly choking as he tried to stop himself.

"What the hell was that?" Cas yelled, his voice suddenly frantic.

"Shhh. Don't fight it. It'll help you relax," Ryan said, calmly pressing a finger to Cas's lips. "Just close your eyes and listen to the music."

"But what _was_..."

"Enjoy your night, baby," Ryan winked, turning on his heel and sauntering out of the bathroom.

"Oh god," Cas gasped, heading for a stall. He had no idea what the hell he had just swallowed, but maybe he could force himself to throw it up. He'd always had a strange fear of vomiting, but the sense of panic he was feeling right now seemed to override that. After desperately choking and gagging over a toilet for a good fifteen minutes, it was obvious nothing was happening.

"No, no no..." he muttered, standing up and rubbing at his face. "What am I going to do?" Maybe, he reasoned, it was just a panic pill, like his Ativan. He _had_ said he was anxious. _Yeah, like guys were just doling out anti-anxiety medication in dance clubs. Fuck!_   _How did he even manage to swallow that?_ It all happened so fast, he didn't even have time to think straight.

A million worst case scenarios were already running through his head when he suddenly realized his entire body was warm and tingly. To his surprise, it didn't feel scary; it felt... well, it felt pretty _good_. Whatever it was, he had to make his way back to Sam and Dean.

He opened the bathroom door and slowly began making his way around the outside of the room again. He hadn't gone far before Dean's voice filled his head.

"This is my last one tonight. Thank you all for coming out! Hold on for Nate Cardlin!  This one's for Cas!"

Somewhere in his mind, he knew the sound was just coming through the speakers, but it felt different somehow, as if it were echoing in his brain. He frowned and took a few more steps, listening intently at a song he only partly recognized. It hit him all at once.

_Get it get it, get it get it, oh!_

"Oh my god." Cas felt his face flame red as the lyrics to Britney Spears' 'I'm a Slave 4 U' played atop a mixed background Dean had created. _No_. _His stupid guilty pleasure was going to have people laughing at Dean for sure._ But as he looked around, he was surprised to see that no one had even flinched. People were still dancing, some were singing along... It was almost as if they _liked_ it. A wave of relief washed over him and he laughed gleefully.

He knew it was ridiculous, but it felt like the music was coming from _inside_ his body now, like his entire body was pulsating, and each beat felt in perfect sync with his heartbeat. The feeling was intoxicating. He hurried back toward Sam and his friends, but he couldn't help dancing a bit as he walked. By the time he reached them, he couldn't stop himself. He was dancing with reckless abandon, just as he did when he was home alone.

"Holy shit," Sam greeted him. "I was just coming to look for you. Are you okay?"

"I'm good," Cas exclaimed, rolling his hips seductively, not unlike 'Britney' did in her video.

Sam shot him a peculiar look.  "Um.  Cas?  Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yessss," Cas breathed. "I feel really good, actually. Is the music coming from me? I mean... am I making the music right now?"

"What?"

"Nothing. Nevermind," Cas said, shaking his head. _No, that was ridiculous._ What the hell was wrong with him? His head felt a little funny but otherwise he couldn't _ever_ remember feeling this relaxed and yet somehow  _ecstatic_ at the same time. _What had Ryan slipped him?_  He was giggling for no good reason as he danced, hyper-aware of his own body, but also of those around him.  Anxiety had always made him feel self-conscious, but this was totally different. He was _enjoying_ this. _Somehow_. None of it made sense. Usually he wanted people to leave him alone, but right now, he wanted to touch them, feel them, hug them.

"Sam?" he yelled suddenly. "Thanks for taking care of Dean.  He loves you _so_ much." And without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around Sam in a huge bear hug.

"Wha... Um.  Thanks, I think? Cas?" He gave him a quick pat on the back, trying not to hurt his feelings, but also feeling pretty damn awkward. "Did you take something?"

"No? What did you lose?"

"Oh fuck," Sam muttered, rolling his eyes at Cas's wide-eyed sincerity.  "No.  A pill, Cas.  Did you take something?"

Cas nodded as he pulled away.  "Not intentionally. Ryan shoved it in my mouth and I accidentally swallowed it.  I tried to puke it up but I couldn't. How did you know that?"

"Wait, what? Who's Ryan?" Sam was frowning, straining to hear over the music.

"Hugging you feels weird. I mean, it's good-weird," Cas babbled. "It's like you're... electric. It feels _amazing_."

Sam nodded knowingly as the pieces finally starting to click into place. "Yeaaah. Cas, can you come with me to the bar?"

"I guess so."

Sam grabbed his arm and led him right through the middle of the dance floor. As they wound their way through the crowd, bumping elbows and bodies with a few party-goers, Cas couldn't stop laughing.

"You're electric too!" he yelled at a petite blonde-haired woman who wrinkled her nose at him.  "Sam, she feels electric too!"

" _Come on_ , Cas," Sam yelled, tightening his grip on Cas's arm.  They slowly made their way to the bar where Sam directed him to a stool.  "Sit," he commanded.

"But I want to dance!"

"Just sit still for a minute. Can I get a bottled water?" Sam asked the bartender.  He handed Sam an icy cold bottle which Sam uncapped and handed to Cas.  "Drink."

"What?  Why?" Since most of the speakers were in the front of the club, it was easier to hear back at the bar, and Cas was happy to have a break from yelling.

"Just drink. I think someone slipped you ecstasy, Cas. You're hyper, talking fast, sweating profusely, you look all... I don't know.  Blissed out.  You'll be fine, just drink so you don't get dehydrated, 'kay?"

"Oh."   _Ecstasy?_   _Holy shit._ Cas had never even been much of a drinker, and he sure as hell had never done any non-prescription drugs. "Sam?" he asked, a pang of worry suddenly piercing his euphoric haze.

"Hmm?"

"I'll really be okay?"

Sam nodded.  "Yeah, buddy.  You'll be fine. Just keep drinking. Little sips. Dean should be about done, so I'll find him for you, alright?" He pulled his phone out of his pocket and typed out a quick text message.

"Okay. I feel _so_ good," Cas sighed. "I've never felt this happy and relaxed. I just want to dance and touch _everything._ Everything feels  _incredible_ ," he murmured, gliding his hands across the cool, smooth surface of the bar.

"Yeah," Sam laughed. " _Definitely_ ecstasy. Just hang on until Dean gets here and you can touch away," he grimaced, reaching into his jacket pocket. "Here."

"What's that?"

"Gum," Sam said, handing him a pack of grape flavored bubble gum. "You're grinding your teeth. Chew it," Sam instructed as he glanced at his phone. "Dean will be here in a minute."

Cas took a piece of the bubblegum and shoved it in his mouth, then handed the package back.  Now that he stopped to think about it, his jaw _did_ feel pretty stiff. He made a face as he took a few chews, nearly choking on his saliva at the intensity of the grape flavor, but he powered through it since Sam seemed to know what he was talking about.  Nate was up on the stage now and the music was still pulsing and echoing through his body, and he found that he couldn't resist swaying and bobbing his head.  It was as if he and the music were the same pulsating entity and he couldn't stop moving. He took another sip of his water and stood so he could dance again.

Through the crowd, he could suddenly see angry Dean's face making it's way toward him as he parted the sea of people.

"What the hell happened?" he yelled at Sam, spinning Cas around to look at him

"Hey, don't bitch at _me_!" Sam fired back. "He said someone shoved it in his mouth and he tried to puke it back up."

"Deeean," Cas grinned, wrapping his arms around him. "Ohhhh. You feel electric too!" He wrapped himself around Dean's body, nuzzling against his chest. "You feel soooo good."

Sam tried hard to hide a snort of laughter as Dean looked up at him. "Go take care of your boy." He handed Dean the remaining pack of gum.  "He's gurning a little.  Not too bad, but I made him chew and drink."

Dean sighed. "Thanks, Sammy. Cas, who gave you that pill?"

"Some guy. In the bathroom," Cas answered, clinging even tighter.  "He caught me off guard. I didn't mean to swallow it, Dean! But right now, I'm kind of glad I did. Do you know I just walked right through the crowd? Right through the middle! And I feel like I can talk to anyone!" he exclaimed. "It's so weird!"

"Good.  Good job, Cas," Dean frowned, prying himself away. "Come on.  Let's go home, okay?" He slipped his arm around Cas's elbow and tugged, but Cas dug his heels in.

"Nooo. Dance with me, Dean. I can't believe you played Britney Spears! For me. You made that song just for me. You're amaaazing. I need to touch you again. Can I touch you? No, wait, _you_ touch _me_..." Cas realized Dean was giving him a strange look. He also knew he was talking a lot, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Um. Well if you got this, I think I'm gonna head home," Sam interrupted.

"Yeah," Dean nodded.  "You still crashing at my place tonight?"

"Nah. I think you're gonna have your hands full," Sam laughed.  "It's still early, so I think I'll drive home and still have time for a bath and a book before bed.  You still coming to dinner on Tuesday?"

"Of course. See ya soon, Sammy. Thanks again."

Sam smiled and turned around leaving Cas in his capable hands.

"Cas.  Sweetheart.  Come home with me. We can dance there if you'd like, and we'll cuddle on the bed.  Please."

"We can cuddle?"

Dean nodded.

"Will you touch me? I just want to be held. No, I want to hold you."

"Of course. Whatever you need. Let's just go."

"Okay. Dean? I have a secret," Cas said, wide-eyed and suddenly serious.

Dean frowned again.  "Okaaaay.  Is it something you want to tell me?"

"Mmmhmm. It's weird, but I feel kind of horny," Cas giggled, entirely too loud and making several heads turn in his direction.

"Ohh!" Dean burst into hysterical laughter.  "Come on, baby. We'll figure this out at home.  I've already loaded up the van. Let's go."

The ride back to Dean's apartment felt much longer than it should have in Cas's opinion.  He somehow managed to keep his hands off of Dean so that he could drive, but he was craving touch so much it was difficult. He was strangely horny too, so that wasn't helping matters, but as they finally set foot in Dean's apartment for the evening, Cas's resolve crumbled.

"Please, Dean. Can I hug you now?" He was nearly in tears he wanted it so badly.

"Of course. Kick your shoes off," Dean said softly. He stepped forward and slowly unbuttoned Cas's shirt, letting it slide down his shoulders and fall to the floor. The stiff, slim-fitting jeans were next, then he bent to remove Cas's socks before coaxing him onto the bed. He stripped down to his boxers as well, flipped the stereo on for some noise, and lay down next to him.

"Ohhh. The music is so good," Cas gushed.

"I know," Dean said softly. "Come here, baby. Get on top of me."

Cas giggled and crawled on top of him, moaning at how good the skin-on-skin contact felt. "Feels so gooood," he purred. "Dean, I feel so good right now I might cry. You're not mad at me, are you?  You've been kind of quiet."

"No," Dean sighed. He wrapped his arms around Cas's torso, then began stroking firmly up and down his back, making him moan and arch his back."I'm not mad at you. I'm just a little worried tonight. I wouldn't freak out as much if you'd decided to take it yourself, but I'm pissed that someone forced it on you. Who gave you that pill, Cas?"

"I don't know.  His name was Ryan. He told me I needed to loosen up and dance."

"Ryan... Blonde? Kinda short? Probably dressed like a preppy tool?"

Cas laughed.  "Yeah. Sounds like him."

"Oh, I'm gonna kick his tiny ass," Dean grumbled.  "On the bright side, he probably gave you pure stuff. If you were gonna get it from anyone, it's good it came from him." He sighed a little in relief. "He has a good rep for ecstasy, anyway. That stupid fuck..."

"Mmmmm," Cas rubbed his face against Dean's neck and frantically began kissing him. "It _was_ a little scary," he admitted. "I panicked and tried to vomit, but I couldn't. But then I started feeling _really_ good. It's like all my anxiety just vanished and I relaxed!  And the _music_ , Dean! It's vibrating through my body."

"Mmmhmm.  Just relax and enjoy it for now, sweetheart," Dean said as he continued to rub up and down his body. "The high doesn't last too long."

"How long?"

"Couple hours, usually."

"Oh... Dean, I'm still horny," Cas blurted.

Dean burst into a fit of laughter. "I've noticed..."

"I bet blowjobs feel _really_ good like this."

Dean grinned, slapping a hand to his face in surprise. "I bet they do too. You're lucky. I can't keep it up if I take E."

Cas's eyes grew wide  and his jaw dropped, almost making him lose his gum."You've taken this before?"

"Uh. Well, yeah," Dean grimaced. "I have a few times. I don't anymore but when I was younger and starting out in the club scene, I did on occasion."

"Oh."

"I would always crash hard after, though, so it's not worth it to me."

Cas frowned down at him as he adjusted his position, trying to get as much skin contact as possible.

"Am I going to crash?"

"I don't know, Cas. Maybe."

"I don't want to crash. It all feels so incredible. Dean? We should have sex. Right now."

" _What_?"

"I bet it feels _amazing_."

Dean shook his head and smiled. "Not tonight, sweetheart."

"Oh...You don't want to have sex with me?" Cas asked, his eyes suddenly welling with tears.

"Cas, you know thats not true," Dean huffed. "Of course I want to.  But earlier you got all anxious when I told you to spread your legs."

"But," Cas protested. "I didn't mean it then! I'm not sure what happened!  Please, Dean?" He rolled his hips, grinding away as he tried his best to convince him. "Doesn't this feel good?"

"That, mmm. Th-that feels great, Cas."

"Mmmhmm. Wouldn't it feel better inside me?"

"F-fuck," Dean gasped. "Cas... You're not... ohhh... ready."

"Please. Fuck me, Dean." Cas's voice had gone breathy and deeper than usual, his eyes wide and pleading. "I'm ready. _Now_." He bucked his hips faster in frustration.

Dean pursed his lips and took a shaky breath through his nose. "No, baby. Not tonight."

"I need it, Dean. You _know_ you want to fuck me. Please. I'm so horny."

"C-Cas!" Dean exclaimed. "I'm not going to..."

"Pleeease!" Cas was nearly in tears at Dean's soft rejection. He was already pressed tightly to Dean's body, but he needed _more_ closeness."I _need_ you. I can't get enough of you. _Pleeease_ ," he whined. "I'm not out of it, I feel like I'm thinking more clearly than I ever have in my life!"

"I know. But _no_. I'm not... Dammit," Dean grumbled. He muscled Cas onto his back, pinning him to the bed. "I'm not fucking you like this."

"But Deeeean."

"Baby," Dean warned as he began grinding him into the mattress. "You'll get off like this or not at all, understand?" he growled firmly.

Cas hissed in pleasure and pulled him as close as possible, writhing and moaning as Dean rubbed against him. He was so delirious with need, feeling a bit weepy and overstimulated in the best possible way. Every time Dean kissed or licked or nibbled at him, he shivered at how sensitive his skin had become. The music was still playing, and it still felt as if it were coming from inside him somehow, coursing through his veins, syncing with his heartbeat. His body was so warm and tingly, especially with Dean on top of him, and though he was horny, it was more about the closeness and emotional connection than getting off.

"Sooo good," he purred, nuzzling Dean's cheek.  " _God_ , it feels so good. I love you, Dean.  Ohhhh. I love you. I need you so much... mmmm." Cas knew he was babbling, but he couldn't stop gushing about _everything_.

Dean grunted and moaned, quieting Cas's uncontrollable chattering by roughly kissing him. "You must be rolling pretty hard. I've never heard you talk so much," he chuckled. "Less talking, more kissing."

Cas just giggled and kissed back, enjoying the impromptu makeout session as they rolled around on the bed rutting against each other.

"Dean?" he blurted suddenly. "I-I'm sorry. I don't think it's going to happen."

"S'okay, baby. Like I said, it's difficult for me too if I take ecstasy. I uh... I'm really close though. Is it okay if I... uh. Mmm..."

Cas wedged his hand between them and shoved it down Dean's shorts, simultaneously coaxing him onto his back. It didn't take much to finish him off with his hand, and as Dean's body shuddered, Cas's thoughts wandered to how much he adored this incredible man who had given him so much over the last few months.

"Cas?" Dean gasped. "What's wrong?"

Cas shook his head. "Nothing."

"You're crying."

"It's... It's a good cry. I just love you so much," he sighed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying."

"Aw, baby," Dean smiled, still trying to catch his breath."You're so cute.  All weepy and clingy.  I love you too, sweetheart. Just let me clean up, and we'll snuggle some more, okay?"

Cas nodded, and Dean waddled off to the bathroom to clean up and put on a fresh pair of boxers.

"Okay," he said, exiting the bathroom and grabbing a bottle from the refrigerator.  "First, drink some more water." He strolled back and handed Cas another cold bottle and waited for him to drink.

"Good.  And did you swallow your gum?  Let me get you some more."  He picked his pants up off the floor and dug in his pockets for the pack of gum Sam had left him, and handed Cas a piece.  Cas frowned, but shoved the gum in his mouth, gagging again at the taste as Dean chuckled.

"Tastebuds are all fucked up, huh?"

Cas nodded as Dean climbed back into bed.

"Alright.  Now get in here." He held his arms open and Cas immediately latched onto him."That's better," he sighed happily. "I'm so glad you're okay," he murmured.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Lots of reasons. I'm glad that pill was relatively safe. I'm glad you didn't have a drug sensitivity. I'm glad it didn't seem to interact with your other meds... I'm surprised you felt it at all on antidepressants, actually. Maybe you haven't been taking them long enough or something."

"Oh. Well I definitely feel something."

"I can tell," Dean laughed.

"I forgot to take my pill the last few days.  Maybe that has something to do with it too.  I think I'm starting to come down though."

"Good."

"It's weird," Cas pondered. "I always thought it would make me feel slow and out of it, but I think I actually feel sharper."

Dean nodded. "In some ways, you are. It heightens your senses. Makes colors and flavors and sounds seem much more intense. It's like you're calmer, and more alert at the same time." He smiled as Cas nuzzled against his chest again. "The lovey, touchy part is nice though, huh?"

"Mmmhmm," Cas hummed. "S _o_ nice."

Tenderly, Dean ruffled his fingers through the back of Cas's hair, watching him shiver with pleasure.

"Okay, baby. Let's just listen to the music and rest until this passes," Dean murmured, softly kissing his forehead.  "It probably won't be much longer."

Cas snuggled in close and closed his eyes. As good as he was feeling, he was ready for this little adventure to just be over already. There was no way in hell he could sleep right now, but he was finally happy to just sit still and let the sound of Dean's heartbeat ground him.

It was nearly two hours later before either of them spoke.  Dean kept dozing off and on, and Cas was content to just lie there and listen to his breathing.

"How are you feeling?" Dean's sleep-husky voice finally asked.

"Fine. I think it's pretty much over. I feel exhausted but I can't sleep."

Dean nodded tiredly and hugged him a little tighter."I'm sorry, sweetheart. I hate to tell you this, but you might feel shitty and a little depressed later on too. Maybe you'll luck out, but if not, we'll get through it together, okay?"

Frowning with worry once again, Cas sighed and rolled onto his back. "This wasn't how I expected the night to go. I guess it was kind of nice not feeling so anxious around all those people for a change, at least. I wanted to hug random _strangers_. Isn't that weird?"

"Not really, since you took ecstasy," Dean laughed. "Tonight wasn't what I expected either.  I'm just glad it went relatively well, all things considered."

Cas nodded in agreement.

"Still, no more recreational drugs for you. God, begging for me to _fuck you_ like that..."

Cas giggled and shot Dean a sloppy grin.  "It really wasn't just the drugs talking, you know," he purred, languidly stretching his arms up over his head. "I don't think it really affected my judgement much. It'slike... it just made me feel..." Cas struggled to find the words. "All of the things I did or said were things I always wanted to do. I just felt more open to doing or expressing them. I mean, I _wanted_ to dance and talk to people, but I was too anxious earlier. It just made all of that easier. If that makes sense," he added.

"Not a bit," Dean deadpanned. He grinned at Cas's awkward laugh. "Nah, I know what you mean. It's hard to put into words."

"Yeah. And I usually wouldn't be so blunt..."

"That's for _damn_ sure," Dean snorted. _"Dean! Fuck me! You know you want to!"_ he mimicked."Fuck's sake, Cas! I knew there was a bad boy in there somewhere, but you damn near killed me talking like that."

Cas giggled and covered his face.  "Maybe you should have just done it the first time I asked, and then I wouldn't have had to taunt you," he said coyly.

"Holy _shit_.  Keep talking like that and I will."

"Mmm," Cas grinned and bit his bottom lip .  "Dean... I don't know what happened earlier today. With uh.  The collar and stuff. I'm not really scared of... I mean, I'm pretty comfortable with things now and I _want_ to..."  He sighed, trying to unravel the thoughts in his head.  "It was just like...  I don't know, a flashback?  It just _happened_ , like a weird sort of reflex. I hope you know I wasn't _scared_ of you. Or of... uh,  _sex_."

"Hey. How many times have I told you to stop apologizing?" Dean asked, propping himself on one elbow to run his fingers through Cas's hair. "Stop stressing about it.  We have plenty of fun without the sex. That'll happen when it happens."

"I know..."

Dean gave him a lopsided smile as a memory popped into his head. "You were so cute tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"When you got all jealous."

"What?  When?" Cas sputtered, his face burning as he knew damn well what Dean was talking about.

"You _know_ what I'm talking about." Dean's smile widened. "I saw you storm over out of the corner of my eye. You shoved right through the crowd and put your arm around me like you were staking your claim," he teased.

"I-I did not! I mean, it wasn't like that."

"It _so_ was. And I have no idea why I found it so sexy."

Cas rolled his eyes and turned his face away, embarrassed at how needy that must have looked.

"You know you have nothing to worry about, right?"

"I know. It's not like I don't trust you or anything.  My anxiety was just working overtime."

Dean smiled. "I could tell.  I'm so proud of you for going, you stubborn bastard. Look, I know this whole thing is weird. For whatever reason, my job gives me this strange...," he paused, wrinkling his nose.  "I don't know.   _Minuscule_ level of celebrity.  For whatever reason, people are compelled to come up and talk to me.  It's totally weird, and I'm still not entirely used to it, but it is what it is.  And yeah, I won't lie... people flirt with me sometimes. In terms of building my career, as long as they're not rude or disrespectful, I'm polite to them. But I promise you, you have nothing to worry about."

Cas smiled. "You're sweet. You were _amazing_ up there, you know. Watching you do your thing made me feel all proud and even more possessive..." he grimaced.  "It's easy to see why people are drawn to you. You're gorgeous, you're charismatic...  You can just _see_ how much you love your work, and you're just... Well, frankly, you're like a fucking _god_ up there," he gushed. "I still have a hard time believing you want to be with _me_ sometimes."

Dean's brow wrinkled into a severe crease as he frowned. "Oh, Cas.  Thank you, but that low self-esteem of yours has got to go," he sighed.  He rolled over and reached toward the nightstand, returning with the collar from earlier in his hand. "Here."

"What?" Cas ran his fingers over the rich, dark leather once again, trying not to smile at how ridiculous it was that he enjoyed the thought of wearing it.

"Hold on." Dean rolled back over and rifled through the nightstand drawer. "You didn't even see the best part yet," he murmured. He held up a little silver charm, which he clipped to the front loop on the collar.

"What's that?"

Dean just shrugged and grinned.

"Property of Dean Winchester," Cas read aloud from the little round dog tag. "Oh," he simpered self-consciously. "Dean..."

"Let me put it on you, baby" Dean said in a throaty whisper.

Cas sat up, wide-eyed and oddly aroused at the thought of wearing the collar again. He tried to swallow, but his mouth had gone dry at the icy intensity of Dean's stare. As the strap of leather fastened around his neck, a whimper rose up in his throat and he felt his entire body go submissively slack.

"Good boy," Dean murmured. "Don't you ever think that I don't want you, Castiel Novak. If I haven't made that clear yet, I obviously need to work harder."

"N-no," Cas stammered. "It's not your fault. I know you do. It's just the anxiety talking."

Dean nodded. "...That looks so good on you," he breathed, running a finger over the front of the collar. "Do you like it?"

Cas chewed nervously at his bottom lip and grinned, still somewhat confused as to why he liked this so much. It _was_ practically a damn dog collar, after all. Maybe it was the taboo, or the slight naughtiness of it that was exciting... The thought of being 'owned' by Dean was a major turn-on.

"Good. In that case, you'll be wearing it a lot more," Dean winked. "You're going to wear it until we leave the house tomorrow, understood?"

Cas nodded shyly.

"That's my boy. I think you've had a big enough adventure today, though, so I'm just going to spoon you until you drift off. _Try_ to get some sleep, anyway."

"Okay." Cas assumed the proper cuddling position and Dean slipped in behind him, wrapping his arm around his waist.

"Night, baby. I love you...  By the way, you had some sweet moves out on the dance floor tonight."  
  
"What?" Cas covered his head and groaned, curling himself into the fetal position.  "You saw that?"  
  
"A little bit," Dean grinned. "Once you're rested up and feeling better, I'm going to demand a private show."  
  
Cas tried not to laugh, but he was tired and the ridiculousness of the evening was finally starting to sink in.  "Shut _up."_  
  
"You're so cute," Dean chuckled.  "Night, baby."  
  
"Night, Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification, Cas probably wouldn't have felt much taking E while on antidepressants... I really didn't plan on letting this much time pass in between then and now but I'd already written this scene, soooo... Can we pretend it's because he hasn't been on his meds that long, coupled with not taking his pills for a few days? Sure. ;)


	14. Chapter 14

Gabriel stared out his bedroom window, watching the snow as it fell heavily from the sky. The area was under yet another snowstorm warning, and he was worried sick waiting for Cas to get home.

He hadn't seen his baby brother in almost a week, and while he enjoyed having some time to himself, he actually missed having someone to fuss over. Cas had been at Dean's place all week long, both at his apartment in the city and his house across town. He'd been considerate enough to check in occasionally via text, but Gabriel was dying to know how his night at the club had gone.

With the icy roads and multiple reports of traffic accidents, Gabe was pacing as he waited for Dean's van to pull into the driveway, so when he finally heard the crunch of tires on the snow, he breathed a sigh of relief. All these years and he still worried whenever Cas was out in snowstorms. He retreated back to his kitchen and began slicing a french baguette from his bakery, humming softly to himself as he heard Cas's front door open and shut. Slathering each slice with some garlic butter, he arranged the bread slices on a tray and popped them into the oven, then waited just a few more minutes before picking up his phone and dialing Cas's number.

"Hey Gabe," Cas greeted him.

"Hey, Cassie. You wanna come up? I made dinner. Cheese lasagna!"

"Uhh..."

Gabriel's front door suddenly opened and Cas came strolling in with Scout purring happily in his arms.

"I was already on my way," he smiled, shutting off the phone. "How's it going? Thanks for looking after my cat, by the way."

"Good, good. Nice of you to pencil us in for a few minutes, huh, Scout?" Gabe said sarcastically. "I barely recognize you! How long as it been now? Six months? A year?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "Shut up. Sorry, I didn't plan on staying so long. I had a few rough days and Dean insisted on taking care of me."

Gabriel frowned as he opened the oven door and pulled out his garlic bread. "Rough few days? You've been doing so much better lately. What happened?"

"Uhhh. It's a long story," Cas said, setting Scout on the floor. "I'll tell you over dinner. I'm just gonna use the bathroom first."

"Okay. " Gabriel finished the final preparations for dinner, setting the table and tossing a little dressing on his salad as he waited for Cas to return. He cut into the lasagna and lifted out a large portion, handing the plate to Cas just as he slipped back into his dining chair.

"So..." he started, "Tell me how your night out went first."

Cas took a deep breath and sighed. "Well... I did okay. I mean, I did alright for an hour or so. Then I started getting really anxious, and I thought I might have a panic attack. So I went to the restroom to calm down."

Gabe nodded sympathetically. "Did you have an attack?" he asked, turning toward the cupboard to pour a small dish of cat food for Scout.

"No... Um. Someone slipped me some ecstasy."

"What?" Gabriel spun around on his heel and frowned. "Slipped it to you? How? Did Dean give it to you?"

"No, it wasn't Dean! God! Some guy in the restroom. I'm so freakin' naive I thought it was a mint at first. How stupid is that? Anyway, he kinda shoved it in my mouth and somehow I swallowed it before I even realized what had happened."

"Fucks sake!" Gabriel yelled angrily. He slammed his plate down on the table as he took a seat across from him. "Lucky I wasn't there. I would have kicked his ass!"

Cas smiled faintly. "Yeah. It _was_ kinda shitty. But I was okay. I mean, honestly, it _did_ help me loosen up," he laughed. "And Dean and Sam made sure I was hydrated and chewing gum to stop me from chewing up the side of my cheek... it was a hell of an experience, that's for sure."

"I'll bet. So what happened?"

"Not much. I danced a little, believe it or not. It was totally weird. I wanted to touch and hug _everything_. Then Dean took me home and made me lie down for a while until it passed. I was fine, really. But I crashed really hard the next day... and the next few days, to be honest. I was pissy and depressed and I just felt like shit. Don't worry, Dean mother-henned me to eat and take my meds. He's as bad as you."

"Good..." Gabriel grumbled. "I just hope this doesn't screw up your progress."

"Nah, I feel fine now." Cas took a bite of his lasagna and hummed happily. "You know, Dean's taken me to a few fancy Italian places, but no one's lasagna even comes close to yours..." He paused, noticing a white bakery box on the counter. "You're happy to have me home, aren't you?"

"What?"

"My favorite dinner, what looks to be a box of my favorite chocolate-peanut butter cupcakes... you _missed_ me," Cas taunted.

Gabriel rolled his eyes and snorted. " _Please_. Do you know how many times I got laid while you were away?"

Cas just grinned and took another bite of his lasagna. "Doesn't mean you didn't miss me the rest of the time."

"Oh fuck off." Gabriel took a long sip from his glass of Pepsi, trying to hide a sheepish grin. "So you're feeling better?"

Cas shrugged. "I feel like I did before I left, yeah."

"Good. I know you're still having some rough patches, but I can tell you've been improving lately... Of course, you could just be all lovesick and shit. _Deeeean_!" he mock-swooned. "He's so _dreamy_!"

"Shut up," Cas grinned. "Yeah, it's definitely been better. I go back to Dr. Mitchell just before Christmas. She's probably going to start talking about getting me back to work," he sighed.

"You don't feel ready yet?"

"I don't know. Not quite. Maybe? I'm just kind of dreading it. I'm not ready to face my stupid boss again. She's the sole cause of my anxiety some days, you know?"

Gabriel nodded sympathetically and cut another piece of lasagna for each of them. "She _is_ kind of psycho. Maybe it's time to start looking for a new job."

"I can't," Cas sighed. "Do you know how hard it is to find another position like mine? Unless I start working in the city, I guess, but I'm not sure my anxiety could handle that. Besides, I _love_ my job, it's just her that makes me miserable."

"People don't quit jobs, they quit bosses," Gabriel sighed. "You could always come work in the bakery with me," he winked. "I could use your pie making expertise. And I'm a great boss."

Cas laughed and shoveled another bite into his mouth. "Well, you're _bossy_ , that's for sure."

"Smartass." Gabriel shot him a withering look.

"Anyway, I'll be okay. I'm just not ready yet. And then the whole going back and having people asking why I was off and stuff... I don't want to talk about it."

"So don't. It's not their business."

"I guess," Cas sighed again. Just _talking_ about work was making him anxious, so he quickly changed the subject. "So, how many times _did_ you get laid while I was away?"

Gabriel snorted with laughter. "I don't know. Lost track," he winked.

"You're horrible. Where do you find these women?"

"Hey, don't be so sexist! There is nothing wrong with a woman who enjoys casual sex! Men aren't judged the same way for sleeping around, why should women be?"

Cas shrugged. "I'm not judging them for having sex. I'm judging them for having it with _you_ ," he said as a wide, gummy smile spread across his face.

"You're _such_ an ass." Gabriel shook his head and picked up a slice of garlic bread, then flung it at Cas's chest.

" _Now_ aren't you glad I'm home?" Cas giggled uncontrollably.

Gabriel stood and began clearing their plates from the table. "Yeah, Cassie. Even when you're a pain in my ass," he smiled, giving Cas's hair a quick tussle.

As much as he'd enjoyed being with Dean all week, Cas had to admit it felt good to be home. Any residual stress and anxiety he'd been feeling melted away as soon as he walked in the door. He'd been in sensory overload for so long, that the comfort and the familiarity of his 'safe place' did much to calm his frazzled nerves.

"Really, thanks for dinner," he said, sobering. "Feels good to be home. Well, hey, you cooked, let me do the dishes."

"Nah," Gabriel stopped him. "I'll do 'em. Go to the living room and hang with your cat," he said, staring down at the expectant feline who hadn't left Cas's side since he sat down to eat. "She missed you. I brought her up here for a few days and let her hang out. She didn't seem to mind. Oh, and by the way, did you know women love a guy with a cat?"

Cas scowled and bent to pick Scout up, nuzzling her face against his. "Was that bastard using you to get himself laid? Come on," he murmured, sighing happily at the purring bundle of fur as he retreated to the living room.

Even the hideous purple velvet couch felt comfier than usual as he fell into it, and he haphazardly sprawled out while Scout curled up on his stomach. Tucking a few couch pillows behind his head, he closed his eyes and breathed in, allowing himself to relax completely for the first time in days. He couldn't even bring himself to sit up when Gabriel entered with a tray of tea, coffee, and his favorite cupcakes.

"You look exhausted," Gabriel noted as he sat down in the chair across from him.

"I kind of am. It's a good exhaustion though. We went to the club, a few restaurants. I met Dean's brother, Sam. Oh! And I saw the Rockefeller Christmas tree, and we went ice skating... And I accidentally took ecstasy. It was a big, exhausting week, but I'm glad I went."

Gabe smiled. "Me too, Cassie. Wait, _you_ went ice skating? What happened to your whole fear of ice?"

"Uh. Well, Dean had already booked ice time for us, so I thought I'd at least try it. Honestly, I had a panic attack halfway across the rink and Dean had to practically drag me back. Still, I did it for a while! Maybe I'll get brave enough to try again someday."

"Wow," Gabriel marveled. "I could never even get you out on the ice."

Cas shrugged nonchalantly. "I probably wouldn't have tried if he hadn't booked it already. I mean, he said we didn't have to. It was nice just going inside to warm up and watch the skaters for a bit."

"Yeah..." Gabriel stared for a few moments, just long enough for Cas to feel a bit unsettled.

"What?"

"I don't know. This whole relationship thing has been really good for you. You've come out of your shell so much. Even when you were feeling good before, you were still scared to try new things."

"Well, I'm _still_ scared."

Gabriel nodded. "But you try anyway. It's a big improvement."

"I guess."

"I'm just saying, it's so good seeing you loosen up. Meeting Dean has been really good for you."

Cas smiled. "It has. I guess it pays to be social once in a while, huh? And to hang out with people who are pretty much the complete opposite of you... I'm staying home this weekend though. I can't imagine partying every week. It's exhausting."

"It is," Gabe laughed. "Even _without_ anxiety. Well, hey. What's Dean doing for Christmas? You should invite him over. I'll cook a big dinner, we'll exchange gifts, it'll be nice."

Cas shrugged. "I don't know. We haven't really talked about it yet. I imagine he'll be spending part of it with his brother though. They're really close."

"Ah, right. Well invite him too. What's his name? Sean?"

"Sam."

"Right, Sam. Well, they're both welcome if they want to. No pressure. Wait. I mean, you _were_ planning to be here at least for a bit, right?"

"Of course."

"Cool... You wanna come with me to pick out a tree in the morning?"

"Sure. Sounds good," Cas said, finally sitting up now that Scout had wandered away. He picked up his cup of tea and took a sip, happily finding it had been prepared, as usual, just the way he liked it. He settled back against the cushions with a cupcake, and took a too-big bite.

"You know," he said around a mouthful of chocolate, "You're pretty good to me too."

"I know," Gabriel smirked. "So. Are you hitting that yet?"

" _Fuck_ , Gabe!" Cas sputtered.

"No? Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. Go get yourself some already. Jesus, _I'm_ practically falling in love with the guy!"

"I... I might. Soon."

"Yeah?" Gabriel grinned.

Cas nodded, red-faced. "I don't know why I've been so nervous..."

"Well, you've had plenty of reasons. But good for you, bro. You'll be just fine. Do you need anything else, supply-wise? I'm not totally in the know on dude-sex."

"Wha... _No!_ I... I think you picked me up enough _supplies_! How do you even _know_ about... _that stuff_ anyway?" he frowned.

Gabriel laughed at his brother's timid demeanor, and the look of abhorrent disgust on his face.

"Oh, Cassie. You're so naive, it's adorable. Straight guys can be into butt stuff too," he shrugged. "Frankly, the guys who freak out about it are probably either homophobic pricks, or people totally insecure in their masculinity. They're missing the boat. If it feels good, do it. Or at least let someone else do it for you."

" _Oookay_ , and we've just crossed over into TMI territory."

"You asked," Gabriel shrugged. "So anyway, let me know as soon as possible if they're coming so I know how much to cook."

Cas nodded, relieved that Gabe took the hint and changed the subject. "He usually calls before I go to bed. I'll ask him then."

"Cool." Gabriel turned his attention to the TV and picked up the remote, flipping through channels until he finally settled on Jeopardy!

Cas finished off the last of his cupcake and took another sip of his tea, then lay down, curled up on his side. He called to Scout, who jumped back up and snuggled into him, and as he lay there, lazily running his fingers through her fur, he realized just how fully content he felt. It had been a long time since he felt so completely fulfilled. He just hoped the feeling stuck around for a while. Right now, he was home with his tiny little family, he was feeling more confident about himself, his meds were starting to work, and he had a guy who inexplicably seemed to love him, baggage and all. Right now, life was good.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Mr. Novak! It's been awhile. You haven't called me, so I hope things are okay?" Dr. Mitchell's smiling face greeted him as usual, and Cas couldn't help but smile a bit himself.

"Not too bad," he said thoughtfully. "Better overall. I still have panic attacks, but they're mostly situational... I'm not feeling anxious all the time anymore like I was."

"Fantastic! That's a big improvement. So when you take your Ativan, what does it do for you? It slows down the racing heart rate, but do you feel better after taking it? Less anxious?"

"Better, yes. I'm always still a little anxious for a while, then I get really tired."

Dr. Mitchell jotted some notes on her pad. "You've been taking the Ativan as needed for a while now..." She stared at him pensively. "And you're still taking it... how often? Once every other week or so?"

Cas nodded.

"It definitely seems to help," the doctor said, "but you're still getting attacks fairly frequently. We can keep you on it if you'd like, but I'd prefer to try you on something else for a while."

"Oh?" Cas asked.

"I'm sure you've heard of Klonopin? And I think you'd benefit more from a daily dosage rather than as needed."

Cas frowned. "Um. I kind of like having it as a security blanket in case something happens..."

"I know. But see, your Ativan kicks in and leaves your system in a relatively short time. You still get them often enough that I think it would make more sense to take something daily that prevents attacks from happening, rather than treating one after it happens. Does that make sense?"

Cas nodded. "I guess we can try it..."

"Good. I'll still give you a few Ativan in case of emergency, but I suspect you'll need them less. Now, how have you been doing otherwise? Are you making any progress elsewhere?"

"Uh," Cas started nervously. "I've been much braver lately. I've been doing a lot of things that I usually wouldn't do... I tried ice skating the other day. I've always been scared of the ice for some reason. I had a panic attack, but I did it. And I went to a dance club."

"A _dance club?_ " Dr. Mitchell's usually professional demeanor cracked for a minute in disbelief. "How did you do there?"

"Uhhh... I was okay. Long story."

Dr. Mitchell squinted curiously. "A dance club is a huge step."

Cas nodded. "Yeah. It was my umm... My boyfriend works there, and I wanted to see him in action."

"Bartender?"

"Deejay."

"Oh! Wow. I guess that will encourage you to go, huh? Is this the same guy we were talking about last time? Dean?"

Cas smiled sheepishly. "Yes."

"I know I keep saying it, but you are really making huge improvements in such a relatively short amount of time," Dr. Mitchell smiled. "And it's not just because of the meds, you know. It's _you_ too."

"I've always been stubborn," Cas laughed softly. "But Dean has helped too. He encourages me a lot."

"That's wonderful," Dr. Mitchell beamed. "Now should we discuss the intimacy issues? Have you had a chance to read the book I gave you?"

Cas shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Yes. You're right, most of it does apply to me. We were very repressed in a lot of ways. I-I don't like thinking about it too much, because I loved my parents..."

"Of course you did. That doesn't make them bad parents. They were doing what they thought was best for you. Unfortunately it gave you a lot of severe, and in many ways, unrealistic views on sex and relationships. When you start learning these concepts as a child, it forms your entire belief system. So when you get to a point where you start having doubts, or start thinking 'okay, maybe I don't believe that anymore', it can really cause a mental and emotional crisis. It's hard when you realize that what you've been taught all your life isn't necessarily true. For some people, it takes a complete mental breakdown and years of therapy to work through things. All things considered, you're doing very well. I'm very proud of your determination and the steps you've taken. I know it's not easy to do anything at all when you're depressed."

Cas lowered his head bashfully, feeling his face redden at the kind words of praise.

"Well, since you're already blushing, let's just get the sex stuff out of the way too, yeah?" she laughed. "Any breakthroughs?"

"Uh..." Cas stumbled. "We still haven't... um..."

"Had sex?"

"Yeah."

Dr. Mitchell nodded and tapped her pen on her tablet. "Well, no one says you have to, of course. But before you said it's something you'd like, but the anxiety keeps you from doing it. Do you still feel this way?"

"A little. I'm feeling much braver lately though. I think we'll probably uh... Um..." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

"Got it," the doctor laughed. "Soon, you mean?"

"Yeah," Cas looked away, certain that his face was on fire.

"So are you feeling less fearful? Less feeling like you're bad or dirty?"

Cas nodded.

"Good. Just keep working on it. Be open and honest with your partner, and it will come in time. I have a workbook for you to take home today. Just for your own benefit, try to work through it occasionally, okay? No pop quiz or anything," she grinned. "One last thing. Have you thought about a timeline as to going back to work? How are you feeling about dealing with the public again?"

"Uh. I'm getting there, but I don't feel ready just yet."

She nodded in agreement. "I think the depression seems better. The anxiety could use a little tweaking, but we need to get the panic disorder under control. Let's try the med change if you're still agreeable, and give it a bit more time. Come back in three weeks and we'll discuss again then?"

Cas nodded. "Sounds good."

"Excellent. Do you have any thoughts or concerns before we wrap up today?"  
  
"No," Cas shook his head. "I know I still have a way to go, but I'm feeling hopeful for a change. It's been a while since I felt like this. Actually... I don't _ever_ remember feeling this good."

"That's wonderful. Let me just get your prescription and that workbook I promised you, and you can be on your way. As always, call if you have any problems."

"Thanks, Dr. Mitchell."

::::::::::::::::::::

The smell of apple pie wafted through the tiny kitchen as Cas hurried to load the dishwasher. Dean was on his way over, and his house was still a mess from baking all afternoon.

It was Christmas Eve night, and as usual, Cas was baking their traditional selection of pies rather than Christmas cookies. Despite Gabriel's insistence on doing all the cooking, Cas usually managed to at least wrestle away dessert duty. With the dishes taken care of, he turned his attention to wiping down the counters, and he had hadn't quite finished when the doorbell rang.

Taking of his flour-covered apron and draping it over a chair, Cas smiled to himself as he hurried to answer the door.

"Hey sexy," Dean winked, just before he lunged forward and locked him in a kiss that nearly knocked him of his feet.

Cas giggled as he tried to catch his breath, burying his face in the junction of Dean's neck and shoulder. "Well _hello_."

"Merry Christmas Eve, sweetheart," Dean said as he gently pulled away. "Man, it smells good in here. Apple pie?"

Cas smiled. "Yeah. Just finished. I always make the desert at Christmas, but since we're not big on cookies, we do pies. I just put the last one in. Cherry."

"You mean we can't eat them until tomorrow?" Dean mock-grumbled. "Why must you _torture_ me?"

"Sorry," Cas grinned. "You can have pie tomorrow."

Dean stifled a sophomoric giggle. "Can I? I can't wait to have some of your cherry pie," he teased, licking his lips suggestively.

"Dean!" Cas blushed. "You're so bad," he murmured as he led Dean into the living room. "So, Sam is coming over in the morning?" he asked.  He sunk down into the couch, pulling Dean down next to him.

"Yep. He's a little nervous though. I promised him Gabriel's cooking was worth it," he laughed. "He is easily tempted by food, even though he's a health nut. I wish I had his metabolism. Kid eats non-stop. I suppose it takes a lot of fuel to be a giant moose-man."

Cas snorted. "Did you just call your brother a moose?"

"Uh, yeah. I call him that often," Dean grimaced. "Maybe it's a big brother thing. Gabe doesn't have a nickname for you?"

"Well, when I was little he called me Baby Bird," Cas laughed. "I still call him Mother Hen sometimes. Now he mostly calls me Cassie, which I'm not crazy about, but I stopped fighting it. I used to get really pissy with him in middle school. I was already the only gay kid in my class, I really didn't want anyone to hear him call me by a girly name."

"Awww. He definitely didn't mean it that way. I still call Sam 'Sammy' all the time. He used to yell at me too, but he finally gave up. It's hard when you've raised a kid. No matter how old you get, you'll always be his baby brother, you know?"

"I know," Cas nodded. "It's kind of endearing now, but I really hated it back then."

Dean nodded. "Hey, your tree looks nice," he said suddenly, motioning to the Christmas tree in the corner of the room.

"Oh. Thanks. I didn't plan on putting one up. Gabe is such a dork. I went with him to pick out a tree, and next thing I know, he and the tree guy are trying to tie two trees to the top of his tiny-ass car," he laughed. "So we decorated his tree first, then we came down here and did mine too. It was actually kind of nice."

"That's awesome," Dean laughed. "Sammy and I decorated mine a few days ago. He never puts one up, but I usually guilt him into helping me. "

Cas smiled and inched in closer, putting his head on Dean's shoulder. "Thanks for coming tonight. I love that we'll get to spend Christmas together with both of our families."

"Mmmhmm," Dean hummed, giving him a little kiss on his forehead. "Me too.  I still feel like I should bring something else, but your brother is stubborn. I picked out a few bottles of wine. Sammy will bring them in the morning."

"That's sweet, but you didn't have to..." Cas started, but he was interrupted by the oven timer. "Shit, I guess I have to get up," he sighed.  Grudgingly, he stood and made his way to the kitchen to pull the hot pie out of the oven, and while he was there, he decided to grab some drinks and snacks before heading back toward Dean.

"You wanna go watch some Netflix?" he asked tentatively as he entered the living room with a simple cheese tray and a few sodas.

"Yeah, sure," Dean agreed. "Lead the way."

Cas balanced his tray and headed to his bedroom, then motioned for Dean to have a seat on the bed. He woke his computer and navigated to Netflix as Dean helped himself to the snacks.

"What do you want to watch?" Cas asked.

"Hmmm. I suppose we should watch something Christmassy... Not many options though, huh?" he pondered. "Alright, don't judge me, but I vote for _Love, Actually_."

Cas frowned as he searched his memory. "Isn't that a chick flick?"

"Hey, I said don't judge me!" Dean laughed. "I know, it's totally sappy but it is Christmassy. Kind of... Alright, I admit it. Sometimes I like chick flicks."

Cas smiled and shook his head, and selected the movie before settling down onto to the bed next to him. "Can I get you anything else before we start? Do you want popcorn or..."

"Nope. Just you. Get in here." Dean extended his arm and Cas snuggled in, resting his head on his shoulder. "I missed you at the club this week," he whispered, nuzzling against Cas's cheek. "But, with the holidays, I have two weekends in a row off, so you'll have to find a way to keep me entertained," he said, resting his head on Cas's.

"Mmm. I suppose I'll manage." Cas closed his eyes for a second, deeply inhaling Dean's scent. For a brief moment everything felt so wonderfully surreal, he had to open his eyes again to assure himself this was actually happening. It was funny to think of how different he felt just a few months ago.

They didn't speak a word during the movie; Dean was content to snuggle and watch his chick flick, and Cas was sucked into the plot much more than he expected. The snacks were long gone by the time the film ended, and with a stomach full of cheese, crackers, and fruit, Cas was sleepy and content.

"Okay," he murmured as the final credits rolled. "I'll admit, that was pretty good."

Dean smiled as he sat up and stretched. "Would I lie to you?"

"Of course not." Cas stood up and hit 'stop' on the computer then flicked off the monitor. "Tired?" he asked with a yawn. Mindlessly, he tugged his shirt off over his head and unbuttoned his pants.

"Gettin' there, I guess," he responded. Crawling from his nice, warm spot on the bed, he stood and began getting undressing. "I'm not quite ready to sleep yet, but I could definitely get under the blankets and snuggle for a while."

"I'm not ready just yet either. But soon..." Cas trailed off, biting his lip as he watched Dean shed his layers of clothing. _No, he definitely wasn't ready to sleep just yet..._  
  
"Good... You gonna take your socks off?" Dean grinned as he caught Cas staring, wearing only his boxers and tall black dress socks.

"Oh! Uh. Yeah. _Yes!_ " he floundered. He turned away in a huff and yanked his socks off, then wiped at his face in embarrassment. _What was wrong with him? He suddenly just wanted to pounce Dean and rip the rest of those clothes off of him._

Though he tried to be subtle, it was clear that Dean had noticed.  He smirked and grabbed Cas by the shoulder, spinning him around until they were face to face. "See something you like there, cowboy?"

Cas glanced away shyly, feeling his face burn a bright shade of scarlet. "Maybe." He subconsciously licked his lips as Dean coaxed his chin back toward him.

"Yeah? Because the view's not bad from here either," Dean breathed.  He inched forward and kissed him, possessively gripping Cas's hair with one hand while drawing his body closer with the other. "I brought something," he whispered slyly as he pulled away.

"What?"

Dean held up a finger to instruct him to wait, and he trotted back out to the living room to find his jacket. He returned a minute later grinning like an idiot and dangling Cas's collar brown leather collar from his fingers. "Please?" he asked with a mischievous grin.

"Oh my god," Cas laughed. "You're _so_ bad... Well, what are you waiting for? Put it on me," he smiled shyly.

Dean eagerly stepped forward and fastened the collar around Cas's neck, and tugged gently at the dog tag. "Mmm," he murmured, taking a minute to look him over. "Yes, that's much better. Gotta remind my baby who he belongs to."  
  
That unrelenting, dominant gaze was back and Cas could feel himself getting hard already.  "Dean," he protested sheepishly, feeling his face redden. Though he was still a little shy about wearing it, feeling that strap of leather tighten around his neck sent a thrill through him he couldn't quite explain. He silently swooned as Dean wrapped him in his arms and planted a gentle kiss on the top of his head, but quickly, he snapped himself out of it.  He wasn't going to fall into that comfortable, hazy feeling today.  Wearing the collar might make him feel all sorts of submissive, but right now he needed to channel what little dominance he could muster.  Taking a breath to calm his unsteady nerves, he let his fingers creep to the waistband of Dean's shorts

"What are you doing, baby?"

Cas didn't reply.  Slowly, he inched Dean's shorts down around his ankles, then shoved firmly until he backed up to the edge of the bed. " _Sit_ ," he commanded. Before he could doubt himself, he knelt and began nuzzling up the inside of Dean's thighs and taking teasing licks up the sides of his cock.

"Oh! Jesus, Cas," Dean murmured. "Where did _this_ come from?"

"Mmphhh." Cas slid his lips down around the shaft and slowly bobbed his head as he concentrated on giving Dean the best damn blowjob of his life. He never thought he'd enjoy giving head so much, but turning Dean into a gasping, whimpering, puddle gave him a dizzying sense of euphoria.  He'd even come to crave Dean's salty, musky taste on his tongue... In small doses, of course.  
  
Dean closed his eyes and moaned, placing a hand on the back of Cas's head.   "Come here," he whispered. "At least get on the bed with me first." He slid to the far side of the bed and Cas immediately crawled over and began sucking and licking as if his life depended on it.

"What's gotten into you, baby?" Dean breathed. "Not that I'm complaining."  
  
"Nothing, _yet_."

"Casss," Dean hissed. "Holy _shit_ , sweetheart..." He threw his head back against the wall and groaned.

Cas hummed a little, teasing his tongue around the ruddy head of Dean's cock, marveling in the way it twitched and throbbed as he licked. He grasped the base of his shaft and slapped the tip against his tongue a few times before sliding his lips down again, taking in as much as he possibly could, making Dean groan again.

"Oh god, Cas. Just like that. C'mere." Dean knotted his fingers in Cas's short, dark hair, and used his free hand to maneuver him off to his side.

Cas arched his back as a firm hand began stroking up and down his spine, reaching further each time until his fingers slipped underneath the waistband of Cas's boxers. As Dean dug his fingertips into the tight curve of his ass, Cas growled and inched closer to give him better access.

"You like that?" Dean teased, kneading hard at the muscles on the other cheek.

Cas mumbled his approval around a mouthful of Dean's cock, and he grumbled as the hand suddenly pulled away.

"Shhhhh."

A second later, Dean's spit-slick finger was inching it's way down the crack of his ass and circling his hole.

"Oh! Dean!" Cas suddenly gasped.

"Shhh. You just keep sucking, baby," Dean purred, gently shoving his head down.

Cas moaned and threw himself into his work, alternating sucking with long, wet strokes of his tongue, and pumping with his fist. His hips were moving now, bucking gently toward Dean's hand, wordlessly asking for more, and when that finger slipped inside of him, he still yelped.

"Oh fuuuuck," he groaned, pulling his head back as his mouth fell open. He groaned and arched his back again, burying his face in Dean's lap.

"You okay?" Dean whispered, gently stroking his hair with his free hand.

Cas nodded vehemently as he whimpered, not moving from his spot.

"Shhhh. Relax into it and then move up here. Lie across my lap."

Weakly, Cas crawled forward a few paces and collapsed across Dean's thighs, and Dean pulled his shorts down to his knees.

"Good boy. Let me play with that pretty little ass of yours," Dean whispered. Using spit for lube, he ever-so-gently dipped his finger in and out a few times while Cas clutched desperately at the bed sheets. Despite the slight discomfort, Cas found himself shoving his ass up higher, wanting, needing more.

"That's it," Dean murmured. "Show me what you need, baby. Oh god, you have a gorgeous ass..." He smoothed a hand over the smooth curves as he gently wiggled his finger, angling for just the right spot.

"Haaa..." Cas yelped and bucked his hips harder as Dean worked him open. He was starting to feel a little too good already, draped shamelessly across Dean's lap like this, but as soon as Dean started to hit that sweet spot, something in him snapped.

"W-wait," he croaked. "St-stop."

Immediately, Dean pulled back in abject terror, nudging him to turn over and look at him. "Oh god, what happened? I'm sorry, you okay?"

"F-fine," Cas managed with a tiny laugh. "I... Just... This was supposed to be about _you_ ," he smiled, suddenly shy again.

"Ohhh," Dean sighed, visibly relieved. "Fuck, I thought I hurt you. Don't worry about _that_."

"No," Cas mumbled as he struggled to sit up. "I really wanted tonight to be about you..." He kicked his shorts the rest of the way off and straddled Dean's lap. "But..." he said as he tenderly kissed those plush pink lips, "Now I think it should be about the both of us."

"What do you mean?" Dean frowned before wrapping his arms around Cas's torso and pulling him in for another kiss.

"Mmm... I mean, I want you," Cas panted. "Right now. Please," he whispered, nibbling Dean's earlobe and grinding down into his lap.

"Ohhh fuck," Dean moaned as Cas continued kissing and sucking a trail down his neck. "C-Cas... Ohhh. Are you sure? I don't think you're ready yet..."

Cas sighed and pulled back, grabbing Dean by the chin and forcing him to look at him. "Dean," he said firmly. " I'm ready _now_."

The nervous laugh that followed for once didn't come from Cas, but from Dean. "Oh. Uh. O-okay. Do you have um..."

"Drawer." Cas crawled to the edge of the bed and dug through his nightstand for a condom, and held it up triumphantly as he crawled back toward Dean.

"O-okay," Dean managed in a breathy whisper. "Put it on me, baby."

With shaky hands, Cas tore open the packet and removed the condom, not entirely sure what he was doing, but he had a good idea.

"Pinch the tip," Dean whispered. "Good... You sure about this, sweetheart?"

Cas nodded and straddled him again, "What, um... what now?" he asked weakly.

Dean giggled and nuzzled his face. "Here." He reached over and pumped a few squirts from the giant bottle of lube into his hand, and slicked it over his cock. Motioning for Cas to rise up on his knees, he positioned himself just beneath him.

"If you're sure, just lower yourself down and I'll take care of the rest. Take your time."

Cas nodded determinedly and lowered himself gently down against Dean's cock, but after just one try, he was certain it wasn't going to fit. It wasn't the length he was worried about; Dean was fairly average in that department, but he was girthier than Cas, and that little bit made all the difference.

"Dean, I don't think it's going to work," he murmured, feeling absolutely mortified. 

Dean chuckled softly. "Oh, sweetheart. It'll work. You just need to ease into it. Try again," he coaxed.

Again Cas held Dean's lube-slick cock as he tried to ease down onto it, and he grimaced as the head pressed against him.

"Easy," Dean whispered. "Stop clenching your ass and relax your muscles."

"I'm... trying," Cas gritted his teeth in frustration. _Why the hell couldn't he do this?_

"Okay, okay," Dean said, sensing how upset this was making him. "Let's try another way," he murmured, coaxing Cas's lips toward his in a long, deep kiss. "I'm taking over for now. You'll tell me if you don't like something I'm doing, right?"

Cas nodded, relieved. Already he was feeling hazy and intoxicated with lust and they hadn't even done anything yet.

"Good. Turn around. On your knees, baby," he said softly, tossing a pillow in front of him so that he could get comfortable. "Now bend over.  Ass up."

A bit self-consciously, Cas tucked the pillow under his face and chest and bent forward, but any embarrassment he felt went out the window, when Dean's immediately buried his face in his ass.

"Oh!" he gasped as he clutched the pillow to his chest. Dean's hands dug into the muscles of his ass, spreading him open as he licked around his entrance.

"That feel good?" Dean rumbled.

"Yessss," Cas moaned as Dean's thumb gently rubbed and prodded at him. When he felt the tip of his finger enter him this time, he instinctively clenched, earning him a playful slap on the ass from Dean.

"Fuck!" he yelled, not entirely sure why he was also giggling.

"I said stop clenching," Dean teased. While Cas was distracted, he pushed a little harder until his finger had sunk in to the second knuckle.

"Unfff," Cas groaned. "That was sneaky."

"Got you to relax, didn't it?" Dean laughed. "You okay?"

"Mmmhmm." Cas was up on his hands and knees now as he arched into Dean's touch.

"Good boy." Dean slowly slid his finger in and out a few times, letting Cas adjust.

"O-ookay. Please... Now, Dean."

Without another word, Dean took his place behind him and rubbed against Cas's hole with his dick. Applying a little more lube, he lined himself up, and ever-so-slowly, pushed into him.

Cas's body buckled forward and he buried his face in the pillow to muffle the embarrassingly loud cry that escaped his throat. As big as it looked, it felt twice as big going in, and every muscle in his lower body seemed to be resisting.

Dean continued, slowly inching until he was buried to the hilt in Cas's ass.

"Shhh. You okay?" Dean whispered, leaning forward and covering Cas's body with his own, threading their fingers together as Cas gripped the sheets.

"Ahhh. Fuck. I um... " Cas's face was contorted in uncertainty and a series of groans kept rising from his throat. "It's weird," he managed.

"Does it hurt? Do you want to stop?"

"No, don't stop! Uh. Oh god. It... Um... It's really uncomfortable."

"Mmmhmm," Dean purred, rubbing his cheek against Cas's shoulder. "That's because you have a big, fat dick up your ass, baby. It'll get better. Promise. Come kiss me."

Cas turned his head, still too overwhelmed to do anything just yet, but he let Dean shower him with tiny kisses as he struggled to catch his breath. Everything about this moment was making him feel vulnerable and a bit teary-eyed, and he suddenly needed some vocal reassurance.

"Dean," he whimpered. "I... I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart. You're doing so well," Dean crooned. "I know it's hard at first. Is it getting better?"

"A little."

"Good. I'm gonna try to move a little, okay?"

Cas nodded.  
  
"You tell me if you want to stop."

"Just... go slow."

"Of course," Dean murmured, kissing his shoulder blade. "I've got you, baby." Gently, he maneuvered them both up to their hands and knees again, then pulled almost completely out before thrusting back into him.  
  
Cas's jaw dropped and his body froze for a moment as he tried to process this new feeling. Slowly, Dean withdrew and thrusted again, snapping Cas out of his stupor.

"Ohhh god," Cas moaned. "Ohhh, fuck." It didn't feel bad, exactly, but the physical and emotional sensations combined were overwhelmingly intense.

Dean's hands were caressing his hips and stroking at his back in a comforting manner as he whispered little affirmations.

"We can stop if you want. Say the word, baby," he breathed.

"No. Don't stop," Cas panted. The tight, burning, stretch was starting to subside, and it was starting to feel... Well, not good yet, but not bad either. He groaned again as Dean began to find a slow rhythm.

"Mmm. God, I love you," Dean hummed. "You feel amazing, baby." He wrapped an arm around Cas's chest, pulling his body closer as he nibbled a trail up his neck and behind his ear.

Goosebumps rose up on his arms and Cas moaned wantonly as Dean continued kissing and caressing him. His touch was so soft and delicate it tickled, and Cas couldn't help but giggle a bit as Dean craned his neck for a kiss on the lips.

"How are you feeling?" Dean whispered against his ear. He pulled out for a quick second, just long enough to apply some more lube.

"Better. Ohhhh. Oh god..." Cas's eyes rolled back and his body arched as Dean entered him again.

"Safe to say it's starting to feel good now?" Dean grinned.

"Shit! Ohhh. Yeah. It's... Ohhh my god."

Dean grunted and sped up slightly, making Cas wail and hang his head as he tried to regain his composure.

"You okay?"

"Y-Yes," Cas rasped, opening his eyes to see his own cock, half-hard and bobbing with Dean's every thrust.

Again, Dean coaxed him up, this time all the way up on his knees as he sucked tiny red welts across his shoulder. "Still feel like this is bad or dirty?" he asked softly.

"Oh! Mmmph. A little," Cas admitted, though frankly, he didn't have time to think about guilt right now.

Dean guided Cas's chin towards his own as he strained for a series of desperate kisses. "Cas," he rasped. "Look at yourself, baby." He motioned toward the mirror across from the bed.

"W-what?"

"Look." Dean nibbled at his neck as their eyes caught in the mirror.

Cas cringed a little at his reflection, brazenly naked save for a dog collar, and looking a little worse for wear. His hair was sweaty and wildly splayed in all directions. His eyes were wild and watery, and his cheeks were flushed a light shade of pink. He couldn't seem to keep his gaping jaw shut and he was practically drooling on himself as he moaned and writhed shamelessly with Dean's cock up his ass. Truth be told, he looked like a hot mess.

"What do you see, sweetheart?" Dean whispered. "Does this look bad or wrong to you?" He deepened his strokes as he wrapped his arms around Cas's chest, pulling him back up as he nearly fell forward.

"Ohhh!" Cas yelped as the swirling heat in his abdomen intensified. Fuck, he was going to come just like this... "N-no," he stuttered.

"You know what I see?" Dean asked, his voice cool and even. "I see two people who love each other, sharing themselves in the most intense, intimate way possible; Two people who love and trust each other so much, they're giving each other _everything_. I don't know how that could ever be dirty or wrong. I think it's fucking _beautiful_."

"Dean," Cas squeaked, his eyes welling up with tears. "Ohh!" He jerked forward, falling back to his hands and knees as a little wave of tremors rippled through him, and Dean took the hint to thrust faster.

Cas grunted and groaned and flat-out yelled as Dean grabbed hold of his hips and began pounding into him. The slapping of skin against skin was deafening though Cas could barely hear it over his own moaning, and at Dean's suggestion, he reached between his legs and half-heartedly tugged at his cock.

"Fuck! Dean! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!"

A few strokes was all it took for Cas to lose control, and his body spasmed as he came violently onto his sheets. He collapsed face-first onto the mattress and Dean lowered himself to continue thrusting, kissing his shoulders and pinning his arms above his head as he finished.

"Oh fuck! Ohh, Cas. Holy shit! Yes! Ohmygod, baby..."

Cas lay there silently for a moment, way too overwhelmed and exhausted to even move.

"Cas? Sweetheart?" Dean panted. He gently backed up off of him and turned onto his side, nudging Cas to roll over. "You oka... Oh god, you're crying! Baby?"

"I-I'm okay," Cas panted as he wiped sheepishly at his eyes. He inched his way into Dean's arms, desperately needing to be held. "That was all just really intense."

"Intense in a good way?" Dean asked, tightening his grip as he pulled him in closer.

"In the best _possible_ way," Cas said weakly.  Even talking seemed to take a lot of effort. "That was _amazing_."

"It was," Dean sighed blissfully. "Baby, you were incredible. The way you... Ohh god, _everything_. You're really okay?"

Cas nodded. "I'm fantastic. Exhausted, but good."

Dean smiled. "Yeah. No offense, but you look completely wrecked.  And god, it looks fucking _good_ on you.... Oh shit, I left a mark on your neck," he said, screwing his face up in apology.

"What?" Cas exclaimed. "Fuck!"

"Yeaaah. Sorry, sweetheart," Dean grimaced. "I uh... remember doing the ones on your shoulder, but didn't realize I got your neck too," he said, gently stroking his fingers down the side of his neck, then flicking the silvery tag on his collar.

"Deeean," Cas laughed and pouted at the same time. "We have dinner with Gabe and Sam tomorrow!"

Dean ducked his head and half-covered his face with his hand, trying to hide his giggly delight. "I'm sorry! Guess I got too excited!"

Cas rolled his eyes and struggled to sit up, scowling at how sweaty he was. "I think it was intentional. You and your possessive streak..." he smirked.

Dean grinned. "Just in the bedroom. I'm not like creepy-possessive, am I? "

"No. Not at all," Cas smiled. "I like it. But for right now, I need to take this collar off so we can shower."

"Let me." Dean sat up and unfastened the collar, letting it fall from his neck. "You sure you want to go shower now?"

"Why not?"

Dean shrugged. "Welllll... I mean, if you want to do it again, we  _could_ shower again later..."

"Oh!" Cas gasped. " _Again_?"

Dean suggestively raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Dean!" Cas giggled.

"Whaaat? Now that I've had a taste of you, I'm not sure I can ever get enough..." Dean said, shoving forward to kiss him again.

"Mmmm," Cas swooned. "Well, maybe once more..."

"Good boy. On your back this time," he breathed. "And Cas?"

"Hmm?"

"Put the collar back on."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, all. I could not get this chapter to come together to save my life, so I stepped away from it for a while. Hopefully I'm back on track now.

Cas awoke feeling sore all over. His stomach muscles ached, his throat was scratchy and raw, and his thighs felt like they did after a too-long bike ride. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and rubbed at his face, groaning at how heavy his arms felt.

Despite being a little sore, at least he was warm and comfortable.  Dean was spooned up behind him with an arm locked snugly around his waist, his warm breath tickling Cas's ear.  If he hasn't felt Dean's morning erection digging into the crack of his bare ass, he would almost have to question if last night had really happened.  He expected his ass to be sore in the morning, and he was pleasantly surprised to find that it was possibly the only part of his body that wasn't.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to fall back to sleep, but his mind just wouldn't stop racing. _He had just had sex. Not once. Not twice. Three times_. He hadn't come so much in such a short period of time since he first discovered masturbating.  He blanched, remembering how shamelessly bold he had been.

_God, he was so damn filthy._

He opened his mouth and let out a huge yawn, then rubbed at the slight red marks on his wrist, hoping they weren't too noticeable.  Dean had indulged his little restraint fantasy again with the help of one of Cas's old ties, and he'd pulled against them pretty hard when he climaxed.

"Morning, baby." Dean's sleepy voice greeted him, along with a gentle kiss to the side of his neck. "What are you doing awake already?"

"Oh! Hey. N-nothing. Just can't get back to sleep."

"You okay?"

"Of course."

Dean snuggled in closer and nibbled at his earlobe. "You sure? You're not having regrets, are you?"

"No! God no! I don't regret it for a minute. Holy shit, it was _incredible_..."

"But?"

Cas sighed. "I do feel a tiny bit guilty though. I mean, I do and I don't. I can't explain it."

"What do you feel guilty about?" Dean whispered.

Cas shrugged. "I'm not even sure, that's the worst part. I know I shouldn't. Just stupid residual gay-guilt from years of being told I should never... well, do anything." He laughed bitterly.  "But at the same time, it was completely cathartic," he mused, rolling over to meet Dean's gaze.

"Don't worry," he continued.  "I'm good. Really. You were right, Dean. It _was_ beautiful. I wouldn't change last night for anything. I feel so much closer to you. I can't believe I made you wait so long. I can't believe _I_ waited so long. I can't believe we did it _three times_!  I can't bel... Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?"

"A little," Dean chuckled warmly. "You have nothing to feel guilty about, sweetheart. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Cas nodded. "Of course."

"Good. Come here." Dean rolled onto his back and coaxed Cas's head onto his shoulder. "No guilt, baby," he whispered, slowly carding his fingers through Cas's hair. "You're not bad or dirty.  You're totally normal."

"I know... Well, I don't know about 'normal'," Cas suddenly laughed.  "I'm don't think 'normal' sex includes wearing a collar. Kinky bastard."

Dean grinned and planted a huge kiss on his forehead. "Fantasies are a normal part of being human. There's nothing wrong with indulging in a little kink. I think everyone has something they fantasize about, but a lot of people feel embarrassed or ashamed of it.  It was more extreme for you, probably, but even people _without_ that strict upbringing worry that others will judge them for their fantasies.  Everyone's so worried about what people will think, that no one's having good sex," he winked.

Cas pondered this for a moment.  "I suppose that's true."

"Like you and your restraint fetish.  If I hadn't brought it up, would _you_ have?"

"Oh god, no!"

"And, I assume you enjoyed it?"

Cas giggled and shyly nodded.

"I'd rather try something than wonder what it would be like the rest of my life," Dean shrugged. "...you sure you're okay?"

"Mmmhmm," Cas hummed. " It's definitely something I want to do again, if that's what you mean. And again..."

Dean smiled.  "Well, we'll work on that. You did good, sweetheart. You were so good for me."

Cas ducked his head and blushed. "Dean..." he protested. _Surely he was past the need for constant praise and validation by now._

"Mmm. My sweet boy," Dean murmured. "It was _amazing_ to watch you. That last time, the way you just climbed up on me and rode me like a fucking jockey... Holy _shit_.  You looked so confident. You knew what you wanted and you went for it. I'm so damn proud of you," he sighed, peppering his forehead with kisses. "You're so good, baby.  I love you."

Cas smiled. "I love you too. Merry Christmas, Dean."

"Merry Christmas, Cas."

Cas closed his eyes again, listening to the gentle whooshing sound of Dean's breathing as he tried to fall back to sleep.

"I can't believe you think _that's_ kinky," Dean suddenly blurted. "You must think I'm the world's biggest pervert."

"What?" Cas exclaimed, his eyes flying open.  "No, I..."

"Oh baby, I'm just getting you _used to_ wearing the collar." he winked. "We haven't even _begun_  your obedience training yet!"

"O-obedience training?" Cas laughed nervously.

Dean smirked.  "Well like I said the first night I put the collar on you, you will be my obedient little pet.  If my memory serves me correctly, you _like_ being rewarded when you're good.  Of course, judging by how much you liked me slapping your ass during sex, you might enjoy the punishment too."

"Oh my god," Cas simpered, hiding his face in Dean's shoulder. "I can't believe that I'm into this kind of thing... A year ago, I'd have laughed you into next week for even suggesting it.  No, wait. I would have crawled into a hole and died of embarrassment."

"Or at least passed out," Dean teased.  "You've come a long way from our first date, that's for sure.

Cas giggled. "Don't remind me."  He yawned suddenly, starting to feel the effect of not sleeping most of the night.  "It's weird," he said drowsily.  "I kind of feel like I'm finding myself lately. There's so much of me I've been hiding and denying all these years. I talk about my parents repressing me as a kid, but I've been repressing _myself_ for a long time too."

Dean sighed, blissfully nuzzling his forehead while running his fingers through Cas's hair.  "I'm so glad you let me come along for the ride. Well hey, try to go back to sleep for a bit, sweetheart. It's early and neither of us slept much. We don't have to be to Gabe's for hours yet."

"Yeah," Cas nodded, tiredly rubbing his eyes. "I'm pretty exhausted.  Hey Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"Can we do this again tonight?"

Dean couldn't help but burst out laughing.  "Baby," he said, pulling him in closer, "we can do that any time you want."

:::::::::::

"Gabe!" Cas called as he flung open the door to Gabriel's apartment.  "We're here!" He strolled to the kitchen with Dean in tow, both of them with their hands full of pies.

"Cassie, Dean," Gabriel beamed.  "Just set those on the counter," he pointed.  "And bring it in here," he held his arms open to Dean and embraced him in a quick hug.  "Merry Christmas," he said, clapping him on the back.

"Same to you," Dean smiled.

"Cassie," Gabe continued, pulling him in next for a crushing bear hug.  "Merry Christmas, bro."

"Merry Christmas, Gabe," Cas sighed happily.  "Smells good in here," he said as he pulled away.  "I just realized I'm starving."

Gabriel nodded, turning to the oven to baste his turkey.  "I should think so!"

"W-what?" Cas stuttered.  Immediately he admonished his guilty conscience for making him act so neurotic.

"I _mean_ , I've been cooking all day and it smells fucking amazing in here!  Turkey, corn, candied pecan sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, lemon-pepper green beans, homemade cranberry relish... I don't want to brag, but I really outdid myself this year."

"Oh.  Right.  Yeah, you really did," Cas said, ducking his head as Dean nudged him, shaking his head in amusement at how jumpy he was.  "Can we do anything?"

"Nah, everything's just about done.  Just waiting on the turkey and Sam. Maybe give him a call.  See if he'll stop and get some makeup to cover that love-bite on your neck," he said casually.  "Someone couldn't wait for dinner, huh, Dean?"

"Gabe!  Jesus!"

Gabriel roared with laughter as Cas covered his crimson face in embarrassment.  "What, you thought no one would notice that thing? If you think _that's_ embarrassing, you'd be _mortified_ to know that these walls are thin, and you're fucking loud when you have sex."

"Oh my god..." Cas groaned weakly, turning toward Dean in horror. "Oh god." He rubbed at his face as his eyes began stinging with tears of embarrassment.

"Shhhh," Dean said, wrapping him in his arms.  "It's okay," he laughed softly. "Nothing to be ashamed of," he whispered closer to his ear.

Cas nodded, taking a deep breath.

"Aw, I'm sorry, Cassie," Gabriel said, coming up behind him.  "Group hug! I was just busting your balls. That was too far though.  I'm sorry.  Seriously, good for you. How long have I been saying you guys need to just bang already? Now," he said, pulling away. "Have a seat.  Let's dig into the crudités while we wait, huh?"

Cas let Dean guide him to the table and pull out his chair, and he sat down, taking a second to mentally collect himself.  "Sorry," he murmured.  "I'm all emotional today."

Dean sat down next to him and held his hand as a sympathetic Gabriel brought a veggie tray from the refrigerator.  "Here. Eat your feelings," he said, tussling Cas's hair. "If you drown them in ranch, you almost forget they're vegetables. So Dean," he said, deftly changing the subject.  "I guess the club is closed this weekend?"

"Yeah.  This weekend and next, actually.  We debated doing a big New Years' bash, but I decided I'd rather have the holiday off instead."

"Big plans?"

"Nothing in particular," Dean shrugged.  "Just spending time with our families.  Oh hey, _speaking_ of families," he said as the doorbell interrupted him. "That must be Sammy.  I'll get it."

Dean excused himself and headed to the living room to greet his brother, and Cas sat there awkwardly, trying to avoid Gabriel's gaze.

"You know, _most_ guys are excited when they get laid," Gabriel said, sitting down across from him. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Cas blushed. "I'm fine. Just a little embarrassed. I'm kind of emotional today. Sorry I was so loud," he said, anxiously rubbing the back of his neck.

Gabe smiled and shook his head. "No, no. I was totally out of line.  I know how hard this has been for you. I was just happy for you and, well, you know me. I was teasing like I usually do. At the very least, I shouldn't have done it around Dean."

"It's okay," Cas laughed nervously. "My guilty conscience was eating me alive anyway. At least now I don't have to think about it."

Gabriel nodded. "Why are you so emotional today?  Is it 'good' emotional at least?"

"Yeah. I felt a little guilty this morning but I'm over it. I'm kind of _relieved_ , actually. There are so many things I've been scared to do for so long... For years I've built them up in my head, making them seem a lot scarier than they are. I mean, it wasn't scary at all," Cas laughed, feeling his face flush again. 

"Yeah, those weren't screams of fear, that's for sure," Gabriel snorted.

"Shut _up_."

"Hey, I was cheering for you at first. Of course, by round three I was over it... But seriously, Cassie. _Stamina_. Well done. Does your ass hurt? I have Tylenol."

"What?" Cas exclaimed. "No!"

Gabriel shrugged. "Just lookin' out for you. First time I did it, I didn't realize I should uh... _Warm up_ first. Bad idea."

Cas wrinkled his nose. "Ouch. Wait. First time what?"

"First time I got fucked with a strap-on. The chick didn't know what she was doing, and neither did I."

Though he tried valiantly, Cas couldn't hold back a torrent of laughter at the look on Gabriel's face. "I'm sorry," he giggled. "Too much nervous energy today, I guess. I'm a little out of it.  I thought you were telling me you slept with a _guy_!"

"Yeeeah," Gabriel chuckled.  " _That's_ a story for another time."

Cas's laughter stopped abruptly. "Wait,  what? You...? Tell me now!"

"It was just once. And it's not a story for mixed company," Gabe grimaced.

"But you can't just say something like that and then not tell me!  All this time... why haven't you told me?" Cas exclaimed.

"I'll tell you later, Cassie," Gabriel promised, motioning toward the living room as Dean and Sam neared the doorway.

"Hey," Dean announced as he entered the room. "Gabriel, this is my brother, Sam."

Gabriel's eyes widened as he looked up at the tall, shaggy-haired man in front of him. "God, you're huge," he blurted. "I-I mean, nice to meet you," he stuttered, reaching out to shake his hand.

"I get that a lot," Sam laughed. "Nice to meet you too, Gabriel. Thanks for the invite. Merry Christmas," he said, handing him a fancy box of chocolates.

"Oh, right!  Merry Christmas to you too. Call me Gabe.  Ooh, chocolates? Man after my own heart."

"Gabe, then," Sam responded.  "It smells _amazing_ in here.  Merry Christmas, Cas," he grinned as Cas, still a little dazed from his conversation with Gabriel, stood to give him a hug. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good. Much better lately. You?"

"Good," Sam smiled. "I've been looking into schools for library science. I have some questions for you later if you don't mind."

"Of course not!  That's awesome."

"Hey, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm bringing the food over," Gabriel interjected. "Have a seat. We'll talk while we eat."

Dean settled into his chair next to Cas, and Sam sunk into the seat across from them, while Gabriel hurried to put all of his dishes on the table.

"We do turkey on Christmas.  I'd prefer ham, since I feel like we just had Thanksgiving, but Cassie hates ham," Gabriel shrugged as he placed the perfectly golden turkey on the table.  

Cas nodded, wrinkling his nose.

"Cassie?" Sam mused. "You can't escape the little brother nicknames either, huh Cas?" 

"Nope. He's called me Cassie since I was five years old," Cas said rolling his eyes. "I've learned to just accept it."

"Yeah, same here."

"I think 'Sammy' is cute," Gabriel chimed in as he started carving the turkey. "Especially since you're a towering giant."

"I'm only six four," Sam protested. "Not like I'm a pro basketball player!"

"Pssh. Well you've got a good eight inches on me," Gabriel muttered, immediately regretting his choice of words as Dean chortled.  "Shut up," he grinned, watching in amusement as Sam's face turned red.

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know," Cas murmured quietly.

"You too, smartass," Gabriel said, pointing his carving knife at him.  "Alright, everyone dig in!" He took his seat next to Sam and they began passing food around the table.

"This turkey smells so good," Cas hummed, taking some and passing the tray to Sam, who did a sudden double-take at Cas's neck.

"God, Dean, couldn't wait until dinner?" he muttered under his breath.

Gabriel burst into hysterical laughter. "That's _exactly_ what I said!" he howled, holding his hand up for a high five.  "I like you already, Sammy."

A faint blush of pink crept over Dean's cheeks, and Cas just pressed a hand to his face, smiling like an idiot. "That's funny, because I hate you both."

"Yeah.  Shaddup," Dean chuckled. "You're both just jealous."

"Of a hickey?" Sam asked skeptically.

"No," Cas interrupted. "That we both got laid last night." _There. His face may have been flaming, but he'd said it. No shame,_  he reminded himself.

Sam's face contorted in a look of defeat. "Touché."

Gabriel sighed happily as he watched Dean slip an arm around Cas's shoulder and whisper in his ear before planting a tiny kiss on his temple.  "Aren't they just the cutest?" he murmured.  

"Yeah.  So cute I want to gag," Sam grimaced. "So Gabe," he said, changing the subject.  "This is the best turkey I've ever eaten.  What is that, rosemary that tastes so good?"

"Oh thanks!" Gabriel perked up at the chance to talk about his cooking again.  "It's a blend of spices.  Rosemary, thyme, sage, black pepper, salt, garlic, basil, and just a touch of oregano."

"Wow.  Well it's delicious. _Everything's_ delicious. I feel like I'm at a fancy restaurant," Sam laughed.

Dean nodded in agreement. "It's all so good."

"Gabe is a fantastic cook, and an even better pastry chef," Cas said. "But really, don't stroke his ego.  He's cocky enough."

"I'm not cocky, I'm _confident_ ," Gabriel scoffed. "I mean, if you've got it, flaunt it, am I right?"

Cas just rolled his eyes. "Do you guys see what I have to deal with?"

"You two sound just like Dean and me," Sam smiled as he took another bite of his turkey. 

A comfortable hush fell over the room as they busied themselves with eating.  Gabriel's meal left lots of room for second helpings, and it wasn't until they were comfortably full that the conversation really began flowing again.

"So. Tell me about yourself, Sam," Gabriel encouraged, taking a sip of his wine. "All I know about you is that you're Dean's brother and that you're possibly part Sasquatch."

Sam snorted and nearly choked on his drink. "Sasquatch, huh? Uh. I'm kind of a shy, stay-at-home guy so I'm not very exciting. I work in customer service, but I'm looking into schools for library science right now. Um. I read a lot, obviously. I like to run and work out. I love good music, and I love doing research. I've been researching our family history, so that's fun...  Um. What do you do?"

"You sound just like Cassie! Well I own a bakery in the city, and I look after Cas," he winked. "Outside of that, I guess I'm your complete opposite. I'm a social butterfly. I like to go out, meet people. I work out a little, but I _definitely_ don't go running. I mean, unless someone's chasing me or something."

Sam smiled. "It's not for everyone. People love running or hate it, it seems. There's no in between.  And god, you sound like Dean. Do you go to a gym?"

Gabriel nodded. "Yeah, I go to that 24-hour fitness place on Spring Street, but I've been neglecting myself a bit lately. Just too much going on."

"Hmm. Well you'd never know you've been neglecting," Sam hummed. "You look good. I've been looking for a new gym. Maybe I'll check that place out."

Cas frowned and glanced over at Dean, leaning in close to whisper in his ear.

"Ummm.  Did Sam just hit on my brother?"

"Kinda sounded like it," Dean murmured, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"Is he..."

"Bi?  Yes."

"Huh."

"Hey! What are you two whispering about?" Gabriel asked suspiciously.

Cas snapped back to attention.  "Nothing.  I was just asking Dean what kind of pie he wanted for dessert."

Gabriel narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Liar.  Dammit, I shouldn't have told you that earlier," he said.  "You've already said something and you don't even know the story yet. Bastard."

"Wha...oh!   _That_?  I haven't said a word!"

"Bullshit."

"Oooh, secrets?" Sam teased.  "And I'm the only one who doesn't know? Tell me too!"

Gabriel slapped a hand to his forehead and sighed. "Well since _everyone_ else knows," he grumbled, rolling his eyes, "I casually mentioned to Cas earlier that I was with a guy once and he's losing his shit."

"Whoa. _That_ I did not know," Dean laughed.

Gabriel paused, looking at him surprise. "Wait, you didn't? What was Cas whispering about then?"

"Not _that_!" Cas giggled. "Jesus, do you really think I'd tell the world about your sex life?  Who has the guilty conscience now?"

"Uhhhh," Gabriel grinned and rubbed at his reddened face. "Well this is awkward..."

Sam was biting his lip to keep from laughing, but he quickly managed to get himself under control. "I take it you're _straight_?" he asked wryly.

"Oh don't say it like that!" Gabriel blurted. "God, open mouth, insert foot..."

Cas giggled to himself, taking way more delight in Gabriel's discomfort than he probably should.  "Well," he said, sobering. "You might as well tell us all about it now."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Hey, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I happen to be a _very_ sexually open and active guy, alright? This guy that used to work for me... We were good friends, and he asked if I wanted to grab a beer after work. I don't remember why we ended up at his place, but we started talking about women we'd dated. We were both tipsy and horny and one thing led to another... Like I always say, if it feels good, do it. Of course sometimes you don't _know_ if it feels good until you try it.  So there you go. Happy now?"

"But you already _knew_ it felt good," Cas snorted. "You told me you've been with women who..."

"Cassie! Oh my god.  Well it's not the same, alright?  I'm so sorry you guys have to be here for this," he said, motioning to their guests.  "Great first impression, huh Sam?"

Cas and Dean both tried hard to stifle their laughter as Gabriel fumbled.

"Well, I think it's great that you tried it," Sam finally proclaimed. "Most people aren't that open-minded.  It's also kind of sexy."

" _What_?" Gabriel's jaw dropped as he continued to partially hide his face.

Sam shrugged and chucked to himself. "Isn't that the fantasy?  Getting a 'straight' guy into bed for the first time?  Although it sounds like it's not exactly the first time you've had anything up your..."

" _Oh my god_!  I take it back.  I _don't_ like you," Gabriel groaned, yet inexplicably unable to stop grinning.  "Well boys, I really don't know how to segue from this conversation, so why don't you all go into the living room and find a Christmas movie or something while I clean up?" he finally managed.

Cas quickly stood up. "I'll give you a hand."

"No no, you lovebirds go get comfy. You're both practically _glowing_ right now. It won't take me long."

"Let me," Sam insisted as he stood and began clearing plates. "You were kind enough to invite a total stranger into your house for dinner, at least let me help clean up.  "

"No, you're my guest! Besides, you're not a stranger.  If those two keep on like they have been, we'll practically be family by spring."

"That's true. But I insist," Sam said, raising a defiant eyebrow as he strolled to the sink with a handful of dishes.  "Besides, I just spent the last ten minutes harassing you, so let me make up for it," he winked.

"Stubborn bastard," Gabriel shook his head. "Fine. Dean and Cas, go relax in the living room. Sam and I will bring dessert in a few minutes."

Cas glanced at Dean and shrugged, then took his hand and led him toward the doorway.

"No making out on my couch, kids!" Gabriel yelled as he watched them leave.

Cas didn't even turn around, instead just flipping the middle finger over his head as he walked away.

"You two really _are_ like me and Sammy," Dean chuckled.  "How are you holding up, sweetheart?" he asked as they flopped into the ugly purple couch. "You okay?"

"I'm good," Cas sighed, snuggling up against Dean's chest. "I love that we're all together for Christmas, even if we all tease the shit out each other. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. "

"Yeah. It's been fun," Dean smiled, giving him a tiny kiss on the forehead. "But I _meant_ , are you still okay from last night?"

"Oh!" I'm okay. Great, even.  To be honest, I can't stop thinking about it," Cas blushed.

"Mmm. Yeah, I can see that..."

Cas glanced down at his lap and shyly buried his face in Dean's shoulder. "I can't help it."

"Cas, you are so damn adorable... Come here, sweetheart," Dean said, nuzzling until Cas lifted his chin to kiss him, at the same time coaxing him to straddle his lap.

"Dean," Cas tittered.  "Gabe and Sam are here!"

"Mmm.  I can still dishes clanking out there.  They'll be a good fifteen, twenty minutes..." he said, bucking his hips gently and making Cas whimper.

He caught a glimpse of the self-satisfied smirk on Dean's face before his eyes rolled back, and Cas quickly struggled to get himself under control.

"You're _such_ a bad influence," he gasped.

"You love it. Now grind on me."

"Dean!"

"I'm listening for them. Come on. Hurry up and take care of that thing or I'll do it for you." Dean purred, pulling his body in close.

" _Deeean_!" He wasn't sure if it was the thrill of possibly getting caught, or the fact that he hadn't stopped thinking about sex all day, but Cas was horny as hell. Still, they were _at Gabe's_!  "I-I can't! Not here!"

"Hmm," Dean continued rubbing their bodies together. "And yet, you haven't made any attempt to move..." he noted, teasing a finger down the back of his pants.

"Ohhhhh," Cas whimpered again. "I um..." He subconsciously licked his lips and closed his eyes for a second as he tried to reason with himself. He _couldn't_... But he _really_ wanted to...

"You're wasting time, Baby," Dean husked. "You could be coming by now..."

Cas gritted his teeth and sneered as he lunged forward, catching Dean's bottom lip gently in his teeth and sucking on it before licking into his mouth for a passionate kiss.

" _There's_ my boy," Dean whispered as Cas began grinding against him for all he was worth.  He pulled his body closer and nibbled at his neck while Cas gasped for breath. "That's it. Faster," he murmured.

"D-Dean," Cas squeaked helplessly.

"Shhh, shhhh." Dean covered his yelps and whimpers with his mouth in an attempt to quiet him as Cas lost control.

Dean grunted and wiggled against him, chasing his own pleasure as his hips stuttered. He followed Cas down, quietly managing with a few more grunts and some heavy panting. Cas's head collapsed against his shoulder and Dean chuckled, threading his fingers through the back of his sweaty hair.

"Good boy," he whispered. "God, I love you, Cas."

Feebly, Cas pulled away and grinned before rolling off of him. "I love you too. Even though you're a _terrible_ influence." He slid off of Dean's lap and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'd like to stay and snuggle," he wheezed, "but I need to go clean up."

Dean nodded and smiled. "Me too. You first."

By the time Sam and Gabe returned with dessert, Cas was cuddled up under Dean's arm like nothing had ever happened.

"Dean, Sammy told me you probably want blueberry?" Gabriel announced as he handed him a plate.

"Thank you. Sammy, huh?" Dean laughed. "Usually he gets pissed if anyone else calls him Sammy."

"I do not," Sam rolled his eyes as he set a tray of hot beverages on the coffee table.

Gabriel just grinned.  "Cassie, cherry?"

Cas nodded. "Thanks."

"So what are we watching, kids?" Gabriel asked he settled into his favorite chair, motioning for Sam to take the other.  "Haven't even turned the TV on yet, huh? Too busy making out as I suspected," he sighed dramatically.

"Shut _up_ ,"Cas simpered, his scarlet face and his guilty conscience giving him away.  "W-we didn't!  Why would you think we..."

"Shhhh.  Cas?  Sweetheart? Stop talking," Dean teased.

Gabriel just snickered and rolled his eyes. "You know, right now it's still cute, but eventually I'm gonna have to kick your asses if you don't stop acting so damn sweet.  I'm going to lose my damn appetite." He picked up the remote control and turned on the TV, and flipped until he found a Christmas movie.  "Hey, my favorite!" he exclaimed.

Sam laughed and Dean groaned as the opening credits to 'A Christmas Story' began to roll. "I make Dean watch this every year!"

Cas snuggled in closer to Dean and let his eyes drift blissfully closed for a moment, not asleep, but listening carefully to everything that was going on around him. The fact that they were all able to carry on occasional banter made him so happy he could burst. He'd been worried that Sam might feel awkward, or that Gabe might be upset that it wasn't just the two of them, but so far things had gone fairly well.  He and Gabe had teased the living shit out of each other of course, but it just wouldn't feel right if they didn't.

"Hey Cassie?" Gabe asked as the movie ended. "Why don't you give me a hand in the kitchen and we'll break out the booze? What do you guys drink? Beer? Whiskey? Wine? Something mixed? My bar is pretty stocked."

"Beer's fine for me," Dean answered.

Sam thought for a moment. "Um.  Do you have a rum and Coke?"

"Of course. Be right back."

Cas followed Gabriel to the kitchen and grabbed some glasses out of the cupboard as Gabriel fetched Dean's beer from the refrigerator.

"So what did you _really_ want?" Cas asked suspiciously, reaching for a bottle of rum.

Gabriel grinned. "Whaaaat, I can't just request your presence without needing anything?" He opened the cupboard above the refrigerator and pulled out a small, red wrapped package. "Merry Christmas, bro."

"Gabe!" Cas protested. "We agreed not to do gifts this year with me not working and all..."

Gabriel shrugged. "Yeah, well, I lied. Open it."

Cas pulled out chair at the table and sat down, tearing at the paper as Gabriel watched.

"What's this?" Cas opened the box and pulled out the two pieces of paper that were inside. "NOFX tickets?" he exclaimed.

Gabriel shrugged and smiled. "Well, I know how you love your weird-ass music, and how you've always wanted to be able to go to concerts... You've been doing so well lately, I thought you might want to try it."

Cas's eyes welled with tears. " _Gabe_... Thank you. But I didn't get you anything."

"I'm so proud of you, Cassie. You've been so proactive with your meds and your therapy, you're trying new things, and doing things that used to scare you... It's gift enough to see you thrive like this."

Cas wiped the tears from his eyes and tacked his brother in a huge bear hug.

"Thanks, Gabe. You're gonna hate this concert though," he laughed.

"Oh, no!  Those are for you and Dean."

Cas pulled away and shook his head. "Nah. I want you to come with me."

Gabriel frowned. "Are you sure? You rather go with your old-ass brother over your young, hot boyfriend?"

Cas grinned and playfully punched his shoulder. "Yeah. Get your walker ready, old man, because you're going."

"Huh. What have I gotten myself into?" Gabriel sighed, a tiny smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "It's kind of nice to have people in the house again for the holiday, huh?"

"It is," Cas nodded. "And hey, are you flirting with Sam?"

Gabriel let out a loud guffaw. "No, _he's_  flirting with _me_.  Not that I blame him, of course."

"Mmmhmm. Well you're not discouraging him either.  I'm starting to question everything after that confession earlier..."

"So I'm a flirt.  Sue me.  It doesn't _mean_ anything, it's just a little harmless fun. And I'm never gonna hear the end of that, am I?"

"No. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Gabriel sighed. "There's not much to tell, Cas. I didn't _hate_ it, but I really haven't ever felt _attracted_ to a guy either."

"But you don't dislike having sex with them?" Cas laughed.  "That makes no sense!"

Gabriel grinned and closed his eyes, rubbing at his temples. "Let's just agree that sexuality can be complicated sometimes, huh?  C'mon. They're gonna think we got lost."

A few hours, two movies, and several drinks later, and the party finally started winding down.  Cas had been dozing off and on for the last half of the movie, and Sam was sound asleep in his chair, so Gabriel flipped the television off.

"Well, Dean," he said quietly, "You want to wake Sam, or should I?"

"Go ahead.  I'll take this one," he motioned with a smile.  "Cas?  Hey.  Wake up, sweetheart.  Let's go up to bed."

"Mmmphh."  Cas grumbled and curled up closer.

"C'mon, Baby.  Let's go," he said, nudging him a little harder.

"Sam?" Gabriel stood and gently tapped Sam on the shoulder, trying not to startle him.  "Hey buddy.  We're all headed off to bed."

Sam stirred, then suddenly jolted as he realized he'd been asleep.  "Oh!  Sorry.  I'll uh..." A long yawn interrupted his chain of thought.

"Cas and I both have a spare room.  Why don't you crash with one of us?  You had a few drinks and I don't want you driving."

"Yeah," Sam nodded tiredly.  "Sounds good."  He glanced over at Dean and Cas, who was now somewhat coherent and nuzzling at Dean's neck.  "Wait, I don't want to interrupt _that_."

Gabriel laughed.  "C'mon.  Spare bedroom's this way.  Good night, lovebirds." Sam shambled off after him, waving a little goodbye as he headed down the hallway.

"You're so snugly right now," Dean murmured, helping Cas to his feet.  "Let's go snuggle and fall asleep together."

Cas nodded blissfully as Dean's wrapped an arm around his shoulder and began walking him toward the door.

"Wait.  I can't fall asleep now."

"What?  Why not?  It's late."

"Because you promised we could um... you know."

Dean chuckled, shaking his head in amusement.  "Baby needs a good fucking before bed?" he purred.

"Mmmm." Cas moaned and closed his eyes, biting his bottom lip as he nodded.

"God you're cute.  And insatiable, apparently."  He locked the door behind them as they exited Gabriel's apartment and gave Cas's ass a little slap as he followed him up the stairs.  "Get up there then. Clothes off, collar on. I'll be in there in five.  Don't keep me waiting, Baby."

Cas flew up the remaining stairs faster than he ever had.

"Yes, Dean," he nodded breathlessly.

 


End file.
